"Faith makes things possible...not easy."

My last few days...

2012-02-26T22:30:00.001-08:00

...in pictures!
Not going to say who ;) I got this awesome score against...but it was my highest I've ever gotten and so I just had to post:

I got teased quite a bit for wearing this shirt...think highlighter yellow!! Everytime i would walk into a room, people were like, "wow-there you are!" There are tons of bright colors at Tar.get and I just love the brightness-which the picture doesn't quite capture (ignore my awkward pose, sometimes I'm just awkward I guess):

I got to spend time with my nose running, slobber lips, fast crawling, smiley, sweet nephew (who will be a year next month!!):

I'm trying to start this book but am not very motivated. Anybody read this series yet?

Found this tank top (which I'll layer) for $6 at forever 21. I love lace and am trying to be more brave and just wear it:

We discovered a new ice cream place. Lots of flavors of fresh baked cookies+ lots of yummy ice cream=sooooo delicious.

My sweet man took me to see this tonight, and I only cried a few times:

Then walking out, I saw this and got SOOOOO excited!!! I'm so obsessed with this series and can.not.wait til the movie comes out:

That's all folks.

"Today is life - the only life you are sure of. Make the most of today." [Dale Carnegie]

Easy craft and what giving up FB has caused me to do

2012-02-23T10:25:00.001-08:00

If you have kids, or sweet nieces and nephews or nanny for a youngster, you should definitely try this because: 1)it's soooo easy and 2)it's quite fun!

All you need is:
1/4 cup cornstarch
1/4 cup cold water
A few drops of food coloring
And...
Voila, you have chalkboard paint!

Take an old paintbrush and go outside and enjoy the gorgeous weather all while decorating that driveway!

I watch a 3 year old girl and she loved not only painting with it but also making it!

I just had to share this because I couldn't get over how easy it was and besides, it's been too long since I've mentioned anything about crafting!

On a completely different note, no FB=cleaning and organizing! I turned my anxiety yesterday into cleaning and organizing the kitchen cabinets! The spice cabinet was the worst. This first picture shows what was all crammed inside (pretty much same order also!!) and the second is the after!

Notice all those spice jars in the top of the first picture? Those were filled with old spices I've never used!! Looks like I will have something for a craft some day! Also, that bag filled with trash was old outdated stuff that was crammed in there also!

It felt quite good to get the kitchen cabinets in order...it made me not even miss FB that much.

Wait, who am I kidding? I definitely still missed it!

Anyways, hope Lent is treating everyone well so far! And if you want an easy craft-go try that chalkboard paint!

As for me...I'm off to organize the master bedroom!

Problem...

2012-02-21T21:35:00.001-08:00

You know you have a problem when you are less than an hour away from giving up FB (and pinte.rest) til Easter...and you are feeling quite anxious!

Eek!

I've given up other things but these two things are causing the most anxiety for me.

Which means it's a good thing I'm giving them up.

[incase you didn't know, for Catholics and some Christians, the 40 days leading up to Easter are known as Lent and we offer up or sacrifice something we love/enjoy/like to better prepare for Easter... [inanutshellthatswhatsup].

Anyways...I'll update more on how this not so great month as looked up a bit (by the grace of God and the amazing support of my dh) but just wanted to see/ask if anyone else was giving things up that made them anxious this Lenton season.

(stolen from pi.nterest)

Tough month.

2012-02-16T18:14:00.001-08:00

So, I have this good friend.

I've gotten to know her because both our husbands were in the police academy together.

She informed me a bit ago that she was off birth control to see what would happen...even though they are off it sooner than their 5 year plan (a little over 2 years so far) they're open to seeing what happens.

She knows of our struggles.
She's seen my tears.

And at that same dinner...she says, "and it's so weird being off the pill. Now every time we are together, I freak the heck out thinking that omg we could be making a baby right now."

Sigh.

I'm certain in a short amount of time I'll be getting "that call" because that's what happens...

This month has been rough. Maybe it's because we are still technically taking "time off" or maybe it's because we are slowly in the process of working with doctor h.

Either way this fog over my mind, this heaviness on my chest and this constant lump in my throat...it's overwhelming.

I wouldn't say I'm depressed but I'm definitely down.

Sure, I put on the smile and meet with family and friends and go on as I'm ok.

But this month has been hard.

Why this month?

Where's the hopefulness, the trusting and the offering it up?

It's been so hard.
Ugh.
Ready to start feeling better and feeling hopeful again.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

IF...and friendships lost.

2012-02-13T12:58:00.000-08:00

Never in a million years would I have thought I would be a person struggling to get pregnant.

Never in a million years would I think that on top of the pain, bitterness, heart ache, feeling completely useless, being pissed at my body for not working right, jealously, hurting and sadness, that I would also have to deal with friendships lost.

I am slowly and painfully realizing that friendships lost are just another thing to add to the already painful cross of IF.

I have a couple examples, and sadly there are many more, but for now I just wanted to share some of what i have experienced.

The first one that I noticed that I lost, is a friend who I was in her wedding a year ago this past October:

Her and I have been friends since middle school. We met in youth group and she was always so sweet and wanting those around her to be happy and never feel left out. As with any friendship, during our college years we went off to different places and lost touch only to find our friendship once we were back from school in our hometown.

I'll never forget those moments leading up to her wedding because I was so happy for her and her now husband, and also, I was so full of hope for our growing family because I had just had surgery at the end of July. I remember one day before the wedding I met her for lunch and we discussed everything wedding and then she asked me how I was doing. I don't know why but for some reason that day I was feeling emotional (who am I kidding, that's most days.) and broke down to her about how painful IF was. She listened ever so sweetly and reminded me that I was in her prayers.

Fast forward February (last year) after her wedding. It was Valentines day. That night at dinner I get a text from her that read something like this:

"Just wanted you to know before it hits fb-J and I are expecting our precious miracle from God in October. We are so excited and feel so blessed!"

Right then and there I knew that our friendship was forever changed. There was no call or text to see how I was-it was all about them and there ever growing family.

Don't get me wrong I was so happy for this miracle, but to think that a few short months ago I was in tears telling her about the pain of IF and now to receive a text on V-day...well, it broke my heart.

Throughout her entire pregnancy I tried to comment on pictures and say that she looked cute and I texted her when she announced it would be a girl. I went to her baby shower and met her for lunch to talk all things baby. Not once in those 9 months, and now even, did she ask how things were going. She has tried and text to see if I want to meet up and I just don't have it in me to meet up.

If she does text me to randomly say, "hi" it always involves how extremely blessed and fulfilled she feels being a mom.

I know this may seem like an extreme case-but it happened and I have noticed that some of my not as great of friends back off once they have kids.

We don't so much fit into their group anymore.

Another example is of a person I've mentioned on here before. She and I were never that close but since her and my husband are officers together, I tried to make an effort at first. I had briefly mentioned that my dh and I were struggling but still hopeful, but we never got into it too much since we weren't that close. We were some what cordial and could hang out and have a good time (wine helped) until she told me, "she was taking her vitamins and drinking water because they wanted to get pregnant! And that my dh and I should so get pregnant with them because she didn't have a lot of preggo friends." And of course, like I mentioned in another post, a couple months later they were pregnant and life was grand for them.

I did my best to suck it up and attend the baby shower and listen as she talked about all things baby.

Since we weren't that close to begin with, I didn't feel so sad about losing the friendship, but I was more annoyed that yet another person had a baby and completely forgot what it was like to ask someone else how things were.

Oh and the thing that's really annoying (since I'm venting) is that now that she has had her baby, she started a blog because she said she's become "somewhat of an expert in all things natural...natural drug free births, brea.st feeding and cloth diapering."

Ugh.

I have lost other friendships-some that are close and some that are not as close-because of my IF. I've tried to open up to some of the closer friendships but to no avail because they are busy and blessed with their babies.

I know that through the pain there is bitterness mixed in with jealousy. I am nervous that when the time comes (God willing, please dear Lord) that they will want to be back in my life because I could relate to them. I don't know if I would have the strength to allow that.

Hebrews wrote an awesome post on what it's like to be on the other side and have those that ignored you once before jump back into your life with advice and zeal. I'm not even there yet but I've thought about it.

There are so many times that I want to scream out, "as happy as I am that your beautiful family has grown-it doesn't have to be the ONLY thing we discuss about...stuff is happening with me too!!"

It just doesn't seem fair to me...that we have to add yet another downside to the IF list of fun. Shots, surgeries, heart ache, anger, bitterness, medicines, doctor appointments, shaken faith and sadness are not enough, apparently lost friendships need to be added into the mix.

I wont end on such a negative note, I will add that I have a dear friend of mine who has had 2 precious boys and her and I are closer than ever before. Want to know why? Because along with me and her discussing how freaking precious her babies are and spending time with them, she asks me about treatment, how I'm feeling and reminds me often that my dh and I are in her prayers.

I guess through all this...I'm learning who my true friends are.

It's a painful one.

It hurts like hell feeling so left out-almost like what it would feel like to be picked last on the playground.

No kids=picked last on the playground for this IFer.

If for some reason, some non-IFer is reading this but has an IFer friend...don't forget to ask every now and then how things are.

That will go a long way.

I promise.

(Courtesy of pin.terest)

Needing a little reminder...

2012-02-06T15:24:00.000-08:00

(Stolen from pin.terest)

So sad.

2012-02-01T20:18:00.000-08:00

I have this friend who I have known since we were in the second grade. We have been close off and on since that time but really the first "break" in our relationship was when we left for college-which I feel is completely understandable.

When I was a sophomore in college she called me out of the blue and I knew something was up because we hadn't spoken in quite a few months (since maybe summer break when we were both home).

She was in tears and her voice was shaky.

My heart sank because I didn't know what she was about to share with me but I knew it was something not good.

She had told me that her and her now "broken up with boyfriend" had just found out they were pregnant.

She was so broken and confused and unsure of what to do.

She had only spoken to her mother, the ex and a couple close college buddies.

I was feeling like God had really called her to talk to me because I would be the voice of "the other side."

You see, her mother was all for terminating the pregnancy, and in fact had told my friend that she had had 3 aborti.ons when she was younger.

She told me this and I was shocked, I guess I knew they were hard core liberals and "free-spirits" but I had never had such a grasp on people I knew having an abo.rtion.

Then of course there was her ex and other friends. ALL pro-choice and about not messing up a women's life and the path she wanted not the one that she didn't plan for.

I of course told her that she should pray about this and think about this and that I had some really great resources for her and people she could talk to about what was happening.

I talked to her about adoption about how that at this point there was no going back, that this baby was already here...and with a heart beat and fingers and toes.

She sobbed on the phone saying she was so confused and wasn't sure what she was suppose to do.

I begged her to pray long and hard and please talk to someone with more advice as to what she could do after the baby was born.

We got off the phone and I told me bf (now dh), in tears, what had just happened. Him and I stopped and said a prayer for her, the ex, and the baby.

Hearing her cry and acknowledge the fact that she knew she was indeed pregnant with a baby, I just knew in my heart she would choose life.

Not so...

A few weeks later I got a text that her and her ex decided that at this time in their lives it wouldn't work out to have a baby and so they "took care of it."

My heart was devastated and I cried for the loss and I cried knowing that my friend would be in pain dealing with this.

We lost touch for awhile and I knew it was because she was probably worried about what I would say/think/feel.

Fast forward to the next summer break: my usual group of close gf's that got together, when home from college, all decided to go out and grab drinks to welcome the summertime fun.

We all had a blast and enjoyed relaxing and not thinking about school and worrying about homework.

Then at the end of the night I had noticed my one friend had a little too much to drink and so I offered to drive her home seeing as her parent's lived right around the corner from me.

Right before I turned on her street she broke down.

Through her tears she said, "I can't believe I killed my baby. But I just know it wouldn't have worked out. I have so much I want to do with my life. Live in NY. Be on broadway. Get married to someone I love. Live my life. BUT, I can't believe that I killed my baby."

I had tears in my eyes seeing my friend so broken and in pain. All I could muster out was that her baby was now safely in heaven and I told her that I would pray for her healing.

And that was that.

That event was never talked about again.

I couldn't help but think about what it was like for her to get married (now two years) to a new, amazing man and knowingly and willingly discuss the excitement of having children.

She must still think about what happened in college even though she puts on a front.

The thing that breaks my heart the most is that noone else knows of that night between the two of us. If they did, they wouldn't believe it. You see, she is HARD core pro-choice and women's rights.

But I know she aches somewhere deep inside, even if she chooses to not think about it right now.

It's hard for me, because I had that moment with her, the moment where my "pro-choice, women's right" friend broke down and told me she was in pain because she knew she killed her baby.

I've even tried to be careful what I say on FB because I don't want to hurt her. My dh says I need to just be open-for example, during the March for life, I usually just say "a person's a person no matter how small" and even though I love this quote I would love to post a beautiful picture of a 7 week old baby showing their perfect little toes and fingers and well...I always hold back because I don't want her to be in pain.

And she's usually pretty hush hush on the whole pro-choice subject, but then today, I log on and see this:

And I wanted to say something SO badly...but I don't like confrontation and I don't want to hurt her because I KNOW how she felt after her abort.ion.

I guess I just wish there was a "dis-like" button on FB because that way people could tell I just don't like something but am not looking for an argument or fight...which I would surely get if I said something, and most likely not from her but from her very open and very loud liberal friends.

I honestly have no idea of where I am going with this. I most likely will not say something but I am feeling more and more like I should speak up about what I feel is important (a person's a person no matter how small) and just realize that if people get angry (which I have seen with others on fb) then they can simply "un-friend" me.

Another great fear I have with all this...getting the call or text from her saying "we're expecting!!" and not being angry with her for wanting this one and not the other one. I guess we will cross that bridge when it comes. Hopefully I will have a sweet one nestled in my arms when that happens...

Sorry for the long rant...I had to get it off my chest.

Please don't tell me to just relax!

2012-01-29T22:47:00.000-08:00

Please...
Don't tell me to relax.
Because that's what helped you.

It's been over 4 years.

And I have PCOS (and God only knows what else) and it's simply not that easy...

[CanyoutellimgettingjustaWEEbitannoyedwithbeingtoldtorelax].

I think I need a vacation.

And maybe some new ovaries...

Red heads have more fun

2012-01-28T19:15:00.001-08:00

That's how that saying goes, right? ;)

Let's just say after being in such a funk this last week I decided I needed a change. And I wanted to actually follow through with doing something I've always wanted to do...

Go red!

Here's the before and the after!

So now I'm a red head and I'm still unsure of what I think about that. Oh well, it's just hair! The stylist also cut off 4 inches of dead ends...which I anticipated seeing as i haven't had a hair cut in forever!!

Now instead of dwelling on IF and getting overwhelmed thinking about this new journey, up ahead with Doctor H, I'm freaking out about my hair...eek, red hair!!

"When in doubt wear red." (Bill Blass)

Left out.

2012-01-26T20:34:00.001-08:00

I know that I am not the only person struggling with IF...but these last few days I sure have felt like it.

It seems all my "in real life" friends have lapped me more than once and that so many of my blogger friends have lapped me also...

-insert the sad playing music here...

Maybe it's the fact that it's been over 4 years since we've been seeing doctors and it will be 5 years this June that we have been open to life.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so hopeful and so excited to begin working with Doctor H, it's just that emotionally I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed...

Seeing all those wonderful baby posts on FB...

Hearing about pregnancy announcements...

Realizing that our 5 year anniversary is already this summer and thinking, "oh my, where has the time gone.."

Sitting at home, alone at night, while my husband works and realizing that our not so big 1400 square foot home feels rather large...

I've just been feeling so.very.left.out.

My heart hurts and aches for something I've never even known.

The hope is still there-and in full swing-but these middle moments (getting medical records together and finishing up charting) have proven rather difficult on this usually "hope and excitement out the wazoo" lady.

Praying that I'm able to get out of this funk sooner than later and that I'm able to enjoy and cherish the beautiful blessings that are here and now...

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

If only it were that simple

2012-01-23T16:33:00.001-08:00

I saw this picture on pint.erest and laughed.

Then I rolled my eyes.

If only it were that simple...

My day in pictures: [Marchforlife]

2012-01-22T00:03:00.001-08:00

And my favorite sign:

:)

"A person's a person no matter how small."

The sh*t they say...

2012-01-18T18:16:00.001-08:00

Okay, so the title probably comes across as a bit harsh and maybe y'all are thinking, "omg...has FMTP officially lost it?!" but don't worry, I write this post in good spirits!

I don't know if y'all have seen the videos popping up ALL over FB but there's videos for most every group of people (and I'm not condoning them all or anything like that) and the "sh*t they say." For example what guys say, what girls say, etc...

Well, I was laughing with my dh that some IFer needs to come up with a video that says, "The Sh*it non-IFers say to ifers!"

Because I know we've heard it all!! My list would start with (but totally not limited to just) this:

"Just relax! Really, we thought after the first month of trying that we might have troubled too, but them we relaxed! It works!"

"I have like a million friends who have adopted and then got pregnant...you should so adopt! It works!"

"Dog.gy style! Really...it works!!"

"Oh, it's so nice y'all are waiting, you'll understand once y'all actually have kids" (This was said after speaking about our 4 year journey)

-"Y'all are young. Don't worry!" (once again said after talking about years of struggle)

-"Go on a trip...that's when our precious ones were conceived! It really works!"

Aaaaand the list could go on but that's where I would start if I made a video! ;)

What about yall? What crazy advice y'all heard?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

So much peace.

2012-01-15T19:19:00.000-08:00

I don't know how to explain it, but for some reason this past week I have felt so.much.peace in regards to our next steps in our TTC adventure.

Peace.

Oh sweet, sweet peace.

It's amazing. I haven't felt that huge rock weighing down on my chest or the lump in the back of my throat when I hear of another pregnancy.

It's been so wonderful to feel this peace and hope. I am very aware that these feelings are not forever ones and because of this I CHERISH these moments.

I cling to them.

Cherishing and clinging-that about sums up what I'm doing now.

An update in regards to my charting: I'm getting closer to finishing the mandatory 2 months to send to Doctor H and then I will fill out a check (hello $100 to just get started) and mail those off to Omaha.

Oh the excitement.

A new adventure is upon us and even though we have been seeing doctors for a little over 4 years now, it feels like a fresh new start...perfectly coinciding with the start of the new year.

2012 bring it! :)

(Photo from Pin.terest)

Two exciting things I got in the mail today

2012-01-10T15:27:00.000-08:00

First this:

Yes...I'm so excited because even though I've been "charting" on my phone and keeping track of everything I see (or don't see :/), I knew I needed to have some new charts to document everything to send to Doctor H! Yay! I never thought in a million years I would be this excited about charting! One step closer...(and yes, I purposely placed the white baby stickers on top...thinking positively!) :)

And then, I was so excited to receive my first ever blog giveaway. And although everyone was chosen and got a piece of beautiful jewelry, I didn't care because it was my first ever win! Go me! ;) Here's the bracelet:

It's so pretty and sparkly and I love it! Thank you so much Donna...I'm actually wearing it now-although it's a bit too nice for my jeans, house slippers and old sweater! ;)

Two fun things in the mail today...mixed with bills and dumb cre.dit card applications...what a treat! :)

Happy Tuesday, y'all!

"Why not go out on a limb? That's where the fruit is." (Mark Twain)

A friendly reminder...

2012-01-09T20:56:00.001-08:00

We took all the Christmas decorations down today...which is never fun. But...after I packed all the fun, festive decorations away, the old "everyday decorations" were pulled out and the last glitter and (fake) pine needles were vacuumed up, I went to change out our little chalk message board, by our kitchen, and knew instantly what i needed to see...A little friendly reminder for tomorrow...and on...

Slow down. Cherish every moment.Hello 2012! :)- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

So emotional

2012-01-08T18:46:00.000-08:00

I don't quite get why I have been so emotional the last few days.

Even a sweet friend of mine asked me the other day if it was "that time of the month" because I was tearing up when she was talking about how much she loved her bf and how she was trusting in God's timing for the next step...their engagement.

I told her no, no where near CD1.

It's so strange, even for me, to be crying and getting goosebumps all.day.long. over every.little.thing.

BUT...I think I credit it to being the first of the year and there's something about the first of the year that brings about so much hope and anticipation for what the year will hold for us.

If anyone is lacking in the hope department...just talk to me and I'll happily give you some of the ample amounts of hope that I have.

I've mentioned it before, there's really no reason for THIS much hope but I won't question it.

I love it.

So, today is CD20 and a couple days ago was the first time I saw anything worth getting too excited about (just a very small amount of fertile cm) but still I allowed myself to think positively and run with that hope.

Then here we are CD20 and I have seen quite a bit of good cm...which of course has me thinking and has me hoping. It's been awhile since I've seen anything that good so that makes me feel like maybe my body isn't completely useless, but then again...it's my body and I just never know!

Either way, whether this month brings about something that we have been dreaming about and striving for for over 4 years or if it's brings another CD1...I'm ok because we are making steps in the right direction.

I'm in the middle of getting my charts done to send up to Omaha and I am excited for all that has in store for us.

Then again, seeing this good cm today has me thinking...and hoping...and I'm ok with that!

I'll end with a funny story. Tonight at Mass on the way in I noticed a pamphlet that said "Catholics and Infertility" and was shocked...I've NEVER seen or heard anyone talking about IF at my church or any of the church's I've visited. So on the way out I grabbed it and my husband whispered, "what's that?" and I showed it to me him.

Then he gave me this shocked and confused look.

Apparently he thought it said, "Catholics and infidelity.."

I, of course, laughed and said, "yes, babe...this is how I was going to tell you about my boyfriend..."

It was quite funny though and we both got a good laugh out of it. I haven't read through it but I will say one thing, it brought me much comfort to see that they were offering this because there were so many times (still are) that I feel quite left out when it comes to IF and the Church talking about it.

So in a nutshell:
-Thankful for all this hope!
-Say a prayer for me that my body is doing something worthwhile (ovulateovualateovulate!)
-I have not cheated on my husband.
-Yay for pamphlets with information about IF and the Church.

“Your journey has molded you for the greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time.”
(Asha Tyson)

The next chapter

2012-01-03T00:40:00.000-08:00

I am still in a bit of disbelief that it is already a new year...2011 fleeeew by and I can only imagine how fast this year will zoom by as well.

That is in part why I've decided my resolution for this year is to cherish the here and now moments.

Cherish the time with my amazing, crazy and loud family.
Cherish the moments of laughter and silliness with friends.
Cherish the moments when my husband stops in the middle of doing something just to hug and kiss me and say "I love you."
Cherish the blessings that are here and now.

Too many times I'm either thinking about the past (umm..hello crappy 4 year TTC anniversary, you suck) and all that we could have should have would have done.
Or i find myself worrying way too much about what I will need to/have to do in the future.

Cherishing the blessings that are here in front of me.
Of course, I'm still looking forward with hopeful anticipation and trying to remember not to dwell on the past...

I hope and pray that this New Year brings about many blessings to all of us...

I sure hope so.
And I have faith so.

Cherishing this new year and all that's to come!

"You can't start a new chapter in your life if you keep re-reading the last one."

Omaha...hope you're ready for the H family!!!

Don't you just love when...

2011-12-30T21:03:00.000-08:00

...you are browsing the Old.Nav.y website and go to click on the "women's" section but hit this instead...

...yeah, me either! Almost as if the silly world wide web decided to laugh at me and say, "NOT FOR YOU...JUST KIDDING!"

AAAAND...moving on.

I just wanted to wish everyone a happy and joyful NYE and of course a wonderful new year filled with many (manymanymanymany) blessings!

I really do love how the new year brings about a new sense of hope, joy and excitement of what's to come...

Quick takes: Prayer buddy, Christmas season, how I'm feeling, etc..all included

2011-12-27T21:35:00.000-08:00

1)I have to do a quick takes tonight because to be quite honest-the time in between my last post has felt like a sort of mish mash (is that how that's even said?!) of thoughts and feelings. Anyways, moving on...

2) I had the honor of praying for K @ www.runningsoloorsolow.blogspot.com-her blog is private, which is why I'm sure I hadn't heard much from her/about her. I immediately felt like I could connect with her because I have had so many heart felt conversation with my one of dearest friends about the aches and pains that come along with waiting for your significant other. I almost was surprised to receive her as my prayer buddy because I always get someone who is waiting and hoping and struggling with TCC...however, once I read her story, I almost felt as if it was natural for me to pray for her, because I had already been praying so hard for my sweet friend. K, just know that you will continue to be in my prayers!!

3) I didn't blog much after my last notsohappygolucky post, but it was because I needed to step back and focus on healing and focus on why I was celebrating Christmas. I wish I could say that it helped me and I was able to truly focus on the true meaning of Christmas and enjoy every celebration-but unfortunately, that wasn't the case. In a nut shell, let's just say Christmas Eve Mass I was on the verge of tears the whole time.

4) Thankfully not too many tears were lost Christmas Eve though because my DH and I showed up a little later to Mass and were stuck in the "back" (if you can even call it that)-where they had extra chairs in the hallways by the bathroom. Let's just say, the little ones trekking their way to the potties distracted me just enough to forget some of the pain I had been feeling.

5) And THANKFULLY and wonderfully, Christmas morning rolled around and my heart and soul felt new again. The hope seemed to creep back in and I felt overjoyed to be celebrating the birth of our Lord. I really have no explanation as to why Christmas morning came and brought me so much peace expect that it was the Holy Spirit. I don't go and question why certain days bring on the hope...I just go with it. Like I've said before, I CLING to it.

6) Can I just say that I am SOOOOO and a million more SOOOO's happy for sweet M @ JBTC and the birth of her precious miracle!! Her daughter was born the day after Christmas and what a beautiful gift that was! I was texting Jelly Belly and telling her how I get so much hope and joy when a fellow IFer crosses over...and truly that joy and hope has spilled over into today!

7) And that joy and hope-I pray for all of us...that this coming year finds many of us, still waiting, filled with blessings and joy through prayers answered.

8) THANK you to all of you wonderful ladies who have been praying for me in the last few weeks. I have struggled so much and was hurting more than I anticipated, but I know it's through y'alls amazing prayers that I have been able to slowly heal and pick up and move forward.

9) Speaking of moving forward, I am SO excited to start working with Doctor Hilgers. I am going to kick this PCOS in the butt. Hard. And then I may punch it also.

10) Okay, so glad I called this post a "quick takes" because I have been all over the place...thanks for bearing with me!

11) Praying for each and everyone of you beautiful blogger ladies and holding on to faith and hope...

"Faith in something greater than ourselves enables us to do what we have said we'll do, to press forward when we are tired or hurt or afraid, to keep going when the challenge seems overwhelming and the course is entirely uncertain." (Gordon Hinckley)

Feeling a little defeated

2011-12-19T22:49:00.000-08:00

Ever since hearing the horrible news this past weekend, I spent the rest of the weekend in a fog, crying more than I thought I would and feeling sort of numb.

I know it's going to take sometime to heal from hearing about the loss of the baby. It's just that I thought the worst case scenario would be that she chooses another family or chooses to keep the baby...which both of those don't seem bad at all. I just never ever even thought abortion.

It still makes me so sad to know that is what happened but I'm going to continue to pray for her-as hard as it may be.

It just hurts.

Moving on...

In cycle news...I started spotting today, a couple days sooner than I have been averaging...which is awesome...wa'freakin'who for having your period on/around Christmas eve/Christmas.

I'm already so emotional from things, now add in hormones and I am a big mess.

Oh and, add in another pregnancy announcement (Dh's cousin, it's their second..they married 2 weeks after us-but who's thinking about that, now?!) and that really has sent me into a funk.

I really hate feeling like this. But one can not be always cheerful with hope and smiles spilling out their wazoo...no, the sadness, bitterness and anger come out from time to time as well.

I am going to try my best to get out of this funk ASAP though because I do not want my own little funk to fog why we are celebrating this time of year.

Ugh, I hate feeling like this...

"Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
'I will try again tomorrow.'"

One door closes as another opens.

2011-12-16T12:29:00.000-08:00

Today my heart is filled with both joy and sadness.

Short story of the sadness and door closing:
The young mother who was open to adoption and who we were thinking about adopting from, decided that drugs and alcohol were more important than having a baby.

I think she was nearly 4 months along and she aborted the baby.

My heart feels crushed because this situation brought so much excitement and joyful anticipation for both my dh and I.

But now, that baby is in heaven.

I have tears in my eyes as I type this. It's like I said before, whatever the outcome with the situation (this was before I found out about the abortion) I felt such a strong connection to this little soul and would pray for them and the mother.

I will still pray, but my heart is aching through the prayers because I would have done anything I could have to help that baby have a long and happy and loved life.

But it wasn't my choice.

Please pray for this young mom, M.

Now, as for the other door opening:
Well, I finally mustered up the courage to call PPVI today. I got the information I needed and got off the phone feeling SO excited and so JOYFUL that this was something that was going to bring good things for my dh and I.

That excitement was cut short because literally about 5 minutes after I called, my MIL called me with the sad news.

So many mixed emotions today, tears of sadness and heart break, mixed with a joyful anticipation for this next step in our fertility journey with PPVI.

I trust Him.

Even through the trusting, it still hurts though.
A lot.
My heart is broken.

6 quick takes

2011-12-14T15:09:00.000-08:00

I am doing only six quick takes today because:

1) I found out today, at my second week of weight wat.chers that I have lost SIX pounds so far!! I was so shocked especially seeing as I have been munching on the good stuff with my nephews! It feels so good! Hopefully I can keep losing and hopefully this will help in my fertility (or lack there of)...at least I know it can't hurt!

2) No news on the adoption. I just continue to pray for the mother and the baby. It's interesting praying for a young mom and baby (who I have never met) every.single.day. I'm grateful I know the mom's name because then I can pray for her by name. Still so eager but knowing that if this is God's will, then things will fall into place one way or the other.

3) Please hold me accountable. I haven't talked to Omaha yet-and I really want to. It just seems every time I think about it I freak out a little bit (because I know what a HUGE step this will be for us). I am a loser. Please hold me accountable!!

4) Also, since you will be holding me accountable for number 3, will you also help encourage me to schedule my appointment with our local Napro doctor? I haven't seen a regular OBGYN in a year and a half...which means I haven't had my annual...which is really not good.

5) SARAH'S JOURNAL-I totally missed the post where you said you were going private and to email you...I miss knowing what's going on and if it's not too late, could you email me so I could continue reading. (fmtpblog@yahoo.com)

6) Christmas is coming up so fast and I haven't bought (or made) a single gift. BUT I have made a list and know pretty much all I need to get/make. I'm not too worried, it's not too much. I will say though, when I hear about everyone that had their gifts bought weeks ago...well, I felt like a slacker!

The end.

The non-update about the adoption

2011-12-11T18:29:00.000-08:00

I really don't have much of an update at all-which is a little disappointing because I would love to know more and have a better "feel" for where this may or may not lead.

But then I take a step back and remember that God is in control and that I pray for HIS will to be done along with His timing.

So anyways, like I said, I do not know much more about the situation but my MIL did find out a few other things, like that this young 18 year old has a three year old and has also had an abortion in the past (unsure of whether it was before the three year old or after). Obviously this was so sad to hear BUT she said that she regrets the abortion so much and would never go through that again.

My heart skips a beat.
A good happy beat.
How ever this situation ends, this young mom will choose LIFE and not abort.

God is good.

We are still praying about it and discussing it and will not know more until my MIL meets with the girl in the next couple of weeks.

I will say one thing, I can't NOT think about it.

The idea, that maybe in 5 or so months I could be a mom.

That my dh could be a dad.

I try and shake that from my mind and not think about it too much but I can't help it. For some reason this situation has come to my dh and I and no matter the outcome, it's forever changed my heart.

For now, we are just sorta sitting in limbo...not really knowing anything about the situation but still trusting in HIS will.

And thanking God that she will not abort the baby!

That's all for my non-update...

“We have very little faith in the Lord, very little trust. If we trusted the Lord as much as we trust a friend when we ask him to do something for us, neither we as individuals nor our whole country would suffer so much.” (Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica)

This makes any bad day better!

2011-12-09T16:24:00.000-08:00

My sweet little, 3 year old, godson was telling me how much he loves me.

Seriously melts my heart into a million little melty heart pieces!!

I will cherish this video until forever and I know that when I am having a not so great day, that it will lift my spirits!

I hope that it brings a little bit of joy y'alls way as well...

Enjoy:

My first ever award

2011-12-07T23:04:00.000-08:00

I feel sorta bad because I was first given this award back in November from this amazing blogger and was going to blog about how EXCITED and HONORED I was but unfortunately I'm just now getting around to it. I am still so EXCITED and so honored though! And in the time between then and now, this wonderful blogger and this amazing blogger thought I was ok enough to receive the award also...so needless to say, I'm feeling very blessed! :) THANK YOU ladies!!!

And since I've been given the love...now I will pass the love out to these awesome bloggers:

http://theroadhomewv.blogspot.com/
http://thiscrossiembrace.blogspot.com/
http://ifbuthopeful.blogspot.com/
http://frustrationstation-jellybelly.blogspot.com/
http://theroadhomewv.blogspot.com/

Grr...my computer is being dumb and not letting me do the awesome "click here and it will send you to the link that I just typed out" so...if you don't already know the above bloggers, just copy and paste and go and see for yourself just how awesome they are!!

Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules:
1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog or emailing them.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

Adoption advice. *UPDATE!

2011-12-04T18:20:00.000-08:00

***I talked more today with my MIL and I had it wrong (not shocking, this was some major news and my heart and mind were racing!!)...apparently it's not family at all, it's the family member's (my MIL's uncle's great grandson's) girlfiend's sister...so the uneasiness of possibly being within family is not even there. My dh is still overwhelmed but open...please continue the prayers!!! Who knows what will happen all I know is that I trust HIM. ***

My dh and I have been trying for nearly 4 years now.
We have been open to life since we got married 4.5 years ago.

We have prayed that God leads us where he wants in regards to growing our family.

And the last so many years...this has been to doctors, pursuing getting me healthy and hopefully pregnant.

He's never let us down and it seems that each time we grow a little closer and closer to growing our family.

And now, we have prayed and feel that we will look into pursing treatment in Omaha with Doctor H (making the call tomorrow please say a prayer!!!) and feel extremely at peace and hopeful and excited.

We've always been opened to the idea of adoption, just never felt it was our time.

Until today.

My MIL approached me this morning with this:

Her uncle's daughter's son's girlfriend (who is 18) is pregnant with her second (the first she had when she was 15 with another man/boy) and was going to have an abortion but decided they want to pursue adoption.

She is 3.5 months along.

My MIL said she prayed about it and since she's worked with pregnant teens in the past, she knew that if she was going to pursue a private adoption, she would need to do that before she showed her to the local crisis pregnancy center and adoption agency.

She said she prayed about it and me and my dh came to her mind.

She had never thought of us before because we are "soo young" and even though we have been trying for awhile we are just "sooo young."

Anyways, I guess this has put a big responsibility on us...pray about/discern about/research about/and look into what it all means to adopt, and within family.

The thing is, my husband and I have not seen anyone on that side of the family (aside from my MIL's aunt and uncle once a year if that) and met these people.

BUT, the young couple want a closed adoption and do not want to know us/or whoever it is that is called to be this little ones parents.

How would that even begin to work within a family?

Sure, my family has had "in the family" adoptions before-my cousin was adopted by bio mom's dad, and my brothers and I were raised by my grandparents, but it's still so new to me to think of in the realms of US...and MY baby...and OUR family...

My husband was at first nervous and skeptical, but with lots of discussion he and I both decided to pray about it and look into what this could all mean.

I guess, I'm just curious and wondering what y'all thought? Would this cause way too many hardships than blessings? I don't want the family to feel unsettled at all.

And even though the bio mom and dad don't want to know who the adopted parents are...how could this be kept from the grandparent/great grandparents, especially because the great grandparents (my MIL's aunt and uncle) still keep in contact with my MIL and FIL?

My heart is already filled to the brim with the idea that this little soul was put into outr lives for a reason...whether it be that we are called to be their parents...or that they decide to parent and so we are called spiritually adopt him/her...or that maybe we are suppose to help lead this baby to another family.

I am not sure.

All I do know is that my mind is racing and my thoughts are going all over the place.

Please pray for us.

And offer any advice you have in regards to adoption/adoption within extended families/advice in general!!

Thanks.

Exausted

2011-12-02T20:17:00.000-08:00

But oh so happy!

You see, I've been running around and playing with my nephews.

Why would this make me exhausted?

Well, my poor SIL started not feeling so well at the beginning of the week and so her husband (my Dh's brother) decided they should go to the ER because of lots pain and vomiting, etc...

The verdict?

Appendicitis! My poor SIL! Her and her family live in Maryland and so they don't really get to visit TX but once a year and of course this would happen.

BUT...we have decided that it's a blessing because had this happened back home 1)her husband is a Marine and doesn't get a lot of time off 2)because of where they are stationed they don't have any other family nearby.

Here...they have lots of help between my MIL and me!

And my poor MIL is not quite as active as she use to be and stayed up the first night waking every 3 or so hours with the littlest (4 months) who has a cold and is strictly bre.astfed but thankfully he is taking the bottle like a champ.

Where I come in is that my BIL has been staying the night at the hospital and so I offered to go over and keep the two oldest boys (3 and 6) out of the house so that Gm could get stuff done and rest and then last night I stayed in the room with the littlest one and was on bottle duty so my poor MIL (who's beat from the holidays and having SO many family members over) could sleep.

At first I wasn't so sure I believed the whole "every 3 hours he's waking because of his cough and to eat" but low and behold it was every 3 hours!

Needless to say, after entertaining the two oldest all day yesterday, staying up with the little one last night and then taking the two oldest out again today...I am beat!

I am air high-fiving all moms out there right now! ;)

I'm seriously exhausted!

I was going to stay the night again, but since my BIL has to fly back home for work tomorrow, he's staying the night with the boys (my SIL's orders!) since he wont see them for 2 weeks.

Say a prayer for my SIL, she's in quite a bit of pain-between the emergency surgery and her still pumping and being stuck in the hospital away from her babies.

I will say, that every time I held that sweet little one last night and into this morning for his feedings, I would offer up prayers for many of you and especially my prayer buddy. Sacrificing that sleep for his sweet little self was obviously so worth it, and of course had me imagining and dreaming and praying about the day I am doing that with one of my own, but I was surprised in my sleepy stupor I was able to still pray and offer up prayers.

Anyways, after we took the two oldest to a movie (Arthur Chr.istmas...CUTE movie) and having the 3 year old in my lap the whole time spilling popcorn ALL over everywhere...I told them goodnight and said I would see them tomorrow, which they complained that was, "much too far away...it will take too long!!"

Sweet babies! :)

I came home just in time to kiss my husband goodbye for work (grr night time shifts) and laid on the couch anticipating an early night but then I realized that since all this happened unexpectedly I hadn't been able to put up Christmas decorations (but I've taken down the fall ones so our home feels a bit "naked" to me!) so I thought I would quickly put up the tree....

...1.5 hours later I finished and look forward to finishing the rest soon...just not tonight.

Tonight I am tired.

Feeling extremely blessed and loved.

But oh so tired.

Am I just rambling on now? Maybe I forgot to mention I'm a wee bit sleepy! ;)

And now, I'll end with a hint about where we have decided (with LOTS of prayers, advice and research) to pursue our next fertility stuff:

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”

I would discover pretzel m&ms...

2011-11-29T17:27:00.001-08:00

...the night before I start weig.ht watc.hers!!!

Oh me oh my.

Ps...I promise I'll be back to my regularly scheduled blogging soon!

P.s.s the commercials for those pretzel m&ms disturb me a bit..anyone else?

P.s.s.s yay for prayer buddies!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Even though my heart yearns and aches to be a mommy...

2011-11-24T00:15:00.000-08:00

...I will not let that get in the way of why today is important.

Today is a day to give THANKS.

A day to remember all the BLESSINGS.

A day to not forget all the WONDERFUL things that are here and now.

I will not let the pain, hurt and aching I feel inside cloud my heart and mind of seeing the BEAUTY that is in my life right now...

My faith.
My husband.
My family.
My friends.
Our health.
Our home.
Laughter.
Silliness.
Blogger buddies.
Sweet cuddles with nieces/nephews.
Sunsets.
Faith.
Hope.
Love.
And SO much more...

And even though today my heart still aches to be a mommy and have a sweet little one to call my own...I will NOT let that get in the way of all that I am thankful for.

My blessings.

If you stop and truly look at the blessings in your life you will most likely be blown away...because God is that good.

So on this Thanksgiving day...let's THANK GOD for all the beautiful blessings that we have now.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y'ALL!!!

Today I learned the best position for TTC...

2011-11-17T18:27:00.000-08:00

Yup, that's right folks...I learned the best position for making those babies.

From my 90 year old neighbor!!!

I kid you not!

Here's what happened:

This afternoon the doorbell rang and I got up and saw that it was our sweet, little old neighbor. I opened the door and invited her in.

She was so eager to talk to me that she stopped right then in there in the entryway and began to talk.

She said, "So, do y'all have that baby yet?"

I was taken aback and told her no, thinking that maybe she had us confused with our other neighbors who did indeed just have a baby.

She then says, "Well, I know how badly y'all want a baby and that y'all are trying hard. I would like to share with you something that I just know will work for you guys. I've been meaning to tell y'all for weeks actually."

About this time I'm standing there thinking how odd that she's coming to give us advice but thought that maybe my dh had opened up to her about our struggles and just didn't mention it to me...

She goes on to say, "When I was first married, that first year I wanted a baby but there was no baby. I was worried but then...well, then one nig.ht I got on the be.d on all fo.urs and my dear husband ente.red me from beh.ind. We got pregnant that very night."

Oh.
My.
Goodness.
What'shappeningrightnow.

I am now officially dying inside trying my very best not to crack up laughing and trying my best to tell my face not to show shock or to show too many shades of red.

And then she told me that she just knows it will work for us and that we need to do that and then she left.

And I locked the door...watched her walk away very slowly (in her black fuzzy house slippers) from the peep hole.

Once I saw she was out of sight I BURST into laughter!

I went to find my husband and I asked him what he told our sweet, little, old neighbor about our struggles with trying to conceive.

He looked at me confused and said that he hadn't told her anything.

Then I burst into laughter as I attempted to relive what just happened.

He then burst into laughter and we both looked at each other a bit confused.

Oh my...good times.

Apparently our neighbor has some sort of TTC esp or something because we just moved in to our house a year ago and we have never mentioned it to her before yet, she had been dying to tell us her "little secret" for awhile now.

My cheeks still hurt from laughing.

So yeah, either she really does have TTC esp or I am not doing a good job of "hiding" our struggles with strangers.

By the way, I'm pretty sure I'm still blushing.

Advice

2011-11-16T19:56:00.000-08:00

I am helping to put together my in-laws' 40th anniversary and we have most everything set (Mass, invitations, food, music, etc...).

The thing I need advice for is fun ways to display photos of the beautiful couple! I have seen many fun things on pinterest but am still a little unsure as to what I want to do. I'm in charge of decorations and so far, for the table decorations I'm thinking I want to display pictures of them throughout the years somehow.

The rehersal is being held at a cute little German restaurant and so the setting there is already way cute, however, I want to add personal details with the decorations (hence the photos)...or decorations in general!

So, any ideas or fun things y'all have seen?!

Let me know!

Thanks in advanced! :)

P.S...how in the world am I suppose to know when a blogger, that has gone to the private setting, has posted when it doesn't show up in my blog roll?!

This + this + this = awesomeness

2011-11-14T12:52:00.000-08:00

I heart Pho.
Don't you know?
If we're friends on fb, then you might...
Oh boy oh boy that first bite!

Okay, so maybe writing poems isn't my thing! ;)

But seriously, this,springrolls with peanut dipping sauce:

Plus this, the actual yummy Pho:

Topped off with the boba tea:

Is pretty awesome! :) If you haven't tried it yet...you should. And if you are ever in TX and near me and want to get some...well, I am SO down!

Anyways, I don't really have much else to say today aside from the fact that I'm still torn between seeking fertility treatment in Austin OR Omaha. Guess I need to keep doing research, asking advice and praying. I just don't want too much time to past because we have already been taking a "break" since August.

Prayers are greatly accepted.

This little heart of mine is rather heavy with decisions and choices and the not knowing...

Oh yes, and before I forget...the verdict for my new hairstyle is that I will not be getting a new one just yet...maybe just a few inches off but nothing too crazy like red or bangs or short. Thanks for the advice!

Wow...random post much? I should have just made this one a "quick-takes" one because well, the pho+talking about where to seek fertility treatment+hairstyles=all over the place.

Eek.

Anyhoos...off to think about that pho'bulous meal I just had! ;)

Veteran's Day

2011-11-11T12:28:00.001-08:00

Today, don't forget to remember all those that have served and are serving.

I am especially remembering my husband, 2 brothers, 2 BILs and my cousin.

There's so many more I could name-which makes me oh so proud-but I'll stop with those to make this post short, sweet and to the point...

HAPPY VETERAN'S DAY!

"We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude." -Cynthia Ozick

This past weekend into this week...

2011-11-08T23:58:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted, although I have wanted to.

The reason why I haven't?

Well...let's just say the end of last week and the beginning of this week have been filled with:

-LOTS of Facebook preggo announcements..
-Some friends saying, "So, when are y'all going to have kids?"
-Family members asking, "So, when are y'all going to have kids?"
-Talking with family and in-laws and friends as they discuss when when they "plan" on having their (2nd,3rd,4th) next little one.
-Getting discouraged because they can "plan" and we cannot.
-Having emotional days feeling far from God.
-Questioning where we should go next in this journey...still feeling like we need to pursue an actual fertility specialist (Austin? Omaha?)...
-Having a few not so fun family arguments in the midst of feeling down but having to "suck it up" because I'm still pretending to be ok.
-Realizing that we are closely coming up on 4 years of trying (with doctors) to conceive...

So, needless to say, if I would have blogged from last week and every day til now it would have been a lot of downer posts and well instead of that...I took the time to step back (well, sortakindaIdidjustmentionalotofwhatwasbringingmedown...cutmesomeslack,thisisstillmy blog,right?!) and pray about it and try and listen to what God was telling me.

And here's what I got so far...

-Give up FB if it gives you that much heart ache.
-If I'm not comfortable with opening up to family or friends about our trials and sufferings to having children...well, then just say, "we are trying..." and move on.
-Smile and say a prayer that when they actually do plan on "trying" that they don't have to suffer from any cross of IF because it hurts so very badly.
-Say the simple prayer of, "God I feel so far from you...please help me to draw closer to you."
-Leaning towards Austin because 1)It's closer to us and 2)We have family down there and 3)I know a pretty awesome blogger who would help me out!
-Realizing that sometimes I am deep into my "IF funk" and most things hurt more than others because well, I'm "deep into my IF funk"...which means, offering it up and realizing that there are simply some times where I am a little more fragile.
-Thanking God that I did not/do not know how long it will take for our family to grow. And knowing that I am BEYOND blessed to have the amazing man by my side supporting, encouraging and loving me during this crazy roller coaster ride...

So, tonight I am offering up all of the pain I have felt the past few days AND all the joy and laughter too...

A hairy situation

2011-11-03T18:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, so not really a "hairy situation" or whatever that phrase is suppose to mean...I just thought it was a clever title for this post-because I'm talking about my hair.

Lame?

Oh well...I tried! ;)

Anyways, I am so bored with my hair. It's just long and light blonde- thank you Garni.er Nutr.isse for helping me keep it a prettier blonde than "dishwasher blonde" or "ash blonde" as different hair stylist have said about my natural "blah" color.

I was thinking I could either put some low lights in, with the help of professionals, since it's getting colder and whatnot.

Or maybe just add layers?

But I can't add too many layers because my hair is pretty straight and slick and if I don't do it then you can tell there's layers.

I would love to add some sort of red but I don't think that would work because I blush quite easily, like when someone calls me out for something, or I am laughing, or I am crying, or I am breathing...and well, would the red just accentuate that blushing even more?! Probably so.

And no more bangs. I tried that last January and regretted them almost immediately. Like I said, I have straight, smooth hair and so the bangs just fell in my face and wouldn't stay to the side.

So, what do y'all think I should do? I am just getting bored with it and I am debating cutting it off...like shoulder length or so but then I remember this (taken from pin.terest):

...which has been EXACTLY how I have thought every.single.time I have chopped off my long locks.

So maybe not chop it off?

Or maybe yes?

Hmm...

Anyways, here's what my hair looks like now:

(I just noticed the pink sweater, pink blow dryer, pink brush?! Wow, I really am a 13 year old...) ;)

I am most definitely open to suggestions!

Also, this is random...but still in line with the whole "hair" topic...a couple weeks ago I was at Ro.ss and I found some sponge rollers (hello elementary school!!) and bought them and slept in them. This was the before and after:

I wasn't going anywhere special with those curls... I was just curious as to what they would look like now...so many years past those elementary days of white keds, colorful socks rolled down, big fluffy bangs, holiday earrings, scrunchies, etc...

:)

I had it in a pony tail before I was even dressed for the day! Not so sure how I feel about those crazy curls!

Anyways, this is a completely random post but I'm hoping for some advice on my hair...and y'all give out pretty good advice so I thought I would start with y'all! ;)

"When I was little, I would put my face close to the fan to hear my robot voice" (Taken from (total shocker here) Pin.terest)

Taking hope whenever I can.

2011-11-01T22:09:00.000-07:00

Tonight, at Mass, I had the honor of holding my sweet little nephew.

He's 5.

He literally fell asleep standing up.

I was impressed! ;)

Since I couldn't stand and hold him for too long, I sat during the second part of Mass.

And my heart swelled with love for this little man.

Then my heart starting feeling extremely hopeful that one day, I would be doing this with one of my own.

And well, that hope that I felt swelling my my heart/soul/being...well, I will take that hope whenever/wherever I can get it.

I cling to that hope.

I am grateful for that hope.

(Found on pi.nterest)

Broken down/lifted up all in one night.

2011-10-27T14:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is but this week, I have been on pins and needles and everything seems to make me cry: commercials, songs, people, quotes, happy stuff, sad stuff, scary stuff, the potential of the Rangers winning the World Series for the first time ever, getting hugs, etc...

I'm not PMSing so I'm a bit confused.

Thankfully it's not just sad tears, mostly it's tears of joy or tears or hope or tears of happiness.

I'm a pretty passionate/sensitive person to begin with but this is a little bit much, even for me.

Well, one night this week my husband and I just talking about random non-IF related stuff and laughing and enjoying just hanging out at home with one another.

Then, slowly it started turning into IF related stuff and I just broke down and said, "sometimes I feel like I have to hold back my fears, sadness and hurt from you because you seem so sure and so confident and I don't want to bring you down!"

Of course after this statement was made I broke down into a million tears...out of nowhere.

My poor dh.

He's so amazing.

I went on to tell him that I love his support and confidence but that sometimes, just sometimes it would be nice to hear that he was indeed hurting over this also.

It was a loooong conversation with lots of tears and laughter and understanding.

We are both on the same page.

In the same boat.

I ended our conversation by saying, "I just need you. You are amazing and I need you always to be there. I need your strength to help me when I am feeling scared and not so strong. I just need you."

He hugged and kissed me and we wiped our tears and headed to bed.

Then while we were in bed...seemingly ready to fall asleep after such an emotional ride, he leans over and says that he wanted me to listen to a song, a song that made him think of us. He said he wanted to play it because it expressed just how he feels, even though there are times he has trouble expressing it in words.

So, he played the song.

And I cried.

Shocking! ;)

But the song was so beautiful and such a wonderful reminder that he and I, no matter how we handled the stress and hardship, were in this boat together and that we needed one another.

I need him.

He needs me.

Man oh man am I blessed to have such an incredible, amazing, wonderful blessing...

He's the best.

Here's the lyrics to the song by the way:

Griggs Andy
"She Thinks She Needs Me"

She thinks I walk on water
She thinks I hung the moon
She tells me every morning,
"They just don’t make men like you"

She thinks I’ve got it together
She swears I’m as tough as nails
But I don’t have the heart to tell her
She don’t know me that well

She don’t know how much I need her
She don’t know I’d fall apart
Without her kiss, without her touch
Without her faithful, loving arms
She don’t know that it’s all about her
She don’t know I can’t live without her
She’s my world, she’s my everything
And she thinks she needs me

Sometimes she cries on my shoulder
When she’s lying next to me
But she don’t know that when I hold her
That she’s really holding me, holding me

She don’t know how much I need her
She don’t know I’d fall apart
Without her kiss, without her touch
Without her faithful, loving arms
She don’t know that it’s all about her
She don’t know I can’t live without her
She’s my world, she’s my everything
And she thinks she needs me

Yeah, and the funny thing is
She thinks she’s the lucky one

She don’t know how much I need her
She don’t know I’d fall apart
Without her kiss, without her touch
Without her faithful, loving arms
She don’t know that it’s all about her
She don’t know I can’t live without her
She’s my world, she’s my everything
And she thinks she needs me

Pumpkin carving fun

2011-10-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

Tonight marked the 3rd annual pumpkin carving fun with my brothers and their others.

This year, like the year before last, was with just my younger brother and SIL since we live minutes from one another.

And even though it was technically day 2 of my "get healthy" regiment...I maybe had one too many cookies my SIL brought over...and possibly had some delicious fall beer (yum-o Shin.er Oktobe.rfest!) but I did walk a couple miles today and well...all in all...

it was a great night!

Here's me and my Dh's pumpkin-anyone know what it means?! ;) If so, you ROCK! :)

I heart good times that consist of: sitting on the back porch with the twinkle white lights on, the old country music playing, the fall weather slowly creeping in, the friends that are actually your amazing family, the yummy seasonal beer flowing, the traditions continuing and the good times happening...

"Let what you love be what you do."

Day one of get healthy.

2011-10-24T11:52:00.000-07:00

Yes, today is day one, of my little "get healthy" thing. I have tried many times and failed.

In fact, a couple months ago when I was biking and doing P90X, I thought surely I would continue on and stay on a healthy path because I knew just how important it was for not only my whole self, but for my fertility as well.

But then, I stopped P90x (shocking, I know) and stopped biking and started back up with sodas, energy drinks, coffee, junk food etc.

Whatever sort of benefits I gained from that working out disappeared quickly.

I did attempt to run at one point a couple months ago, but then a dog tried to eat me and it scared me into not wanting to go out again. Okay, maybe he didn't try to eat me, but he did run up to me and bark and growl and scare the heebie jeebies out of me!

So yeah, working out was put on the back burner and I didn't care.

The thing is though, I am not just trying to get healthy physically, no, I am trying to get healthy physically AND spiritually AND mentally.

The spiritual aspect is off and on. I will say, that during prayer buddies this past time I was praying my rosary nearly every single day, and it felt amazing. I had never accomplished this before and was proud.

But then prayer buddies ended, and so did my rosary praying, a lot like my working out had disappeared also.

That was until yesterday.

I was feeling in a sort of a funk and realized it was because 1)I felt fluffy 2) I wasn't feeling confident 3) I felt like my prayer life was lacking 4) I knew I was being lazy.

My husband and I went on a 3+mile walk yesterday after lunch.

And it felt great.

Then, before bedtime, we prayed the rosary together.

And that felt great.

Then, we did something we haven't done in years.

He read his book and I read my book in bed...no tv last night.

And that felt great.

So, yes...I'm working on getting healthier because I know that I NEED to be healthier. My emotions and confidence have been going SOO HIGH and then SOO LOW lately that I knew that I needed to change.

And so I am.

Here goes to being physically healthier, spiritually healthier and mentally healthier!

Now...time to go stretch because my whole "walk a mile run a mile" thing I just did is making my legs feel like I ran 5 miles! ;)

"Believe you can and your halfway there."

Top three chores I dont like

2011-10-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

1) Laundry
2) Mopping
3) showers or bathtubs...I'd rather clean a toilet!
And even though I only asked for three...my last one doesn't really count because I never really clean them, but it's still a contender! ;)
-Cleaning the fans

What about you?

Ps. GOOOOOO RANGERS!!

CD1: But feeling closer to God than ever

2011-10-19T10:02:00.000-07:00

This cycle has been SO wonky and unpredictable. First off, my alleged ovulation occurred about a week after it should have ideally (ha, whatever that means) and then I had the loooongest cycle I have had in longer than I can remember, 38 days.

I woke up this morning, rather early, for a restroom trip and realized that I had started. My usual feeling/emotion/reaction is sadness, my soul feeling crushed, my body feeling defeated yet again. I usually fall instantly into a deep shadow of sadness and bitterness.

But today, I was thankful that my period was there and on it's own. I was thankful that my husband and I were able to "start over" and try again with this brand new cycle. I was thankful for my husband and his support.

These feelings are not what I normally feel and as I went to crawl back into bed all I could think about was how close I felt to God at that very moment. How even though I had completed the Saint Gerard Novena without a pregnancy occurring or that even though I pray every day for the intercessory prayers from Blessed John Paul, our former amazing beautiful Pope, and still have yet to experience a BFP, I felt their prayers.

And then, still feeling rather half out of it from the sleep, thoughts of my Grandpa came rushing over me. I felt a sense of peace and comfort from him. I thanked God at that very moment for him, because I know he's in heaven and he is praying for each of the family members. And I especially felt his prayers today, this CD1, oddly enough.

AND then...a flood of tears came rushing through my half opened eyes and foggy mind.

Today, is the 2 year anniversary of my grandpa's death. It was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced in my life. I've mentioned it before but I'll say it again, he wasn't just my Gp, he was the man that raised my brothers and I, because his own son decided not to be a parent when we were very young. It was like losing a Gp and a father that day. I will never forget the emotions and the daze that followed that horrible day. There are some days that it feels like it could have never happened and that we'll see him soon and then again there are days that feel like it has just dragged by.

Of all days for this CD1 to fall on, really late in my cycle, after novenas and prayers...it falls on this anniversary and I couldn't feel like it was meant to happen that way. I feel so much strength, courage, peace, hope and happiness-something rarely (if ever) felt on the first day of my cycle.

I know that my Gp is up there praying for us and interceding for us and that brings me so much joy.

The feeling that I am feeling in regards to my Gp, the saints and those passed is overwhelming and such a beautiful reminder that the power of prayer is real and is there.

I should be falling apart and feeling depressed at this moment-the moment where I am still reading those pregnancy announcements, that extra room is not a nursery, where my cramps are screaming to me, "NOT pregnant again!" and another cycle has come and gone without our miracle occurring...but instead I am JOYFUL, HOPEFUL and TRUSTING in our Lord.

Timing is everything you guys, and today is another example of that.

I'm so thankful for all the prayers!!

Prayer is POWERFUL.

Speaking of prayers...I wanted to add that we have another person joining us on The Island. I've mentioned her once or so before and she is an amazing and faithful woman. She is married to my baby brother (I'm lucky to call her sister!) and they have been struggling to conceive for awhile now. I have encouraged her to join this amazing community of bloggers because I just know that the power of prayer has a lot to do with 1)the number of those that have been able to leave this crummy IF island and 2)the strength in the waiting for those still on this island. It's a bittersweet feeling that she is joining this community but I just know that good things will come from this for her! So, if y'all wouldn't mind...please go and give One Joyful Day the warm welcome she deserves! You ladies are great!

Prayer is powerful!

It really is, I mean I'm actually smiling and hopeful on this CD1.

And it most certainly has nothing to do with me being that strong of a woman-nope, it has to do with some pretty amazing people praying for me.

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." (Eskimo Proverb quotes)

Hot flashes, long cycles, the game plan and a thanks.

2011-10-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is but it seems that during the second half of my cycle I get hot flashes on and off. It's almost as if I'm taking clomid again even though I am not. Anybody have any clues as to what the heck this may mean?! I was going to goo.gle but when I went to search I freaked out because I was worried something else may be wrong and I just wasn't so sure I could take it. So, any idea ladies?!

Now not only am I worrying about these hot flashes I am also worrying about loooong cycles. Before my wedge resection surgery last July, my periods were all over the place...sometimes they wouldn't come for months-just another joy of PCOS. Well, thankfully immediately following the surgery my periods were normal...28-30 days...so very predictable. I have noticed in the last couple months they have gone as long as 32 days even. Well, this month I am at CD37 and freaking out because I don't want my body reverting back to pre-surgery crumminess. Does this happen? Does the surgery lose effect after so long? I did test a couple days ago, thinking this would bring on CD1 because that's what usually happens, but no just got a BFN and here I am still waiting. I will say, I did jot down on my phone that I was still seeing some ok mucus on the 3rd, so it's possible that I'm (allegedly-grr PCOS) ovulating later than normal...which would mean I'm right on track to start any day. I just want my period to start already because freaking out that my body is just reverting back to it's old ways...

And seeing as this freaks me out, my dh and I have decided to start back with the doctor's visits and with being a bit more aggressive with this TCC. We are coming up on 4 years and I really want to be doing something proactive before that time rolls around. My first thing, I'm going to call up the local NAPRO doctor in our area and schedule an appointment. I need my regular woman's checkup and also am hoping he knows something about fertility stuff. Either way, I just want to meet with him because we are going to start charting back up SO THAT we can hopefully start working with Doctor H in Omaha. I haven't even "gotten on the waiting list" or whatever it is...I just remember lots of you guys mentioning that I need to three months of charting first and that there's a long wait, so that's why I'm going to start charting now. So yeah, that's our game plan. I feel good about starting (again) and hopes that maybe this time I'll be seeing more than just BFNs.

Okay- and lastly, I just had to say thank you for all of the sweet comments for my last post. It was the craziest thing, I was messing on FB and saw 3 more preggo announcements and my heart just felt so alone. That's what prompted the post because I knew that even though, at that very moment I felt alone, I was not. I am so thankful for each and everyone of y'all and love the new people coming out and commenting. Thank yall!!

So, in a nutshell:
-Why these hot flashes?
-Why this long cycle?
-Charting and Dr. H advice
-THANK YOU!

Hope you all have had a great weekend and an even better week!!

"Just because today is a terrible day doesn't mean tomorrow won't be the best day of your life. You just have to get there."(Found on my addiction-Pinterest)

I am not the only woman.

2011-10-14T20:06:00.000-07:00

I am not the only woman who feels in her heart of hearts that she is called to be a mommy even though she cannot choose when that moment may be.

I am not the only one whose heart melts with excitement seeing her husband holding a baby and at the same time it breaks because she never imagined the wait and not knowing would hurt this badly.

I am not the only woman who counts every.single.day of her cycle even though she prays of the day that she "suddenly" realizes she is late and pregnant.

I am not the only woman whose chest feels like a massive weight is placed upon it when she reads another pregnancy announcement on facebook...or from a family member...or from a friend...or from anyone really.

I am not the only woman who has to fake it when someone asks "how are you?" or "when are y'all going to have children?"

I am not the only woman whose soul feels crushed when another CD1 rolls around and you have to tell your sweet, supportive husband, "not this month."

I am not the only woman who has had to take medications that give her hot flashes like a menopausal woman, or who has had to take shots and pills to hopefully make things "normal."

I am not the only woman who has had to have a surgery exploring her lady parts and then having to spend weeks recovering.

I am not the only woman who looks at that extra bedroom dubbed, "the one day nursery" and has to try everything in her power to hold back tears because it is not yet the nursery.

I am not the only woman who, upon hearing a pregnancy announcement goes, "were they trying? how long? were they not trying? how old are they? how long have they been married?"

No, I am not the only person who feels she is not living what she knows she is and has been called to be...a mother.

But some days, I certainly feel like it...

Praying for strength in the waiting.

Hair twiddler and not thinking about what cycle day I am on...

2011-10-12T20:20:00.000-07:00

Twiddling my hair.
I have done this since I was a little girl.

I do it when I am calm.
I do it while driving.
While talking to friends.
And especially when I'm nervous.

Normally, I don't even realize that I am doing it-that is unless someone points it out. But tonight, during the Rangers' game (oh my goodness...11 innings, Napoli scoring and then Cruz hitting another homer!!!!), well, during a commercial break, I went to use the restroom and laughed at the sight that I saw when I looked in the mirror. My somewhat perfectly placed bun-that had started on the top of my head, looked like this:

Lol-I'm such a mess!! I guess that long string of hair sticking down is what I managed to work out of my bun so that I could twiddle my hair. ;)

Other than the Ranger's leaving me sitting on the edge of my seat during these games, I've been trying to not think about what cycle day I am on. And really, I've been doing a good job and haven't thought about it too much until today. I guess since we're taking a break from docs and meds, the hope isn't as loud as if I were being monitored with sonograms and taking meds to help. But still...today, while not thinking about what cycle day I was on I realized that CD1 should be here any moment. And most of us all know that feeling, right before CD1 appears...the moment where even though it's never gone the other way before...here you are and thinking it could possibly go either way because well...we are always OPEN to trying.

Yeah, so this is me not thinking about what CD I am on. Geez, I just wish my period would happen without me realizing that this is when it is suppose to come.

"Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down." (Charles F. Kettering)

My biggest blessing

2011-10-10T11:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we had a joint birthday party for my dh and I at his parents' house. It was awesome having both my family and his family there. We both left feeling very, very blessed.

The quote of the day was when my MIL was talking about how wonderful my dh is and how God put him and I together and well...my nephew goes:

"What if Aunt FMTP never married Uncle Awesome?!" WHAT if she married Dion Sanders?!?!"

We all just laughed! :)

Anyways, today is my DH's actual birthday and he is truly my biggest blessing. I thank God everyday for him and his love and devotion.

So blessed.

I'm going out with my boots on

2011-10-08T14:48:00.001-07:00

Heading to the Tay.lor Swift concert at Cowboy's stadium tonight with my MIL, two of my SILs and my sweet niece...

But not without keeping close tabs on THE RANGERS! Yes, I did paint my nails with this on it:

GO RANGERS!!!!!!!

Picture post: Fall addition

2011-10-07T22:23:00.000-07:00

I love Fall so much.
The cooler weather.
The changing of the leaves.
The anticipation of the holidays.

So, in preparation for this new fall weather (ie: NOT 100 degrees out), I finally decorated around the house. I will say, after I decorated around the house the other day, it was still a bit warmer than I would have liked so I pumped the ac down to about 70 and lit my fall candles and snuggled under a blanket as I pretended it was chilly out.

Here's some of the decorations around our home:
I revamped this little section of our bar by adding fall ribbon to the lamp and some other little fall decorations (umm...how many times can I say, "fall" in this post?!):

Here's our mantel:

I love this a lot. I finally was able to use some of those thrift store mason jars that I have been collecting. I replaced the three big pillar candles that normally sit on our coffee table with these:

Somehow, our front door wreath managed to not get damaged while it was packed away...I made this last year:

And here I replaced my "summer" decorations on my homemade coffee filter wreath with some fall stuff I used last year:

And although this has nothing to do with fall and more to do with my love of thrifting and revamping things on a bargain, here's a .99 cent sheet I found at the good ol' thrift store and put up as curtains to replace the old dark ones we had in the living room:

And the final photo...the random one of the bunch, because it wouldn't be a real picture post without at least one random photo! ;) Here's what happens if you get a spray tan but don't pull down the little booties you are suppose to wear:

The end and goodnight! :)

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns." (George Eliot)

I'm alive...

2011-10-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

I've just been busy!

Best birthday weekend and then day and now week! :) My husband has been amazing! I plan on doing a picture post of all the festivities soon.

Also, although I have already emailed her...I wanted to mention to the world (the blogging world that is!) that I had the privilege of praying for Jeremiah...and for the second time! I told her that God must really want me to keep her and her beautiful family in my prayers!

The amazing thing about prayer buddies this time was that I had a strong calling to pray my rosary for Jeremiah and all her intentions. The thing that was different for me was that I do not pray the rosary but once a week but here I was feeling a strong calling to pray the rosary every.single.day. So, not only did I have the honor of praying for her, she also helped me with my prayer life! I did miss a few days, but that's it...I am hoping to keep praying my rosary as much as possible because I really feel like it helped to keep me anchored. So, Jeremiah...thank you! You helped me without even knowing it.

I also wanted to say a big THANK YOU to HE adopted me first for praying for me! Thank you!! I am still in awe that someone who has never met me before is willing to offer up prayers for me. So beautiful. AND, I received my bracelets in the mail today...you are too sweet, thank you!!!

Anyways, this post is going to have to end with this because I'm in the middle of making 50+ invites for my in-laws 40th anniversary celebration, and a list of other things...

I've felt so beyond blessed lately, even in the midst of all the busyness, and am so grateful for each and every blessing in my life...no matter how big or how small.

"Enjoy this moment. For this moment is your life."

Yeah, I bought this...

2011-09-27T20:10:00.000-07:00

Here was my thinking in the store:
"I so cannot buy this pink mace...I'm not a 13 year old girl...but pink just makes me happy and if it's going to make me happy when I start my running up again, the why not? I can't buy this, I need to be practical and just buy the army green kind like an adult would do...but then again, it is the same price...well, actually holding it in my hand the pink will actually blend in more, so really, it's the logical choice."

When I got home my husband just laughed at me and said, "you would." ;)

I bought it because I've been wanting to start running again and thankfully the weather is slowly getting cooler. I say this, although it does call for a 98 as the high on Friday...but whatever.

My dh and I attempted P90.X for a couple weeks but unfortunately got burnt out on that and although I was biking, the heat was just too much.

So in comes the running. I want to start back again because 1)It'll make me healthier 2)I'll lose some of the fluff around my midsection 3) I know losing weight will help increase fertility-at least that's what the doctors say and 4)It just makes me feel better.

I would have started running last week but for some crazy reason, I've been thinking of all that bad (people or crazy dogs) that could get me...even though I would never run at night. It's weird, the older I get the more I am paranoid (sorta kinda) and it's not that much fun.

Part of it could be the since my husband is a police officer is the not so great part of town, I hear some crazy stories.

Yeah, that probably plays into my dramatic crazy thoughts...

Anyways, the cooler weather is calling for me to get off my tush and run so I bought the mace to help me relax a bit.

Speaking of cooler weather, it's still in the 90+ here, but I am so ready for Fall. In fact I still have an awesome scent fall candle burning and today I had my husband pull down the fall decorations from the attic. Tomorrow, with cooler weather or not, I'm transforming our home into a Fall oasis! ;)

Anyways, I can't believe that I've devoted an entire post to weather, mace and running...boring. Moving on...

"Let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us." (Hebrews 12:1)

Finally.

2011-09-26T09:56:00.001-07:00

I'm seriously amazed that I am just now-CD15, feeling fine.

I mean, like no more anxiety.
No more feeling left out.
No more feeling that lack of hope.
No more feeling overwhelmed.
No more feeling like I have that heavy heart that has been following me since CD1.

Phew.
It feels so good.

Feelings of blessed, hopeful, happy and trusting have creeped back into my soul and I'm grateful for that.

This weekend was a busy one...lots of family fun mixed with some Ranger fun (they clinched AL west title!).

Being with family and friends throughout this weekend-especially when my husband was working-has probably played into why my soul and heart have mended.

I got a lot of snuggles with my sweet nephew because my brother and SIL came up to visit for the weekend. AWESOME surprise I found out about on Thursday.

You see, with them in town it means that my Gm's house was busting with people-cousins, brothers, aunts, little man...good times.

Then we had a birthday celebration for my dh's side of the family-one niece, a SIL and BIL.

We have had so many birthday parties in September and now coming up on October. We like to say that parents really had a good time around Christmas and New Year's. ;)

Here's hoping that my DH and I can have a really good time this holiday season! ;)

Yeah, that hope is still there like I mentioned above.

I'm so glad it's back.

I will say, that I started the St. Therese novena, along with many other bloggers, and seeing as I have a special connection (I chose her as my confirmation sponsor, her feast day is the day before my birthday, she's helped me in many situations) with St. Therese, it's not that surprising that since starting the novena I have felt so much better. (Thank you JBTC for mentioning this particular novena-it's beautiful!)

I also wanted to say thank you so much for the comments last post. Part of me was nervous to share because well, that's not something a lot of people know about (just the near and dear ones). BUT, I realized it really does play a big part in why I am who I am and why I want what I want and so I am glad that I shared. So, thank you for the feedback!

And now, ending on something completely random (because why not) I laughed out loud when I was typing in the Yah.oo search bar, "how to insert a link..." into blogger and well, the things that Yah.oo predicted I was trying to search for were the following:

Happy Monday y'all!

"Hope is the soul of the dreamer
And heaven is the home of my God
It only takes on true believer
To believe you can still beat the odds..." (Lady Antebellum, "Heart of the World")

My (not so much of a mom at all) mom.

2011-09-22T17:56:00.001-07:00

I realized that I have never spoken about my mother. I've spoken about my desire to be a mother but never about my actual mom. I really think that my strong desire to be a mother not only lies in the fact that I feel in my heart of hearts that this is the vocation I'm called to be, but also because well...she wasn't such a great one and so I have quite a strong desire to be (hopefully) a great one.

My mom wasn't the average mom. Well, she wasn't a mom at all really...

She made me sleep in the bathroom because I would wet the bed when I was younger.
I never knew what it was liked to be hugged or kissed on from my mom.
She liked to hit and say some not so great things.
She preferred drugs over me and my two brothers.
She liked to have boyfriends, outside of her husband (my father).
She didn't care if her three young children were in compromising situations with these so called boyfriends.
She liked to lie.
She didn't care if we saw fights occur between her and whomever she was upset with.
Basically...she just wasn't the best of persons.

The only somewhat decent memory I have of her is that she curled my hair for my aunt's wedding, in which I had the honor of being the flower girl. But that's basically it.

You see, my father came from an amazing background and family (the family that ended up raising my brothers and I) but for some reason he fell head over heels in love with my mother, who was from a not as great background, and got married.

Shortly after they were married, she had my brother. And then when my brother was 5 months old, she got pregnant with me. Then when I was only 6 months old, she got pregnant with my little brother. Then she tied her tubes.

She was really good at having babies. Just not so great at being a mother to those babies.

That's one thing that hurts me sometimes...looking at my mother and all that she didn't do for us or give us and I see that I didn't even get her fertility. Sure, I know she wasn't responsible for giving that part of her...but still...it's just another thing.

She did give me life, though, and for that I will be forever grateful towards her. I would say that's it but she and my father (who is another story for another blog post-a few more pleasant memories there) did ultimately decide to send us to live with my grandparents (his parents) and that's the other thing that I'm thankful for.

Life and life with my grandparents...two things she did right. I can only imagine where my life would be right now had I (and my brothers) stayed with my parents...

I wouldn't have my faith and trust in the Lord.
I wouldn't have this amazing man by side.
I wouldn't know what it's like to love and be loved.

Looking back, I still hurt over so much of the stuff that I experienced in my early part of life, but know that I am who I am because of everything that has occurred in my life.

My mother, through her lack of being a mom, taught me what kind of mom I want to be. The desire has been there since I was a young child-just ask my grandma and anyone who has known me.

I can't wait to be a mother and love and smother my little ones with kisses and hugs and love out the wazoo. My husband and I joke that when this little one(s) is finally here they will probably get annoyed at all the love! ;)

Moms are very important people and unfortunately my mother wasn't such a great one but one day, I look forward to being the best mom I can be.

The mom I feel I am called to be...

“To overcome difficulties is to experience the full delight of existence.” (Arthur Schopenhauer)

It helps

2011-09-21T21:45:00.001-07:00

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm doing a lot better.

However, there are still times where I feel like I'm still healing from yet another CD1.

So, a little something that helps when I'm feeling down (aside from crafting or one on one time with my dh) is this:

Delicious red wine and a fall scented candle (even though it's still getting up to 90+ here)...

The end. :)

The anniversary of freaking life

2011-09-19T23:18:00.001-07:00

I wasn't quite in the mood to write today-but then I realized that I still had the not so happy post still up at the top and I don't like that much.

So, I'm writing.

Things are getting better. I'm starting to feel better although there have been a few moments where I was just sad, BUT...thankfully, they aren't really happening that often!

Phew.

Thank goodness...I don't like being down.

I just wanted to say thank you so much for the prayers-I can say that I truly know that they work because 1)I'm feeling better and 2)prayers a powerful thing!

I'll end by explaining my title for this post (sorry for the randomness-like I said, I wanted to get rid of the downer post at the top and well...this is what happen when I go blindly into posting!). You see, I was visiting my Gm earlier tonight with my dh and I was telling her about upcoming plans.

I told her we were going to hear Dave Ramsey speak on October 1 (he's awesome..teaches people how to get out of debt using a snow ball effect, and he's Christian and well, just awesome) because my BIL bought us tickets. I then told her that he mentioned that since the 2nd is my birthday (wahoo, I LOVE birthdays!!) that we should probably go out and celebrate on the 30th of September because well, after going to the seminar we aren't going to want to spend money...

My Gm then laughed and told me that I was crazy to get excited about birthdays and then mentioned something about not celebrating that much or something about every 5 years or so.

I told her, "Umm...birthdays are the anniversary of freaking life!" Not, my quote, but a quote stolen from Kelle Hampton and I couldn't agree more. :)

So, if you are wondering what I am looking forward to, it's that in 2 weeks from yesterday, it will be my birthday. And even though there are times I look and think about where I thought I would be by now...I'm grateful for all that I do have and I am not going to let some "what could have would have should have beens" ruin my birthday.

I'm truly a blessed woman-even in the middle of the not so great days.

"Birthdays...celebrate them. Plain and simple. Whether you are 2 or 42. It's not a promotion. It's not a graduation. It's the anniversary of freaking life!" (Kelle Hampton-Enjoying the Small Things).

Heavy heart

2011-09-15T10:06:00.000-07:00

I don't even know why I've been feeling so blue because honestly this past month I was at such peace and felt so much hope (maybe not ever for that cycle necessarily, but in general) and was just plain happy relaxing and enjoying every single moment of me and my dh's "off month."

Then this cycle hit and my hormones have just gotten the best of me this week. I have had too many melt downs-wet tears, broken heart, sad soul.

A heavy heart.

There have been so many amazing blogger pregnancy announcements and I am beyond thrilled for these wonderful women!!
I have kept each one in my prayers that things go well and smoothly. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of anxiety it can bring on but I'm going to keep praying for them!

Those announcements actually help to peace back my broken heart.

But then, like I mentioned before-CD1 came with 3 other preggo announcements from people that don't have to try. And it was their second one.

And you see, that seemed to shatter everything again. It's so odd to me that any other day of my cycle I am pretty good and can handle it and even possibly be excited for them-but it always seems to coincide with wacky hormones and PMS.

I actually got another announcement the other day-a dear friend who her and and her husband were "going off birth control and going to have a baby!" And of course, a few short months later I get this text:

Me and the hubs are having a baby due in April. It was hard for me to tell you because I know that y'all want a baby and have been trying so hard.

I, already feeling emotionally, broken saw that text and all i could think of was, "thank God that this is a text and she didn't call me" because I never could have faked excitement like I did in my text back to her:

Oh my goodness...that is so wonderful!!! I'm so happy for you guys!

Boo for the timing of this text. Yay for it being a text.

I am hoping and praying that I get out of this funk soon. I'm ready to not be in tears anymore.

I'm ready for this rock weighing on my chest, that I call anxiety, to be lifted.

I'm ready to smile and laugh and mean it and not just doing it because I don't want my husband to see me sad for yet another day.

I am stronger than I think-I think.

I don't give up and sometimes that's all that I can do...through the pain and uneasiness, I don't give up and that's got to count for something, right?

I sure hope so.

I have my "don't let comparison steal your joy" sign in my closet so every morning that I get dressed I see it and it does help. Comparison definitely is a sneaky little brat and loves to steal that joy. But I'm not going to let it...even if that means I have to remind myself this about 5 million times a day.

Praying that this funk blows over sooner than later...

Lastly, I wanted to say THANK YOU THANK YOU for all the prayers and kind words for my friend's who lost their baby. We will never know why God decided to take him when he did but my friend has said that prayers have helped her and her family find peace and strength throughout all of this. The power of prayer is truly amazing. Thank you so much for that.

"When life gets more than you can stand...kneel."

Please pray **Edited

2011-09-13T17:12:00.000-07:00

A few posts back I mentioned that my dear friend and her husband had experienced a miracle-the healing of their baby in her womb.

Sadly, yesterday at a sonogram, they found out that the baby had passed away.

They are at the hospital now, being induced.

Please pray for them.

**I found out that their beautiful son was born at 12:07, Sept.14. His umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck.

From going to no hope with intestines outside of the body and all the cysts on this poor baby... to going to full hope with the miracle of not one thing wrong him...to now this...

My heart aches for this family. Please continue to pray.

Oh the timing...

2011-09-12T14:08:00.000-07:00

How is it that CD1 (yesterday) happens when there are 3 new announcements, of former classmates of mine, stating that #2 is on the way?

Geez Louise.

And, because I'm still working on "not letting comparison steal my joy" I'm moving on from that and trying to forget all about it.

I will not let comparison steal my joy.
I will not.
No sirree.

Being hormonal shouldn't coincide with periods-it seems cruel to me that the two go hand in hand. Especially if it's mixed with the struggle to conceive.

I mean, this is the time of the month where I need to be my strongest. Where I hold on to hope and trust and faith. Not the time of month where I am susceptible to breaking down into a blubbering idiot at any given time.

Seriously, I mean yesterday we went to the ball game and as we were singing the National Anthem at the beginning of the game I started tearing up and had goosebumps all over.

I didn't really expect to cry at the ball game.

Thankfully my sunglasses hid the tears.

Prayer buddy, if you are reading this-would you mind offering up a prayer or two for me...specifically that I find strength during the start of another cycle?

Thanks in advanced.

Blessed JP, intercede for us.

Remembering

2011-09-11T20:13:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that it's been 10 years since those terrible moments occurred. I'll never forgot where I was or what I was doing when we got the news...

I was a senior in high school and had just finished showering after cross country. I was standing in the locker room curling one of the freshman girls hair when an announcement blared over the intercom.

I got chills throughout my entire body and tears instantly filled my eyes.

I will never forgot that day.
Those lives lost.
The way Americans came together that day.

There were so many lives lost not only that day but also in the years following because of all those that sacrificed to fight and defend America.

My dh joined the Marines shortly after day like so many other men.

So today, I remember.
I pray for all those whose lives were forever changed that day.
I pray for the families of those lost that day.
I pray for all our troops, police officers and fire fighters who responded and fought that day-and still today.

I will never forget.

Happy Friday

2011-09-09T08:19:00.000-07:00

I'm so creative when it comes to my titles...aren't I?! ;)

I love the feedback about my friend's amazing story about her little miracle baby. It's so beautiful to see things like this happen in life because sometimes we get so caught up in going through the motions of life and thinking all "realistically" and "logically" or even too much with our hearts, that we forget that God is a powerful God and he's capable of miracles. We just need to believe.

Anyways, for this "Happy Friday" post I wanted to dump off the pictures from my phone (I got the idea of the phone dump from Kelle Hampton @ Enjoying the Small things)of the crafts that I have done this past week, and a little of last week also!

So here's some of the crafts I've been working on. Remember, crafting for me is sort of like a drug-but a good one, not a bad one that causes bad things to happen but the good kind that makes you feel good...oh good grief, never mind ;)-it's something I REALLY enjoy doing and it's my one escape from the IF roller coaster!

Here's a few of things:
First off, a couple weekends ago I was heading to a baby shower for a friend and even though I was a little nervous about going, I decided I would make part of her gift and really, that helped me so much because it got my mind off of why I was nervous!

I had an old picture frame that I covered with scrap book paper and modpodge. I had already bought the little accessories a few days earlier (not shown in the picture are the stinkin' cute sunglasses). All in all she loved it!

Next I wanted to make an ornament for a friend who got engaged last month:

Looking back I should have probably used my stamps to stamp out the "our engagement" because that would have looked a bit better, but it's all good...I just wanted to send her a little something and this worked.

Last night, I finally got around to making my own sign:

All in all I really like how it turned out. I just used a cheap-o canvas and painted it, mod podged some scrap book paper on that front (I LOVE scrap book paper!) and then stamped out the quote.
For the "Joy" part I couldn't find scrap book paper that I had on hand, so I dug out an old paint paper sample thing:

:) The "joy" needed to be yellow in my opinion!

And lastly, this little craft was fun and easy and cheap way to make bright canvas shoes. I am showing the steps because I told Grace in my Heart I would show her! :)
First I started with some cheap-0 white canvas shoes I found at the thrift store. I don't worry, they will be washed and even rinsed in the boiling water with the dye:

Next I boiled water, once it started boiling I turned it down and placed the fun color, "sunshine," that I picked out for my new shoes:

But then I freaked out because when I poured the dye in it turned ORANGE...and I did not want orange shoes:

But the second I put the shoes in I saw they were definitely "sunshine" color and not orange. Phew,

I waited for about 45 minutes to soak and then I rinsed them under the faucet with cold water, then washed them in the washing machine with cold water and let air dry. Here's the finished product:

I do love them-they're quite comfortable and so cute! I've gotten quite a few compliments on them and when I say that I go just re-dyed some old shoes, people were impressed, although it's not too hard! ;)

Ok, so that's probably enough crafts to share for one day! :) Hope y'all have a wonderful weekend! I'm heading the the Rangers game on Sunday and it's not going to be over 100...good times! :)

"What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?"

Second post in one day: my sweet friend's story

2011-09-07T17:34:00.001-07:00

One of my friends and her husband have 4 beautiful and healthy children. Their youngest is me and my husband's godson-he's 2 and will be 3 in Nov. Her husband has unfortunately gone through some hardships when it comes to jobs and has been let go and laid off quite a bit in the last few years. Each time they financially struggled, somehow, someway God has come through for them (ie: anonymous donors, etc).

Well about a month ago, they received an eviction notice from their landlord because they were late paying rent yet again. A few short days later they found out they were pregnant. They were quite surprised and honestly confused and upset with God's timing.

Some time after that they finally felt at peace with the pregnancy and thanked God for the miracle that she was carrying.

Shortly after being at peace with the pregnancy they went in for the sonogram.

She was 10 weeks.

Almost instantly they could see something wrong with the baby.

There were cyst on both sides of the baby's belly. He had a large cyst growing and applying pressure to his spine. His spine didn't appear to be growing properly. There was a cyst on the baby's head. His intestines were outside of his body.

They were devastated by this, as anyone would be.

Some doctor's recommend people aborting because a lot of the times the cysts will grow so large they can cause a lot of damage not only to the baby but also the mom.

They couldn't understand any of this but trusted God and trusted that good would come from their suffering.

Well, this past weekend I was visiting with her and she showed my the sonogram pictures from that sonogram and my heart broke for them. It was quite obvious there something wrong when I was looking at the pictures, and I am no professional. I had tears in my eyes as she described and showed me all that was wrong with this poor baby.

She was so sweet and had said that the pain and suffering she was experiencing she was offering up for my dh and I, because she knew that we had been trying for so long. I was of course beyond grateful and told her we were praying for her also.

Fast forward to today.

She and her husband were heading to see a specialist for another sonogram and were anticipating the potential of the baby not even being alive. They went to the appointment and when the person doing the sonogram began they were in shock...

There was not one thing wrong with this beautiful baby.

Not one.

All the cyst has disappeared and the organs were growing where they should be-inside of the baby.

They had a few others come in to verify and double check but they first person was correct...this baby was completely healthy.

They said, "you can look at it like there was never anything wrong with this baby or that a miracle has just occurred."

Of course we know it was a miracle.

My heart is leaping for joy for my friend and her sweet family. God is so good and he does work miracles. This is the perfect example of having faith and trusting in Him.

God works miracles each and everyday.

Miracles....you know the things that occur where there is no other human explanation for?! Yeah...miracles.

Miracles!!

So tonight, as I offer up prayers of thanksgiving for my sweet friend and this beautiful baby, I am always continuing to pray for miracles for each and everyone still waiting.

I trust our Lord. I trust that our miracle will come and I will never give up hope and faith while I am waiting.

Blessed John Paul, pray for us!

Where hope grows, miracles blossom. (Elna Rae)

Next steps...starting with charting again.

2011-09-07T10:10:00.000-07:00

Like I mentioned in my last blog post I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at where to start on this journey with Dr. H...but from y'all's advice (THANK YOU BY THE WAY!!!!) I'm seeing that I need to start charting again. I haven't charted in at least a year and prior to that I was charting consistently, so I'm sure it will take some get used to again.

First things first, I went and found an NFP doctor since my old NFP doctor moved last year. I found one not too far (yippee!) so would I need to contact them about getting new charts? I guess that's the first thing I want to do is get a few months of charting behind while I wait to hear back from Dr. H...but I can't remember for the life of me where I got them last time aside from my old doctor's office, who like I mentioned moved.

I do like the idea of charting again, it's never a bad thing, and since we still wanted to take a few months off, this would be perfect because it would mean still no doctor's appointments or medicines out the wazoo.

I really do appreciate everyone's advice-that's one thing I do love about this blogging community aside from so many other things. You see, when I have something IF related I go and goo.gle and then about a bajillion million things pop up and basically I drown in all the information. Here, I can ask a question and everyone speaks from personal experience and offers their advice and it's so much easier to follow than doctor goog.le.

I will say on a random note-it's been so weird not going in to get my CD22 blood drawn to check my progesterone. Part of me wishes I was still doing that because I'm curious what my body is doing without meds, but then the other part of me quickly squashes that and remembers that pain of getting poked and then having to wait many days to even get the results (usually after AF has arrived) so I guess I don't miss it too much.

I haven't started yet-this is the part of the month that I dread really. First off, the 2ww takes forever whether you were taking meds or not-because for us we are always trying even if we aren't seeing a doctor/taking meds (one can hope and dream for a "surprise" pregnancy, right?!). Secondly, right before your period arrives you feel emotional, bloated, and crampy yet AF never arrives right when the symptoms do-nope, she wants you to wait more because 2 weeks is never enough.

Anyways, so for now I'm:
-Waiting for AF to arrive
-Doing research on that NFP doctor I found near by.
-Hoping to find out where to get charts so I can start charting again.
-Continuing to pray that God will show me if Dr. H is where He wants me to take this next step in our journey to growing our family.

All in all...I'm doing lots of research right now-but not going too crazy because we are still taking it easy for a few months.

Here's praying that God will show me just what I need to be doing next on this crazy roller coaster ride...

"Having a dream you don't pursue is like buying an ice cream cone and watching it melt all over your hand."

As another cycle inches closer

2011-09-06T09:37:00.000-07:00

I started feeling crampy yesterday and my emotions have been going a little bonkers (I mean, I get annoyed watching Todd.lers and Tia.ras yet a couple nights ago when one of the crazy moms started crying because her spraytannedfaketeethfakenailsfakehairredbulldrinking3yearold won...I cried too) so I know that my period is going to be here any day now.

With that in mind, I've decided to start researching Dr. Hilgers because even though we are currently taking a few months off from meds and doctors, I think that when we start back up I want to pursue seeing him.

But like I said, as of now, I'm just researching. I'm not going to lie, it seems a bit overwhelming-any advice?!

Anyways, this post is short and sweet, I really don't have that much to say (shocking, I know!) but will end with saying that OMG...the weather here only got up to 88 yesterday!!! Last week we were never seeing under 100 and this week we are getting a sneak peek of fall...boy am I excited!!

Hope everyone is doing well!! How very exciting that we've had some preggo announcements in our little blogging community!!! Here's hoping and praying for a LOT more!!!

Blessed John Paul, pray for us!!

Happy Sunday, y'all

2011-09-04T12:01:00.001-07:00

(Source: http://pinterest.com/pin/164912515/)

"You are loved more than you will ever know by someone who died to know you." Romans 5:8

Advice needed: male fertility issues

2011-08-29T14:30:00.001-07:00

Today I heard from a dear friend- him and his wife have been trying to conceive for a bit now. She has issues, low progesterone and possible non-ovulation, but thankfully Clomid seems to be doing the trick for her. Well, they finally did a sem.en analysis and got the results back: He was told he has morphology issues and concentration issues. Obviously they are both feeling rather down right now because this yet another thing.

So, I was wondering if any of your husbands or even known someone with these things. I knew I had read something on some blogs at one point (wow-that's a very specific! ;)) but can't recall which ones. So help me out if you can.

Also, I was wondering since they did the SA the Catholic way-pricked condom-could maybe that play a factor in the concentration part? Just curious.

Anyways, if you guys have any advice that would be greatly appreciated. And if you don't, well if you don't mind offering up a prayer for them, that would be greatly appreciated also.

Thanks in advanced.

Fortune Cookie

2011-08-28T18:13:00.001-07:00

So, I may or may not have cried (happy tears) when I saw this. Just saying...

That quick how-to for those fun spiral/wave curls

2011-08-26T19:48:00.000-07:00

Okay guys. First thing is first...I am no professional. Shocking, but it's true. Secondly, I've tried many different types of curls and this one is my favorite so far! Here's the how-to:

First you are going to grab a small section of hair. Then if you are have been doing P90.x or any other workout and see that you have a line (which is practically a muscle) in your arm, you snap that picture because you are proud! ;)

Next you will need to grab your styling tool...the nifty curling iron. I used a 1.5 inch one, I think (see...I'm not a professional or else I would have known that!).

Then I like to start an inch or two from the scalp.

Then start to wrap the hair, starting from the middle and working down.

And continue to wrap until it gets to the end of your hair. I usually hold the hair at the end like the picture and keep the curling iron thing pressed up off the hair (does that make sense?!) because for me it would always leave a random crease in my hair so I'd rather just hold it open. Side note: If you noticed that the angle of the camera changed or even that I'm curling a different piece, well then bravo! I had my husband snap this one real quick when he woke up-a few hours after the others. ;)

Then I like to angel the curling iron down so that the curl will fall off without any hesitation...

Like so!

Your curls should look like this!

Keep going with the process until all your hair is done. My is rather thick so I pin the top part up and work the bottom part first. Also, spray the sections when you are done (I've mentioned before my hair is pretty straight and doesn't hold curls that well, so the hairspray helps!). While you are curling, some may be tighter than others, do not mess with them though until the end-then you can go and finger comb your hair and see which ones need touch ups.

Okay. I hope that makes some sort of sense. Like I said, I'm no professional but I did find something I liked so I thought I would share! And now...I'll leave you with some words of wisdom-if you haven't read/seen The Help, I highly recommend it-I saw it opening weekend and finished the book literally seconds before! ;).

Random picture post

2011-08-23T18:36:00.000-07:00

First, I wanted to start by saying that I am going to do a simple hair how-to soon...the one thing I realized though is that it's impossible to do it with just me, especially seeing as I need both hands! Fear not...my dh has offered to help!

And now...on to my random picture post:

The other night I was in bed and I was saying some quick night prayers and for some reason (oh well, other than the fact that he's the best) I got teary eyes when I was thinking about my dh. So instead of simply saying thank you to God, I decided to write him a little note and leave it on his hanger where he hangs his uniform when he gets off in the morning. I called it my "just 'cause" letter and used old some of the old paper paint samples that I've had laying around. Needless to say, he appreciated it more than I thought!

This fun hair-do I did on my cousin...it's called the waterfall braid or something like that. It's basically a french braid but you leave half the bottom half out instead of adding (does that make any sense?!). Plus having some sort of curl or wave in the hair helps hold it. Okay, I promise I'm done with the hair posts...I guess I just got on a kick (dern you pinter.est for showing me fun things to do!).

I call this photo, "I'm promise I'm not a 13 year old girl...I just really like the color pink!" Yeah, so tonight I got ready for a bike ride after my dh left for work and after I was all ready, I literally laughed out loud at what I saw in the mirror...a pink camel back (gotta stay hydrated in this crazy 100+heat), iphone (listening to music helps my mind not think about how hard something is) with my pink earphones, and my pink arm band holder thing for my iphone...yeah...I pretty much looked like a 13 year old girl! I will say, my bike isn't pink though! ;)

However, when I got back from my 5.5 mile bike ride, I walked past the mirror in the entry way and realized that I had a new something pink:

MY FACE!! :/ Please excuse the nasty sweat...like I said, 100+temp people!

That bike ride was a lot harder than I anticipated but I still did it. I'm trying really hard to stick with the whole working out thing (P90.X, running, biking) because I know that even if it's hard now...the losing weight and getting healthier will only increase my chances of fertility because of my PCOS. So I'm sticking with it and even though I'm only a week in, I feel so much better.

And because I said this is a random picture post, I thought I would share one last photo I took today, on my way to the grocery store-don't worry I was stopped at the light. I really think this guy seems nice...

Notice the helmet? It says "F-you!" My goodness, how does he think that's a good idea?!?! Personally I think he's just asking to be pulled over!

Anyways, that wraps up my random picture post. I'm off to relax a bit and maybe stretch because my legs are telling me to. I hope everyone is doing ok and for those bloggers that experienced that earthquake today (crazy!!!) I hope y'all are safe and sound. My SIL is in Maryland and she said it was the craziest thing. Just glad to hear they are ok.

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles." (Audrey Hepburn)

I hurt.

2011-08-19T12:51:00.000-07:00

But thankfully it's just my body and not my heart or spirit!

My dh and I decided to start P9.0X this week and we are on day 4 today and I must say...every part of me aches...muscles I didn't even know I had worked ache!!

I'm trying so hard to jump back into being healthy with cutting some calories and working out. I was doing pretty good a couple months ago but then fell back into the slumps of "not caring."

I really should take video of us doing this, especially this first week. We look RIDICULOUS because we are both a bit out of shape but we are preserving and moving on. It's been quite the bonding experience for us actually, so that's another plus.

And really, no I shouldn't take video of us doing the workouts...y'all would probably think I was crazy and looked like a limp fish on the beach! I try, and that's the most important! :)

Thanks for the comments on my curls last post, I am so happy that they turned out and even when I woke in the morning, the next day, there was still a bit of a wave. I'm going to do a little picture how-to soon to show y'all. Hopefully, for those that try it, it will work just a great for y'all.

Anyways, this weekend is packed with more family birthday parties and a congratulatory dinner for one of my dh's work buddies...he just got engaged. Celebrations everyday!!

"Celebrate everything."

Roller coaster ride...just wish I knew when I could get off!

2011-08-16T16:30:00.000-07:00

When you struggle with fertility you feel like you are on a constant roller coaster ride. The slow tedious "up" of the coaster feels like it takes forever and the anticipation of not knowing and feeling left out hurts. The "down" part is the part that is fun, full of hope, your trusting meter is at full compacity and you just know you can handle this.

But then you have another spout of "up" time and it sucks.

And it never ends.

Or at least you don't know when it will end.

And that part is hard.

I know that I am not the first person to compare IF with a roller coaster ride and I'm sure I wont be the last, but it seems the two fit so perfectly together.

You see, as I mentioned in a couple post back-I was having a not great day. I was feeling sad, defeated and bitter. Then yesterday I prayed and hoped and slowly started feeling at peace with everything and my trusting meter was so full and actually had a moment where I was excited for our future.

Then today hits and I read another pregnancy announcement on FB and I get kicked in the gut and realized that yet again, I'm taking that slow trek back up on this roller coaster called IF.

This particular couple was one of two couples that I know IRL that have struggled and they did IUI or IVF and now are expecting a boy in February. To each their own. I know that even though they don't have the same beliefs as us in regards to fertility treatment, it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt that I'm feeling left behind yet again.

I just got that overwhelming feeling that I was being left in the dust by everyone-those that don't have to try, those that do, etc...

I was feeling pretty down and my husband suggested that we both get off FB for awhile...so I think that's what we'll do. I know it'll help. Damn you FB.

Him and I worked out together and that helped tremendously. Gotta love those endorphins-they're real!!

And now I have my hair all curled, fun makeup on and snazzy red shoes on because I'm off to celebrate a girlfriend's birthday with dinner and margaritas (I'm posting a picture because I'm pretty proud of my hair...I just learned how to curl it like this-I have board straight hair):

Life goes on and I just keep reminding myself to not let "comparison steal my joy." and really, when I remind myself of this (umm...think like 50 majillion billion gazillion times a day) it helps. I can't forget the many blessings in my life.

God has great things in store for us.

He's got great things in store for all of us still waiting.

Here's clinging to that hope and not letting go of that trust.

"In all things it is better to hope than to despair." (Van Goethe)

Dinner party success.

2011-08-15T14:20:00.000-07:00

Thankfully my funk that was following me around on Saturday slowly started to disappear and I am now feeling a bit better. Still twinges of sadness and bitterness, but I'm offering them up for my prayer buddy in hopes that some good can come from this.

Moving on...

So, what about this dinner party success?! Well, my husband really wanted to have his parents over for dinner especially since it's been quite a few months that we've been in our new home. We planned a few weeks ago for yesterday and my dh wanted the menu to be a surprise. The menu, a German feast. Which I've made one other time about a year or so ago, but that was just for my dh and I so this time I knew it would take a bit more time with the four of us.

Well, the four of us turned into 5 when we realized that his older brother would be leaving for school (he's in the seminary!:)) this week and was still at home so of course we would invite him along as well.

But then we realized that my husband's other sister, husband and nephew usually head over to his parents on Sundays for dinner also, so we decided to invite them as well.

So now our dinner party of 4 was a dinner party of 8.

And I wasn't just making a casserole or throwing some chicken in the oven, I was making this German feast. I thought about changing the menu but my dh was so excited about this and was bragging about how delicious everything was going to be...

All I could think of was, "Wow...no pressure!"

Anyways, they were scheduled to come over at 7 and so I started prepping around 5 thinking I would have more than enough time. I'm working on preparing the spätzle because I knew that would take the longest. Well, one thing led to another and I was just about done with it and getting started on the Pork Schnitzel and the doorbell rang.

It was already 645 and there I was in the kitchen with no bra on, no makeup done and a messy bun piled on the top of my head. I thought surely by then I would have everything started and then had time to get ready.

Oops...I'm cooking for 8 not the usual 2...

Anyways, I rushed off to throw on a bra and a swipe of some mascara. I mean I don't really think it's appropriate for me to be bra-less in a tank in front of my seminarian brother in law, who was the first to arrive!

Thankfully my husband helped me bread the Schnitzel and I had everything else ready to go. All I had to do was cook it-which with two pans and 12 pieces, well...it took longer than expected but we all sat down and enjoyed a nice dinner together and everyone seemed to like it.

My favorite part of all of it-seeing how proud my dh was of me and how proud he was to have his family over at our home for some food and fellowship.

Anyways, this story isn't that grand, but I was mighty proud to have accomplished this so I thought I would share. Besides, I was ready for my last post to not be at the top anymore.

Thanks for the kind words by the way. Also thanks for the reminder that there are times where things just aren't pretty and you have to let it out. Life is most definitely not all lollipops and laughter...there's bee stings and stubbed toes also!

Hope y'all are having a wonderful Monday!

"The best thing to hold onto in life is each other." (Audrey Hepburn)

It's raining and it's dreary...

2011-08-13T12:48:00.000-07:00

Which is a good thing because we haven't seen rain here in so long and we are finally not over 100 degrees.

So this is a good thing.

But then again it's not such a good thing for my spirit.

I have been doing great all month. Feeling pretty happy, hopeful and celebrating little victories here and there.

And then yesterday hit.

CD3.

Nothing new to report...except for the fact that aside from being a little emotional my husband told me that his best buddy from work and his wife had their baby yesterday.

A sweet beautiful, healthy baby girl.

This is a blessing.

But for some reason...it hit me like a ton of bricks...like a swift kick in the gut.

It hurt.

Aside from me being on my period and emotional and hearing this news, this was also from the girl who I frankly don't care for. She's not very nice and isn't very sensitive. She's the one that told me that "oh getting pregnant is so easy for us we don't have to try and that's so nice to be able to plan exactly the way I like things to be..." and "you should be pregnant with me so I am not pregnant alone." Of course she mentioned this in October of last year and then found out they were pregnant the next month because "she was planning on it and taking her vitamins and drinking water."

This woman knows we are trying. Granted she doesn't know how long we have been trying but she knows.

So, her lack of sensitiveness + my period = an emotional mess on my end.

Oh joy, what happened to me reminding myself, "Don't let comparison steal your joy"...I'm trying.

It's just not working.

Granted last night when my dh told me the news, I felt pretty terrible inside but I put on a front that I would be fine and whatnot.

Then this morning I woke up feeling in a funk and then the weather was feeling rather dreary and well...I sort of lost it emotionally.

I decided that I would make a nice breakfast for my dh and I because even though I was feeling down I was going to try and move forward and not let this get the best of me.

But then I went to set the table and when everything was out I went to set down the strawberries and dipping sauce and the sauce slipped and knocked over the vase of flowers spilling water everywhere and the sauce spilled onto stuff and my place mats were soaking and I lost it.

I was a big ol' baby and when my husband walked out I tried hard not to show the tears but when he saw the mess and saw my face he thought maybe I had gotten hurt.

Needless to say, I had to go to a room and be alone.

I have to be alone when I have my little emotional breaks.

Bless his heart, he's amazing and supportive all the while I'm crying over spilled ~~milk~~ water.

I hate that emotions can get the best of you at times.

I hate that one day you can be feeling good and hopeful and grand.

And then one day you lose it over stupid stuff.

I've got to get my sh*t together. I'm better than this and my dh deserves better than this.

So prayer buddy, if you read this please pray that my anxious heart calms the heck down and that I'm able to offer up this little funk and not lose focus of the blessings in my life.

Oh life.

Update on the baby making subject

2011-08-09T23:09:00.000-07:00

This past month I decided that I wasn't going to take any medications (ie:Clomid or the trigger shot) but would still go in for my day 14 sonogram to see what was happening in this little ol' body of mine.

Well...I went in on day 14 to have my sonogram to see what my ovaries were doing (sans medicine so I wasn't expecting much) and low and behold my right ovary had a great size-20x21.

For me this was huge, I have PCOS and have NEVER produced anything on my own without the help of meds...

The nurse asked if I wanted to do the trigger shot. I of course said no.

I was sort of in shock that my body did something on it's own and the way it was suppose.

Big high five to that right ovary.

Well, needless to say with work schedules and all the craziness that is life, timing might not have been perfect this month (if I had even ovulated that is) and so I wasn't expecting much. Just trying to hold on to the good news that my ovary was doing something right.

Fast forward to today...CD1.

Cramps.

Bloating.

The whole nine yards.

But I wasn't devastated like I normally am.

No, today I felt sort of like you feel when you are outside and it's bright and sunny and there aren't many clouds but for a moment there's rain drops-kinda confusing.

Yeah, so I was feeling kinda confused. I wasn't happy because well...it was CD1.

But, I wasn't sad because my body did something this month that it has never done before.

Baby steps.

So, we've decided that we are going to take a couple months off before looking for a new RE because this current doctor wants me to meet his doctor (ie: IVF or IUI) and that's something that we have personally chosen not to do.

We are praying that during this couple of months off from meds (um, hello my body might not even need them...or was this just a fluke month!?!) and then praying that the God leads us to the right doctor.

It's quite refreshing knowing that I'm not going to have 1.2354345 billion doctor's appointments this month and that I don't have to get hot flashes from clomid (hello, I live in TX...I get hot flashes withOUT the help of meds!) nor pay an arm and a leg for the meds.

Who knows, we may just relax ourselves into pregnancy-hahahaha...we know how well this works, ladies! A girl can hope though, right?! ;) or just use this month to take it easy before pursuing the doctor's appointments again in full force next month or whenever.

One day at a time.

One month at a time.

Baby steps.

We are trusting God fully and leaning on him not only in the bad times but also rejoicing in the good times (and those small baby steps). Our faith has us trusting and hoping beyond what I ever thought I could and for that I am grateful.

"Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do."

Love this.

2011-08-08T19:24:00.000-07:00

I thought and thought about what I wanted to write and I was sort of stumped (nothing new nor exciting nor devastating occurring..or maybe too much happening and I don't know where to start!) and thought I would post a picture. This picture is part of a picture I got from Pintre.st. Anyways, so I saw this and fell in love with the quote and wanted to share it with y'all because I think y'all will appreciate it as much as I have!

"Don't let comparison steal your joy."

I'm back: Quick takes

2011-08-02T22:57:00.001-07:00

1)I can't believe it's been almost a month since I've posted...I definitely needed the break but missed sharing "too much" with all of you...

2)My husband and I finally have internet so guess what...I'm NOT typing this from my iphone with my fat fingers!

3) Although I haven't been commenting as much, I have been attempting to follow blogs...ALL have been in my prayers and thoughts...

4)Umm...the Texas heat reached (at least) 107 today...gotta love that heat. NOT. I'm a sweater.

5) I haven't mentioned much about IF but all I can say is that my DH has been the best support and the greatest friend I could ask for.

6) Although I had a blogger break, I kept up with FB and to be honest...my favorite part was seeing some of my IF blogger buddies post about their pregnancies...

7)I'm glad to be back! There's been so many times I thought about blogging but made myself stay away because I knew I needed the break. Glad to be back though...

Break time

2011-07-07T11:15:00.001-07:00

I recently deleted my facebook app-which is the only way I check fb since ww don't have home internet at this time.

There were just too many preggo announcements/baby updates/cute preggo belly pictures.

It's been almost a week and this little break has been just what I needed.

I've also sort of taken a step back in blogging. I've started a few posts in the past few days but then deleted them.

The whole stepping back-if even for a moment-from blogging has to do with a few things:
-NOT because of any pregnancy announcements or baby talk...quite contrary, I find lots of hope in those!
-I've sorta felt at a stand still in regards to my IF...just waiting to find a new RE in hopes if making our dreams a reality.
-I've read a few blogs recently where people have sort of mocked other bloggers for talking about trusting in God's timing and hoping and whatnot. It's shocking to me-and I most certainly don't want to ever become bitter like that so I'm going to cling to my hope thank you very much.
-And similarly to the above, I've also read comments/blogs where people mock people for talking about their miracles..oh you know the ones they waited for and prayed for. I think that no one should ever feel bad about taking about their pregnancy/babies...never ever!!

I guess it just left a bad taste in my mouth for blogging-really I was just shocked like I mentioned because so far, for me the blogging world has been a place for comfort and support-not bitterness and judging.

Anyways, I really hope that I can jump back into blogging/commenting because I miss it when I'm gone-it's just that I guess I needed to step back, take a deep breath and relax.

Much like life-sometimes you just need to step back and breathe and relax. ;)

And once again THANK YOU SO MUCH for the encouraging comments last post-I'm in awe at the support and encouragement I receive here, sometimes I don't feel worthy.

Just know I'm praying for y'all each day-sometimes by name (real and blogger name!) and hoping that good things are happening for each and everyone of y'all.

"Sometimes we expect more much from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Cautiously hopeful.

2011-06-27T22:35:00.001-07:00

So, for 2.5 years we went and tried and prayed for my little ol' ovaries to produce some sort of mature follicle.

It happened once.

Just once.

In two and a half years.

Pretty discouraging but I still hoped.

Then last year, I had surgery and my periods are now regular and low and behold...my dinky ovaries are producing some pretty decent follicles.

This is huge for me.

But...

After last cycle-after hearing my follicles might not be rupturing...my heart broke.

Now, here we are three and a half years later with mature follicles but possibly something else wrong.

Which leads me to this cautious hopefulness.

I do not like that I am like this right now.

I love hope.

I cling to hope like there's no tomorrow.

Hope and me are tight.

But, like I mentioned-after last month's not so great results, that hope literally shattered into a million pieces and I've been doing all I humanly can to find those pieces and put that hope back together.

Because hope saves me when I'm down and broken and scared.

But now, I am cautiously hoping because of fear of that pain.

That pain that was so overwhelming and took so much out of me.

You see today's doctor's appointment-the second follicle check this cycle-showed two great, mature follicles.

TWO.

The me a year ago would have danced and sung words of joy leaving that appointment-praising God for this blessing.

But the me today, got the trigger shot...put on my over sized glasses to hide my tears of fear...and would not allow that hope to over flow.

And like I said-I. Hate. That.

I felt terrible because the pain that I felt not that long ago from yet another cycle...still lingered and there I was not rejoicing in this blessing.

I am not that person.
I do not want to become that person that forgets to celebrate the little victories.

So-although this day was not quite how I anticipated-with the hope not overflowing from my core-I am finishing it by thanking God for this blessing.

I'm high-fiving my right ovary for stepping up with not one...but two follicles.

I am thanking God for the hope that is growing and praying that I continue to embrace it.

And I'm asking God for the grace to accept his timing and not lose that hope.

So here I am...hoping and praying and trusting.

I'm not giving up.

I'm not going to let fear overtake hope.

Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken...but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken place.

More REcreations!

2011-06-22T19:51:00.001-07:00

Today I crafted...

Boy do I love to craft.

Crafting=little to no thinking about IF.

Here's two things I did:

I had this dollar tray that I purchased from Hobby Lobby a few weeks ago. That tray plus some paint, modge podge and fun scrapbook paper equals a fun little tray to hold remotes in the living room:

Then, I had really wanted to make this Anthropology inspired, burlap lamp shade (I got the idea here.) and finally just did it today. It took me longer than expected because I didn't cut enough strips and then would have to stop, cut and iron in the middle...needless to say, it was easy, just took a little longer than expected. Here's the step by step...
Before:

I cut the strips of burlap about 3 inches.

Ironed them in half.

Then I covered my shade with burlap before hot gluing the strips.

And then you have the after:

So yeah, good times with the crafting. My next project is to continue to look for these,

Mason jars! I saw a picture in a magazine where they strung them outside and put tea lights in them. I found these 5 for 25 cents at the thrift store so I'll be looking for more in the coming weeks. I'm glad I looked at the thrift store because I almost bought them new at Hobby Lobby for $1.99...so I definitely got a deal!

Do any of y'all have fun crafts/projects you are working on or want to work on? Let me know...I'm always looking for inspiration!

Ps, I have a follicle check tomorrow. Here's hoping I've produced (and soon release!) some good follies with the upped clomid because boy oh boy have those hot flashes been CRAZY!

Time for a little laughter!

2011-06-20T15:56:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I'm done feeling sad, disappointed, etc...and thankfully as I mentioned in my last post my hope is up.

This is good.

Wanna know what's great?

Laughing with my sweet husband!! You know, that special kind of laughter that completely takes over your body...the pinch in your side, hard to breathe, tears streaming down your face, cheeks hurting and those awkward "catching your breath in the middle of your can't stop laughing spell "noises!!

Yeah, that's the best kind of laughter.

So anyways, here's 2 videos we made last night that kept us laughing so hard that I was crying and trying not to pee my pants! Yeah, we are that cool!

Sorry if you don't think it's as hilarious as we did...it's the little things, you guys! :) Hope y'all enjoy Fred as much as we did!! ;)

YouTube Video

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." (e.e Cummings)

You carry me.

2011-06-18T12:35:00.001-07:00

Although these last few days have been rather difficult, I'm trusting God.

It hurts and I feel a little lost and a bit alone, but I'm trusting.

Today is looking up...there's been a few things that I have taken as signs from HIM-which I'll write about later.

For now, I'll leave you with the lyrics from a beautiful song that literally fell into my lap last night. The words hit me at my core and although I had an emotional breakdown, I'm feeling better and that hope, I so desperately cling to all the other days of my cycle, is slowly coming back.

It's not my hope alone. I know He is giving it to me and I'm grateful for that, especially because the last few days that hope has been fairly non existence.

And I wanted to say THANK YOU to all those, new commentors and old commentors, that took the time to comment and say a prayer-I was left in tears that y'all care. I'm eternally grateful for each and everyone's support.

Ok, ok..back to the song, here's the lyrics. You can download on iTunes or listen on YouTube, either way, I hope y'all can get as much out of the words that I have:

"Carry Me" by Audrey Assad
Pain is a forest we all get lost in
Between the branches hope can be so hard to see
And in the darkness we've all got questions
We're all just trying to make sense out of suffering but

You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me
Help me believe it

Fear is a current we all get caught in
And in its motion faith can be so hard to find
And we all falter 'cause we're all broken
We're all just trying to turn the shadows into light but

You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me
And you say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me

And I know Your promises are faithful
And God, I've seen Your goodness in my life
And oh, I've found Your mercy is a river
Your love is an ocean wide

You say I am blessed because of this
You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me

And You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, as I carry this cross
'Cause as I carry this cross, You'll carry me

You'll carry me, God
You'll carry me
And Your love is an ocean wide.

I'm so lost

2011-06-16T13:14:00.001-07:00

I had a doctor's appointment today to make sure my ovaries aren't being overly stimulated by the clomid.

Ha.

My ovaries be overly stimulated?

Yeah, that's a joke.

Well, he checked me out and then reviewed my chart and said, "Hmm...your body is not responding to clomid...that's not good!"

I wanted to say, "No sh*t!!" But because I'm not rude and I most certainly do not curse at doctors, I simply said that I agreed.

I ask him about having a nice, mature follicle, receiving the trigger shot and then crappy numbers in regards to progesterone. He mentioned that he wonders if it's LUFS, oh joy, and said he'll up the clomid this month and then wants to do follow up sonograms to check and see if I'm actually ovulating.

And then came the words that felt like a swift kick in the gut...

"And if you still don't respond this month to clomid, I just don't know what else I can do. Ilk have to refer you to another specialist." Ie: an IVF doctor.

It took every ounce of my being not to cry right then and there.

Pant less on the table already feeling defeated that the clomid hadn't done anything for me and now I'm being told I'm a lost cause.

I made my next appointments and quickly left.

The moment I stepped outside I put on my over-sized glasses just in time because the tears started flowing...

In our 4 years of marriage I have seen 4 doctors and 3 have said they couldn't do anything for me.

I feel like such a lost cause right now.

Like we're about to have to start all over again.

My heart aches just thinking about this.

I wish I could just fast forward through this cycle and know. Although with my track record I have a pretty good idea what the outcome will be.

I hate PCOS.
Hate it.
Hate it.
Hate it.

CD1

2011-06-14T16:54:00.001-07:00

Sigh.

The good, the bad, the whatever

2011-06-13T10:18:00.001-07:00

The bad: My progesterone was 8.2

The good: it was up from the 5 something from last month.

The whatever: it's not over til it's over, ie: Aunt Flo arrives.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Today

2011-06-05T23:13:00.001-07:00

Today was filled with:

-Lots of family fun.
-The start of our anniversary week

-Lots of laughter.
-A few tears.
-Lots of snuggles with my sweet, sweet nephew

-The start of my husband's weekend.
-Me sporting the new necklace I made

-Did I mention lots of laughter?!

All in all,
GREAT day.

I am so blessed.

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful. (Annette Funicello)

Zilch, Nada, Nothing.

2011-06-02T11:50:00.001-07:00

I've seen almost ZERO good cm.

(TMI warning): it's been watery and thankfully I'm not completely dry but still.

I'm playing it cool and trying not to freak out and expect the worst but it's rather discouraging not to see good CM after seeing such an awesome sized follicle and getting the trigger shot on Tuesday.

I unfortunately have goo.gled so much:
HCG trigger.
Trigger shot + ovulation.
HCG trigger shot + guaranteed ovulation.
Percentage of women who ovulate with assistance from trigger shot.
How soon do you ovulate after trigger?
23-24 sized follicle cd14.

You get the picture...

Needless to say, starting today I am backing off the goo.gling craziness and trusting God and trusting my body.

I just want this so badly and am so beyond grateful to even be in this position.

You see, for 1.5-2 years, we tried clomid and femera and shots and we never saw my body respond with such a nice size follicle.

And now, almost a year after surgery, my body is responding.

And that's something to celebrate.

Celebrate yes, but freaking out and over analyzing, I wish not.

Here's to trusting, hoping and believing...

CD14 follicle check

2011-05-31T11:38:00.001-07:00

Lining...looks great!
Left side...16mm was the biggest.
Right side...23-24mm!!!!!

First follicle check this cycle and it looks great!

This is very exciting.

Pcos=sad dinky follicles.

Not for me this month.

The nurse was quite impressed.

I was quite impressed.

The hot flashes are so worth it...the clomid is doing something.

I don't think I've ever been so excited to take a shot in my life.

Hgc trigger shot...here I come!!

Now dear body, keep doing what you're doing and maybe, just maybe this could be our month.

I'm overfilled with joy right now.

There's hope this cycle.

LOTS of hope.

Thank you, Jesus!

And I even smiled...

2011-05-30T10:15:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I attended a couple's baby shower. It was for one of my husband's co-workers, a fellow police officer.

I joined in with the talks about babies, birthing and breasts(feedings) with the glowing mommy to be.

The same mommy to be that has said things like...
-YOU need to get pregnant with me so I can have a preggo friend.
-Gosh, we don't even have to try and get pregnant-it's just so easy for us.
-You know if you want to be pregnant already, all you need is to take prenatals and drink water.
-If you can handle a dog you can handle kids. It's a good test on whether or not you even should have kids!
(Yeah, I wonder what she thinks now-now that we do not have our crazy dog anymore.)

I wasn't going to go originally.

I didn't think I would be emotionally strong enough.

But, in the end, I went because my dh is good friends and co-workers with her husband.

Meaning...it was important to him=it was important to me.

So yes, me and my non preggo belly stood next to her very preggo belly and took pictures...

And you know what?

I even smiled.

Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain.

(Re)create.

2011-05-27T16:20:00.001-07:00

Because I've mentioned it about one million times here, you all probably already know that that crafting helps keep me sane, ESPECIALLY in regards to dealing with fertility stuff.

I heart crafting.

It's good for my soul.

Here's a couple of my recent (re)creations...

I bought this chalk board on clearance at Target- I'm fairly certain I ran in for just toilet paper but because Target has this magical effect where you discover many more things that you need, I walked away with the chalkboard, nail polish, clearance place mats (that I hope to make into pillows) and a shirt. Anyways, here's the chalkboard:

I played around with paint so I could make it distressed and this is what I ended up with:

I knew I wanted to put it in my bathroom to write sweet little messages on (and to receive them!!) since we usually just write on the mirror with a marker. The extra perk, a place to hang some of my necklaces!

The other project I did was for my sister in law's birthday. It was my other SIL's birthday last week and I made her a sign so I decided to stick with making something for this SIL also. I took a 50 cent thrift store frame, painted it, stamped out a saying on fun scrapbook paper and added ribbon to hang it. She's a bit of a chocolaholic so I knew she'd like this:

And she did like it-I gave her that along with some yummy Pioneer Woman's chocolate cupcakes! ;)

I'm not sure what I'll do next, but since I was super impressed by this pretty lady's awesome furniture re-dos, maybe I'll muster up the courage to do something like that!!

Well, that's about it for now! Hope everyone has a wonderful (long) weekend!!

“True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, the zest of creating things new.”(Antoine de Saint-Exupery)

Tuesday Tidbits

2011-05-24T14:35:00.001-07:00

-I started clomid on Sunday. This time I'm taking double. I'm really hoping it works.

-It's so strange but since I started taking the clomid, I've felt nausea on and off since yesterday...anyone else experience this?

-Next Tuesday I have my sonogram to view my follicles and I'm hoping and praying that my ovaries pick it up and do their part. Pleaseworkovariespleasework.

-Thank goodness for homeowners insurance, we got back last night and when we pressed the button to open the garage door it only sorta opened...and then it went all crooked...and then one of the windows on the door shattered everywhere. Eek.

-I can't believe my dh and I are so close to celebrating our 4 year anniversary. Craziness...beautiful, wonderful craziness!

-I've been running a lot lately. The most I've run in one setting was 5 miles last week. And I did not die. This is HUGE. ;)

-Although I've been pretty consistent with running, I've unfortunately been slipping quite a bit with drinking cokes and coffee. It's just so hard when I'm dragging and need a little pick me up.

-Lastly, anyone else having trouble with blogger lately? I've had troubles, on and off with leaving comments/getting comments.

-Sorry for the randomness of this post. I wanted to post something, random thoughts and all- hence the "Tuesday Tidbits" post title.

Hope everyone is doing well...you are all in my thoughts and prayers!

"Money can't buy happiness but it can buy ice-cream and that's kinda the same thing!"

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Rainy day crafts

2011-05-20T17:49:00.001-07:00

Today it's been raining and dark and dreary (and CD3 ain't doing much for me either).

Which means, in order for me to keep sane, I worked on some crafts.

First, I bought a really fancy gold frame from the thrift store for about a buck and I've wanted to put this one quote, that I fell in love with, in it to go by the front door. I forgot to take a before picture but I did snap one of the back side, mid-painting, to show the gold in all it's glory...

And then I painted, cut up scrap book paper and wrote the sweet quote...

The only thing was that I wanted it by the front door but I had green flowers on my homemade coffee filter wreath that I made back in November. Since that wreath was a doozy to make, I did it with the intention of changing out the little decorations on it to go with the season. And well, I didn't have any fun blue or red flowers to go on it, so that the front hall flows with my new picture frame, SO I made two paper flowers...

Another view:

Also, yesterday was my SIL's birthday and I wanted to make something simple (pun intended) that she could hang in her apartment. All I did was paint a board I had, mod podge some scrapbook paper and then stamp out the word...

And lastly, even though I didn't make it...I'm certainly enjoying this while I'm watching the Rangers and hoping they can beat the Phillies...

Cheers!

"What I love most about my home is who I share it with." (Tad Carpenter)

Pep talk

2011-05-19T15:37:00.001-07:00

I will ovulate this month.
I will ovulate this month.
I will ovulate this month.
I will ovulate this month.
I will ovulate this month.
I will ovulate this month.
I will ovulate this month.
I will ovulate this month.
I will ovulate this month.
I will ovulate this month.
I will ovulate this month.
I will ovulate this month.
I will ovulate this month.
I will ovulate this month.
I will ovulate this month.

So I can get pregnant.

Gasp!!

2011-05-18T08:23:00.001-07:00

CD1 came today.

I saw that coming with my stellar progesterone results of 5.5.

Here's hoping this cycle is better...

"Never, never NEVER give up."

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

5 point stinkin' 5

2011-05-13T20:36:00.000-07:00

5.5 was my progesterone this month.

MAJOR grr.

There were lots of tears shed today.

And I felt like someone punched me in the gut and i couldn't breathe.

My goodness...last month I was higher without meds and this month with meds I am lower!

(On a side note, is it possible to be an every other month kinda gal? I mean in the past since my surgery I am noticing that every other month my progesterone is higher, with or without meds. It never seems to fail that if my progesterone was highish one month, the next month it's lower. I am going to ask my doctor about this but I thought I would get yalls opionion in the mean time. Thanks.)

Still though, I just don't get it.

When the nurse told me the number I said, "That's not good."

She said, "Don't give up just yet on this cycle, I've seen quite a few women get pregnant with 5 and below."

I wanted to respond with, "Yeah right...you're just saying this because you want me to not feel like crap and cry right here on the phone.

But instead I said, "Ok."

I immediately got off the phone and cried.

A whole stinkin' lot.

My heart hurt.

My head hurt.

My body hurt.

Then I went to the living room to regain my composure and offer up a prayer for strength and courage.

I looked out the window in to our backyard and saw them.

Two beautiful blue jays.

I've associated blue jays with my grandfather since the night before his accident that ultimately took him from us here on earth, I had him and my grandmother over for dinner and there was a blue jay SIIIINGING and cherping outside the dinner room window.

My Gm loved blue jays.

He was like my father and so many times I pray that he intercede for me because he cannot be here on earth to offer his wisdom and courage.

And when I saw those blue jays sitting outside my window I cried and thanked him.

I've got some pretty amazing people praying for me.

And I trust...

In God's timing.

In God's timing.

In God's timing.

NOT mine.

His.

I keep telling myself this today and am feeling a bit better.

When my husband woke up I told him the news and he just held me while I cried some more. I told him that I was so sorry that my body had failed us again and that he would be yet another month fatherless on my account. And then he said one thing that touched me to my core,

Do not apologize. I am most definitely not sorry for this month. It was one more month of us growing closer to one another. Learning more about one another. Another month I got to spend with you. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

He really is amazing and there's times I wonder how he got stuck with such a mess of a gal.

My heart melts just thinking about how good that man is to me.

Incredible.

Amazing.

...

Well...I'm off to relax and get ready for bed.

Trying to pick up the pieces from todays not so great news and remind myself that tomorrow is another day.

I'm still not giving up...

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.”

I met a REAL life blogger friend! ;)

2011-05-11T18:57:00.000-07:00

Guys, this was huge for me.

I'd seen so many posts about blogger girls meeting up and talking for hours and well...

I wanted that.

Then, I got an email from this Pretty lady about meeting up since she would be heading up my direction before Easter.

Of course I was on board!

When she finally arrived in town and was able to step away for a bit (she's got two young ones!) we decided to meet for breakfast.

I'm not going to lie...I was a bit nervous.

What if she and I didn't hit it off?

What if conversation was boring?

What if

What if...

WHAT IF!

The morning before, I had met with my Gm and, although she knows I have a blog, she knows it's sorta private in the sense that I don't share it with people I know. And well, when I mentioned I was meeting a blogger in real life, this is how our conversation went;

Me: "yeah, I'm a little nervous but more excited about meeting Lisa."

Gm: Silence

Me: Just rambling on about the meet up and other random things...

...
...

A few moments later...

Gm: "I was watching the television the other night and there was this report about this lady who met a guy on mat.ch.com and well, he wasn't what she thought and he ra.ped her. It want good at all. And well, just watch out!"

I totally didn't see that coming but reassured her that I was never going to meet a stranger anywhere but a busy, public place and that she had nothing to worry about! (Oh sweet Gm!)

Anyways back to the meet up, in a nut shell I arrived at the restaurant and sat and my car and "scoped" things out a bit, said a prayer conversation would flow and went in.

And the conversation did flow and it was great! I was nervous for no reason! She's such a sweet person and I am in awe how she prays for those of us struggling with IF even though, she does not.

All in all it was great and I most definitely look forward to another meet up in the future!

Now if only I had more blogger friends that lived closer to me in Texas, I could meet y'all in real life also!

I'll sign off with a picture from our meet up. We thought it would be funny to have one where I'm holding up my phone to my face because that's usually how I post pictures of myself!!

"Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait for the answer."

If you have a moment...

2011-05-10T07:03:00.001-07:00

Would you please say a little prayer for me this morning?

I'm heading into my doctor's office for my progesterone check and would really like it to be better than last month's. Especially because that was without meds and this month I took clomid.

Thanks girls!

Blessed John Paul, pray for us.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Easy gift idea

2011-05-09T13:24:00.001-07:00

I was thinking about this post yesterday and onto today.

I thought of writing about how I woke yesterday full of confidence about this cycle and full of hope that maybe, just maybe this was our cycle.

I thought about writing about how my dh spoiled me with hugs and kisses and "you're going to be a mama soon and you will be the best one ever!"

I thought about writing about how the day was great.

Then, I thought about writing about how I basically skipped into Mass with that confidence and hope that I had when I started the day.

I also thought writing about how when the priest told everyone to stand that was a mother to be given their blessings, I lost it.

All my confidence and hope seem to disappear and I broke into to tears sobbing and yearning to stand alongside those other women.

My only saving grace, my amazing dh holding my hand tighter than normal and whispering sweet things in my ear and also, the cute little girl in front of me staring with such concern over my tears. When our eyes met, she gave the sweetest little smile, so as to reassure me it was ok.

After Mass and lots of hugs and prayers, my confidence and hope were back. And thankfully the rest of the day was great, spent with my dh, and my brothers and their others. Oh yeah, and this little guy:

My sweet nephew! I got lots of snuggles in with him and that was great.

So yeah, that's what I was going to talk about but instead, I decided to write about my gift I made for my Gm and MIL for mother's day. ;) This gift, hand scrub, can totally be done for any occasions and was super easy and super cheap.

Here's the supplies and the final product:

Here's the link where I got the idea! And I tried some of it and it left my hands feeling really soft! My Gm is a avid gardener so that's her's on the left and my MIL's on the right.

Well, I hope that each and everyone of you ladies had a good day yesterday. Or if not a good day then I hope that you at least survived it.

It's a new day.
Don't give up on that hope.

"PRAY. There is immeasurable power in it."

Happy Mother's day

2011-05-08T13:02:00.001-07:00

Happy Mother's day to all the current mamas, soon to be mamas and trying to be mamas.

Love,
"Faith Makes Things Possible"

CD18 (for reals)

2011-05-04T13:42:00.001-07:00

I went back and counted my days and realized I was off...today is actually CD18 which means yesterday was actually CD17.

And also, last night I saw some ok cm...which is a blessing because like I mentioned before-this cycle has been dry!

I'm just going to go ahead and say THANK YOU to all those that are praying for me and reminding me to no give up just yet on this cycle.

Your prayers are working it seems.

So there's still hope for this cycle after all...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

CD18

2011-05-03T11:45:00.001-07:00

It's CD18 and so far I've seen nothing.

Nothing.

Grr.

I mean, yesterday I was feeling twinges in my lower back and on my right ovary-so I thought maybe I was going to ovulate...

But my cm would beg to differ.

I seriously haven't been this dry in so long. Even the last two months that I did clomid I saw something.

I have been taking mucinex and vitamin b6 on my own accord, since my doctor isn't a Napro doctor a so cm isn't is top concern.

Thankfully I still have notes from when I was seeing my old napro doctor so I knew when/what to take, however this cycle is proving to be a tough one.

I'm obviously not giving up hope for this cycle just yet-I'm just not sure when I should officially throw in the towel.

I mean, it's mighty tough to get pregnant with little to no good cm and that is exactly where I am at this point in my cycle.

Maybe after I have my blood drawn for this cycle I'll discuss plans about next cycle, you know ways he think I can improve the uhh...dryness.

Or maybe a miracle will happen and we will actually conceive and be able to ring in our 4 years of marriage (yay June 9!!!!) with a special gift from above.

A girl can dream, right?!

"Don't get discouraged. It's often the last key that opens the lock."

I'm proud...

2011-05-01T21:03:00.001-07:00

...to be an American.

I'm proud of my husband who served two tours in Iraq and sacrificed so much.

I'm proud of all those that have served/are serving in our military.

I'm proud that we did not give-up the fight to find the terrorist leader that attacked our soil on 9/11.

I'm proud that our troops took down the man that has killed hundreds of thousands of people all over the world.

Adios Osama-you will not be missed.

To all our military-your work was not in vain...THANK YOU!!!!

I am most definitely proud to be an American!!!!

Picture post (with some words because, well...it's me we're talking about!)

2011-04-29T18:23:00.001-07:00

Today I taught myself how to fish braid my hair (go yo.utube!).

I hung my little humming bird feeder (from my Gm!) outside my kitchen window. I can't wait to see a hummingbird!

This little pill causes an awful lot of hot flashes for this lady...

Lastly, since I was feeling not so great tonight (hello CD14 on clomid and no sign of good cm in site :-/) I decided to paint my toes a fun color. And since I don't want a close up (as I'm sure you don't either!) of my toes, the picture is of the bottle.

Praying for you girls tonight and appreciating all the comments and prayers from each and every one of y'all (and the new commenters!).

"Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about..."