Follicle #2, hope, prayer buddy reveal

We've been so busy with Christmas fun-family in town, lots of food and plenty of laughter. I haven't blogged since my bummer of a post last week and things have changed since then...

My follicle check number two happened on Monday. And to be honest, I had already checked out this cycle. I had planned NOT to go in and have the same thing happen again and be disappointed. Emotionally I couldn't take it. Spiritually I was overwhelmed.

That's right...so I decided to not go.

Well, then Monday morning came and I shot up-wide awake and feeling that I would be more disappointed for not going than whatever they would (or wouldn't) see.

So I went.

And boy was I SHOCKED.

They found a good, mature follicle...23mm!!!

I wasn't expecting anything. I prayed my rosary on the way there and asked for strength.

Little did I know that my dinky little ovaries would actually be doing their job!

In aaaaaall the months pre-surgery that I had gone in for a follicle check, I never saw anything worth writing home about! Well, except for a year ago...they found one that was decent and I got the shot but, that was when I was on waaay more meds/shots.

This time I was only on clomid and metformin.

So I got the shot and walked to my car, jaw still dropped open in shock, goosebumps up and down my arms, heart racing, bum hurting (from the shot), smiling like a fool...

I called my dh and he was so excited and just as shocked. We're just not quite use to hearing good news in regards to fertility.

So there is hope this cycle.

Oh me oh my.

Hope.

I cling to that because at times, it's all I got. I've actually been told that I have too much hope.

Too much hope?

Is that possible?

According to a couple people I've talked too-yes it is possible. Apparently, I should be more realistic and that way I don't get so hurt or burned.

But you know what? I don't care! I'll take my excessive amount of hope and go with it.

Will I get burned and crash hard when things don't quite go as expected?

Yes.

But...boy oh boy do those shining moments of good news bring pure and utter JOY to my heart.

So I'll take the hope!

Screw being "realistic!" ;)

Ok, I have so much more I want to catch up on, but I'm running out of time so I'll have to post about Christmas later.

But before I go, I wanted to announce who I was praying for!!
GOD ALONE SUFFICES!! :) I was beyond honor to get to pray for her and offer the good and not so good times for her and her husband!! And I sent an email to let her know so hopefully she got it! I'm working on a little something to send her but it's a surprise so enough talk about that! ;)

Also, a HUGE thanks to my prayer buddy, Sunshine at 'Time won't give me time'! Your prayers have brought me SO much comfort and so much (more) hope! THANK YOU!!!!

And lastly, don't forget to offer up a prayer or two for Mary-she's having surgery today.

I hope that everyone is doing well...I'm looking foward to catching up on blogs and staying up to date with commenting and posting.

Merry Christmas! :)

"Hope- choose to see through optimistic eyes"

Follicle check

I'm trying really hard not too feel down or overwhelmed or sad...

But, I'm failing miserably.

Today I went in for my CD12 follicle check full of hope. I just knew there would be some follicles that were mature and I just knew it wouldn't be like the last million times I left a sonogram with NO follicles big enough for ovulation.

And I was wrong.

10 mm was the biggest one they could find. It took literally everything in me not to break down right then and there.

Because this was my first time with THIS nurse and I wasn't going to look like a pathetic, blubbering fool, even though I already felt like one...trousers down...little, not cooperative follicles plastered all over the computer screen...hands shaking...heart racing...

My ovaries need to step it up.

Please?

I want to be able to leave a sonogram appointment with tears of JOY...

Not tears of pain and defeat.

I'll go back Monday, CD16 for another check. I'm still hoping and I'm still praying that my ovaries will kick it in to high gear so as to reaffirm all this hope I [still] feel.

I hate this post being such a downer, but my DH worked last night and so he's sleeping and I needed to vent.

The venting will help me offer it back up and move on until Monday, when I'm back at it again.

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

Trip to Ann.apolis

That's right! I'm so excited because plans were just finalized this week for Jan 15-25!!

My SIL, BIL and two nephews are driving from MD this week and spending Christmas here in TX. But then my BIL has to leave early-he's Marine-to get back to work. SOO my MIL and I are driving back with my SIL and two nephews (5&2.5) on the 15th.

The great part is that 1)I've never been there before and 2) we are going to attend the March for Life in DC on the 24th! I've never been to the March for Life before and I hear it's a pretty amazing experience to be with so many others who are fighting the good fight to end abortion.

It'll also be neat because my SIL said that the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception (whew-that's a doozy to type out...wait, who am I kidding, I copied and pasted! ;)) is beautiful and we will definitely take a trip there also. She's so sweet and has lit many candles for my dh and I and our intentions, especially in regards to our fertility.

Actually, right before the trip I will have either gotten my first ever BFP (a girl can hope) or a visit from AF. I was trying really hard NOT to think about the "ooo...I could be pregnant and attending the shrine and the march for life" but obviously I failed miserably and the thoughts are there.

I'm still hoping with every ounce of my being that this is our month. That this month the clomid is at just the right dosage and we will conceive! The hope is merited though, after my body responding so well last month when prior to surgery it had not-well, hope is there and it's stronger than it's been in months and I fully embrace it!

Ok, for those of you who have time to kill or just want to have a good laugh, you HAVE to check out this Website! It's about all the ways the I.phone autocorrects...

"Hope is putting faith to work when doubting would be easier."

Christmas card...

Here's part of our Christmas card this year:
It's a picture of the card so the quality is crap AND since I'm mysterious and don't like to show our faces it's cropped way down BUT y'all get the picture! ;) Here's hoping [and praying] that next year's card has a little bundle(s) of joy...

And on another random note: OUR COMPUTER is fixed!! And from the sound of it they were able to recover everything off the [stupiddumbgrrrr] crashing hard drive!! Yaaay!! Blogging and surfing the Internet and FBing and emailing will be able to be done with TWO hands and not one tired little finger!! :):) We'll pick it up this week!

Hope everyone has a great week! I can't believe it's already almost Christmas...I guess it's time to finish the shopping.

"Tradition: sit with husband in a room lit only by tree lights and remember that our blessings outnumber the lights."(Betsy Cañas Garmon)

CD4

Tomorrow starts round two of clomid. I'm still feeling hopeful and excited but now mixed in with a little anxiety and worry.

All those dern "what-if's" are trying to take over my mind like weeds in grass do...

What if it doesn't work?
What if the side effects are way worst?
What if we enter another year without a baby in site?
What if the doctor thinks I'm a lost cause because it's been three years and counting?
What if I grow another arm?

Just kidding about the arm...just checking if y'all are still paying attention after my silly "what-if" game.

I'm trying my best though, to not get caught up in the what if's...

It's amazing to me how last week I was filled with so much hope and so much joy after finding out about my body responding...and then, here I am now, just a week later and the anxiety is creeping back in.

And really, there's no reason for me to feel different tonight than I did a week ago...the blessing of the medication working is STILL a blessing...

I guess it's the start of a new cycle that wears you down. It's like having ran a marathon and you see the finish line but are told to turn around and run it again...

Exhaustion.

Speaking of marathons, it's on my bucket list of things I want to do before I die. I use to run all the time, starting in elementary where we would run 10k's and then through track and cross country in HS.

But then college happened and I discovered I liked the taste of beer and I really liked those late night study sessions where we would order pizza and drink energy drinks to get through the night.

Ok, I've gotten severely off topic from when I started this post and my mind is still wondering from thought to thought without any sort of uniformity...so, maybe it's time to call it a night!

“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.”

Not this month.

But I am still counting my blessings because my body is finally responding to medication after 3 years of not.

I wish that periods did not mean = even more emotion for me but they do and so even though I'm feeling blessed and so excited about this next cycle...I have tears in my eyes as I type because it's still hard.

Tears? yes.

Fear? not so much.

Hope? Most certainly!

Thanks again for all the prayers...

"the greater the fight the greater the victory..."

Waiting and crafting

I'm on CD27...no cramping, sore boobies and sore lower back.

I'm not saying this as to point one way or the other but just stating where we stand so far.

Those symptoms could me two different things.

One I'm used to, the other not so much!

I will say, normally I've started a little spotting by now but I haven't yet so...that's...good.

I'm not over analyzing and I can say with my heart of hearts I'm prepared either way. Although, if it's pregnancy-still in shock I have a chance-I'm really not prepared! How could I be? I guess God prepares the heart for whatever is suppose to be.

So I'm trusting!

Now...on to the crafting! I'm making some gifts for Christmas and am so excited how they're turning out! Today I worked on three different projects: baby stuff for a special someone ;), coasters that this beautiful lady suggested, and lastly, wine glasses with a little place to write your name on it with chalk (another idea instead of using the little charms so as to keep track of whose glass is whose!).

The first set of coasters I kept for us because they were my test run-but I love them! The second set I'm giving to one of my SILs with a 6 pack of real coke or Dp (the ones in the bottle with real sugar-yum!) here's a picture of some of the finished coasters:

And here's one of the wine glasses...
I'm giving a set of 4 of these to my other SIL with a bottle of wine!

I really have had a lot of fun making stuff...like I've mentioned a number of times, it helps get my mind off things and helps me relax!

Well, I'm off to watch a movie now but ill keep everyone updated one way or the other!

Thank you so much for all the prayers!

"It is the beautiful task of Advent to awaken in all of us memories of goodness and thus to open doors of hope."(Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger)

Immaculate conception feast day miracle...

I OVULATED THIS CYCLE!!!!!!!! :)

Coming from a girl who has been battling pcos for too long and who in over three years of marriage has not really ever had signs of ovulation nor blood work to prove that I have (on the contrary, month after month I got a big stinkin' "no ovulation this time!")...I'm feel overjoyed!!!

I called the nurse right before we left for mass to celebrate the Immaculate conception-hence the post title-and was not expecting to hear that I OVULATED, but I did! :)

I of course got goosebumps and tears filled my eyes.

I ovulated.

And on only 50mg of clomid.

In the past we were trying clomid, estrogen supplement, hcg shots, etc...

It's because of my surgery in July!

My body is actually responding to medicine, whereas the two years before surgery, it had not.

Whatever happens this month-pregnancy (I'm shaking at the thought of this being a possibility) or not....this is HUGE for us.

My body is responding!!!

It's not completely broken!

Thank you blessed Mother for interceding our prayers on such a beautiful feast day!

Ps. The boobs still hurt!!! ;)


"Prayer is powerful beyond limits when we turn to the Immaculata who is queen even of God's heart."
(Saint Maximilian Kolbe)

My "girls" are hurting...again.

I am heading into the doctors office in a couple of hours to get the blood work done (8 dpo-or what I think was ovulation) and I'm really hoping the clomid has helped with my progesterone and ovulation issues.

I will say one thing, I haven't really had any symptoms-possible ovulation OR pregnancy-since September ...a major reason why I felt my body was reverting back to pre surgery days.

Until this cycle with clomid. Yup...you guessed it (or rather I "laid it all out there" in the title again ;)), the girls are hurting again, and a lot worst than last time! I'm saying a prayer of thanksgiving because my body has never shown signs like this in over three years of marriage!! So I definitely think something is happening with my body!

Here we go again, the last few cycles have been duds in the sense i could not notice one thing happening and then this cycle...stuff is def happening!

I am not even bothering goo.gling this time because I'm trying my best to simply trust.

And, I don't think it's a coincidence that this is all happening-the random surge of hope I was feeling (and still am) yesterday and then waking up to the girls hurting today! :) No, I don't know who you are prayer buddy but I have an overwhelming sense of excitement because I can feel the prayers!!

So, prayer buddy, if you're reading this...please, pat yourself on the back and maybe throw in a high five!! Or if I'm so blessed that others are remembering me in prayer, as I do with most all of y'all, go ahead and do the same!! ;)

And even if my progesterone is not where is should be this month, I trust we are on the right path because of our prayers and all the beautiful signs God has shown us.

“Hope is the dream of a soul awake"(French proverb)

Hope

I woke up this beautiful Sunday morning and my heart is over flowing with it.

Thank you Jesus for this hope.

I don't know why either...but I don't care because sometimes hope is far and few in-between these months/years of struggling.

So I'll take it!

Today, as my heart is literally busting with hope, I am grateful to our Lord for blessing me with hope and pray that in moments of darkness I can remember what I'm feeling right now.

"O loving and merciful God, in Blessed Damien you have given us a shining witness of love and care for the poorer, the most abandoned and the forsaken.

Grant that, by his intercession as a faithful witness of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, we too may be a servant of healing and a voice for the voiceless.

We pray, too that through Blessed Damien of Molokai we may be blessed with a miracle in order that he may be numbered with your saints on earth as it is in Heaven.

We ask this in the Holy Name of Jesus, your Son, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God forever and ever.

Amen"

Goosebumps

I get goosebumps rather frequently. I think it's because I'm super sensitive and things really get to me quite easily and I have that moment where chills race up and down my body.

It wasn't that long ago that my little niece told me their not goosebumps, they're Jesus bumps-or something like that! Basically, when you get goosebumps it's because God telling you something and whatnot.

Well, I had one of those moments this morning and I knew instantly that it was God's working!

Today was the BIG ultrasound for my big bro and SIL. I was definitely anticipating the call because this is the first niece/nephew from my side and the idea of my big brother being a dad literally brings so much joy to my heart!

Well, I got the call and they had me on speaker phone and asked what I thought the gender was. I told them I thought boy but thought it would be funny if it was a girl since my SIL had had sooo many dreams it was a boy! ;)

Drum roll....

They're having a BOY!!

I'm beyond excited for them. My brother and I have talked about having our own children and actually making right and being there for them, unlike our parents who abandoned us when we were young-another story for another time.

Now, for my goosebump moment:

They asked if I wanted to know the name and of course I did! They told me his name would be Damian....after St.Damien of Molokai, a Saint recently canonized and who had a special place in my brother's life since he was stationed in Hawaii years ago.

The neat thing, that caused the goosebumps?! This pretty lady, who I just started reading her blog, does a neat thing where she draws patron saints for the upcoming year, for people who ask. Well I thought it would be neat to participate and this is my Saint:

Damien of Molokai!!!!!!

What are the odds?!

I find that to be very neat! This saint must already be praying for me and my little nephew to be, who shares his name sake! I guess, I need to ask for him to intercede for me in regards to us starting our family!

Anyways, I thought it was so neat and had to share!

Picture post

IF has been causing me so much anxiety and sadness lately and so, I decided I would do a picture post of some things that have brought me a little bit of joy in the middle of the hardships...


Christmas lights on our first home!


Decorating the tree and putting up ornaments like this one-my Gp carved and painted it for all the grandchildren one Christmas.


Putting our ornament from our first Christmas on the tree.


Putting up our little Christmas tree and decorating the mantle with garland, white lights and glittery decorations.


See...glittery decorations snuggled amongst the garland! :)


Getting to put out little Christmas trinkets, like this one my dear friend gave me last year!


Wreathes with big, red, sparkly bows on the front door!



I could keep going with the decorations I love, for example, my Willow Tree nativity is beautiful and the little tree I have by my sewing machine is fun, also...but I think y'all get the idea...

Tonight I'm feeling blah, but having a candle lit, movie going and my sweet husband home is helping me feel better! Any anxiety that's lingering in my heart and soul, I'm offering up for my prayer buddy, that tonight the Lord will hear the prayers on her heart!

"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."
 (Jean-Jacques Rousseau)

God likes us to laugh

Although in my last post I talked about how hard this Thanksgiving was, I had to share what happened towards the end of the day, so I'll backtrack a bit...

I had been in charge of making the apple pie and cranberry relish. For fun, I decided to make PW's Hard sauce (lots of butter, powdered sugar and some whiskey!!) because 1) it looked awesome and 2) I could bc I wasn't pregnant. It was as amazing as she said it would be, and on a warm pie....bliss!

I talked it up to my family and they all anticipated it.

My 20 year old, crazy cousin tried a sneak peek and loved it.

My brother said he would totally love it as pudding! ;)

Basically, it's awesome.

Well...fast forward many hours later, after dinner, after the first round of desserts and another round of food...

I go and put a large dollop on some pecan pie (I was too full to eat dessert earlier) and before I go to town, this happens:

My younger cousin: "I really thought it would have been sweet."

Me: "What?"

Her: "That grown-up sauce you made!" (she's only 15)

Then I dip my finger in the sauce and gag...

It was NOT the sauce I had made!!! Apparently someone had put the left over CREAM OF CHICKEN soup out instead of my sauce since they looked similar and were in similar containers.

The catcher is:
Gm, an aunt, an uncle and my cousin (who LOADED his pie up) all put some on their pies earlier. My Gm and cousin were sitting in front of me at the table and ATE.ALL.OF.THEIRS!!! because I was sitting there and they didn't want to hurt my feelings. My aunt and uncle ate a couple bites and quietly dumped it out.

They all thought that was the sauce I made and so as to not hurt my feelings, they said nothing!!!

Gross....cream of chicken soup does NOT go on pies!!

So, even though it was a tough thanksgiving for me, it ended with a pretty good laugh and a reminder that my family loves me and does not try and hurt my feelings, although I wish they would still think before making certain jokes: ie, puppy bag instead of diaper bag.

I'm sure God was tired of my tears of pain and decided that tears of laughter were needed because my family and I were basically all in tears from laughing so hard.

Now we'll always talk about the thanksgiving we ate pie with a dollop of cream of mushroom (mmm chicken chunks) soup.

"The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together." (Erma Bombeck)

Falling is scary

We had both sides of the family over for Thanksgiving. We also had some of our good friends. I was uneasy because for some reason, this Thanksgiving the cross of IF seemed to be weighing down on me harder than ever before. Maybe also, because my younger SIL was pregnant and this was the first time the whole family would be together since the big announcement just weeks after they married.

I hated myself for even feeling bummed because I had so much to be thankful for, so I tried my best to suck it up and not let it get the best of me.

A couple of the family members were standing around "OOOing and Awwing" over the cute baby bump that my SIL wore. I stood in silence. I stood in pain, desiring that so badly.

One family member asked if we would have kids any time soon and I began to describe that we were trying but that we hadn't be able to. I explained that we had been trying, pretty much since we first got married in June '07.

I was even more hurt by the responses I heard from our families:

"Just relax."
"That's a non-issue...don't let that bring you down."
"Cancer is a reason to feel down...not NOT having a baby."

And the comments kept coming. I was overwhelmed and completely broken. I told my DH that we should step outside to get air because I was about to break down.

We went outside but there was no getting away from people because we had such a large family and too many friends around.

We walked over to a little cliff to look over and I began crying and screaming to my husband that I wished that people would understand that my pain is real.

I thought it was odd that when I looked over, my DH was smoking. He hadn't smoked a cigarette in years (his last deployment to Iraq right before we were married).

Then it happened.

I tripped.

I grabbed his arm and we fell.

The cliff was a far way down and we were falling...

I closed my eyes and begged for God to save us.

I then began to imagine a way we could fall and land without our bones being crushed.

Maybe if we land on our sides...or our back...or maybe just our legs...

No, we were doomed.

I opened my eyes and looked at my DH. He had that dern cigarette in one hand and my hand in his other hand. He looked so calm. He trusted. You could see what he was feeling..."what was happening was ALREADY happening and there was nothing we could do but just go with it."

Then I woke up.

Yeah, obviously this did not happen to me but it did in my dream two nights ago. I woke up in tears, my body was shaking and my heart was racing so badly.

It felt SO real and even typing it makes me shake.

IF it taking over my dreams. The place where I usually dream about having kids or being rich or flying high in the sky...a place of no worries.

But not the other night. This dream literally scared me awake. Later that day I goo.gled "dreams" because I was curious if it meant anything.

Then I read this:
"As a symbol, falling highlights a loss of emotional equilibrium or self-control. You may fear "letting go" in real life. Anxiety usually accompanies this dream. It may represent your insecurity, a lack of self-confidence, a fear of failure or an inability to cope with a situation. "

This is exactly how I have been feeling lately. Grr IF, do NOT take over my dreams! I love dreaming...I usually have very vivid dreams that are HAPPY, not like falling. Actually the only other time I had a dream where I woke up because I was so scared was when I was in elementary school and a shark almost bit my Gm...so yeah, it's been quite awhile...

Honestly, I think it was because I was so nervous because this was the first holiday that I was really feeling the heaviness of the IF cross:
1st holidays married: hopeful but not sad.
2nd: A little worried but still full of hope.
3rd: My Gp's death had just occurred and all we could do was try and "get through" the holidays.
4th: This year...emotionally I couldn't do it.

I actually took a couple "bathroom breaks" where I would let myself cry because I was hurting. I had to. I wasn't about to cry in front of my crazy, fun-filled family!

You see, when I got to my GM's on Wed, I had the puppy in tow for my cousins to play with him. The first thing my aunt said was, "Oh, you are a puppy person...you don't have a baby bag but rather a puppy bag!"

NOT what I wanted to hear.

They know we are struggling but don't understand how badly it hurts.

I laughed it off and carried on.

Then on Thanksgiving during our prayer, my Gm mentioned that we had made it a year since GP passed and that we had a lot to be thankful for...especially this new baby that my SIL was carrying. Then my other aunt says, "yeah...FINALLY a new generation...yay!"

I know that people don't mean to hurt me but I wish that people would be more sensitive. I of course will not say anything because I know that don't mean anything by it but like I said, I wish they would TRY and be sensitive.

All in all Thanksgiving was good, although I know i've only talked about the difficulty I was struggling with WITHIN...I have a lot to be grateful for and I know that.

So, instead of ending on a bummer note, I am going to list what I am grateful for:
-My faith and Lord. Without Him, I know I wouldn't be able to survive the hardships.
-My DH. His constant love and support amaze me everyday. My dream portrayed it perfectly...me freaking out and him trusting and going with the flow. I wish I could be more like him.
-My family. Even though there are certain remarks said, I know that they love me and would do anything for me. Their support is amazing also.
-My friends.
-My health.
-My husband's job because of it we have our home and a full fridge.
And the list goes on...

I hope that everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I hope that if you were hurting because your arms were empty, dreaming you had a little one to fill it, that you still remembered to stop and think about the blessings.

Because they are everywhere and if we focus too hard on our crosses, we miss seeing them.

“When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength”

Vib.rators, hot flashes, jalepeno jelly, Christmas gift challenge '10, OH MY!

-My Christmas gift challenge this year is to MAKE everything! I had already planned on it for some friends, but then I got to searching for some ideas and think I can make something for everyone on my list! And thanks to GIMH, I have another fun project I'm going to make! My only concern is for the dudes in my life, ie:husband, brothers, FIL, etc... do y'all have any ideas?!? I have a couple but nothing solid.

-Look at this:

Jalepeno jelly. AMAZING. My MIL bought me some at a craft fair because she knows how much I love it! I'm going to search around for a recipe and if I can get it just right that would be awesome!!

-How can this little pill give me the craziest hot flashes ever?!

I seriously get the worst hot flashes ever on Clomid...I wish it meant it was working, but unfortunately I had them last time and my ovaries weren't effected! But...still hopeful that it will respond this time because of my surgery!

-Lastly, and probably the word, from the title, that drew y'all into even reading this post....about this vibr.ator! Last night my husband and I got back from a looooong day of traveling for our nieces baptism. Well, to say I was tired was an understatement because after I crawled into bed, I rolled over and asked my husband if he had "turned on his vibr.ator?" He shot me a crazy look, I realized what I had asked and we burst into laughter!! What I MEANT to say was if he had "turned his PHONE on vibrate?" NOT what I had originally said.

So folks, we do NOT own one of those things, but the story was too funny not to share!!! :)

Happy Monday, y'all!!

“A laugh is a smile that bursts.”(Mary H. Waldrip)

I gotta question...

...because goo.gle is NOT helping me!

I'm on CD4 and my period is VL...it's so short and I'm worried it means something is not working right!!

So, do any of y'all know what it means to have a short period?

I've had these short periods, this time and the last two times since surgery, which I'm a little unsure of but a plus is that A)I'm having them on my own and B)ever since the surgery I have had no brown spotting/bleeding which was an every month occurrence during my pre-surgery cycles.

Like I said, I tried to goo.gle about this but found nothing...well, one site said I'm pregnant and one said I'm a princess of a foreign land, so that's no help.

Ok, not really on the princess part but yes on the pregnant part.

Ha! You can pretty much find whatever you want to hear on goo.gle and then some!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Also, please take a moment to remember those that were injured and the 12 Aggies (and their family and friends) that lost their life in bonfire on this day in 1999. (Aggie bonfire)

"There's a spirit can ne'er be told...it's the spirit of Aggieland."

CD1

And I am thankful that it came without me having to take medication (I'm making lemonade out of those dern lemons).

And I'm listening to Christmas and don't even care that it's not even Thanksgiving.

The song, "a baby changes everything" is on right now...I love this song.

*Sniffle.

I start Clomid in T-minus 4 days. Here's hoping my body likes it more this time than the last time.

When I called to report CD1 and get my prescription for clomid, they got me mixed up with someone else because they started asking about my vag.inal dryness and the bleeding during inter.course....eek...SO glad that's not me!

Sorry I'm all over the place..my mind is struggling between being thankful that my period started on it's on and being bitter that it started and I am not pregnant....but to be honest, I'm leaning more towards the thankful part.

Thank you Jesus for all the blessings of this day.

I've said it once and I'll say it again...

When I'm stressed I like to craft!

And since last week was up there in the stress meter, I crafted quite a bit! This post will mostly be pictures of my crafts, but before that, I wanted to give an update on my cycle:

-CD31.
-slight cramping and boobs are slooooowly starting to hurt.
-hot flashes! I think my body is already anticipating taking the clomid since last time I had the worst hot flashes ever.
-longest cycle ever...I've been averaging 26-28 days.
-I took a hpt...dumb me. My thought, "it's CD31...I haven't had one this long in forever AND although they said I didn't ovulate...God works miracles, right?!" BFN. Who else does this?
-I start back on my metformin tomorrow and then hopefully my period starts and then clomid!

Now...on to what I've been up to during my high stress days:







My wreath I made out of about a gazillion coffee filters! The accessories are removable, so come Christmas, I'm going to add Christmas themed stuff!!






Matching tie shirts for my new little godson and his big brother!






And this is not a craft, but made me laugh! I found this left in my cart at Walmart!!

Well, I'm off to enjoy the rest of this lazy Sunday with some yummy fall candles lit, a cozy blanket, a good movie, my husband and a glass of wine...

"Everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn."(Elizabeth Lawrence)

6.8

Yup, that's my CD22 progesterone level this cycle. Meaning?

No ovulation.

Whoopty freakin' doooo.

So glad I had the surgery and am still where I was before. No, not really. It made me so mad to hear this.

Ok, all bitterness aside...really I was hurting. I got the call in the midst of dealing with a few other crummy life stresses. I felt like I was living the whole, "when it rains it pours" saying to a tee.

My plate is def full now and yesterday was my breaking point.

I.lost.it.

Tears flowed like there was no tomorrow. I couldn't blow my nose fast enough to keep the snot from dripping down my face. My eyes were puffy. My body hot from crying so hard.

Real grown up and sexy huh?

I had a grown up tantrum full of, "why does God hate me and want to punish me so?" to "don't even say you understand what I feel right now!!"-to my husband.

I was angry. Dealing with IF on top of 3 other stressful issues, well...I couldn't take another piece of bad news.

Well, then my cute, adorable stinky puppy ate my flowers that my Gm gave me.

You see, the world was indeed against me.

I'm not proud of how I handled my little grown up tantrum. Not proud at all. The fact that my husband stood by my side throughout it all, well all I can say is that he is my greatest blessing.

I apologized for my poor reaction and of course, he was his sweet, supportive self and said that it was, ok and that he was there no matter what.

How I got him, God only knows.

But really, yesterday was crummy and today I woke up and said a little prayer that God would help me have strength, courage and confidence to handle the hardships that are inevitable with life.

Without the tough times how could you truly, TRULY, appreciate the beautiful times?

Also, today I'm also reminding myself that moments like yesterday usually occur when I'm not praying enough and trying to handle it all on my own. I def need to pray more. I lose sight of what's really important when I put prayer on the back burner. Why is it so easy to do? Especially when you realize just how much you need prayer to make it in this crazy world, you would think this wouldn't happen as much as it does.

But it does.

So, today I resolve to work harder on my prayer life.

And lastly, I could not have stumbled across this quote at a more perfect time:

"Lack of prayer is the cause for lack of time.(Peter Kreeft)

Priorities people, priorities.

Fun new idea **updated with my Friday Five

I saw this ides somewhere and when I found out that chalkboard paint wasn't expensive...well I jumped all on that!!





I also painted a closet door in our office/craft room but didn't take a picture! I'll post more later, just wanted to show y'all this!

And Megan , I'll do my "Friday Five" post later! :)

*** My Friday Five:
In honor of it being Friday, here are my Friday Five!

1. What is on your night stand?
A bottle of water (I'm weird about this, if I don't have one then I can't really sleep!), my lamp, rosary, progesterone pills, candle, small statue of the Blessed Mother and a few more little things.

2. Do you still own your High School senior yearbook? Where is it?
Yes! It's packed away at my Gm's along with old mums (who else did that for homecoming?!), sports jacket and other misc items from HS and earlier.

3. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?
Not a big breakfast person...but right now the thought of waffles sounds pretty awesome! ;)

4. In what ways does your cup runneth over?
My husband and his support that never ends...it seriously takes my breath away when I think of this. Also my family, in-laws included, are such a blessing.

5. Which of your funny stories have you probably told the greatest number of times?
Hmm...I tend to talk a lot and it seems that I tell, and retell a lot of funny stories that have happened to me. Too vague? Oh well...it's getting late! ;)

And that's that! I'm glad I participated in the "Friday Five"...thanks Megan for tagging me!!

"Goodnight moon..."

Bloggpress!

So, Jenny rocks and recommended that I use an app called bloggpress and at first I wasn't sure if it would work with blogspot but I decided to get it and try...so far so good!!!! And it makes using color quite simple!!!

Tomorrow I'm cleaning and will hopefully be able to take a few pictures of our new house to show everyone.

Today:

Today was a blah day. Maybe I'm anticipating tomorrow's blood work, maybe it was just one of those days. I need to let go and trust.

Why is letting go so hard?

Why do I hold onto things and let them eat at my very core?

It's definitely not because I think that I can handle it better on my own.

That would be crazy! And I do not want to be crazy.

So, on this chilly Texas night, with sugar cookies baking in the oven, a sleepy pup at my feet, and some good music playing in the background....

I offer up this anxiety to you Lord.

"Enjoy this moment, for this moment is your life."

Picture posting question

Does anyone know how to upload pictures you have taken on your iPhone, to your post, directly?

Until we get our computer fixed we will not have Internet so everything is done on the nifty phone! Thankful that our phones have Internet but it's still a pain to upload posts/pictures!

If you have any idea, let me know..please! This way I could show pictures of our new house sooner than later, amongst other things as well!

Thanks in advanced!!

Picture posting question

Short and sweet...

No, I'm not talking about me! ;) I'm 5 foot 7 inches so not really short but I guess sometimes I'm sweet! Like the day after Halloween, when even though I'm too old for trick or treating and don't have my own little miracles to take out, I still manage to eat 5 pounds of sweets!

Hey, calories don't count on Halloween right?!

No, I mean this post will be short and sweet...actually, it was my fb status from earlier but I thought I'd share:

The new Taylor Swift cd makes paying bills not quite so bad! "wasn't it easier in your fire-fly catching days?"

Exposed.

Today was the closing rally for 40 days. My dh and I went out there, not only to stand in support of the cause but also to support my brother and SIL who would be giving talks.

Rewind to last night:
I opened up with my SIL and brother about my thoughts about standing outside the clinic these last few weeks. I told them how hard it had been and then I did it...

I told them I had a blog.

I did NOT tell them what/where it was.

Nope.

Just that I had one that was more or less private (hey, it's pretty private...I don't use names! ;)) and that it was so that I could find support from other women that have struggled/are struggling with IF and with others that have just given great support even though they have not suffered with IF.

I didn't show them the blog. Just told them about it.

Then he asked if I would copy my last post about what it felt like to be a women struggling with IF and standing outside the clinics.

So I did.

I thought he was just curious about a side of it he'd never really thought of.

Fast forward to today:
He gave the opening speech and focused on the fact that there were many different people from many different walks of life that have helped with 40 days. He then stated that he wanted to share a little excerpt from a blog from a fellow 40 days for life participant.

My heart stated racing.

My palms began to sweat.

NEVER had I thought that he would share my story in front of everyone there.

He then shared what I had written and said that it was a perfect example of how difficult it can be for some to stand and pray.

My husband was there, thankfully, and held my hand tightly throughout his speech.

He's definitely my number one support!

My brother went on and told some stories about others that stood and prayed, some stories from across the nation and a few more local ones.

He shared stories about some of the babies that have been saved.

517 beautiful souls were saved this 4o days! PRAISE the LORD!

When he was done giving his speech, I whispered to my husband that I was so glad that I had worn my over sized sun glasses because it hid the huge elephant tears that were streaming down my face.

So although he never pointed me out directly and he never said my name or even that he knew me personally, I still felt exposed.

Hearing my feelings spoken out loud, in front of people, by another person made my heart race like no one's business.

Because it's such a private, intimate struggle, it's hard to openly talk about it sometimes, especially to hear my story out loud.

Difficult but also refreshing.

I'm glad that I opened up to my brother and SIL on a deeper level then, "it's hard that we haven't conceived..." or "we trust in God's will" etc...

I shared with them something that both of them had never thought of...

That as a woman struggling to conceive, standing and praying outside of a clinic is hard to do.

But I'm glad that I did! I continue to hope and pray that one day everyone will realize just how precious life is.



I have so much going on this week....I pray that I can make it without getting too anxious or overwhelmed! I can do this!

Praying for each and everyone of you pretty ladies and hoping that this Sunday is finding you in good spirits!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

“Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.”

An IF girl's thoughts standing outside an abortion clinic.

Pain.
Sorrow.
Confusion.

These are just a few of the emotions that I have felt standing outside the clinic this 40 days for life.

If you don't know what 40 days for life is, it's a nationwide commitment to stand, hope and pray outside abortion clinics, 24/7, to end abortion.

Over 450 babies have been saved this 40 days.

Beautiful.

I've stood in tears, in pain because I desire so badly to conceive, to be a mom. To know that people go into that clinic to destroy that very miracle I so badly desire, hurts.

So, as this 40 days is coming to an end, I offer up my sorrow, emptiness and pain and ask God to help transform the hearts of those contemplating abortion on this very day.

"Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?" (innocent by T.Swift)

Doctor's appointment yesterday

Although I did post yesterday about all the craziness that happened...it just didn't feel right to sit and add more about the doctor's visit. No worries, it gives me something to write about today! :) Go me for updating!

Like I mentioned yesterday, I was over an hour late because my dumb iphone led me in the wrong direction. I thought surely that they would cancel or want to reschedule, which I did NOT want them to do because I had to drive an hour to see them in the first place. However, when I called to get better directions and much to my surprise, the secretary actually put the doctor on to give me directions.

This calmed me down a bit. You see, with my old doctor in SA (the awesome doctor one on one but not so much with follow ups), when I would call to talk to her I would wait for 15 minutes and then talk to either the secretary or maybe, if I was lucky, the nurse.

Never, ever, EVER have I spoken to her on the phone.

So anyways, I made it there and then of course couldn't find the suite number. Apparently the one listed online was the old one, leading me to the wrong tower. But thankfully a nice nurse helped me out and I found where I was suppose to be.

I got there and filled out the pile of papers that are expected at the first doctor's appointments.

I waited 20 minutes or so and then I saw the doctor.

In his nice, cushy office. It was a little different to not be sitting on a paper roll on a table in some cold, small room. This was refreshing, indeed!

He said, "So, you want to get pregnant?"

I said, "Yes! My husband and I have been trying for almost 3 years..."

Then the first thing out of his mouth was, "has anyone ever told you about IVF?"

I said that I had indeed heard of it but I would never do it. He asked me why and I explained to him that, without going into the numerous other reasons why my husband I did not agree with it, the main thing was that we believed that life begins at conception. When the egg is fertilized we believe that is a human being, a baby. The idea of discarding the "bad" ones or freezing them in itself was terrible to us.

He just sat there and said he understood. And then proceeded to talk about our plan of action.

You see, I knew that this was a possibility with this doctor. My SIL had told me that he's not opposed to IVF but that he's extremely respectful of everyone's beliefs.

This was way different for me. My first doctor had no clue what she was doing and said to "see a specialist" and then by the grace of God I was lead to an amazing Catholic doctor and THEN to another Catholic doctor, who performed our surgery. It was just strange to be asked about IVF and to be talking to a doctor that isn't Catholic and already on board with all my beliefs.

Anyways, in a nutshell he's having me come in next Friday for some blood work and then is going to start me back on Metformin and the Clomid, etc..

He's really good at what he does, my SIL said, and I am hopeful.

Hopeful but scared shi*less. Not going to lie.

I am trying my very best to be FULL of hope and TRUST. But I am so scared because I feel no closer to our ultimate goal of healing my body so that we can conceive, than I did three years ago.

Also, this cycle I am noticing nothing. CD13 and not a lot of mucous, no sore boobies...

Nothing.

Stupid PCOS.

I am terrified that my body has reverted BACK to the way it was a few short months ago before the surgery. And if this is this case, will the medicine react the same way as it did before then? IE: no reaction at all?

Ok, now that I have vented my, "I'm so scared!" rant, I'm going to RE-offer it up and trust that God has led me to this doctor for a reason.

Lord,
I put my trust in you.
I hurt.
I am scared.
But I trust.
Into Your hands I put all this fear and anxiety.
Nothing is TOO big for you to handle.
I trust.
I believe.
Love,
Little ol' me.


“Fear of failure must never be a reason not to try something.” (Frederick Smith quotes)

Cat calls on the side of the highway?

I'm way exhausted and my finger is still a bit cramped so I'm going to write about my day...in a nutshell:

Didn't sleep much because of being anxious about the doctors visit among other things also.
Left in more than enough time to get there early.
Arrive an hour late.
Darn iPhone leading me wrong.
Darn iPhone battery is almost dead because of the extra hour of usage trying to figure out where I was.
Doctors appointment was short and sweet.
I'll update more on that tomorrow.
Darn car "check battery" light comes on.
Then the "airbag" one does too.
I freak out and pull off the highway and move my chair back and ride ghetto style, just incase it does go off!
Car dies in the middle of s busy intersection.
I get out bc I don't want to be in there if someone hits my car bc they weren't paying attention.
Good thing.
2 minutes later a car swerves and almost hits the car.
Tell myself to, "breathe" and "not cry."
Call my preggo SIL to save me bc she is closest.
20 minutes, another car swerve, and 5 cat calls later she arrives.
One older man tried to help but didn't have jumper cables. He's way cooler than the trash whistling at me...really, is that how they pick up ladies?!
While waiting with my SIL for my husband to be my knight in shining armor, a cop pulls over a car for speeding...right next to us.
He didn't get a ticket because the officer decides to help us.
BIG smile from that guy!
Hey, I do what I can to help out! ;)
Cop helps jump the car and push it to a safe location.
Said goodbye to the nice cop shortly before my dh arrives with new battery.
And I must say, I do love him so! Even more than yesterday. I had always wanted a husband who could take care of me like that!
My hero!
A little into the changing the battery my brother arrives since he's off work.
Two awesome men fixing my car as my SIL and I chat that her liitle bump is cute and how crazy that the baby is 4 inches!
Impromptu double date at Chili.s to finish off the crazy day.
And lastly, got home...dh cracked open a cold coors light for the both of us and we discussed just how blessed we felt.

Man, What a day. I'm pooped. But...feeling extremely blessed.

Goodnight world.

"Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."
(Dale Carnegie)

New house, new doctor, new dog... ***update:Pictures added at the bottom

I cannot believe it has been so long since I've blogged! I've just been so busy, and we don't have our computer fixed yet, that I've not been able to stop and write.

This is not good for me. I miss being able to vent and I miss the support that is unique to the blogging world and with with other bloggers.

However, with packing, unpacking, weddings galore, and getting organized along with all the other boring stuff, I could not! However, today, after seeing just how long it had been I thought to myself, "if it makes you feel better...then do it!" :) So, here I am typing with one finger on my iPhone because I am having blogger withdrawals! ;)

Ok, so onto the updates:

The house. Wow. We are homeowners and it feels great! I have all the boxes unpacked but still need to organize the guest room and the office/craftroom! I will certainly post pictures once eveything is organized!

We actually had our annual pumpkin carving party (with my brothers/their wives) here last night! It was great! We grilled out and sat outside on our awesome covered patio! Of course, we carved pumpkins and here's the finished product....scratch that, I was going to upload pictures but it's not letting me (or maybe I just don't know!) on my phone. Once I'm at a computer I'll do a picture post! Anyways, all three families went with the Rangers theme, without even discussing it before! I mean, the Rangers are making history here, we have never made it past the first round of playoffs, let alone make it to the World Series!!! We were all proud of our Ranger themed pumpkins! :)

Next on the list of "new," a doctor. My old doctor who performed the surgery is just not working out anymore. One on one she is great! Following up...not so much. For example, after surgery she said we would go one round "all natural" without meds and then jump into clomid on cd3, etc, because the months right after surgery are the prime "baby making" times and that we shouldn't waste time. Well, once my second cycle post surgery started, I called and asked them to call back.

Cd5 I get a call back saying it was too late this cycle but we would do clomid next cycle. Grr.

Cd1 of this cycle (the 15th) I called bright and early to let them know. I hadn't heard back and I knew their office would be closing so I called again around 2:30 and all I got was, "she's already left for the day but said she'll call back Monday!"

Great, call me back on Cd4...just to be informed it was too late! Needless to say I was very angry! And to top it off, I didn't hear back until cd6 anyways! So it was waaaay too late this cycle!

Big grr to that.

Anyways, so I called my SIL's doctor who was working with her, since she spoke very highly of him, and have an appointment to meet with him tomorrow. He's a fertility specialist and is extremely thorough with what he does. I've got mixed feelings about seeing ANOTHER doctor, this is the fourth since I've been married (three years this past June). So, if you happen to think of me tomorrow, offer up a prayer that this appointment goes well. It's a little heart breaking at times because I was so filled with hope immediately following surgery, and then to feel the same/no closer, well...it's hard.

Onto the last new...he's 2 months old, has four legs, big paws and a little bit of separation anxiety...our new puppy, Calvin! We always said we would get a fog once we bought a house, and well, that's what we did! He's a black lab we rescued from the shelter and he reminded my husband of his childhood dog growing up, Hobbs, so it was only natural that his name would be Calvin! This is all new to me since I never had a dog growing up (umm, hello GROSS that he liked to eat his old poop and occasionally hump his toy monkey!!) but I'm learning and my husband is a great teacher, so I'm sure I'll not be quite so freaked out by these crazy puppy things, sooner than later! He is sweet though and already understands the word, "no!" so that's good! Also, he'd very affectionate...he loves to walk right with you and kiss you like you are the greatest thing ever to walk planet earth!! ;)

Anyways, sorry it's been so long since my update! I promise that much time will not go between updates again! You'll just have to bare with me when it comes to typos and whatnot because of the whole typing on my phone!

And now that my hand is falling asleep, I think I'll shut up now! You are all in my prayers daily, even if my commenting has been pretty dead (but that'll change!)!!


***Update: Here's a few pictures of recent happenings:

Pumpkin fun...GO RANGERS! The one my husband and I did was the "Rangers" one! :) My older brother and his wife did the Rangers "T" and my younger brother and his wife did "the claw!" Go family time!!


Calvin!


Calvin and his toy monkey...he loves this thing! Thankfully he's only humped it twice and hadn't done it in a couple days. Thank goodness...I could not handle this if it was something that was a regular occurrence!!


And just for fun, I added this one...one of my newest crafts! My Gm had an old fence and I really wanted to make these, although it was harder than I thought!

"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith."  (Mary Manin Morrissey)

MIA

I've been MIA as of lately for a couple of reasons:

-Busy getting stuff ready for the big move next week! I cleaned the house and am trying to get the things that we have here at my Gm's house organized and ready to go. So excited to move into our new home on Tuesday!

-I'm trying my best NOT to think about where I am at this cycle. Last cycle was such a huge let down and hurt me way more than I anticipated (one would think that after almost 3 years you could handle another busted cycle...not so much), that for this cycle, I had to step back. With this came not reading into every little "symptom", no goo.gling and also, stepping back from blogging.

So that's that. I'm going to get back in the swing of things with blogging once we get moved in (it's hard to stay away!), it's just for now, I have to do this.

Call it healing.

And it's working, I feel rather rejuvenated and not so exhausted.

I'll post more once we are all settled in our new home! Also, I'm going to post a picture of a craft I did (after all it helps me de-stress), which I so cannot wait to put up in our new home!! :)

Continuing my prayers that all you lovely blogger ladies are doing well!!



"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." -Robert Brault

I guess this means we're adults now!

Well, my birthday week is pretty much rockin', as I let y'all know in my last post, BUT...it got a little better today:

WE ARE OFFICIALLY HOMEOWNERS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right! We went and closed this morning and the sellers are signing their papers as we speak. It's so crazy and doesn't feel like we really are the owners just yet...but we are! We pick up the keys later this afternoon and then my dh and I, along with my Gm, his parents and my brother and SIL, are going to see the OUR house and then to dinner to celebrate.

Another blessing and fun extra is that they sellers are leaving their really nice grill and nice dining room table. They are an older couple and they have already moved out and on and said that we could have it!

All these wonderful blessings fall on this last day of September. Why does this matter? Because I believe in God and I believe that coincidences do not happen. You see, this time last year, I got a call that would forever change my family's lives...my Gm called to say that my Gp had fallen trimming the trees. This day last year started the worst few weeks that our family has had to endure in a really long time. We watched our healthy, full of life, loved one slowly slip from this world.

I believe in my heart of hearts that my Gp is up there and praying for us, a direct contact to God! The way ALL this happened today of all days, made what was such a horrible memory into a happy one...we closed on our first home without a glitch and we know that Gp is up there smiling down on us.

Another post I'll write more about that amazing man who raised me, but for now I am off to offer up my heartfelt thanks for all the blessings that have occurred today. Like the title says, I guess now that we are officially homeowners, maybe we'll start feeling more like adults! ;)

Then again, maybe not...

I'm ok with that though!

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."

Zero calories, walks in the park, PBRs, etc...

After I wrote my "not feeling very hopeful" post early Sunday, I'm happy to report that my day completely turned around for the better.

I was struggling with truly letting go and not hanging onto the fears and anxieties that were overwhelming me. After I wrote my post, I simply kept saying, "I offer it all up to you" over and over throughout the day. Whether I believed I was truly doing it or not, I continued to say it in hopes that I would actually let go. And things looked up. I think it was a combination of three things, 1)God hearing my prayers, 2) My husband absolutely spoiling me with his love and support and 3)The prayers from all those that have offered them up for me.

I am truly blessed.

Later Sunday, feeling a bit better, we headed to a late Mass since my husband worked the night before and needed to sleep. The first thing that I noticed going to mass was that the weather was heaven sent...no hot, humid nasty weather, but rather a cool breeze filled the air. I took one of those deep breaths in and I could smell Fall.

Oh glorious Fall!

Our Texas summers get so hot that the first sign of Fall is such a huge relief and sort of gives me this second wind.

After a beautiful Mass, my DH and I decided it was off to get chocolate dipped cones. And if you have not been educated in the rules of birthday weeks, rule #1 is that calories don't count! ;) So we took our chocolate dipped cones and headed to the beautiful park that we to visit a lot when we were growing up.

We actually would come to that park before we were ever dating in high school. We pulled up and it brought back so many memories. We would go there when we just had crushes on one another, to talk about our feelings and talk about how we really felt that God wanted us in each others' lives. Then of course we would visit the park when we were dating. It was where we spilled our hearts and souls to one another about our hopes and dreams for our future dating adventures.

The last time we were there has been years. It makes me a little sad. Did life really get that busy that we couldn't take time to walk around this park that had been the location of so many heart felt talks?! Well, maybe it had but being back there reminded us of how truly blessed we were.

We've come a long way since we first walked around that park!!

After walking around the park my brother called and ask if we would sub for an hour in front of the abo.rtion clinic for the 40 days for life. So we took the 11-12am time and simply walked in front of the clinic and prayed.

My heart broke being there though, knowing that we so badly desired to conceive and to think that people went in to that building to remove the life they had created. I just prayed that God would help the women thinking of seeking the services of Plan.ned parenthood, to know that life is truly precious.

After we got home I got an amazing PBR. What's a PBR you ask?! Well it's a term I came up with...Platonic Back Rub. My husband has a bit of trouble not getting distracted while giving me a back rub, which don't get me wrong, I LOVE that he loves me and that this is a problem! ;) It's just that there are times I just want a back rub.

I get a PBR everyday of my birthday week! Lucky me!! :)

So, Sunday ended up being so amazing and I felt beyond blessed.

Priorities were back in line and I thankfully am doing way better. The power of prayer is truly amazing.

Another really amazing miracle, my beautiful little niece was born yesterday! We got to go up to the hospital (it was my DH's sister) and hold this beautiful little 6 pound 2 oz miracle for quite awhile and it was awesome. Nothing like holding a beautiful new born to help with those priorities, also!

That's about it as of now. I know that Sunday started off rough because the thought of another year passing, without children, was so completely overwhelming because I, like so many others, didn't think that this would be. I am just trying to not let myself get overwhelmed and not let the feeling of fear take over.


"For me prayer is a surge of the heart, it is a simple look towards Heaven, it is a cry of recognition and of love, embracing both trial and joy." (St. Therese of Lisieux)

Birthday week.

It's looking like I should ovulate later this week. And yes, it is looking like around/on my birthday this will happen. Oh great. Over analyzer me and my mind that doesn't seem to shush up for a moment has already started thinking "oh my goodness, what an amazing gift, what if I DO actually ovulate, what if we do conceive?, etc...". Yeah, it's really annoying to think about. To think about how this timing would seem so "perfect" and whatnot. I am trying my best not to think about it too much though because well, pretty much every time I think about the timing being perfect, it doesn't happen.

I really wish I could just STOP thinking about it. This is, in part, one of the reasons I have been down. I can't stop thinking about how badly I desire to be a mother. How badly I want my husband to be a father because he would make an amazing one. This pain is numbing. I want to be able to offer up, completely, this pain and this heart ache I feel. It's so stinkin' hard though. And, although I'm constantly praying, "YOUR will be done, I offer you my life and trust in Your Will" over and over, the pain is still there. It feels like I am still holding on to something. I don't know how to let go though. It feels like there's a thousand bricks weighing down on my chest. Why can't I just forget about it for just a day so that I can.just.breathe? Sometimes I don't feel like I am strong enough to handle this. I guess I have to pray for more strength and courage to be able to.

I know this much though, I am not giving up. I will continue to re-offer up this struggle and pain of IF to God each and every day. I WILL continue to trust throughout the pain. I will not let worry and fear over shadow the faith and hope I feel because I know that our time will come.

So yeah, it's the start of my birthday week (yes, I am a believer in birthday WEEKS!;)) and it stinks that I am feeling rather down. Here's hoping I can truly let go and let God.

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”(L.Armstrong)

40days

Since today starts the 40days for life event, I thought I would post a little something. If you are in this area and want to participate, check out the website for any questions you may have(http://www.40daysforlife.com/ftworth/):

ATTENTION ALL FT WORTH PRO-LIFERS!!
The Kick Off Rally for Fort Worth's 40 Days for Life will be Wednesday,
September 22 at 7pm in front of the Planned Parenthood on 301 South
Henderson St. Our featured speaker is Abby Johnson, former director of
the Planned Parenthood in Bryan/College Station, TX---the birthplace of
...40 Days for Life! Abby experienced a change of heart last year as she
witnessed an ultrasound-guided abortion, and then left her job! Since
then, Abby has spoken to media outlets and pro-life groups all over the country
inspiring many with her powerful story. She has given valuable insight
to the abortion industry and told her personal experience of how the
peaceful, prayerful approach of 40 Days really works! Continue to
spread the word about 40 Days for Life and please start praying now
that God will change many more hearts and save lives through your
faithful witness on the sidewalk. With God's grace and prayer, truly
anything can be accomplished!


I'm looking foward to hearing Abby talk. I remember when she had her conversion, what a powerful step for our pro-life movement. So excited to hear more and to participate this year. If you are not in this area (DFW) then check out the main web page and see what's going on in your area!

Weekend updates

Nothing too crazy or too exciting happened this weekend. Here's a recap of all that went on:

-Missed my husband like crazy, since he works nights (Wed-Sat). I really have trouble sleeping without him. One would think that after over 2 years of this I would have learned to deal with it...not so much. So, if you are one of those woman that have the blessing of getting to have their husbands home everynight...hold them a little extra tight tonight, kiss them one more time and ask God to help you not to take those special moments for granted. I will say, it has definitely helped me to really appreciate him being home the other three nights (it's like Christmas morning!!).

-The Rangers and the Cowboys lost. Boo.

-The Aggies won. WHOOP!

-We drove southbound 35 to pick up some old baby stuff from my SIL. Their little one is going to be 3 in January and they are not having anymore (another story for another time) and so they are giving away a lot of their old baby stuff. My MIL helps women who are in crisis pregnancies and so she is going to use some of that for those moms and then she said that her and I are going to go through the stuff, since it's REALLY nice (my SIL is the type to buy a $50 pair of shoes for a 3 month old...) and pick some stuff out that my DH and I want for our future miracles. Still holding onto that hope...

-No word back from our housing situation. We should hear back today or sometimes this week. The last bit is waiting on the bank and the VA (Veteran's affairs). Closing date, if all goes as planned, is still scheduled for the 30th of this month.

-I'll be 27 on October 2nd. Crazy, not quite where I thought I would be at that point in my life but also, feeling rather fortunate for all the amazing blessings that God has given me thus far...

-Last night we watched "Did you hear about the Morgans?"...yeah, IF was mentioned in the movie in case you hadn't seen it. During a random stay, they did it (for lack of better words!) and weren't "trying" really and SHOCKINGLY, they ended up getting pregnant. Insert sarcasm here. I SO saw that coming. I told me DH that it's amazing what happens when you stop trying and just relax...you get pregnant. Then I told him we should try that, ha. Insert more sarcasm. And I KNOW that some people do get pregnant when they stop trying, but for a lot of us that have something actually causing their infertility (PCOS for example) sometimes, it's not that simple.

-This cycle I am going to try my damnedest NOT to goo.gle or read into things. I want to offer it up. Really, REALLY offer it up. Last cycle was quite exhausting trying to read into everything.


I did this post in bullets because I knew that if I tried to write out an actual post it would be all over the place...doing it as bullets makes complete sense of the "random, jumping around-ness" ;)

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” (Albert Einstein)

Nothing new

It seems that CD1 has crept up on too many of us, IF girls. I so badly wanted THIS to be the month for so many of us.

God had different plans, though.

It's crazy, this cycle I have heard (via my best frenenemy forever, fb) of a few new pregnancy announcements and there also seems to be an abundance of "belly shot" pictures and nursery pictures too.

How does that even happen?! Things are pretty quiet and then CD1 is here and then there's baby stuff galore EVERYWHERE.

Maybe I'm just going to crazy.

The thing is, I totally LOVE to hear when another IF girl announces a pregnancy/adoption OR shows their beautiful belly shots OR fun nursery updates.

This I can handle.

The rest of the non-IF "civilians", well...not so much.

I'm just trying to remind myself to trust. Simply, trust. Nothing more, nothing less.

Somehow, someway, God has given me courage to keep going thus far and for that I am grateful, especially because there's been too many times than not where I have wanted to give up. The thing is though, through my prayer I have found this courage and perseverance and desire to continue to move forward.

I am hopeful.

I believe that my miracle will come...

Well, at least this is how I am feeling today. Yesterday, not so much. I thought I was ready to throw in the towel all while screaming and just being down right angry.

But today, well, the hope is back and crazy woman has left the building.

I blame hormones and how freakin' badly CD1 hurts.

Nonetheless, I am here. I am fighting. And I am hoping.

I'm still holding out that (sooner than later, please God, please) there's going to be an ABUNDANCE of pregnancy announcements to blow this beautiful IF blogger world up.

Not on FB...but in our own little world here. That would be so awesome.

Anyways, you girls have been awesome and giving me that prayers that I needed. I seriously felt them and I am so grateful for that.

Thanks for the feedback on my crafts, I do love to craft! I have thought about etsy before but was overwhelmed by the number of people on there and I felt sort of like a little fish lost in a big ol' sea of big fish! I'll possibly look into that though. I'm also thinking about giving out a few, because I think word of mouth is the best thing! Let me know if you would be interested!

P.S GO AGGIES.

In a funk

Today wasn't that great.

I went to bed in tears and when I woke up this morning I had that short moment of not realizing anything was bothering me and then,

BAM.

I remembered last night and the dreaded spotting.

And then the tears started coming back again and I remembered that I wasn't ok, I was feeling rather crummy. Going to bed sad and waking up sad don't really make for an awesome day, usually.

I so badly wanted to not let this effect me. I wanted to be strong and not be upset or down by the fact that AF was arriving. I wanted to only look on the bright side, that I was having yet another period ON MY OWN and not because I took prometrium. I wanted to remember that it was up to God and that I trusted and I was ok.

That's what I wanted, but reality set in, and as hard as I try to keep my head up, sometimes I fall. And I hurt. And I worry and the bright light I like to call hope, seems more like a dim light far away.

But I only allow this for a moment because I KNOW that without hope, without my faith I would be so completely lost and an even bigger mess than I am now! So yeah, today wasn't that great but I still have my faith and I still have my hope and that's pretty amazing if you ask me.

My DH was amazing, which is not shocking, and was such an amazing support and so full of hope and excitement at me, "starting another period on your own...this is so good!" (his words, not mine!). He really is amazing.

There's times that my heart aches for him because I so badly want to bless him with a child, I don't want my body to be broken because I know that he will be such an incredible dad.

Of course, shortly after those moments I offer up a prayer and know that God is in control and He will provide. In His timing. And it will be amazing. I don't think I could ever say this enough. And then things seem ok again after I remember this.

On a side note, my doctor's office called today and they said that my progesterone levels were too low and that I would need to start taking progesterone this new cycle. Also, they will call tomorrow about other protocol for this cycle, ie: clomid, HCG shots, etc...

Hearing all this overwhelmed me because I was so full of hope for our first TCC cycle post surgery. So full of hope and then shot down and left in a funk.

So, what do I do when I am in a funk?

I craft. It relieves so much stress for me and somehow my mind, which NEVER shuts up, is able to sort of veg out and relax. Here's some pictures of the things I created while de-stressing"





The flowers, I sewed onto a safety pin, that way you can pin them to your shirt like I did in the first two pictures, or you can pin them to a purse or bag or even use a bobby pin and add them as a hair accessory. Just something fun and pretty easy too...

I had an extra onesie so I also made this for my godson:


I do love to craft and am sure glad it doesn't cost an arm in a leg to do, other wise I would have to find a new way to get out of my funks! ;)

Also, before I go, I wanted to say yet again, THANK YOU to everyone that has offered prayers, support and kind words. I seriously don't know how I could do this without y'all. My husband is so grateful that I found such an amazing group of women because he knows that even though he's there for me always, having another woman to talk to about what I am going through helps so much. So, THANK YOU. And I know that I am not the only one in this "funk", so just know that I am thinking about y'all and praying for y'all and trusting and knowing in my heart of hearts that our miracles will come [in His perfect and holy timing].

"Keep going. Don't stop. I kept going on the road to Calvary and in spite of such agony, I got there. Look at Me and you will find new courage. And honor Me by calling Me to help you." (He and I)

12 DPO

Tonight, like most nights when my husband works, I had trouble sleeping, so I stayed up and watched a movie. While watching, thoughts would race about the "possibility of pregnancy" and so forth. It's really hard to concentrate during this dreaded 2WW, but most of you guys already know this. Today, I had pretty much felt the same, ie: sore boobs, emotional, and cramping. Those dreaded could be this or could be that symptoms...

Well, after the movie I thought, "heck it's after midnight, so technically 13 dpo so why not test again!?". Before going, I decide that I would offer up a quick prayer because if I saw another negative I had to remember to trust. Full of hope I go and grab one of my books that I find so many great quotes from (He and I) and asked the Lord to give me some inspiration. I prayed he would lead me to the exact page and phrase that he wanted. Then I opened and read this:

"Repeat this often; 'Father, may your will be done. May Your will be done..."

My heart started racing and I knew that's what He wanted me to see.

I then skip off to POAS, ok, not really skip but I'm not going to lie, I was rather excited.

I POAS and set it aside, wanting to wait the full 2 minutes before peeking.

And as I'm finishing up and waiting, I notice something...

Spotting.

Yeah, my heart dropped.

I cried.

Then saw the big fat negative on my fancy shmancy dollar tree test and really started to cry.

So, AF may be making an entrance sooner than I thought. I know, "it's not over til it's over" ie, AF showing up, but I guess it's just hard to see the spotting right now because I wasn't expecting that at all.

"...Father, may Your will be done. May Your will be done..."

11 DPO

Before I talk about stuff with me, I have to say what EVERYONE else is surely thinking about/praying about....

OH MY GOODNESS, I am SOOOO unbelievably happy for Lauren, her DH and their new baby girl!!! If you haven't already offered up a prayer today that things continue to go smoothly, do it! :) Can't wait to see pictures of this beautiful miracle!!

Ok, now that that is out of my system... :)

As the title states, I am 11 DPO and these are my current standings or symptoms:
-Boobs have continue to stay sore
-Super emotional Example, I broke into tears after my husband said a random sarcastic remark. I was shocked that I was crying. Needless to say, so was he!
-Cramps on and off but no spotting yet.

And, not going to lie. I goo.gled 11 DPO and symptoms and I am the crazy person who saw that a small handful of people say that they tested and got a positive. So what did I do. I went and tested this morning, all the while knowing in my heart of hearts it was too early. Should have listened to my heart. It was negative.

So, I told myself that I will not test again until Friday. I will wait. I can wait.

Can I wait?

Sure hope so! Seeing a negative doesn't really do much for the soul...

Also, random note. Every morning I have woken up and the first thing I do is feel my boobs...and the rejoice when I feel that they are still a little sore! Then of course I over analyze and think..."hmm, are they sore because I am feeling them so freaking much because I am excited that they are still sore because this is new??!?!"

Ugh, my mind needs to relax....

Well, I am off to finish making dinner...yumm...TACOS!!!

“The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.”

Picture Post

Yesterday I went to my in-laws to visit with my niece and nephew. The newest little niece is due any day now so I wanted to visit with them and bring them a little something to wear at the hospital when she does make her grand entrance into this world. I went to one of my favorite stores (JoAnn's Crafts) and got the material and made these:

And since you can never just buy one onesie, I had a couple of extra ones and instead of just giving plain white ones, I made one other to give to my newest niece to be:

Also, I'm sure many know, but football season has started and I am SO proud of my Aggies! We won last week against SFA and then yesterday we won again! WHOOP! It's a great start to this season!

And continuing with the "sport" theme...I couldn't write this post without bragging talking about how exciting it was the the Rangers beat the Yankees yesterday (and the day before, what, what!!) :)

So...all in all it was a good day yesterday! Looking foward to watching the Cowboys today and hoping for a win with them also!! Oh yes, and that the Rangers can beat those Yankees AGAIN! ;) I hope that this Sunday is finding everyone in good spirits!

P.S A HUGE thanks to all who gave me some advice in my previous post! It was so helpful. I really need to just ask y'all before searching online for hours...it's way easier to ask ladies that have "been there, done that!" Thanks again!