Birthday week.

It's looking like I should ovulate later this week. And yes, it is looking like around/on my birthday this will happen. Oh great. Over analyzer me and my mind that doesn't seem to shush up for a moment has already started thinking "oh my goodness, what an amazing gift, what if I DO actually ovulate, what if we do conceive?, etc...". Yeah, it's really annoying to think about. To think about how this timing would seem so "perfect" and whatnot. I am trying my best not to think about it too much though because well, pretty much every time I think about the timing being perfect, it doesn't happen.

I really wish I could just STOP thinking about it. This is, in part, one of the reasons I have been down. I can't stop thinking about how badly I desire to be a mother. How badly I want my husband to be a father because he would make an amazing one. This pain is numbing. I want to be able to offer up, completely, this pain and this heart ache I feel. It's so stinkin' hard though. And, although I'm constantly praying, "YOUR will be done, I offer you my life and trust in Your Will" over and over, the pain is still there. It feels like I am still holding on to something. I don't know how to let go though. It feels like there's a thousand bricks weighing down on my chest. Why can't I just forget about it for just a day so that I can.just.breathe? Sometimes I don't feel like I am strong enough to handle this. I guess I have to pray for more strength and courage to be able to.

I know this much though, I am not giving up. I will continue to re-offer up this struggle and pain of IF to God each and every day. I WILL continue to trust throughout the pain. I will not let worry and fear over shadow the faith and hope I feel because I know that our time will come.

So yeah, it's the start of my birthday week (yes, I am a believer in birthday WEEKS!;)) and it stinks that I am feeling rather down. Here's hoping I can truly let go and let God.

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”(L.Armstrong)