Tonight...

Tonight I was having a, "is she really ours?!" kinda night.

To be honest, there are a lot of days spent just getting through them and hoping everything goes smoothly. Even though my daily prayer is to cherish each day and moment because my goodness, it's all happening way too fast.

I'm 100% a "cherish every moment" kinda gal' and so even though that doesn't happen every day, I still most definitely try....

But really, is she really ours?! Some days it doesn't feel real...


"What day is it?"
It's today," squeaked Piglet.
My favorite day," said Pooh.”

Building up her immune system/9 months

She thought she was hilarious!!  Every time she would do this we would stop her and of course that made a game of it! Oh well...you can't win 'em all, right? ;)


How is she already 9 months old?! Out longer than in! Oh my how I wish I could find a way to make time slow down, if only for a bit...


"You will never have this day with your children again. Tomorrow they'll be a little older then they were today. This day is a gift. Just breathe, notice, study their faces and little feet. Pay Attention. Relish the charms of the present. Enjoy today, it will be over before you know it. " [Jen Hatmaker]

When the old feelings creep back in....way sooner than anticipated.

When we found out we were expecting, my heart was so full of joy and fear all mixed together. After so many years of my body failing me I had such a hard time grasping the fact that we were truly pregnant. However, as the pregnancy progressed the fear started to slip away and the anxiety that had hung around for so many years started to disappear.  That heavy bolder that rested on my chest for the years we struggled was gone and I was able to enjoy being pregnant and I was able to joyfully anticipate our little miracle.

Now that Faith is 9 months I will be honest and say I haven't felt the old stings of IF really.  Sure, I have fears and anxieties, just that they are different than before. 

But then tonight...it happened, like a swift kick to the gut...a lump formed in my throat and I felt that heaviness on my chest...all over a pregnancy announcement.

One stinking pregnancy annoucement and my insides started shaking and I felt as though I was right back to where we were before we found out we were expecting....

Except, I am no where near that.
Not even close.

My heart is full and my days busy with this sweet little one I get to call my daughter.  She keeps me on my toes and has brought me to tears from frustration/not knowing what I'm doing and she has brought me to my knees in laughter.  

I am her mom...a mom....I am a mother and so hearing of a pregnancy announcement this soon (she's almost 9 months) with those reactions has me startled.

I never anticipated that the those not so pretty sides of waiting would come sneaking back so soon but here I am...trying my very best to shake those not so great feelings.

The crazy thing?  I know SO many people who are pregnant right now so this shouldn't sting...but it does.

A little background to why this announcement stung a bit more than normal: my husband works for a specialty unit within the police department and they are a small, close knit group of guys.  Of the guys in the unit, all have children and as of today all but 2 are pregnant.  Yup, that's what got me....everyone in my husband's unit seem to be getting pregnant and the joke is that there's something in the water causing this!  The thing is is that everyone pregnant now is pregnant with #2 or #3 and their first are barely a year old...so these guys move fast it seems!  My husband said all the guys joke that we are next and so is "so and so" because well, "there's something in the water."

Umm...that would be great if I could simply have some of that water but I am pretty certain that numerous times I "drank" whatever that person was drinking (ie:lots of water, this type of meds, yoga, this "position", etc...) in those 5 years trying to achieve pregnancy but it didn't quite work like that.

I'm rambling, I know...it's just one of those times where all you need to do is type and not really think about it.

So, that's what I am doing.

I really hope that this makes sense and I really hope that those that are still waiting can understand that I am not complaining that I am not pregnant...it's just so hard that these feelings are back already.

I am not ready to have to fight off these feelings.
I am not ready for the bolder to be back on my chest every time I hear of another pregnancy.
I am not ready for people to ask us when we will have our next and me freak out praying and hoping and begging that we are able to conceive again.

I am not ready but for some reason those feelings are starting to surface again.

Looks like I am going to have a LOT of praying to do.  
A LOT of offering up to do. 
And a LOT of remembering to live in the now to do. 

"You don't always need a plan.  Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens." [Mandy Hale]

2 months

I can't believe it's been almost 2 month since I've last written! There's been plenty of posts floating around that I've wanted to write but I've just not made the time...or if I finally take the time, my mind draws a blank!

I do have a lot to catch up on but since that's a bit overwhelming to think about-I'll start with just a few little updates:

-My sweet little one is almost 9 months....crazy crazy to think she has almost been out longer than in! It's happening too fast...

-Speaking of happening too fast, how the heck is it November?!?!

-Not only have I been a poor blogger in regards to actually posting, I've slacked on reading and commenting....hoping to change all that!

-Today is Monday...I haven't been able to lift my baby since Friday! :/ Friday my back went out...which hasn't happened in a long time but usually some stretches are enough to fix it. Not this time. I called my husband in tears and panic because I could barely walk and worried about having to pick F up in the morning. Saturday was so bad, we went to a chiropractor (which has helped in the past also) and by Saturday night the pain was so unbearable that I couldn't even walk. My dh took me into the local er clinic and after meeting with the doctor I found out I have a pinched nerve/slipped disk. A couple shots and some meds later I'm feeling better but still not able to pick up F. My dh gas been incredible, doing it all, but I'm definitely hoping to feel better soon because he works nights (tonight actually) and of course of those we would ask for help, 2 are out of town and one is sick. We are thinking of making a pallet on the ground so that way I won't have to pick her up...I don't know, we shall see...I'm trying not to panic...prayers would be greatly appreciated.

-And so much more but I really just felt like I needed to simply start somewhere, so this is it for now!




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