TTC History: Part 2

I really thought I would have been able to sit down and write our entire TTC history in one sitting...but that obviously didn't work.

Carrying on:

-September '08: Dr. P immediately discovers that I have PCOS. A SIMPLE sonogram of my ovaries shows this right away. Why my other doctor didn't do this...well, God only knows. He decides he wants to try a couple medicines and is hopeful, that by taking them at a very specific time each month, that we will get pregnant sooner than later. I like the sound of this and feel very confident. Here's the list of medicines that he had me begin with:
B6 every day
Mucinex and Ampicillin (because I had little to no CM).
Prometrium to jump start my periods
Metformin
Clomid
Estradiol
He also had us do a SA for the dh...once again, the other doctor never even mentioned the importance of testing my dh which blows my mind because what good would it be to do all these medicines just to find out your husband's semen is no good?! I am a little bitter about the time wasted with my old doctor, as you can tell, but I am trying my best to forget about it, which usually I do but sitting here and typing it out...well, it's bringing back some of that bitterness! Anyways, he has me come in on day 14 to do a sonogram to measure follicles. My body does not respond to the clomid the first month.

-October '08: Meet with a Creighton instructor and learn to chart. My chart shows that I do not ovulate. I have little CM and each day I'm looking I'm searching and hoping for this so called EWCM. I got nothing. I have brown spotting each month so he adds another medicine to help with that, Dexametha(something) I don't remember and I don't have the list in front of me, sorry! We continue with the same medicines.

-November '08: He ups the dosage of Clomid since my body didn't respond the first two months on it. All the other medicines stay the same.

-December '08 through February '09: We continue the same medicine (but taken at different days and at different doses) and continue to go in on day 14 for a sonogram to measure the follicles. We have yet to have a follicle(s) that are even big enough to measure. I'm getting very discouraged and the driving 45 minutes each month to get let down is starting to weigh on my heart/body/soul/mind, etc... My dh and I try and remember that even though we are doing these medicines that the doctor thinks will help, ultimately it is up to God when we conceive. Trying to stay hopeful even though I'm feeling rather defeated...

-March '09: He decides to do the same things but now introduce Femera instead of Clomid.

-April through July '09: Continue taking the medicines, upping the dosage of Femera each month in hopes that my body will respond. Still nothing! At this point I am convinced that my body will never respond to the medicines. I talk to my doctor about this and he says that I have to be patient and that he is starting us out on the smallest dosages of each medicines and working our way up and that time will tell whether or not it will work. Yeah...about that whole time thing, another anniversary is celebrated in June and I am really saddened by the fact that my body has not ovulated AT ALL since we have been married. The idea that the first two years of our marriage we have never even been in a position to create a little miracle breaks me heart. At this point I am thinking over and over again about how when I grew up I knew that you fall in love, get married, and with that love you create a little soul...that simple. This whole IF world is something that I never even knew existed. I am sad because I feel like I am the only one who is going through this.

-August '09: He decides to up the Femera once again and continue the other medicines and also introduce HCG shots. I don't remember the exact dosage, but I knew that it was a shot a day from day 8 until day 14 when they would do the sonograms to test the size of follicles. I am hopeful that this will certainly do something! I mean, how can you take shots and medicines and have timed intercourse and NOT get pregnant?! Oh, little naive me...

-September through November '09: Continuing the same thing. Medicines, shots, sonograms, etc.. And I am still not seeing anything worth measuring. I have my 26th birthday in October and have a melt down. I thought for certain that I would have a least one if not two kids by now! I mean, come on...I met my DH when we were in middle school and we dated off and on throughout HS until becoming serious in college. It was all too perfect... I'm trying to hold my head up even though I am scared to death at this point that maybe God just doesn't want me to have children.

-December '09: Go in for the routine "slap in the face there's going to be nothing" sonogram and low and behold there's three dominant follicles! I start to cry as if I have seen my own baby in there or something! My husband and I (bless his heart, he would drive each month with me to my appointments) are overjoyed that God has done this for us. We had both felt so defeated and had been let so much that we needed this little boost. We take the massive HCG shot and my butt hurts like heck but I gracefully take that pain and skip out of the office hand in hand with my husband knowing that "this was the month"!

-January '10: I was beyond thrilled this would be my first month throughout our 2.5 years of marriage that I got to POAS and we could maybe be pregnant. Those two weeks were the most crazy weeks ever. I seriously googled everything that happened to my body: pregnancy symptoms and 'headaches, frequent bathroom trips, thirstiness, hurt big toe (ok, not really but you get the picture)' because I was convinced that maybe just maybe I was carrying our little soul that we had created. NOT...AF comes on a dreary rainy day (actually blogged about this) and I am feeling.so.let.down. My doctor said we would continue the same thing and hope for some more dominant follicles. But after talking a week later after AF, his nurse calls and says that he thinks it's best for us to see an actual RE. He recommends my newest doctor down in San Antonio because she is great at what she does, is a strong Catholic/Christian and has done this so called "wedge resection" surgery which people tend to go to next when the medicines alone don't work. Well, I say people usually go to next but really I mean the ones who don't do IVF.

And so here we are now...looking like we will have the surgery next month. Part of me is hopeful that this will help and this will be our year. Another part of me is terrified out of my mind about the possibility of this not working. Either way, we are trusting that God put us in this exact place with the exact doctor where we will have this exact surgery FOR A REASON. We have always prayed for HIS will to be done and we are trusting that we are exactly where we are suppose to be.

I have my "high" days and I have my "low" days. I still feel that God has put this desire to conceive and have children on my heart and because of this I remain hopeful. I knew getting married what I thought would be the perfect timing for all of this to happen and we have learned the hard way, that if you pray for His will to be done expect it to be in His perfect (and holy) timing.

***Edit:

-July '10: Drove down to San Antonio and had a laproscopic surgery done. My doctor performed the ovarian wedge on one ovary and ovarian drilling on the other. She found some mild endometriosis on my tubes and removed that. After that the dye shot through wonderfully and she said everything looked great.

-August '10: After my surgery the a huge improvement happened...I started my period ON MY OWN and from this point on, I wouldn't need anything to "jump start" it.  We thought surely if I'm getting my period on my own then we'll be pregnant by the end of the year.

-October '10: My SIL tells us about her OBGYN and how he does such a "thorough job" with checking follicles and progesterone and whatnot.  We decide we don't want to "waste" any time just hoping my body is working properly after surgery, so we decide to set up an appointment with him.  He is shocked to hear that we have been open to life since we got married and that we had been actively seeking medical help for almost 3 years.  Of course his first question is about IVF.  :/ I explain our stance and he says he respects that.

Oct. '10-Aug. '11: Many months, blood work, doctor's visits, sonograms and pills later, we realize that our current doctor may not be the one for us.  1)he's not really a RE 2)he seems to only stick with prescribing clomid and checking follicles and giving a booster shot (which, thankfully because of the surgery, we saw quite a few dominate follicles...something we had never seen before).  But since because of my crummy progesterone readings and whatnot, he suspected I had LUFS and then wanted us to see his specialist (ie: IVF doctor.).

Aug. '11-Dec. '12: We decide to take another much needed break as we discern whether or not our next step will be with the Gianna institute in Austin or with PPVI in Omaha.

Dec. '11: We get a call from my MIL that changes our focus.  We are told there is a young teenage mom who is looking for a couple to adopt her unborn baby.  She is about 3 months along and wants it to be a closed adoption.  My DH and I's hearts race at the thought that maybe, just maybe we are already parents and we didn't even know about it.  Our hearts were always open to the idea of adoption, but because of costs, we were never able to fully pursue, and besides, since we had always been smack dab in the middle of IF treatments, our focus was not on it.  We get excited about the idea of being parents and discuss how this is the closest we have ever gotten to a BFP.  Just as quickly as the news came to us, we received word that this young mom aborted her child.  I felt as though I had miscarried this precious, innocent baby.  My heart was shattered as was my DH's.  Words do not even begin to describe the pain that we encountered with this.  All that kept us going was our faith in God and all that he brought to us.

Jan. '12: Excitedly begin to gather all our paper work to send off to Omaha.  We decided that we wanted to go to the "head honcho" of Catholic IF, Doctor Hilgers!

Feb. '12: In the midst of gathering stuff for PPVI, my heart is heavy and I feel so lonely and sad.  2012 was not a good start to a year.  I seemed to cry more than smile and I felt as though I was barely clinging to the hope and faith that had given me strength for so long.

March '12: Finally have everything ready to go and send off our packet and just wait for word back.

April '12: In the midst of waiting to hear back from PPVI, we are presented with another adoption possibility.  My dh is immediately apprehensive, since the last adoption opportunity turned out so very horribly.  Were our hearts healed from the last time?  Could we handle it if things turned out the same way?  In the end we decided to pray about it and that if it was God's will for us to be the parents of this little one, due in August, then the doors would open.  We unfortunately never heard from this young mom or her mom again, but word was that she decided to parent-which I would take ANY day over abortion.  My heart was sad that yet another opportunity was passing us, but so grateful that this young mom chose life.

May '12: We hear back from PPVI!!!  We are going to start working with them and the next thing on the list is to schedule a laproscopic surgery and trip up to Omaha!  After so many months of feeling defeated, this month we were both full of HOPE and full of FAITH that God had us right were he wanted us.  This month, I also come down with strep throat and the little care clinic prescribes ammoxicillan.  I get excited because I notice a LOT of CM-which I attribute to the meds.

June '12: Miracle of Miracles!  Right before our 5 year anniversary...I see what I thought I'd never see...DOUBLE LINES on a pregnancy test!!!!  It seems the meds were not the only things causing the abundance of CM for this PCOS gal, it seems I had actually ovulated on.my.own and potentially for the first time in over 5 years!  My progesterone was horrible 6.4 and the doctors thought surely I would miscarry, but thankfully since we had just heard back from the PPVI they agreed to monitor my progesterone throughout the pregnancy.

Lots of shots, blood draws and pills put up you know where and here we are....January '13 and less than a month away from meeting our sweet daughter, a miracle that we had only ever dreamt about and hoped for....


"Everyday holds the possibility of a miracle..."

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." (Mother Teresa of Calcutta)

TTC History part 1: *edit: had my years wrong!

When I discover a new IF blogger my first thing I love to do is read their TTC history. The second is when they have (and I truly pray for those that I read, will indeed) get pregnant and what they were doing at that point. So, I decided that although I have my history in different posts, I want to do what I love to see, it all listed out together in one place! Here we go:

-From the age of 13-18: I had a small amount of periods...sooooo spread out and soooo irregular! My regular OBGYN said it was because I was so active with my running that it was normal and puts me on the pill (makes me sad to look back and see that I could have been working with helping my PCOS as opposed to masking it...but I was naive and didn't know any better, besides I wasn't on the pill to prevent pregnancy so I figured there was nothing wrong).

-June '07: We get married. I immediately STOP the pill because I knew what it would do if we were to conceive on it. I think about how neat it would be to have a honeymoon baby and get to work on that! ;)

-August '07: Haven't had a period since before my wedding and although I know it's because there is something wrong with me, I still put myself through the torture of POAS because, once again, I think how neat it would be to be pregnant this early into our marriage! I go back to my old OBGYN, yes the one that prescribed the pill, and ask what's going on with me?! They say there's nothing wrong, I should have stayed on the pill to regulate my periods but that they will try this stuff called prometrium to help me "jump start" my periods each month.

-January '08: This month we go back to them and say there's got to be something wrong and would like them to run some tests to see what's going on with my body. I wasn't a snooty little newly wed upset that I wasn't pregnant by then (I knew we had just gotten married!) but I knew there was something wrong. Call it woman's intuition I guess (oh yeah, and the lack of periods without medicine!). He checks my uterus and tubes (ouch..dye test is SO not fun!). However, he simply rules out PCOS because I'm "too thin, my boobs are too big" and decides that Clomid helps some people to get pregnant so we try this for a few months.

-February, March and April '08: I am blindly given this so called magical drug that helps people to get pregnant. And don't worry, I definitely made sure that it was OK with the Church's teachings first. They say to take it so many days after I start my period and then come in for a blood test a week or so later. I knew NOTHING about what was going on or why they were doing what they were doing. They didn't explain the importance of timing of anything. Looking back it makes me mad that time was wasted on this because they didn't follow up thoroughly enough. Yeah, I suppose I should have asked but I was in denial that there was something wrong. I wanted so badly for it to be easy where all I would have to do is take this medicine and bam...pregnant.

-May '08: Not pregnant and feeling rather defeated. Especially since my doctor tells me that I have "issues" and that they can't help me and that I needed to see a RE. My world is broken and nothing seems to be as devastating as hearing this. Oh wait, the day after I am told that I'm broken, the nice (ha, yeah right) doctor calls and tells me, "Goodluck...call me when you are pregnant and I'll deliver!" Yeah right like I was going to call them...they had done nothing for me! They hadn't run more tests to see what could be wrong. There was no way I was ever going back to them.

-June '08: One year anniversary. We are literally taken to dinner by two different sets of friends because they had bet that we would totally be pregnant before our one year anniversary. We were just "that" couple who would be popping kids out left and right! I wish. Both friends said if not,(we figured we would win either way: free food if not, baby is so!) then they had to treat us to any dinner we chose. On our wedding day this little bet seemed cute and innocent enough. This time, going to dinner with them wasn't quite the fun I had expected. I really wanted a baby.

-July '08: Discuss with my friend about how we were struggling but don't go into details. (I've mentioned this next part in my first post but thought I would repeat so it's all together now). She refers us to an amazing OBYGN who is Catholic and helps women that deal with fertility issues. We feel SOOO excited and hopeful about this!

-August '08: We finally are able to meet with this amazing Catholic doctor. He tells us he is going to run some tests and wants us to start charting. I had heard about charting but had never really thought about it. The first thing he says from simply hearing my history so far, "I think it's PCOS but I want to run tests first."

-So the testing and charting begins immediately following that first appointment...


I would totally continue to write out the entire history, but writing it out in a sort of (detailed, sorry sometimes I ramble on and on and on...) time line is taking way more time than I intended and I have stuff to do. So this is part 1 and I'll write out part 2 another time.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow."