Sunday, September 26, 2010

Birthday week.

It's looking like I should ovulate later this week. And yes, it is looking like around/on my birthday this will happen. Oh great. Over analyzer me and my mind that doesn't seem to shush up for a moment has already started thinking "oh my goodness, what an amazing gift, what if I DO actually ovulate, what if we do conceive?, etc...". Yeah, it's really annoying to think about. To think about how this timing would seem so "perfect" and whatnot. I am trying my best not to think about it too much though because well, pretty much every time I think about the timing being perfect, it doesn't happen.

I really wish I could just STOP thinking about it. This is, in part, one of the reasons I have been down. I can't stop thinking about how badly I desire to be a mother. How badly I want my husband to be a father because he would make an amazing one. This pain is numbing. I want to be able to offer up, completely, this pain and this heart ache I feel. It's so stinkin' hard though. And, although I'm constantly praying, "YOUR will be done, I offer you my life and trust in Your Will" over and over, the pain is still there. It feels like I am still holding on to something. I don't know how to let go though. It feels like there's a thousand bricks weighing down on my chest. Why can't I just forget about it for just a day so that I can.just.breathe? Sometimes I don't feel like I am strong enough to handle this. I guess I have to pray for more strength and courage to be able to.

I know this much though, I am not giving up. I will continue to re-offer up this struggle and pain of IF to God each and every day. I WILL continue to trust throughout the pain. I will not let worry and fear over shadow the faith and hope I feel because I know that our time will come.

So yeah, it's the start of my birthday week (yes, I am a believer in birthday WEEKS!;)) and it stinks that I am feeling rather down. Here's hoping I can truly let go and let God.

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”(L.Armstrong)

11 comments:

  1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY WEEK!!! Enjoy it! And if you drink alcohol, drink some - it really helps with relaxing ;)

    I hope you feel better asap! Sending happy (and -ahem- fertile!!!) vibes your way!!!

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  2. You CAN handle this because God is giving it to you. And if you couldn't, he wouldn't.

    Happy Birthday Week!

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  3. I agree with Kaitlin, and I along with so many others are praying for you! Happy early birthday!

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  4. Mary-a margarita(s) should do the trick! ;)

    Thanks ladies, I was feeling rather crummy earlier but simply readying that y'all are praying...well, I'm feeling better already! THANKS! And you're right, God most def would not give me more than I can handle! I def need to remind myself of this!

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  5. I'm sorry for the added pressure and frustration. One moment at a time...

    I hope you have a good birthday week!!!

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  6. It's birthday week around here as well! I am really praying for you, sweetie! You just hang on and wait to see what gifts the Lord has in store for you! :)

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  7. Happy birthday week! Im praying for blessings for you!

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  8. Hello, I have been following you for a little while. I wanted to tell you about a book that I read that really has helped me through IF. It's called, "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. I am currently re-reading it =) Don't give up!

    ~Michelle

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  9. Hello, I have been following you for a little while. I wanted to tell you about a book that I read that really has helped me through IF. It's called, "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. I am currently re-reading it =) Don't give up!

    ~Michelle

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  10. Michelle-thanks, I def will check the book out, sounds perfect!!!! And if you are REreading it, it must be great!

    Girls-thanks for the bday week wishes! My actual bday is Saturday! I will say, a major plus of birthday weeks is that chocolate dipped cones=zero calories! ;)

    THANKS again for the prayers...they help out more than y'all could know and I'm beyond thankful for each and every one of them!

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Thank you so much for your comments...they mean more to me than you know!! :)