Today was the closing rally for 40 days. My dh and I went out there, not only to stand in support of the cause but also to support my brother and SIL who would be giving talks.
Rewind to last night:
I opened up with my SIL and brother about my thoughts about standing outside the clinic these last few weeks. I told them how hard it had been and then I did it...
I told them I had a blog.
I did NOT tell them what/where it was.
Nope.
Just that I had one that was more or less private (hey, it's pretty private...I don't use names! ;)) and that it was so that I could find support from other women that have struggled/are struggling with IF and with others that have just given great support even though they have not suffered with IF.
I didn't show them the blog. Just told them about it.
Then he asked if I would copy my last post about what it felt like to be a women struggling with IF and standing outside the clinics.
So I did.
I thought he was just curious about a side of it he'd never really thought of.
Fast forward to today:
He gave the opening speech and focused on the fact that there were many different people from many different walks of life that have helped with 40 days. He then stated that he wanted to share a little excerpt from a blog from a fellow 40 days for life participant.
My heart stated racing.
My palms began to sweat.
NEVER had I thought that he would share my story in front of everyone there.
He then shared what I had written and said that it was a perfect example of how difficult it can be for some to stand and pray.
My husband was there, thankfully, and held my hand tightly throughout his speech.
He's definitely my number one support!
My brother went on and told some stories about others that stood and prayed, some stories from across the nation and a few more local ones.
He shared stories about some of the babies that have been saved.
517 beautiful souls were saved this 4o days! PRAISE the LORD!
When he was done giving his speech, I whispered to my husband that I was so glad that I had worn my over sized sun glasses because it hid the huge elephant tears that were streaming down my face.
So although he never pointed me out directly and he never said my name or even that he knew me personally, I still felt exposed.
Hearing my feelings spoken out loud, in front of people, by another person made my heart race like no one's business.
Because it's such a private, intimate struggle, it's hard to openly talk about it sometimes, especially to hear my story out loud.
Difficult but also refreshing.
I'm glad that I opened up to my brother and SIL on a deeper level then, "it's hard that we haven't conceived..." or "we trust in God's will" etc...
I shared with them something that both of them had never thought of...
That as a woman struggling to conceive, standing and praying outside of a clinic is hard to do.
But I'm glad that I did! I continue to hope and pray that one day everyone will realize just how precious life is.
I have so much going on this week....I pray that I can make it without getting too anxious or overwhelmed! I can do this!
Praying for each and everyone of you pretty ladies and hoping that this Sunday is finding you in good spirits!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
“Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.”
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
An IF girl's thoughts standing outside an abortion clinic.
Pain.
Sorrow.
Confusion.
These are just a few of the emotions that I have felt standing outside the clinic this 40 days for life.
If you don't know what 40 days for life is, it's a nationwide commitment to stand, hope and pray outside abortion clinics, 24/7, to end abortion.
Over 450 babies have been saved this 40 days.
Beautiful.
I've stood in tears, in pain because I desire so badly to conceive, to be a mom. To know that people go into that clinic to destroy that very miracle I so badly desire, hurts.
So, as this 40 days is coming to an end, I offer up my sorrow, emptiness and pain and ask God to help transform the hearts of those contemplating abortion on this very day.
"Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?" (innocent by T.Swift)
Sorrow.
Confusion.
These are just a few of the emotions that I have felt standing outside the clinic this 40 days for life.
If you don't know what 40 days for life is, it's a nationwide commitment to stand, hope and pray outside abortion clinics, 24/7, to end abortion.
Over 450 babies have been saved this 40 days.
Beautiful.
I've stood in tears, in pain because I desire so badly to conceive, to be a mom. To know that people go into that clinic to destroy that very miracle I so badly desire, hurts.
So, as this 40 days is coming to an end, I offer up my sorrow, emptiness and pain and ask God to help transform the hearts of those contemplating abortion on this very day.
"Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?" (innocent by T.Swift)
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Doctor's appointment yesterday
Although I did post yesterday about all the craziness that happened...it just didn't feel right to sit and add more about the doctor's visit. No worries, it gives me something to write about today! :) Go me for updating!
Like I mentioned yesterday, I was over an hour late because my dumb iphone led me in the wrong direction. I thought surely that they would cancel or want to reschedule, which I did NOT want them to do because I had to drive an hour to see them in the first place. However, when I called to get better directions and much to my surprise, the secretary actually put the doctor on to give me directions.
This calmed me down a bit. You see, with my old doctor in SA (the awesome doctor one on one but not so much with follow ups), when I would call to talk to her I would wait for 15 minutes and then talk to either the secretary or maybe, if I was lucky, the nurse.
Never, ever, EVER have I spoken to her on the phone.
So anyways, I made it there and then of course couldn't find the suite number. Apparently the one listed online was the old one, leading me to the wrong tower. But thankfully a nice nurse helped me out and I found where I was suppose to be.
I got there and filled out the pile of papers that are expected at the first doctor's appointments.
I waited 20 minutes or so and then I saw the doctor.
In his nice, cushy office. It was a little different to not be sitting on a paper roll on a table in some cold, small room. This was refreshing, indeed!
He said, "So, you want to get pregnant?"
I said, "Yes! My husband and I have been trying for almost 3 years..."
Then the first thing out of his mouth was, "has anyone ever told you about IVF?"
I said that I had indeed heard of it but I would never do it. He asked me why and I explained to him that, without going into the numerous other reasons why my husband I did not agree with it, the main thing was that we believed that life begins at conception. When the egg is fertilized we believe that is a human being, a baby. The idea of discarding the "bad" ones or freezing them in itself was terrible to us.
He just sat there and said he understood. And then proceeded to talk about our plan of action.
You see, I knew that this was a possibility with this doctor. My SIL had told me that he's not opposed to IVF but that he's extremely respectful of everyone's beliefs.
This was way different for me. My first doctor had no clue what she was doing and said to "see a specialist" and then by the grace of God I was lead to an amazing Catholic doctor and THEN to another Catholic doctor, who performed our surgery. It was just strange to be asked about IVF and to be talking to a doctor that isn't Catholic and already on board with all my beliefs.
Anyways, in a nutshell he's having me come in next Friday for some blood work and then is going to start me back on Metformin and the Clomid, etc..
He's really good at what he does, my SIL said, and I am hopeful.
Hopeful but scared shi*less. Not going to lie.
I am trying my very best to be FULL of hope and TRUST. But I am so scared because I feel no closer to our ultimate goal of healing my body so that we can conceive, than I did three years ago.
Also, this cycle I am noticing nothing. CD13 and not a lot of mucous, no sore boobies...
Nothing.
Stupid PCOS.
I am terrified that my body has reverted BACK to the way it was a few short months ago before the surgery. And if this is this case, will the medicine react the same way as it did before then? IE: no reaction at all?
Ok, now that I have vented my, "I'm so scared!" rant, I'm going to RE-offer it up and trust that God has led me to this doctor for a reason.
Lord,
I put my trust in you.
I hurt.
I am scared.
But I trust.
Into Your hands I put all this fear and anxiety.
Nothing is TOO big for you to handle.
I trust.
I believe.
Love,
Little ol' me.
“Fear of failure must never be a reason not to try something.” (Frederick Smith quotes)
Like I mentioned yesterday, I was over an hour late because my dumb iphone led me in the wrong direction. I thought surely that they would cancel or want to reschedule, which I did NOT want them to do because I had to drive an hour to see them in the first place. However, when I called to get better directions and much to my surprise, the secretary actually put the doctor on to give me directions.
This calmed me down a bit. You see, with my old doctor in SA (the awesome doctor one on one but not so much with follow ups), when I would call to talk to her I would wait for 15 minutes and then talk to either the secretary or maybe, if I was lucky, the nurse.
Never, ever, EVER have I spoken to her on the phone.
So anyways, I made it there and then of course couldn't find the suite number. Apparently the one listed online was the old one, leading me to the wrong tower. But thankfully a nice nurse helped me out and I found where I was suppose to be.
I got there and filled out the pile of papers that are expected at the first doctor's appointments.
I waited 20 minutes or so and then I saw the doctor.
In his nice, cushy office. It was a little different to not be sitting on a paper roll on a table in some cold, small room. This was refreshing, indeed!
He said, "So, you want to get pregnant?"
I said, "Yes! My husband and I have been trying for almost 3 years..."
Then the first thing out of his mouth was, "has anyone ever told you about IVF?"
I said that I had indeed heard of it but I would never do it. He asked me why and I explained to him that, without going into the numerous other reasons why my husband I did not agree with it, the main thing was that we believed that life begins at conception. When the egg is fertilized we believe that is a human being, a baby. The idea of discarding the "bad" ones or freezing them in itself was terrible to us.
He just sat there and said he understood. And then proceeded to talk about our plan of action.
You see, I knew that this was a possibility with this doctor. My SIL had told me that he's not opposed to IVF but that he's extremely respectful of everyone's beliefs.
This was way different for me. My first doctor had no clue what she was doing and said to "see a specialist" and then by the grace of God I was lead to an amazing Catholic doctor and THEN to another Catholic doctor, who performed our surgery. It was just strange to be asked about IVF and to be talking to a doctor that isn't Catholic and already on board with all my beliefs.
Anyways, in a nutshell he's having me come in next Friday for some blood work and then is going to start me back on Metformin and the Clomid, etc..
He's really good at what he does, my SIL said, and I am hopeful.
Hopeful but scared shi*less. Not going to lie.
I am trying my very best to be FULL of hope and TRUST. But I am so scared because I feel no closer to our ultimate goal of healing my body so that we can conceive, than I did three years ago.
Also, this cycle I am noticing nothing. CD13 and not a lot of mucous, no sore boobies...
Nothing.
Stupid PCOS.
I am terrified that my body has reverted BACK to the way it was a few short months ago before the surgery. And if this is this case, will the medicine react the same way as it did before then? IE: no reaction at all?
Ok, now that I have vented my, "I'm so scared!" rant, I'm going to RE-offer it up and trust that God has led me to this doctor for a reason.
Lord,
I put my trust in you.
I hurt.
I am scared.
But I trust.
Into Your hands I put all this fear and anxiety.
Nothing is TOO big for you to handle.
I trust.
I believe.
Love,
Little ol' me.
“Fear of failure must never be a reason not to try something.” (Frederick Smith quotes)
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Cat calls on the side of the highway?
I'm way exhausted and my finger is still a bit cramped so I'm going to write about my day...in a nutshell:
Didn't sleep much because of being anxious about the doctors visit among other things also.
Left in more than enough time to get there early.
Arrive an hour late.
Darn iPhone leading me wrong.
Darn iPhone battery is almost dead because of the extra hour of usage trying to figure out where I was.
Doctors appointment was short and sweet.
I'll update more on that tomorrow.
Darn car "check battery" light comes on.
Then the "airbag" one does too.
I freak out and pull off the highway and move my chair back and ride ghetto style, just incase it does go off!
Car dies in the middle of s busy intersection.
I get out bc I don't want to be in there if someone hits my car bc they weren't paying attention.
Good thing.
2 minutes later a car swerves and almost hits the car.
Tell myself to, "breathe" and "not cry."
Call my preggo SIL to save me bc she is closest.
20 minutes, another car swerve, and 5 cat calls later she arrives.
One older man tried to help but didn't have jumper cables. He's way cooler than the trash whistling at me...really, is that how they pick up ladies?!
While waiting with my SIL for my husband to be my knight in shining armor, a cop pulls over a car for speeding...right next to us.
He didn't get a ticket because the officer decides to help us.
BIG smile from that guy!
Hey, I do what I can to help out! ;)
Cop helps jump the car and push it to a safe location.
Said goodbye to the nice cop shortly before my dh arrives with new battery.
And I must say, I do love him so! Even more than yesterday. I had always wanted a husband who could take care of me like that!
My hero!
A little into the changing the battery my brother arrives since he's off work.
Two awesome men fixing my car as my SIL and I chat that her liitle bump is cute and how crazy that the baby is 4 inches!
Impromptu double date at Chili.s to finish off the crazy day.
And lastly, got home...dh cracked open a cold coors light for the both of us and we discussed just how blessed we felt.
Man, What a day. I'm pooped. But...feeling extremely blessed.
Goodnight world.
"Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."
(Dale Carnegie)
Didn't sleep much because of being anxious about the doctors visit among other things also.
Left in more than enough time to get there early.
Arrive an hour late.
Darn iPhone leading me wrong.
Darn iPhone battery is almost dead because of the extra hour of usage trying to figure out where I was.
Doctors appointment was short and sweet.
I'll update more on that tomorrow.
Darn car "check battery" light comes on.
Then the "airbag" one does too.
I freak out and pull off the highway and move my chair back and ride ghetto style, just incase it does go off!
Car dies in the middle of s busy intersection.
I get out bc I don't want to be in there if someone hits my car bc they weren't paying attention.
Good thing.
2 minutes later a car swerves and almost hits the car.
Tell myself to, "breathe" and "not cry."
Call my preggo SIL to save me bc she is closest.
20 minutes, another car swerve, and 5 cat calls later she arrives.
One older man tried to help but didn't have jumper cables. He's way cooler than the trash whistling at me...really, is that how they pick up ladies?!
While waiting with my SIL for my husband to be my knight in shining armor, a cop pulls over a car for speeding...right next to us.
He didn't get a ticket because the officer decides to help us.
BIG smile from that guy!
Hey, I do what I can to help out! ;)
Cop helps jump the car and push it to a safe location.
Said goodbye to the nice cop shortly before my dh arrives with new battery.
And I must say, I do love him so! Even more than yesterday. I had always wanted a husband who could take care of me like that!
My hero!
A little into the changing the battery my brother arrives since he's off work.
Two awesome men fixing my car as my SIL and I chat that her liitle bump is cute and how crazy that the baby is 4 inches!
Impromptu double date at Chili.s to finish off the crazy day.
And lastly, got home...dh cracked open a cold coors light for the both of us and we discussed just how blessed we felt.
Man, What a day. I'm pooped. But...feeling extremely blessed.
Goodnight world.
"Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."
(Dale Carnegie)
Monday, October 25, 2010
New house, new doctor, new dog... ***update:Pictures added at the bottom
I cannot believe it has been so long since I've blogged! I've just been so busy, and we don't have our computer fixed yet, that I've not been able to stop and write.
This is not good for me. I miss being able to vent and I miss the support that is unique to the blogging world and with with other bloggers.
However, with packing, unpacking, weddings galore, and getting organized along with all the other boring stuff, I could not! However, today, after seeing just how long it had been I thought to myself, "if it makes you feel better...then do it!" :) So, here I am typing with one finger on my iPhone because I am having blogger withdrawals! ;)
Ok, so onto the updates:
The house. Wow. We are homeowners and it feels great! I have all the boxes unpacked but still need to organize the guest room and the office/craftroom! I will certainly post pictures once eveything is organized!
We actually had our annual pumpkin carving party (with my brothers/their wives) here last night! It was great! We grilled out and sat outside on our awesome covered patio! Of course, we carved pumpkins and here's the finished product....scratch that, I was going to upload pictures but it's not letting me (or maybe I just don't know!) on my phone. Once I'm at a computer I'll do a picture post! Anyways, all three families went with the Rangers theme, without even discussing it before! I mean, the Rangers are making history here, we have never made it past the first round of playoffs, let alone make it to the World Series!!! We were all proud of our Ranger themed pumpkins! :)
Next on the list of "new," a doctor. My old doctor who performed the surgery is just not working out anymore. One on one she is great! Following up...not so much. For example, after surgery she said we would go one round "all natural" without meds and then jump into clomid on cd3, etc, because the months right after surgery are the prime "baby making" times and that we shouldn't waste time. Well, once my second cycle post surgery started, I called and asked them to call back.
Cd5 I get a call back saying it was too late this cycle but we would do clomid next cycle. Grr.
Cd1 of this cycle (the 15th) I called bright and early to let them know. I hadn't heard back and I knew their office would be closing so I called again around 2:30 and all I got was, "she's already left for the day but said she'll call back Monday!"
Great, call me back on Cd4...just to be informed it was too late! Needless to say I was very angry! And to top it off, I didn't hear back until cd6 anyways! So it was waaaay too late this cycle!
Big grr to that.
Anyways, so I called my SIL's doctor who was working with her, since she spoke very highly of him, and have an appointment to meet with him tomorrow. He's a fertility specialist and is extremely thorough with what he does. I've got mixed feelings about seeing ANOTHER doctor, this is the fourth since I've been married (three years this past June). So, if you happen to think of me tomorrow, offer up a prayer that this appointment goes well. It's a little heart breaking at times because I was so filled with hope immediately following surgery, and then to feel the same/no closer, well...it's hard.
Onto the last new...he's 2 months old, has four legs, big paws and a little bit of separation anxiety...our new puppy, Calvin! We always said we would get a fog once we bought a house, and well, that's what we did! He's a black lab we rescued from the shelter and he reminded my husband of his childhood dog growing up, Hobbs, so it was only natural that his name would be Calvin! This is all new to me since I never had a dog growing up (umm, hello GROSS that he liked to eat his old poop and occasionally hump his toy monkey!!) but I'm learning and my husband is a great teacher, so I'm sure I'll not be quite so freaked out by these crazy puppy things, sooner than later! He is sweet though and already understands the word, "no!" so that's good! Also, he'd very affectionate...he loves to walk right with you and kiss you like you are the greatest thing ever to walk planet earth!! ;)
Anyways, sorry it's been so long since my update! I promise that much time will not go between updates again! You'll just have to bare with me when it comes to typos and whatnot because of the whole typing on my phone!
And now that my hand is falling asleep, I think I'll shut up now! You are all in my prayers daily, even if my commenting has been pretty dead (but that'll change!)!!
***Update: Here's a few pictures of recent happenings:
Pumpkin fun...GO RANGERS! The one my husband and I did was the "Rangers" one! :) My older brother and his wife did the Rangers "T" and my younger brother and his wife did "the claw!" Go family time!!
Calvin!
Calvin and his toy monkey...he loves this thing! Thankfully he's only humped it twice and hadn't done it in a couple days. Thank goodness...I could not handle this if it was something that was a regular occurrence!!
And just for fun, I added this one...one of my newest crafts! My Gm had an old fence and I really wanted to make these, although it was harder than I thought!
"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith." (Mary Manin Morrissey)
This is not good for me. I miss being able to vent and I miss the support that is unique to the blogging world and with with other bloggers.
However, with packing, unpacking, weddings galore, and getting organized along with all the other boring stuff, I could not! However, today, after seeing just how long it had been I thought to myself, "if it makes you feel better...then do it!" :) So, here I am typing with one finger on my iPhone because I am having blogger withdrawals! ;)
Ok, so onto the updates:
The house. Wow. We are homeowners and it feels great! I have all the boxes unpacked but still need to organize the guest room and the office/craftroom! I will certainly post pictures once eveything is organized!
We actually had our annual pumpkin carving party (with my brothers/their wives) here last night! It was great! We grilled out and sat outside on our awesome covered patio! Of course, we carved pumpkins and here's the finished product....scratch that, I was going to upload pictures but it's not letting me (or maybe I just don't know!) on my phone. Once I'm at a computer I'll do a picture post! Anyways, all three families went with the Rangers theme, without even discussing it before! I mean, the Rangers are making history here, we have never made it past the first round of playoffs, let alone make it to the World Series!!! We were all proud of our Ranger themed pumpkins! :)
Next on the list of "new," a doctor. My old doctor who performed the surgery is just not working out anymore. One on one she is great! Following up...not so much. For example, after surgery she said we would go one round "all natural" without meds and then jump into clomid on cd3, etc, because the months right after surgery are the prime "baby making" times and that we shouldn't waste time. Well, once my second cycle post surgery started, I called and asked them to call back.
Cd5 I get a call back saying it was too late this cycle but we would do clomid next cycle. Grr.
Cd1 of this cycle (the 15th) I called bright and early to let them know. I hadn't heard back and I knew their office would be closing so I called again around 2:30 and all I got was, "she's already left for the day but said she'll call back Monday!"
Great, call me back on Cd4...just to be informed it was too late! Needless to say I was very angry! And to top it off, I didn't hear back until cd6 anyways! So it was waaaay too late this cycle!
Big grr to that.
Anyways, so I called my SIL's doctor who was working with her, since she spoke very highly of him, and have an appointment to meet with him tomorrow. He's a fertility specialist and is extremely thorough with what he does. I've got mixed feelings about seeing ANOTHER doctor, this is the fourth since I've been married (three years this past June). So, if you happen to think of me tomorrow, offer up a prayer that this appointment goes well. It's a little heart breaking at times because I was so filled with hope immediately following surgery, and then to feel the same/no closer, well...it's hard.
Onto the last new...he's 2 months old, has four legs, big paws and a little bit of separation anxiety...our new puppy, Calvin! We always said we would get a fog once we bought a house, and well, that's what we did! He's a black lab we rescued from the shelter and he reminded my husband of his childhood dog growing up, Hobbs, so it was only natural that his name would be Calvin! This is all new to me since I never had a dog growing up (umm, hello GROSS that he liked to eat his old poop and occasionally hump his toy monkey!!) but I'm learning and my husband is a great teacher, so I'm sure I'll not be quite so freaked out by these crazy puppy things, sooner than later! He is sweet though and already understands the word, "no!" so that's good! Also, he'd very affectionate...he loves to walk right with you and kiss you like you are the greatest thing ever to walk planet earth!! ;)
Anyways, sorry it's been so long since my update! I promise that much time will not go between updates again! You'll just have to bare with me when it comes to typos and whatnot because of the whole typing on my phone!
And now that my hand is falling asleep, I think I'll shut up now! You are all in my prayers daily, even if my commenting has been pretty dead (but that'll change!)!!
***Update: Here's a few pictures of recent happenings:
Pumpkin fun...GO RANGERS! The one my husband and I did was the "Rangers" one! :) My older brother and his wife did the Rangers "T" and my younger brother and his wife did "the claw!" Go family time!!
Calvin!
Calvin and his toy monkey...he loves this thing! Thankfully he's only humped it twice and hadn't done it in a couple days. Thank goodness...I could not handle this if it was something that was a regular occurrence!!
And just for fun, I added this one...one of my newest crafts! My Gm had an old fence and I really wanted to make these, although it was harder than I thought!
"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith." (Mary Manin Morrissey)
Thursday, October 7, 2010
MIA
I've been MIA as of lately for a couple of reasons:
-Busy getting stuff ready for the big move next week! I cleaned the house and am trying to get the things that we have here at my Gm's house organized and ready to go. So excited to move into our new home on Tuesday!
-I'm trying my best NOT to think about where I am at this cycle. Last cycle was such a huge let down and hurt me way more than I anticipated (one would think that after almost 3 years you could handle another busted cycle...not so much), that for this cycle, I had to step back. With this came not reading into every little "symptom", no goo.gling and also, stepping back from blogging.
So that's that. I'm going to get back in the swing of things with blogging once we get moved in (it's hard to stay away!), it's just for now, I have to do this.
Call it healing.
And it's working, I feel rather rejuvenated and not so exhausted.
I'll post more once we are all settled in our new home! Also, I'm going to post a picture of a craft I did (after all it helps me de-stress), which I so cannot wait to put up in our new home!! :)
Continuing my prayers that all you lovely blogger ladies are doing well!!
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." -Robert Brault
-Busy getting stuff ready for the big move next week! I cleaned the house and am trying to get the things that we have here at my Gm's house organized and ready to go. So excited to move into our new home on Tuesday!
-I'm trying my best NOT to think about where I am at this cycle. Last cycle was such a huge let down and hurt me way more than I anticipated (one would think that after almost 3 years you could handle another busted cycle...not so much), that for this cycle, I had to step back. With this came not reading into every little "symptom", no goo.gling and also, stepping back from blogging.
So that's that. I'm going to get back in the swing of things with blogging once we get moved in (it's hard to stay away!), it's just for now, I have to do this.
Call it healing.
And it's working, I feel rather rejuvenated and not so exhausted.
I'll post more once we are all settled in our new home! Also, I'm going to post a picture of a craft I did (after all it helps me de-stress), which I so cannot wait to put up in our new home!! :)
Continuing my prayers that all you lovely blogger ladies are doing well!!
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." -Robert Brault