This month marks the 3 year mark of our "tcc journey" although we were never not trying...
At first I thought, "Ugh...anniversaries are suppose to be joyful and fun...not depressing and sad!"
But then I remembered that October 19, 2010 marked the one year anniversary of my grandfather's death and that did not make me feel too joyful nor like having fun.
So not all anniversaries are the good kind.
I know, I could look at the anniversary of my grandpa's death as a joyful occasion because he was such a good man, that I know he's in heaven.
That part I get.
The missing him part, not so much.
And I know I could even stretch the idea that this TTC anniversary is maybe not terrible because we've made so much progress (with getting diagnosed, finding good doctors, surgery, etc...).
But really it's hard to see that clearly when you are sitting amongst the sea of pregnancy announcements and glowing women. Grr.
Which leads me to this bitterness.
I've had issues with being bitter pretty much the whole time of this IF journey. I've prayed to God and begged him to help us to conceive and if that this month wasn't the month, then please don't let bitterness take over my heart and soul.
But from time to time, it creeps in...
Bitterness at the person who got pregnant without trying.
Bitterness at the person who got pregnant while trying.
And I hate that I feel these things.
I want to be truly be happy for my friends and family who get pregnant right when they want.
Because I don't want them to feel the emptiness inside that IF causes.
Is there any way to be truly happy for those around you when you are in a constant struggle?
I pray for there to be a way.
And I know God will continue to give me strength.
But some days are harder than others.
Like today...our "anniversary"...
and another F.book announcement...
and my heart still hurting a bit after the disappointing results yesterday...
Yup, it sucks.
But, I am so beyond grateful that more times than not I am full of hope and joy and eagerness for the future.
I'm glad that I don't always feel the way I feel today.
I'd so much rather be blissfully hopeful.
So tonight, I'm offering up these feelings for all of you girls. I pray that my suffering can help at least one you girlss in your journey-whether it be IF related or not.
"Hurt leads to bitterness, bitterness to anger, travel too far that road and the way is lost."
I think you've very well described the fundamental struggle of IF. The two choice are hope or don't hope...and both are painful.
ReplyDeleteI met with my spiritual director this evening, and we discussed this subject a lot. We talked about the idea of hope and at what point hope becomes unhealthy, if it ever does. We talked about all the things that I already know about my faith and what I would someone else in my shoes if the roles were reversed. While I already know these things, it's so helpful to hear them from someone else, sometimes more often than not; sometimes I just need help believe and trusting in God's plan. Rationale kicks my emotions in the pants sometimes, which always reignites that hope engine for me. We also discussed being happy for others when I hear their wonderful family expansion news, not letting jealousy or envy overtake me. It's definitely a prayer about which I need to be persistent!
ReplyDeleteAnniversaries, particularly those related to IF are always hard.
ReplyDeletePraying for you!
Oh, I struggle with bitterness so much. It's so hard for me not to let my heart be hardened. :( I'm sorry today's your anniversary.
ReplyDeleteOh the waiting and the anniversaries...so painful. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteOh honey I am so sorry. Praying for you and peace in your heart. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI am a Catholic and after secondary IF used IVF as the method to add twins to our family. I consider them a blessing and gift from God. Please tell me in a just a few sentances why Catholics should not use the IF help that is available. I just don't get it.
ReplyDeleteAll understood and very well put. One thing that has helped me is the focus of God's plan in all our lives. I can't help out the fact that my friend got pregnant and I didn't. That was God's plan for her...not me..yet. In choosing to be bitter toward her, I am being bitter towards God. I am telling him that HIS plan is not worthy...in my life or in others. This has helped me refocus my thoughts when I hear announcements. Of course, I still have that lingering thought of "I wish" in my head, but I remind myself that this is God's plan in their lives and I am not going to judge his plan. Just a thought...I'm still working on it!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I am going to assume that your inquiry is sincere even though I'm not sure your timing is the best considering the nature of this post.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your twins. No Catholic who truly understands the Church's teaching would ever disagree that your babies are a gift from God and loved by Him. We just have to disagree with the method of their conception.
Please check out the following link for a very good explanation of the Catholic Church's teaching.
http://littlecatholicbubble.blogspot.com/2010/10/one-more-ivf-post-blame-fr-tad-brainiac.html
FMTP, this post made my heart ache for you. You are in my prayers, and I am still holding out hope!
I'm so sorry. January is also my 3 yr "anniversary date" for beginning to see docots. (I had 2 m/c under my belt by then). It's so difficult and puts such a damper on your whole outlook for the year. Keep pushing forward and know we are here for you.
ReplyDeletePraying for you. Sorry about the crappy 3 year anniversary. I definitely get the feeling of bitterness.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard and hopefully, the journey is close to moving in a NEW direction (I have great amounts of hope for you for this cycle). But prayers regardless!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for the suffering and bitterness... I have hope for you, too!! Your time is coming....
ReplyDeleteHoping and praying for you.....
ReplyDeleteKate
"Is there any way to be truly happy for those around you when you are in a constant struggle?"
ReplyDeleteOH MY GOSH. You don't know what a relief it is to hear someone else say this. If you find the answer, send it my way! I'm very much struggling with the bitterness issue, even though I know in my heart that there is a Master Plan!
Sounds like we're going through a lot of the same trials. I'll be checking in on you!
Thank you for sharing. We're coming up on 3 years of ttc and I needed to hear that I wasn't alone in asking God to lift these bitter feelings.
ReplyDeleteI also find it so hard to remain faithful in Gods plan with IF. it is coming up to 3 years for us as well and I just feel so horrible.
ReplyDeleteSo many of my friends are annoucing there pregnancies and I really try and be happy for them..all smiles.
But this eats me up so much as we have been married at the same time and they didnt even have to try too hard.
I really want to have faith in Gods plan, but it is difficult.
Sometimes I find myself thinking...we have done so much service for you lord, why have you done this to us.
Dipti-I'm so sorry to hear that your anniversary is coming up. I'll pray that you continue to trust God's will...especially in the midst of the really difficult times. Also, I tried to click on your profile to read your blog but I can't find it-is it private?
ReplyDelete