Falling is scary

We had both sides of the family over for Thanksgiving. We also had some of our good friends. I was uneasy because for some reason, this Thanksgiving the cross of IF seemed to be weighing down on me harder than ever before. Maybe also, because my younger SIL was pregnant and this was the first time the whole family would be together since the big announcement just weeks after they married.

I hated myself for even feeling bummed because I had so much to be thankful for, so I tried my best to suck it up and not let it get the best of me.

A couple of the family members were standing around "OOOing and Awwing" over the cute baby bump that my SIL wore. I stood in silence. I stood in pain, desiring that so badly.

One family member asked if we would have kids any time soon and I began to describe that we were trying but that we hadn't be able to. I explained that we had been trying, pretty much since we first got married in June '07.

I was even more hurt by the responses I heard from our families:

"Just relax."
"That's a non-issue...don't let that bring you down."
"Cancer is a reason to feel down...not NOT having a baby."

And the comments kept coming. I was overwhelmed and completely broken. I told my DH that we should step outside to get air because I was about to break down.

We went outside but there was no getting away from people because we had such a large family and too many friends around.

We walked over to a little cliff to look over and I began crying and screaming to my husband that I wished that people would understand that my pain is real.

I thought it was odd that when I looked over, my DH was smoking. He hadn't smoked a cigarette in years (his last deployment to Iraq right before we were married).

Then it happened.

I tripped.

I grabbed his arm and we fell.

The cliff was a far way down and we were falling...

I closed my eyes and begged for God to save us.

I then began to imagine a way we could fall and land without our bones being crushed.

Maybe if we land on our sides...or our back...or maybe just our legs...

No, we were doomed.

I opened my eyes and looked at my DH. He had that dern cigarette in one hand and my hand in his other hand. He looked so calm. He trusted. You could see what he was feeling..."what was happening was ALREADY happening and there was nothing we could do but just go with it."

Then I woke up.

Yeah, obviously this did not happen to me but it did in my dream two nights ago. I woke up in tears, my body was shaking and my heart was racing so badly.

It felt SO real and even typing it makes me shake.

IF it taking over my dreams. The place where I usually dream about having kids or being rich or flying high in the sky...a place of no worries.

But not the other night. This dream literally scared me awake. Later that day I goo.gled "dreams" because I was curious if it meant anything.

Then I read this:
"As a symbol, falling highlights a loss of emotional equilibrium or self-control. You may fear "letting go" in real life. Anxiety usually accompanies this dream. It may represent your insecurity, a lack of self-confidence, a fear of failure or an inability to cope with a situation. "

This is exactly how I have been feeling lately. Grr IF, do NOT take over my dreams! I love dreaming...I usually have very vivid dreams that are HAPPY, not like falling. Actually the only other time I had a dream where I woke up because I was so scared was when I was in elementary school and a shark almost bit my Gm...so yeah, it's been quite awhile...

Honestly, I think it was because I was so nervous because this was the first holiday that I was really feeling the heaviness of the IF cross:
1st holidays married: hopeful but not sad.
2nd: A little worried but still full of hope.
3rd: My Gp's death had just occurred and all we could do was try and "get through" the holidays.
4th: This year...emotionally I couldn't do it.

I actually took a couple "bathroom breaks" where I would let myself cry because I was hurting. I had to. I wasn't about to cry in front of my crazy, fun-filled family!

You see, when I got to my GM's on Wed, I had the puppy in tow for my cousins to play with him. The first thing my aunt said was, "Oh, you are a puppy person...you don't have a baby bag but rather a puppy bag!"

NOT what I wanted to hear.

They know we are struggling but don't understand how badly it hurts.

I laughed it off and carried on.

Then on Thanksgiving during our prayer, my Gm mentioned that we had made it a year since GP passed and that we had a lot to be thankful for...especially this new baby that my SIL was carrying. Then my other aunt says, "yeah...FINALLY a new generation...yay!"

I know that people don't mean to hurt me but I wish that people would be more sensitive. I of course will not say anything because I know that don't mean anything by it but like I said, I wish they would TRY and be sensitive.

All in all Thanksgiving was good, although I know i've only talked about the difficulty I was struggling with WITHIN...I have a lot to be grateful for and I know that.

So, instead of ending on a bummer note, I am going to list what I am grateful for:
-My faith and Lord. Without Him, I know I wouldn't be able to survive the hardships.
-My DH. His constant love and support amaze me everyday. My dream portrayed it perfectly...me freaking out and him trusting and going with the flow. I wish I could be more like him.
-My family. Even though there are certain remarks said, I know that they love me and would do anything for me. Their support is amazing also.
-My friends.
-My health.
-My husband's job because of it we have our home and a full fridge.
And the list goes on...

I hope that everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I hope that if you were hurting because your arms were empty, dreaming you had a little one to fill it, that you still remembered to stop and think about the blessings.

Because they are everywhere and if we focus too hard on our crosses, we miss seeing them.

“When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength”