Cautiously hopeful.

So, for 2.5 years we went and tried and prayed for my little ol' ovaries to produce some sort of mature follicle.

It happened once.

Just once.

In two and a half years.

Pretty discouraging but I still hoped.

Then last year, I had surgery and my periods are now regular and low and behold...my dinky ovaries are producing some pretty decent follicles.

This is huge for me.

But...

After last cycle-after hearing my follicles might not be rupturing...my heart broke.

Now, here we are three and a half years later with mature follicles but possibly something else wrong.

Which leads me to this cautious hopefulness.

I do not like that I am like this right now.

I love hope.

I cling to hope like there's no tomorrow.

Hope and me are tight.

But, like I mentioned-after last month's not so great results, that hope literally shattered into a million pieces and I've been doing all I humanly can to find those pieces and put that hope back together.

Because hope saves me when I'm down and broken and scared.

But now, I am cautiously hoping because of fear of that pain.

That pain that was so overwhelming and took so much out of me.

You see today's doctor's appointment-the second follicle check this cycle-showed two great, mature follicles.

TWO.

The me a year ago would have danced and sung words of joy leaving that appointment-praising God for this blessing.

But the me today, got the trigger shot...put on my over sized glasses to hide my tears of fear...and would not allow that hope to over flow.

And like I said-I. Hate. That.

I felt terrible because the pain that I felt not that long ago from yet another cycle...still lingered and there I was not rejoicing in this blessing.

I am not that person.
I do not want to become that person that forgets to celebrate the little victories.

So-although this day was not quite how I anticipated-with the hope not overflowing from my core-I am finishing it by thanking God for this blessing.

I'm high-fiving my right ovary for stepping up with not one...but two follicles.

I am thanking God for the hope that is growing and praying that I continue to embrace it.

And I'm asking God for the grace to accept his timing and not lose that hope.

So here I am...hoping and praying and trusting.

I'm not giving up.

I'm not going to let fear overtake hope.

Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken...but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken place.

More REcreations!

Today I crafted...

Boy do I love to craft.

Crafting=little to no thinking about IF.

Here's two things I did:



I had this dollar tray that I purchased from Hobby Lobby a few weeks ago. That tray plus some paint, modge podge and fun scrapbook paper equals a fun little tray to hold remotes in the living room:






Then, I had really wanted to make this Anthropology inspired, burlap lamp shade (I got the idea here.) and finally just did it today. It took me longer than expected because I didn't cut enough strips and then would have to stop, cut and iron in the middle...needless to say, it was easy, just took a little longer than expected. Here's the step by step...
Before:





I cut the strips of burlap about 3 inches.



Ironed them in half.



Then I covered my shade with burlap before hot gluing the strips.



And then you have the after:



So yeah, good times with the crafting. My next project is to continue to look for these,



Mason jars! I saw a picture in a magazine where they strung them outside and put tea lights in them. I found these 5 for 25 cents at the thrift store so I'll be looking for more in the coming weeks. I'm glad I looked at the thrift store because I almost bought them new at Hobby Lobby for $1.99...so I definitely got a deal!

Do any of y'all have fun crafts/projects you are working on or want to work on? Let me know...I'm always looking for inspiration!

Ps, I have a follicle check tomorrow. Here's hoping I've produced (and soon release!) some good follies with the upped clomid because boy oh boy have those hot flashes been CRAZY!

Time for a little laughter!

Okay, so I'm done feeling sad, disappointed, etc...and thankfully as I mentioned in my last post my hope is up.

This is good.

Wanna know what's great?

Laughing with my sweet husband!! You know, that special kind of laughter that completely takes over your body...the pinch in your side, hard to breathe, tears streaming down your face, cheeks hurting and those awkward "catching your breath in the middle of your can't stop laughing spell "noises!!

Yeah, that's the best kind of laughter.

So anyways, here's 2 videos we made last night that kept us laughing so hard that I was crying and trying not to pee my pants! Yeah, we are that cool!

Sorry if you don't think it's as hilarious as we did...it's the little things, you guys! :) Hope y'all enjoy Fred as much as we did!! ;)

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." (e.e Cummings)

You carry me.

Although these last few days have been rather difficult, I'm trusting God.

It hurts and I feel a little lost and a bit alone, but I'm trusting.

Today is looking up...there's been a few things that I have taken as signs from HIM-which I'll write about later.

For now, I'll leave you with the lyrics from a beautiful song that literally fell into my lap last night. The words hit me at my core and although I had an emotional breakdown, I'm feeling better and that hope, I so desperately cling to all the other days of my cycle, is slowly coming back.

It's not my hope alone. I know He is giving it to me and I'm grateful for that, especially because the last few days that hope has been fairly non existence.

And I wanted to say THANK YOU to all those, new commentors and old commentors, that took the time to comment and say a prayer-I was left in tears that y'all care. I'm eternally grateful for each and everyone's support.

Ok, ok..back to the song, here's the lyrics. You can download on iTunes or listen on YouTube, either way, I hope y'all can get as much out of the words that I have:

"Carry Me" by Audrey Assad
Pain is a forest we all get lost in
Between the branches hope can be so hard to see
And in the darkness we've all got questions
We're all just trying to make sense out of suffering but

You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me
Help me believe it

Fear is a current we all get caught in
And in its motion faith can be so hard to find
And we all falter 'cause we're all broken
We're all just trying to turn the shadows into light but

You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me
And you say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me

And I know Your promises are faithful
And God, I've seen Your goodness in my life
And oh, I've found Your mercy is a river
Your love is an ocean wide

You say I am blessed because of this
You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me

And You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, as I carry this cross
'Cause as I carry this cross, You'll carry me

You'll carry me, God
You'll carry me
And Your love is an ocean wide.

I'm so lost

I had a doctor's appointment today to make sure my ovaries aren't being overly stimulated by the clomid.

Ha.

My ovaries be overly stimulated?

Yeah, that's a joke.

Well, he checked me out and then reviewed my chart and said, "Hmm...your body is not responding to clomid...that's not good!"

I wanted to say, "No sh*t!!" But because I'm not rude and I most certainly do not curse at doctors, I simply said that I agreed.

I ask him about having a nice, mature follicle, receiving the trigger shot and then crappy numbers in regards to progesterone. He mentioned that he wonders if it's LUFS, oh joy, and said he'll up the clomid this month and then wants to do follow up sonograms to check and see if I'm actually ovulating.

And then came the words that felt like a swift kick in the gut...

"And if you still don't respond this month to clomid, I just don't know what else I can do. Ilk have to refer you to another specialist." Ie: an IVF doctor.

It took every ounce of my being not to cry right then and there.

Pant less on the table already feeling defeated that the clomid hadn't done anything for me and now I'm being told I'm a lost cause.

I made my next appointments and quickly left.

The moment I stepped outside I put on my over-sized glasses just in time because the tears started flowing...

In our 4 years of marriage I have seen 4 doctors and 3 have said they couldn't do anything for me.

I feel like such a lost cause right now.

Like we're about to have to start all over again.

My heart aches just thinking about this.

I wish I could just fast forward through this cycle and know. Although with my track record I have a pretty good idea what the outcome will be.

I hate PCOS.
Hate it.
Hate it.
Hate it.

CD1

Sigh.

The good, the bad, the whatever

The bad: My progesterone was 8.2

The good: it was up from the 5 something from last month.

The whatever: it's not over til it's over, ie: Aunt Flo arrives.




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Today

Today was filled with:

-Lots of family fun.
-The start of our anniversary week



-Lots of laughter.
-A few tears.
-Lots of snuggles with my sweet, sweet nephew


-The start of my husband's weekend.
-Me sporting the new necklace I made



-Did I mention lots of laughter?!

All in all,
GREAT day.

I am so blessed.

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful. (Annette Funicello)

Zilch, Nada, Nothing.

I've seen almost ZERO good cm.

(TMI warning): it's been watery and thankfully I'm not completely dry but still.

I'm playing it cool and trying not to freak out and expect the worst but it's rather discouraging not to see good CM after seeing such an awesome sized follicle and getting the trigger shot on Tuesday.

I unfortunately have goo.gled so much:
HCG trigger.
Trigger shot + ovulation.
HCG trigger shot + guaranteed ovulation.
Percentage of women who ovulate with assistance from trigger shot.
How soon do you ovulate after trigger?
23-24 sized follicle cd14.

You get the picture...

Needless to say, starting today I am backing off the goo.gling craziness and trusting God and trusting my body.

I just want this so badly and am so beyond grateful to even be in this position.

You see, for 1.5-2 years, we tried clomid and femera and shots and we never saw my body respond with such a nice size follicle.

And now, almost a year after surgery, my body is responding.

And that's something to celebrate.

Celebrate yes, but freaking out and over analyzing, I wish not.

Here's to trusting, hoping and believing...