"The" Shower.

Saturday was "The" Shower. I woke up early filled with nervousness and worry.

I wanted it to be special.
I wanted to not feel sad, bitterness or pain because it wasn't my shower.

And in a nutshell....it was just that: special and my nerves stayed away!

I was so distracted getting everything prepared and visiting that I didn't even have time to worry too much.

There were a couple times where I was sitting at a table and one of my aunts wouldn't stop talking about the joys of pregnancy/motherhood and what she experienced, etc... Like, she really wouldn't talk about anything else...I'm fairly certain I rolled my eyes and then told myself to "just walk away" because it had the potential of bringing up some rather painful emotions.

So I walked away and distracted myself with hostessing and with cuddling with my youngest godson.

And it actually worked! The painful emotions stayed away. Phew.

All in all it was a wonderful day:
The company was good.
The food delicious.
The decorations were cute.
The weather was gorgeous.
And most importantly, my SIL loved it.

Here's some pictures:



I loooove this new scent from bath and body works but didn't like that the candle didn't match the decor, so I covered it with paper and stickers:



Here's the tissue paper pompoms that we made to hang around to add a little pop of color and fun:






Here's the wooden letters i made along with a banner (it said "baby boy") to hang from the mantle:



And I had a clothesline to hang onesies (another cheap/fun way to decorate) on...here's the clothespins I glued little stars, moons and rockets on:






A close up of two of the onesies I made for the clothesline:






In the front hall, we had an autograph mat for people to leave words of support for the new growing family.



And thankfully the weather was perfect so we had tables and chairs outside. Seeing the little kids run and play in the backyard melted my heart-I can't wait for our kids to play out there:



Speaking of kids, I went to the dollar store and put together a bucket with chalk, bubbles, balls, etc for the kids to play with. Our patio still has the fun drawings...another sight that melts my heart:



The day was great! I know that God granted me the strength to be able to pull off the shower and especially that my emotions were kept at bay.

So that's that. Here's to hoping/praying/believing that one day I'll get to be on the receiving end of a baby shower.


"So do not worry about tomorrow: tomorrow will take care of itself."(Mt.6:34)

The perfect Sunday night with my one and only

It's a "Texas-back porch sitting -wine and coors drinking -Elv.is pan.dora listening-amazing conversations happening-storm in the far distance a'coming (the lightning, trickles of rain on the covered patio and windy gushes are awesome!)" kinda night...

Amazing night that is.

I'll update about the shower tomorrow-it went great by the way.

Tomorrow's the day!

I've been working my booty off planning and coordinating tomorrow's baby shower for my SIL...the one who was blessed to conceive just a few short weeks after she married my brother this past July.

I was a bit hesitant to offer to throw the shower because I wasn't sure if I would be strong enough to handle it. But through prayer and talking it out with my husband, I decided I could and I would coordinate this special event....

Because I would want someone to take the time and effort into planning my, by the grace of God, baby shower one day.

I am such an odd ball-maybe it's all IFers or maybe it's just me-but I'm emotionally invested into this shower. I want it to be special.

So special because it celebrates the joyful anticipation of a miracle.

And even though they "weren't trying"...this little being is a miracle and is forever a part of our family.

And that's why I want it to be special...

Handmade decorations.
Cleaning the house from corner to corner.
Coordinating with other family members about what they can do.
Etc...

Because that's what I would want if I were the one pregnant.

....

Tonight I'm anxious. I've been so strong and hadn't really thought about what I was getting myself into...

I can't run away to the bathroom and cry if the baby talk gets to be too much.

I'm hosting this event at my house.

I can't simply find another person to talk to about something other than baby stuff with.

We're going to be at a baby shower.

If I feel like I'm am not strong enough and want to seek the comfort from my husband-a simple hand squeeze reminding me I am indeed strong enough, I can't.

Because well, I'm at a baby shower and the only "men" here are all under the age of 4.

But I'm still so excited, through the nerves, because we are celebrating a new life.

I will be strong.
Please dear God, help me to be strong.
I will smile and be happy for my SIL.
Please dear God don't let any emotions of sadness or hurt show on my face-if they decide to show up tomorrow.

So, as of right now I'm anxious but I'm hoping it's more because of the whole wanting everything to be special and fun and not because the cross of IF is feeling especially heavy at this moment.

I am super excited though because the decorations are looking cute and I made some cute onesies to hang on a clothesline for more decoration fun. My other SIL is bringing flowers and some other handmade decorations, my aunt bought a fun cake from her local bakery and my Gm is making yummy food to share. I'll post pictures after the shower!

Until then, I'm off to finish last minute things before bed. If you think of me tomorrow, please offer up a prayer that everything goes well and that I'm able to carry that IF cross without stumbling [too much]...

"One must be fond of people and trust them if one is not to make a mess of life.(E.M. Forster)

FYI

My least favorite load of laundry to fold is the whites...with the one billion and three socks because 1) there's a billion and three socks to fold (weird when there's just the two of us) and 2)there's always one missing.

That is all.

P.s. Y'all are all in my prayers-prayers of a grateful heart because of your support.

"Never bear more than one kind of trouble at a time. Some people bear three - all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have".(Edward Everett Hale)

"Miracles [to some] are simple...belief is hard"

After not falling asleep until 530ish...I woke up this morning feeling all out of sorts.

Anxiety had completely filled my being.

Worries about fertility.
Worries about financial stuff.
Worries about my spiritual life.
Worries about...
Worries.

I sat in bed and prayed that God world please grant me some sort of peace of mind, heart and soul.

I prayed and prayed and vowed today I wouldn't let anxiety and worry dominate over me.

So...my dh and I washed the car together and enjoyed the beautiful Texas weather, together.

And this helped.

We then went on a run together.
Well, with the crazy 6 month old lab-which will not happen again because he's too spazzy at this point. That and my body was struggling with the run alone- since it had been far too long since I've run-and crazy pup made it more difficult.

That helped lift my spirits even more. I mean, hello endorphins!

Then I showered and did a little crafting before we got ready for adoration.

Crafting always helps a bit.

Then on our way to adoration we decided to do Day 2 of the St. Damien novena. [Side note-my big brother is awesome and decided that him, my SIL, my husband and I and my little brother and his wife would all pray this together starting yesterday...praying for us to conceive and also for my little bro and his wife who are trying also].
Reading day two brought me to tears...God was speaking directly to me through this novena...the words are exactly what I needed to hear to help me continue to get out of my funk. These are the words that spoke directly to my weary (but mending!) heart:

"...I humbly ask that in addition to the particular grace that I ask in this Novena, you would grant me the favor of never becoming discouraged in the adversities of this life. May I always be encouraged by heavenly hope that I might always live confidently in your merciful love."

Exactly what I needed to hear-God's good like that.

Then we went to adoration. I was feeling a renewed sense of hope and a wave of comfort. As I was reading a book from the chapel and a line was highlighted in the middle of the page:

"Miracles [to some] are simple. Belief is hard."

The quote spoke to me and I truly felt that at that moment God was telling me to believe...to have confidence.

So I found myself re-offering up all my anxieties and worry to God.

And for the first time in quite while I felt ok.

So, it was a good day. I had not only physically worked out but i feel as though i had emotionally, mentally and spiritually "worked out" as well.

And boy oh boy did I need this day.

Thank you Lord.

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."(Albert Einstein)

One way to get my mind on something else....

Apparently, me watching Crim.inal Mi.nds before bed will have me waking in the middle of the night with my heart racing and mind thinking of well...criminals.

LOVE the show.

Definitely don't love waking up feeling all nervous and anxious.

Goodness...my nerves are getting the best of me! I've never had issues with watching any sort of scary show or law show before.

I guess until now.

No more of that! I'd rather wake worrying about IF issues than wake panicked about criminal issues!

Ha...does this post make any sense?! Heck, it's 4:38 am and I couldn't fall back asleep and so I thought, "Why not blog about it?!"

I think I'm losing my mind...

I need a vacation from my thoughts!

Goodnight and [hopefully] sweet dreams...

Overwhelmed.

My funk has continued to stay around and I can't seem to shake the empty feeling the has consumed my soul since cd1 started.

All I wish was that I could take a true vacation from the worries that come along with IF.

Crafting helps.

But only temporarily.

Hanging out with friends helps.

But only temporarily.

Watching a good movie helps.

But only...

Well, you get the idea!

I just wish I was able to truly relax and enjoy a month where I'm not IF-crazed. Please, God.

On a side note, this month looks like it's another "off" month because my doctor's office was closed by the time I tried call them-before the weekend and Monday will be CD5...too late to start up the clomid challenge and monitoring again.

Hmm...maybe it'll force me not to think about things.

Right...just like last month. The disappointment was still there after "not thinking about fertility and babies and charting and medicine..." and so I doubt this cycle will be any different....

BUT...

I'll still try.

I'll still hope.

I'm ending with a quote from the Former First Lady, Laura Bush, it definitely describes the pain of IF...

"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?".” (Laura Bush)

(finally)CD1 **update with craft picture

I'm not disappointed...

Well, maybe a bit. Really, I'm just thankful it started on it's own without the help of meds.

Looking at the bright side of things...

I tested the other day and since it was negative, I hoped and prayed AF would start already. I was so nervous that my body was going back in time to when I wasn't regular.

I'm guessing it was a long cycle this time because (maybe) since I had been taking clomid the past few months and then nothing this month, my body just got confused.

Tonight is a crafting night sort of night...I'll post pictures later of the things I make.

Thanks for the prayers, they helped me calm down. If y'all don't mind, please continue to pray for me in regards to my friend's pregnancy announcement. That bitterness is sneaking back in again...

"Wherever you are...be all there."


**the headband I made tonight...

I don't want to be disappointed...

Today I am CD35.
16DP(alleged)O.

I'm so confused as to why my cycle is this long this month...especially after our "relaxing" month.

I wasn't even suppose to worry because there wasn't even suppose to be any chance this month since I wouldn't be getting home until later in my cycle.

Yet here I am. Another beautiful and gorgeous day out...and no bleeding-I write so eloquently, don't I?!

Confusion out the you know what.

I tested probably last Thursday night (or was it Wednesday?!)-which was negative.

I didn't even cry though because once again, last month wasn't suppose to even really be a trying month. I just threw that [dumb] negative pregnancy test away and counted my blessings and began to anticipate AF's arrival.

I've been honing in on every cramp thinking, "These are definitely period cramps!"

But they go away and I just sit and wait.

Then waking up this morning-still anticipating AF's arrival-she hasn't made her grand entrance.

Here's my predicament:
-although this is my longest cycle in a long time, maybe a year, I have PCOS and so long cycles are expected-heck I use to have them all the time...which means a lot of hopeful POAS incidents where I was left disappointed.
-I wasn't monitored last month nor was I taking any medication and for me no medication equals no ovulation (usually) which means there's no way to know unless I have those sonos.
-I don't want to be disappointed again.

I really don't.

Like really, really, really do not want to be disappointed.

So instead of just taking a test and knowing, I'd rather be confused and anticipate AF's arrival?

Who am I?!

In the past I would jump at the opportunity to be a day "late" so I could joyfully test...

Only to be disappointed because like all IF girls know-a late period does not mean your pregnant.

Bottom line, I have already offered this cycle up to God and continue to trust in him and his timing (no matter how hard that can be at times) and so I am just sitting and waiting for AF to come...

Debating whether or not to even test.

How did I go from blissfully enjoying the month off to, "oh my, was that good CM?! Oh my goodness why am I so late?! Is there a chance?!"

And the cherry on top of all this anticipation? My gf, who's wedding I was in this past October just told me today they're expecting.

Not.
Going.
To.
Cry.

I need to be strong and happy for them.

Strong and happy and anxiously waiting and nervous and confused.

I need prayers girls.
I'm a ball of hot mess over here and it ain't pretty.

Thanks in advanced...

Beautiful weather

This Sunday has been great so far:

-the weather is gorgeous!!!
-AF hasn't come even though I've had some cramping the last couple days. [I think I'm 14 dpo (give or take) passed alleged ovulation...strong emphasis on alleged since I wasn't monitored this cycle..grr pcos].
-I got to see some of my nieces and nephews yesterday-there was some serious baby snuggling time with my 5 month old niece.
-my husband's weekend starts today!!! :)

There's been some down moments these last few days, however I'm trying to focus on the blessings...no matter how big or how small they are.

“May your days be many and your troubles be few. May all God's blessings descend upon you. May peace be within you may your heart be strong. May you find what you're seeking wherever you roam.”(Irish blessing)

Even if I'm not thinking about fertility....

...I still manage to think about fertility!

Grr.

Seriously, this was suppose to be an off month. A month to relax and not think about fertility.at.all.

No medicines.

No shots.

No blood work.

No sonograms.

No charting.

No counting days obsessively.

Just "relaxing."

Not for this chick though.

The girl who over analyzes everything.

The girl who constantly has hope tucked away in her heart.

The girl who can somehow know exactly what day she is in her cycle without checking.

You see, while I was in Maryland for 11 days, I knew I couldn't go to the doctor and "use" this cycle because I wouldn't be getting home until CD16.

So, without the help of medicines and doctor's appointments, we knew this cycle would be a "relaxing, don't think about it-taking time off" cycle because it's been over 3 years of TTC and I need the help of all those things I listed above, that we weren't doing this cycle.

And to be honest. I actually was doing a great job of not thinking about things- although there have definitely been a few days here and there where I thought about it.

Until yesterday, when I woke up to, "Today is CD27 and even though I wasn't checking every time I went to the bathroom, I remembered seeing some pretty decent CM a few days after I got back which would mean it's almost been a week and a half since then and well...".

Oh boy, how my thoughts exhaust me.

I wish they would just, "SHUT IT" at times.

But then my husband shared his dream from that night: his first ever dream about us being at the hospital right after giving birth to our baby girl.

I, too have only ever had one dream about us having a baby (and I dream all the time), which I had a few months ago (best dream, hands down!) and it was with a sweet baby girl who had my Dh's ears!

So, here I am realistically thinking that this month's chances are slim but still somehow thinking, "well...maybe...you never know...God works miracles everyday."

P.S a huge CONGRATULATIONS to Kaitlin on the birth of Hannah Rose!!!

"Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?(Winnie the Pooh)

Invites done!

Today marks day 4 of being stuck inside, however, today instead of just ice we have...
Lots of snow!!! It's so beautiful!!

The snow started last night and has continued into today!

It's probably going to be our last day stuck in because tomorrows high should be in the 40's!

Thankfully, I've been busy making the shower invites for my SIL's baby shower and so I haven't gone all "redrum, redrum!!" Get it...The Shining! ;)

Anyways, I got a bit over zealous and when I cut out one star I sort of forgot that I'd have to do it 12 more times! But, like I said it was good and kept me busy and kept me from going crazy!!

Here's some pictures:
They turned out close enough to what I had in mind. Granted, if we had our printer working I would have printed the invites but all in all, I'm happy with the results!

Now...on to the decoration side of the party! My other SIL is going to help me so I'm just going to search for the ideas now!

"Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live."

This southern girl can't take it...

Cabin fever.

Seriously!

Day 2 of too much ice on the road to get out.

Tomorrow will most likely be day 3.

Wahoo.

The not being able to get out is driving me crazy.

I was going to drive to Wal.mart earlier...it's only a few minutes down the road. I thought, "Why not?! If I go slow and steady then I'll be able to get a movie, snacks, wine.." You know, the basic winter survival tools!! ;)

But I'm smart so I went to check out the driveway. If it wasn't so bad then I'd go. So I went to check it out and almost slipped on my face.

Needless to say I did not go.

The only thing keeping me sane is that my dh is here with me.

Until tonight, then even he will be out! Police officers work no matter what.

What's a southern girl to do?

I give major props to you ladies that experience being trapped inside because of ice and snow.

Winter storm: 2
FMTP: 0


"Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."(Robert Byrne)

It's snoooowing!!

Holy cow!!
How is it that I was over in Maryland for over 10 days and didn't see this much snow?!

Go Texas...70+ last week and below freezing with lots of snow this week!!

Ok, ok...I'm sure y'all aren't interested so much in a weather update since it's been so long since an actual update!

Here's what's been going in a nut shell:

-The March for Life in D.C was overwhelmingly Amazing. Notice I said 'amazing' with capital A because it was truly a wonderful experience. One of my favorite signs was being held by a ridiculously cute 10 or so year old...it said, "if it's not a baby, then you're not pregnant!" Although it was such a great time, I missed my dh beyond words!! I was that girl who literally ran through the airport to his arms. :) It's good to be home.

-IF didn't consume my thoughts or days while I was on vacation- it was so refreshing. I'm back to reality now and although I know when CD1 creeps up I'll have to call the doctor and start back up with the doctors appointments, blood work, sonograms and medicine... I'm just praying that I remain relaxed, confident and hopeful.

-This week I'm getting started on planning my SIL's baby shower for the last Saturday this month. I'm not going to lie, I had to really pray about whether or not I was emotionally strong enough to be the one to plan this shower...but, after lots of praying and thinking about it, I called her and let her know! I also asked my Gm, SIL and aunt to help. I'm excited about the planning part-I want it to be special-I'm making the decorations and invites! I'll post pictures as I go along. If any of y'all have fun crafty blogs with baby shower ideas...let me know! I'm doing a space like theme, since that's the bedding they picked out from Tar.get. I saw these cute ideas off one blog and so that's how I decided:
Lastly, super bowl is literally taking over our city!! My husband has 3 part times (he's a police officer) so the money will be awesome but the extra time a part not so much. On a side note, I read in the paper that aside from needing X amount of extra officers, workers, etc...but the thing that caught my eye was that they said the Dfw area would need an extra 10,000 strip.pers to accommodate all the out of town-ers. Gross.

Anyways, that's what's been going on over here...I'm looking forward to regularly posting and commenting and also responding to emails!

You girls are great and have been in my prayers!!!

"I love you to the moon and back..."