CD10

It is CD10 and so far I have had 6 days of M-VL spotting and the rest have been dry. I am really praying for some EWCM soon! I was just so excited to see it about 1.5-2 weeks after surgery that I am hopeful it will come back around.

Fingers crossed and prayers being offered up like a crazy woman.

That is all for now.

I learn something new everyday.

I was at a resale shop digging through some treasures and on the wall I found this:




I learn something new everyday! ;)

Blessing and how my brain works sometimes.

My DH found out yesterday, during his in service, that state legislative just passed a bill that will start in January 2011...it allows active duty police officers to pursue their degrees and the state will pay for them to get it! Of course their are some stipulations but how exciting! He's always wanted to get his degree, but the door for that hasn't been opened to us until now. Another amazing thing about it is that since he is also a veteran, he will rate his GI bill...bringing in extra money each month he is in school!

Of course, the tracks in my brain (does that even make sense?!) started going and I thought that if he started next Fall, by then surely [fingerscrossedprayersofferedpleasedearGodifitbeyourwil] we will have a baby or at least pregnant and then he'll be bringing in that extra money around that time. What a blessing this could be.

I've found that this is how my brain works on a lot of stuff. I find out something, let's say a friend's wedding, and I think, "well, if that it's a year, and we get pregnant in the next few months...well, I could be about to either a)pop or 2)have a little one nestled in my arms."

Also, let's say, someone talks about taking a trip, whether it be a road trip or a plane trip I instantly think, "well, if we get pregnant now, then I'll be about to pop and there's no way I could travel then!"

Or, last December when we actually found some pretty looking mature follicles (only an IF would say this, I'd imagine!) and we took the honker of a HCG shot, I instantly thought, "if we do get pregnant, then the baby would around the time GP passed, it would be as if his soul left and another soul is entering the world..."

And lastly, I think about if we do indeed get pregnant in the next couple a months, it would be around the time GP passed, and thus sparking the same thought as the one mentioned above.

Call me crazy.

Blame it on my wild imagination.

I know I play the "what if" game a lot, it's just hard not to.

Part of it's exciting to think about because I know that when it happens, it's going to be truly beautiful and the timing will be something beyond my wildest dreams.

Another part of it's exhausting. I don't want to always think, "what if" but some how it just happens...without me even trying to think about it.

I guess all in all I blame it on (not really blame, but you get the idea) the fact that I still believe in my heart of hearts that this desire to conceive and raise children is from God and therefore, these thoughts are going to happen because that desire is there.

I have prayed that God take the desire if it's not in His will, but like I've mentioned numerous times before, He always seems to lead us in a direction where the path ultimately could lead to conception.

So, I guess I'll take my crazy thoughts of "what if's" and go with it.

I'm going to keep my head held high.

I'm going to keep on trusting.

Oh, what an adventure this so called life has been...

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. (Albert Einstein)

Tuesday's thoughts:

I have a bunch of random thoughts running around my head and so I thought I would just list them out, for my own sake really...

-I have read so many posts by others recently that have been almost exactly what I have been feeling. It's so crazy. Really though, it's just a reminder from God that we aren't alone...

-No job yet. And really, I don't mind (well, the really not denting our debt I mind...just not the working part). It's hard to explain to people but all the other jobs that I have ever worked/will work just don't do it for me. It's so hard to explain. I am not wanting to be a pretty princess that stays home while her husband works his butt off to provide, it's just that I desire so badly to be a mom that all the other jobs are simply that...just jobs. For example, my husband is a police officer and he LOVES it. He's been on for over 2 years and still gets excited about going in. He loves what he does, the people he works with and knows that God put him in that job. Now, for me, any job that I have had in the past (don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed some of them at times) there was always something missing and it always felt like something to do "in the mean time". Anyways, I have tried to find one, anyone at this point and it's pretty stinkin' hard. Go economy.

-Yesterday it got up to 107! And no, that wasn't the heat index, that was the actual temperature! Grr...so looking foward to Fall already!!!

-We are meeting with our Realtor next week to look at some houses. Thankfully, there have been quite a few of them that have gone down in the few weeks we have taken off from looking! Fingers crossed we find something we like.

-I have been going to adoration quite a bit lately. I guess there's been so much on my mind that I am trying to give it to God and not let worry consume my heart. I've been rather anxious off and on it seems and I don't want to live like that. I want to just trust and know that His plans and timing are perfect. Always. However, it seems that I will go from excited and hopeful one day to almost a panic and fear (of the unknown) the next. I recently started doing some novenas again (St. Therese and St. Gerard) and asking for peace and it really seems to be working. Prayer is rather powerful and I know that I will probably have to re-offer up my pains, sorrows and fears on more than one occasion. It's definitely not a, "well, I offered it up and am good to go now..." sort of thing.

-My "high" of the week is that my DH has inservice and so his hours are 8-5pm and so we get to have dinner together every night and sleep together! I seriously feel so beyond blessed to have this. Since he usually works 4 nights out of the week, I don't really sleep that well but now, we have been able to pray our rosary together each night before bed and then we get to sleep together! Pure joy.

"The desire of every human heart is love" (Anonymous)

No BROWN! :)

Here's a little run down of what's been going on with my body post surgery:

-Last Sunday I had VL spotting on and off til about Thursday.
-Then, yesterday, was CD1.
-Today it's in full force. Actually I'm cramping more than normal but nothing too unbearable.

Now, for the pluses to all this:
-No BROWN spotting at all!!! I can't even remember the last time I had a cycle without brown spotting. Yeah, it's been that long! I don't know if it was because I needed Prometrium to jump start my periods all these years or what. I just know that seeing brown was a regular occurrence and this time...NO BROWN! :)
-This cycle started all on its own! No prometrium needed. It's the second one this year (the first after surgery) but like I mentioned first, this is the first with no brown.
-Also, I don't know if this makes a difference or not but I thought I would throw it in with the pluses because there's something about seeing a longer list of pluses that makes me even more hopeful! ;) This period is actually more like a "normal" period, it started with some spotting and then lead into heavier days. Before, with the prometrium, I would start at an almost medium flow and that would last maybe a couple of days and then maybe a day of (brown) spotting and then done. I guess I just "feel" a little more normal...

So that's about it on the update with my body. I am really excited to officially "start" TTC again with this cycle. I hope that this excitement lasts and that the fear and anxieties that sometimes creep in, stay the heck away!

I was in adoration yesterday and so many of you bloggers came to mind. So without listing names and whatnot, just know that I prayed extra hard for many of you guys yesterday! I hope that this Saturday is finding everyone in high hopes!


"There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.” (Josh Groban)

PREGNANT!!!!!

No, not me...well, not that I know of anyways!

Actually, we found out yesterday that my big brother and SIL are expecting. Yeah, the ones that got married July 3rd.

Last month.

They weren't trying.

It just happened.

He called and told me and was so excited. I gave my best "I'm SO excited!!" self on the phone and told him I was so happy, etc...

Then I got off the phone and I broke down.

I am NOT sad that they are pregnant. That is a beautiful blessing and I am overjoyed for them.

I was sad for me. For my husband. We have been trying so hard for over 2.5 years and they weren't trying and got pregnant within the first few weeks of their marriage.

After I talked with my DH, he agreed that it was a joyful occasion, but that it was still a little hard to hear. We both agreed that we would pray for them and that everything would go smoothly with the pregnancy. Then my DH reminded me that our time would come. That we just had to keep on trusting.

We left shortly after that for dinner with his side of the family and as we drove there I asked God to please give my heart peace. I prayed that He would allow me to fully embrace and be happy for my brother and not have any pains or sorrows to muddy those joyful feelings.

Well, later in the night my BIL (he's in the seminary and he's great!) joked that it made sense that the oldest sibling would have the first child.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

My "ah-ha" moment that I had asked for.

The peace.

My brother had watched as I met my DH, fell in love, got engaged and then married. He then watched as our youngest brother met his now wife, fell in love, got engaged and then married. All before meeting his love.

We had many a talks during these times about how he desired so badly to meet his future wife. To fall in love, as both me and our younger brother had.

He had waited and trusted in God's will for his life. And a couple years ago, he met his now wife. Fell in love. And got married.

It's truly amazing when one's vocation is fulfilled.

So you know what...last night just a few short hours after my initial "why us, why is it so hard for us, poor us, etc..." my heart was OVER filled with JOY for my big brother. He deserves this so much. He waited and trusted in God's will for his life and now he's blessed with a little soul that will call him Dad.

I love the sound of that. My big brother being a Dad. He's going to rock it!

And you know what, I know that our time will come and it will be amazing.

So for now, I'm just sitting here and trusting God's will and hoping for some rain in this STINKIN' hot Texas weather...


"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies." (Mother Teresa)

Jeremiah

Yes, that's right...that's the pretty lady that I had the honored of praying for (like I mentioned last night!).

I already knew a bit about her when I was "assigned" her but I, like so many others, went and read more of her blog to sort of get to know her more.

She is a beautiful wife and a great mom! I remember reading about when she first got Tommy and I literally had tears in my eyes. And ever since Tommy has entered their lives, in EVERY SINGLE picture she has the biggest, most joyful smile ever. That's the thing that has stood out to me most...the pure joy in her smiles!

I prayed every single day for this woman and her special intentions. When I had my surgery and got out in way more pain than I had expected, I instantly thought of her and offered up my suffering for her intentions. There have been many a hard and not so great days since the start of the prayer buddy, but each time I instantly thought of her and her beautiful family and offered it up.

I know that it's going to be impossible NOT to continue to pray for her since I've been doing so every day, so it's safe to say, Jeremiah, that I will continue to do so!

Prayer buddy reveal:

I just got home from a pretty busy day but wanted to quickly post who I've been praying for! I'm doing this quickly tonight but am going to write a "real" post tomorrow with more details! :)

The lovely lady I was honored to get to pray for was:

JEREMIAH!!! :)

Post op appointment

We went down to S.Antonio yesterday for my post op appointment. She removed the stitches and we discussed the "plan."

I told her that last week I had seen an abundance of CM and that my nip.ples were sore and that had been cramping during that time also. She was quite excited to hear this. Especially since all these things haven't really happened to me before so it obviously shows that the surgery did something. She said, "great...start trying next month!"

I think at that point I probably turned a few different shades of red.

You see, we had already...dumdadumdumdummm...done it.

I think we both probably felt like kids getting caught with their hands in the cookie jar. But, we didn't mention it to her because she didn't ask.

We had joked, on the drive down, about who would tell her that we hadn't wait the two full recommended weeks. I felt fine and was missing my husband (the feeling was def. mutual!) and thought it would be fine. Everything is fine, I know that it's not that big of a deal but it sure felt like it for about a half a second sitting their in the doctor's office.

I have more to post about how AMAZING of a doctor she is but I'm rather tired and wanting to just veg out in front of the TV and watch the Ran.gers vs. Yanke.es...GO RAN.GERS!!! I'll definitely need to dedicate a whole post about her because she is that amazing.

Anyways, since living with my GM, I found a bag with some old pictures, report cards, school reports, etc... and I found one "book" that I wrote when I was 8...I was a book about "the best things," here's two pages I took pictures of:


My favorite part is that I misspelled "smart" REALLY big in the picture! ;) Oh yeah, and the part about being mothers...


You see, the desire to be a mother was with me even in the second grade...

"When I quote others I do so in order to express my own ideas more clearly." (Michel de Montaigne)

Quotes

I absolutely love reading a good quote, whether it be from a bible verse, a famous celebrity or a saint. It's truly amazing how God seems to "place" these quotes in my life during the exact time I need them. These two quotes are something that hit me hard today...I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed and anxious recently, so hearing these sort of hit the spot:

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."(Hebrews 11:1-2)

"Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things pass away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things.
He who has God
Finds he lacks nothing;
God alone suffices."
(St. Teresa of Avila)

I hope that everyone is having a good Sunday, anxious-less and filled with hope and excitement of what's to come...

So this is what fertile CM looks like?!

It is absolutely the craziest thing ever.

Not even two weeks after my surgery and here I am writing that I have seen some really good EWCM!!! The first time I saw it I almost fainted. It was crazy. That's all I can say. Before, when I have been charting, I have almost never seen it. If I had seen something it was a tid bit and not enough to write home about! I remember my SIL telling me what it looks like and how it's a whole freaking lot and you can tell when you see it. I didn't believe her, really I thought maybe she was being "dramatic"...ha, who am I kidding!

So far there's been some really great EWCM these last couple days along with some mild cramping and my nip.ples are sore...I don't know if it means that I am definitely ovulating or not but I'll take it. To me this is progress and I am so hopeful.

Well, we have settled in quite nicely at my gm's and next thing on my "to do list" is to find a job. I have a couple leads and we will see how that pans out.

Another completely different topic, my good friend and her husband just had baby boy number two (the first is only 18 months old) yesterday. I went up to visit her and he was sooo beautiful. There's really nothing like holding a new born baby to help de-stress and remember what truly matters in life. Then, right before I left they asked if I would be his Godmother...tears filled my eyes. They told me not to say yes right away but to go and think about it and pray about it. I knew instantly that I would say yes, but I agreed that praying wouldn't be a bad thing. On the drive home, it got me to thinking, I desire so much to be a mother to my own little soul(s) that I sometimes lose sight of the fact that I am the Godmother of 4, now 5 beautiful boys. I want to be a better person for them, I want to be a good example for them and even though I have failed at times, I know that ultimately, I want to be the best version of myself (thank you Matthew Kelly) for them. Call it practice for now, but something I realized was that these things I desire for my Godchildren are definitely things (amongst so many others) that I desire for my future children. It was quite a nice relation...


"I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be." (Anonymous)

Questions for those that have had surgery before...

I guess the title says it all, huh?! I just have a quick question before I have to run out and get some errands done (we are almost all settled in at my GM's house, house hunting with resume again next week after I'm feeling better.)

Of the ladies that have had surgery done, whether it be the ovarian drilling, wedge resection, removal of endometriosis, or anything "down there"...how long after before the spotting stopped? I had the surgery last Tuesday and I am still having some spotting, mostly brown. It's not a whole lot, but it's more than I have had before and although my doctor said it would occur, we never thought to ask how long.

Thanks ahead of time to anyone who can shed some light on this for me!

Easy does it...

I took it easy yesterday and didn't do that much. All I did do was step out for about 2 hours for a bridal shower for a good friend of mine. Her wedding is at the end of August and I am one of the bride's maids so I really wanted to go to this shower.

It really is amazing how stepping back and taking it easy helps. I feel so much better already! For example I woke up this morning on my side! :) I had only been able to sleep on my back since Tuesday and to wake up (and not be in pain) on my side, well...it was glorious!

On a completely different note, I have heard of two big annoucments the last couple of days regarding pregnancy...and I must say, I was beyond thrilled when I read that Mrs. Blondies received a BFP!!! I seriously smiled and laughed out loud when I read that. I am continuing to pray that everything goes well and that she is able to truly enjoy this moment right now! It gives me hope when yet another IFer gets pregnant...

With the other announcement my reaction was quite different. In fact, it was opposite, unfortuntately. My DH and I have some friends that have been married a little over 5 years and she told me last year their big plan coming up this year: travel to Europe, party and live it up one last summer and then in June come off BCP and get pregnant. Part of me hearing this was like, "you don't know...coming off BCP really messes up your cycle and it could take longer" and the other part thought well, it could happen.

And low and behold. Yesterday on FB there was her annoucement...We are pregnant and expecting in March. Her plan worked. I broke down in tears when I read that. Here I was hurting from the surgery and longing to concieve with every ounce of my being and then I thought about the wonderful bloggers who have been trying for so long and aching just as much for this and trying to stay faithful in the meantime. Then there's this couple who is on BCP, choose to wait for 5 years (she wanted to be closer to 30) and bam...they are pregnant the exact month they start "trying".

It's definitely bittersweet. Sweet because a human soul was created and that will always be a beautiful thing. Bitter because I don't understand how God can let so many good people suffer the cross of IF and allow others to concieve so easily.

I really try to not let myself think like this often, though, because I know God has grand plans for all of us. And I have seen first hand, from reading other blogger's stories, the joy that comes from waiting and finally receiving that child from God (whether from adoption or conception).

I know that IF has made a big part of who I am. I know that I have learned to trust God more and more and rely on my faith when I seem to be broken or at my lowest point.

I was so hopeful these last couple of days with knowing that big things could come for me and my DH from this surgery, and then to hear this FB anncoucement, well it brought me back to reality. This isn't easy. It was never meant to be easy.

But you know what, I refuse to let that bring me down. I refuse to let the devil cast any sort of doubt in my mind at this point because God has given us such a sense of peace and hope, that to start to doubt now, would to be say that we don't trust in His will...and we do!

So here I am:

Belly button hurting.

Heart full of hope.

Mind racing with the possibilities to come.

And trusting God throughout all the pain, happiness, laughter and tears.

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.(Ralph Waldo Emerson)