Mommyhood up to now...

I can still remember those last few weeks leading up to F's big arrival.  I wanted to meet her so badly that it seemed that each day was longer than the last, like time was going at a slow crawl.

Then her arrival and what a whirlwind of an experience.  Talk about FLYING by...there are many days I wish I could go back to those weeks leading up to her birth.  I would probably try and soak them in a bit more if I could.  But, I don't seem to have that superhero power and so I will just try to live in the moment now.

For these first 5 and half months of her life there have been so many highs and so many lows.  Many days I joke I feel like I am just as clueless as the day before.  And then I have days where I feel like I am rocking and a rolling at the whole being a mama.

All in all the first months were filled with a lot of moments/times/events that  I hadn't prepared for.  Sure there was the exhaustion, the clueless-ness, etc...but mixed in to that was also: Baby blues.  Oh baby blues...I thought surely many times that I had PPD because there were so many evenings that I would simply cry and cry and cry and look at this beautiful baby and wonder if I truly loved her enough...if I was good enough...If I would ever be ok with loosing my freedom...if she would ever love me...if my husband would love her more...if my struggle with IF was because I wasn't suppose to be a mother.  Thankfully, this only lasted a few weeks and the uncontrollable crying stopped and I realized that my hormones were messing with me oh so  badly. And then the exhaustion hit in and it was something that I had heard about but was much harder than I anticipated-something that as cliche as it sounds, I didn't quite get until I was living it myself. And there were many more things but honestly, I am sure I would sound like any other new mom out there...so I'll just stop at those.

Here I am now, with an almost 6 month old who we waited nearly 5 years for, and I am still in awe that she is my daughter.  There are many mornings where I wake up at "too early" o'clock and drag my feet into her room and pick her up and do our little morning routine all the while thinking about what I would give for just a little bit more sleep.  But then there are mornings where I wake up at the all too familiar "too early" o'clock and tip toe into her room and look at her and nearly break down in tears that she is actually ours.

Something new that has been happening lately?  She recognizes me!  There will be times when others are holding her and she sees me and whimpers...she locks eyes with me and wants only me.  And when I grab her she locks her little dimpled arms around me and kisses (okay, more like sucks but whatever) my neck and I melt...and think about how all those moments where I wasn't so sure...when I was scared...when I felt like I gave so much and got nothing in return...but then, it seems that all of a sudden...I got something back.

That little whimper for me.
That little hug.
That little slobber kiss.
That recognition that I am her mama.

So worth the wait...the wait through the difficult first few months...through the difficult moments even now.

Worth the wait just like she was worth the wait through all those months of BFNs, injections, medicines, crazy hormones, feeling left out...

It's all worth it.
So very worth it.

(Here's a new trick of Faith's...her little ham it up smile! Thank you Aunt E for capturing this one!)

"Make this moment count."

And the winner is...

I did a random number generator thing I found online and the magic number was...

Commenter #12...January @ Women for All Seasons!! You were the last to comment but the first to get picked! Yay! :)

Congrats!

Email me your address and ill ship them out to you later this week!

Last chance!

If you want to win some headbands don't forget to go and Comment on my last post!!

Good luck y'all! :)

Drawing will be on Wednesday!

Giveaway: baby headbands!

Hey y'all! So I've ordered from this website called Bitsy Bands about 3 times now and every time I love the flowers and the elastic is super soft!

The best part...the price! Everything is so cheap, even with shipping, so I've been able to make F's headbands for $1.50 or less!

I got my order delivered today and was so excited to make F some new headbands-and when I got started I realized I ordered double of some of the flowers...which means I want to give away 5 headbands! The size I made (going off a chart I found online) says it should fit newborn-9 months or bigger (since its elastic).

Here's the five headbands you can winAnd just to have an idea what they look like on, I had a beautiful model to show them of offSomone is teething it seems so she's not as eager to smile for the camera! :/ Still beautiful though! :)

If anyone wants them all you have to do is comment...even if it's just a hello! I'm thinking maybe ill learn of some readers out there I didn't know about!

Like I said, I didn't need double of these so I'm giving them away-my first ever giveaway-so I am hoping at least one person wants them!

(Bitsy bands is an awesome website but are not involved in this giveaway...it's all me since I got order happy the last time!)

5 months which is almost a half of a year which means we are getting close to one!

Okay, so I am not that crazy thinking that she is almost one...but I will say that I am absolutely shocked at how quickly this time is going.

Oh how the struggle with IF had the days/weeks/months/years feeling like they were dragging by...so slowly...so painfully.

Then when I was pregnant, it seemed that some days dragged by but overall it FLEW by.

And of course, now, holding my 5 month old, I'm still in awe at just how fast it's going.

She's such a beautiful gift and I can't help but stare at her and thank the Lord for her.

One of my favorite times of the day is when I'm nursing her before laying her down for the night.  I've implemented a rule for that time: no cell phone.  I use to bring my phone into her room and browse on it while nursing her, before putting her down for the night, but then I think it just hit me...this time was precious and I was never going to be able to get it back.  So out with the phone and in with back scratches, lullabies, and prayers.

My favorite time.

Oh that and when I go and get her first thing in the morning and she gives me the biggest smile and starts kicking her legs with excitement.

My favorite time.

Oh, I also love when she puts her little arms around my neck and buries her sweet little face in my neck.

My favorite time.

Too many favorite times really.

Just trying to soak them all up.

One frustration however, is that I have some people (people who know we struggled) asking if we "plan" on having more and if so, telling us that we should wait and space them out.

*Rolls eyes.

Listen up people, something my dh and I learned a LONG time ago is that we are not in control of our fertility-God is.  Sure, if I could "plan" our next child (God willing we have another) I would love to be pregnant by the end of the year-regardless of the advice we've been given to wait and space them out.  But like I said, all we can do at this point is cherish our time with F and pray that one day we have more.  Until then though I'm going to try my best now to not dwell on the what ifs and fear of the future because nothing good comes from that.  It's hard, not going to lie, but overall I think I'm doing an ok job not worrying about what the future holds at this point-prayer has helped with that.

Anyways, these days with my now 5 month old are filled with exhaustion, laughter, blessings and lots of learning/growing moments.

So blessed to call this little 5 month old my daughter...

"Worry is a total waste of time. It doesn't change anything. All is does it steal your joy and keep you very busy doing nothing."

HB 2...

...fights for those who cannot fight for themselves.

[Just one of the many traits she's carried over from the womb].

HB 2 passed which means:

PRAISE THE LORD!!!!

Proud to be a Texan!!!!!!!!!!

"A person's a person no matter how small"

The lucky one.

I posted about this yesterday on my FB but it's too crazy not to post here also!

Yesterday, before heading out to run errands, I couldn't find our main keys (the ones with EVERY important key!) and since it was inching closer to little ones bedtime, I grabbed the spares and off I went to run my errands.

After getting to the first stop, I went to the trunk to get the baby carrier and low and behold, this is what I see...

I couldn't believe it! It wasn't like I went right down the street-there were definite turns, especially the sharp left that happened (while speeding up to catch the light) that surely would have those keys flying!

I definitely felt like a lucky one yesterday.

Now...maybe I should go and buy a lottery ticket...if I win I'll split the pot! ;)

Working out

First off, thanks for all the feed back in my last post. That is one thing I absolutely love about this blogging community, you can write about something, feeling a little like you're the only one experiencing certain feelings, and then you get feed back from others (going through different walks of life even) and realize you are most definitely not alone! So thanks for all the comments!

Moving on to today, because I did something I haven't done in close to 2 years and wanted to share...

I ran a mile.

Go me go.

I've been doing the elliptical on and off and walking on the tread mill but tonight-after too much talk of wanting to start running again-I ran.

I stepped on the tread mill and started walking...then decided to just do it *insert cheesy Nike commercial here.

I ran that mile and I didn't die or even feel like I was going to die.

I've been thinking about my working out/getting back in shape a lot lately. If only I would have put as much effort in to actually working out as I did thinking about it I'd probably be well on my way to feeling pretty dern good about myself.

But I'm so not there-sure ive lost some weight but nothing to really write home about. I know I'm not the first person who has a baby and then has trouble with her body image-mix that with guilt of even feeling bad about how I look because I know why my body looks the way it does...my sweet miracle...and well, lets just say I've been a bit of disaster here and there! My goodness though, that's another post for another day...

No more excuses like: I just had a baby...but I breast feed....but I really like wine...but I really like beer...but I really like French fries...but my toe hurts...but my sport bra doesn't work because my boo.bs are ginormous from breast feeding...but I'm tired...but I need to catch up on my shows...

So I'm starting to run again!

And like I've said, I'm already one mile into this journey...

Which by the way is one mile more than yesterday! ;)

I've found that whenever I'm working out music is so very important and can at times make or break my mood, so I need y'all's help with that! What is your favorite songs that motivate y'all? Please help me put together a new play list because my old one isn't cutting it (hence why Ive been using Pandora!) and needs to be updated soooo bad...

See? It's a really crappy play list that hasnt been updates in years it seems! So, what are y'all's favorite songs to listen to? I'm really excited about putting together a new playlist that will hopefully motivate me and keep me going while I'm working out!!

A Nike tumblr seemed like the only appropriate way to end this post! ;)

Guilt.

I find myself feeling guilty quite often these days.  It seems that struggling for years with IF, then crossing over, has left me with this.

For example, some days are hard-especially the first 3 months.  I would find myself so completely overwhelmed with: cluelessness, fear of the unknown, exhaustion, thoughts of losing my independence, body image issues, etc...

And every time I would feel these things, I would immediately feel this tremendous amount of guilt.  Guilt because I knew there were still so many begging God to be exactly where I was.  Guilt because I remembered just how many tears I cried begging to be where I was.

After 3 months, things started to get a bit "easier" and I started feeling more confident in my ability of being a mama.  However, there are still days (like today for example) that are so very hard and tiring.  And I find that that guilt creeps back in.  So on top of feeling overwhelmed by a not so great day, I have this guilt weighing on my chest.  It wasn't until recently though, that I realized I need to let go of that guilt and simply admit that things are going to be hard at times.  

I sure wish it was that easy, to simply let go, but I think realizing that I need to let go is the first step in moving forward.

I love being her mama more than I could ever explain with mere words.  Most days I feel like my heart could burst with joy and love for her.  But then, those not so great days creep in and that guilt builds up and I feel so very overwhelmed.  Something I've decided to do, when that guilt creeps in, is that I'm going to offer up my hard day, my lack of sleep, etc...for anyone out there who is feeling hopeless...for those who aren't sure of where God is leading them...for all those who are still waiting.

Offering it up for others.  That's what I will do because hanging on to guilt over something I have no control over is not going to help anyone.  But offering up prayers for others will hopefully make a difference in someone's life.

(Image courtesy of Pinterest)