Blessing and how my brain works sometimes.

My DH found out yesterday, during his in service, that state legislative just passed a bill that will start in January 2011...it allows active duty police officers to pursue their degrees and the state will pay for them to get it! Of course their are some stipulations but how exciting! He's always wanted to get his degree, but the door for that hasn't been opened to us until now. Another amazing thing about it is that since he is also a veteran, he will rate his GI bill...bringing in extra money each month he is in school!

Of course, the tracks in my brain (does that even make sense?!) started going and I thought that if he started next Fall, by then surely [fingerscrossedprayersofferedpleasedearGodifitbeyourwil] we will have a baby or at least pregnant and then he'll be bringing in that extra money around that time. What a blessing this could be.

I've found that this is how my brain works on a lot of stuff. I find out something, let's say a friend's wedding, and I think, "well, if that it's a year, and we get pregnant in the next few months...well, I could be about to either a)pop or 2)have a little one nestled in my arms."

Also, let's say, someone talks about taking a trip, whether it be a road trip or a plane trip I instantly think, "well, if we get pregnant now, then I'll be about to pop and there's no way I could travel then!"

Or, last December when we actually found some pretty looking mature follicles (only an IF would say this, I'd imagine!) and we took the honker of a HCG shot, I instantly thought, "if we do get pregnant, then the baby would around the time GP passed, it would be as if his soul left and another soul is entering the world..."

And lastly, I think about if we do indeed get pregnant in the next couple a months, it would be around the time GP passed, and thus sparking the same thought as the one mentioned above.

Call me crazy.

Blame it on my wild imagination.

I know I play the "what if" game a lot, it's just hard not to.

Part of it's exciting to think about because I know that when it happens, it's going to be truly beautiful and the timing will be something beyond my wildest dreams.

Another part of it's exhausting. I don't want to always think, "what if" but some how it just happens...without me even trying to think about it.

I guess all in all I blame it on (not really blame, but you get the idea) the fact that I still believe in my heart of hearts that this desire to conceive and raise children is from God and therefore, these thoughts are going to happen because that desire is there.

I have prayed that God take the desire if it's not in His will, but like I've mentioned numerous times before, He always seems to lead us in a direction where the path ultimately could lead to conception.

So, I guess I'll take my crazy thoughts of "what if's" and go with it.

I'm going to keep my head held high.

I'm going to keep on trusting.

Oh, what an adventure this so called life has been...

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. (Albert Einstein)

Tuesday's thoughts:

I have a bunch of random thoughts running around my head and so I thought I would just list them out, for my own sake really...

-I have read so many posts by others recently that have been almost exactly what I have been feeling. It's so crazy. Really though, it's just a reminder from God that we aren't alone...

-No job yet. And really, I don't mind (well, the really not denting our debt I mind...just not the working part). It's hard to explain to people but all the other jobs that I have ever worked/will work just don't do it for me. It's so hard to explain. I am not wanting to be a pretty princess that stays home while her husband works his butt off to provide, it's just that I desire so badly to be a mom that all the other jobs are simply that...just jobs. For example, my husband is a police officer and he LOVES it. He's been on for over 2 years and still gets excited about going in. He loves what he does, the people he works with and knows that God put him in that job. Now, for me, any job that I have had in the past (don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed some of them at times) there was always something missing and it always felt like something to do "in the mean time". Anyways, I have tried to find one, anyone at this point and it's pretty stinkin' hard. Go economy.

-Yesterday it got up to 107! And no, that wasn't the heat index, that was the actual temperature! Grr...so looking foward to Fall already!!!

-We are meeting with our Realtor next week to look at some houses. Thankfully, there have been quite a few of them that have gone down in the few weeks we have taken off from looking! Fingers crossed we find something we like.

-I have been going to adoration quite a bit lately. I guess there's been so much on my mind that I am trying to give it to God and not let worry consume my heart. I've been rather anxious off and on it seems and I don't want to live like that. I want to just trust and know that His plans and timing are perfect. Always. However, it seems that I will go from excited and hopeful one day to almost a panic and fear (of the unknown) the next. I recently started doing some novenas again (St. Therese and St. Gerard) and asking for peace and it really seems to be working. Prayer is rather powerful and I know that I will probably have to re-offer up my pains, sorrows and fears on more than one occasion. It's definitely not a, "well, I offered it up and am good to go now..." sort of thing.

-My "high" of the week is that my DH has inservice and so his hours are 8-5pm and so we get to have dinner together every night and sleep together! I seriously feel so beyond blessed to have this. Since he usually works 4 nights out of the week, I don't really sleep that well but now, we have been able to pray our rosary together each night before bed and then we get to sleep together! Pure joy.

"The desire of every human heart is love" (Anonymous)

Ignorance is bliss

I don't even know where to start typing right now...my mind is sort of all over the place. I guess I'll start with the day of the surgery...

We had to be at the hospital at 5am and I was cool as a cucumber. We checked in and the nurse was so sweet and answered all our questions, ok, really she answered all my husband's questions because I was, like I mentioned, cool as a cucumber. It still didn't feel real that I was about to have this infamous surgery that we had thought about, dreamt about, prayed about and thought about for so long now. It started to feel a little more real when I was asked to slip in the gown and socks and lay in the bed though.

Then it felt even more real when they gave me my IV...I was surprised when they didn't want to do it in my right arm where I always got blood drown from (I suggested this because this was where my best veins were located!)...but rather they needed to put it in my hand. Nerves definitely started sinking in at this point.

Then the anesthesiologist came by and discussed what he would be doing. The one thing I will say about the nursing staff and all those that worked with me on Tuesday is that they were so sweet and compassionate. They seriously made me feel like the most important person and like I was their only patients. I loved that.

My doctor came by and we talked about what she was doing and then she grabbed my hand and my husband's hand and led us in prayer.

At this point I was just about in tears. And not because I was scared of what would happen or what they may or may not find...but I had a sense of peace rush over me and I knew that that was exactly where God wanted me to be. I kissed my husband and was given some "margarita" through my IV and off we went...

Ignorance is bliss.

I woke up in so much pain. And I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I had no idea I would be aching so badly nor did I realize how groggy and out of it I would feel. In all my go.ogling days leading up to surgery, not once did I search for what to expect AFTER surgery. Oh boy, is ignorance is bliss. If I had known, my anxiety level would have been a bit higher.

The surgery took about 2 hours, I was in recovery for about an hour and then my husband came back and it took another (almost) 2 hours before I was "well enough" to make it to the car to go to the hotel. I slept 18+ hours after we got back to the hotel. My husband was so amazing, helping me get up and getting me food to eat so that I could take my medicine. I seriously fall more and more in love with him each day...

I'm switching between pain meds and extra strength tyl.anol and am healing. Each day gets a bit better. I will say this though, when I try and do too much at one time my body goes from feeling pretty damn good to feeling like it was hit by a ton of bricks. My DH told me not to be too stubborn and just relax! My GM told me the same thing today after I was trying to organize some things here at her house. Oh yeah, and when a nurse called and checked up on me she said the same thing...I guess I need to just take it easy!

I don't think that I thought too long or too hard about the fact that I was having actual surgery because I thought I would be back to normal by now. Call me crazy, but I usually bounce back from sickness and other things pretty quickly, so I just assumed this would be no different. My doctor told me that for everyone, it's different and although some may be fine in a few days, others take up to two weeks or so. I hope that I fall somewhere in the middle! Thankfully my DH, Gm and family have been incredible with showering us with prayers and support during all this.

Ok, after typing all this out I realized that I haven't mentioned specifics about the actual surgery...so here goes: The wedge resection and drilling went great. She said that my ovaries looked great and my uterus looked great also. She found mild endometriosis and removed it and afterwards my tubes looked wonderful (she did the dye test and it flowed WONDERFULLY she said). She said that she was impressed that everything looked so beautifully (her words, not mine...never thought I would hear those words!) and that she was glad she found and removed the endometriosis. I have stitches in my belly button and over my left ovary and down by my uterus which I'll go back in two weeks to get removed.

Oh yeah, my old Dr. that referred us to this new doctor actually showed up to the hospital to assist during the surgery and to talk with my husband. He said he has worked with us for so long he was eager to help. It was so sweet to know that he didn't have to be there but stopped by to show his support.

Sorry this post is all over the place...I blame it on exhaustion, pain meds and excitement that everything is over...

Oh the anticipation....

Did she?

Didn't she?

Did she finally call and set up that appointment for the surgery next month?!?!

Ok, I don't want to leave you hanging anymore! I did call.

I was still nervous about doing it but I said a prayer, sucked it up and simply called. So yeah, I was nervous and called...was put on hold and then when I was finally connected they said they were sending me blood work that I needed to complete (no earlier than a month before the surgery) and send back in and then she would call me and set up the actual date for the surgery. So, I will do the blood work sometimes after the 1st of July and then go from there.

Wow. That wasn't a big deal AT all. I got off the phone and my hands were clammy, (yes one of those lucky women who get really sweaty when nervous, well who am I kidding, I get sweaty really easily anyways!) my heart was still racing a bit and the surgery wasn't even scheduled!

I'm glad that we are one step closer to it though. These last couple of days are just another reminder that I'm so done doing the medications each month just to be let down. This surgery will be a good thing. We have spoken to our doctor about it, we've done research and looked up testimonials online and have prayed a lot about it. It's definitely the next thing.

It's been so odd NOT taking medications these last couple of months. It had literally been over 2 years on medications and each month it seemed like all I was doing was counting and thinking about what cycle day I was on so that I would know what medication/shots to take. It's been really weird actually...sort of just "living" like a normal non-IFer... Part of me likes the idea that I am not taking all the meds because it feels sort of refreshing but then of course the other part of me thinks that these last couple months have been wasted. It's a bittersweet sort of thing. I will say this, being intimate with my husband has been better though because there's no pressure or timing consuming our minds thinking about not "wasting" days. It's been really nice...once again, just sort of "living" in the moments with him! Ok, I swear I wont go on and on about me and my husband's (amazing, awesome, sexy, fun, steamy...) time together! ;)

So that's it for now. I'm trying really hard to appreciate these moments though. As hard as it can be at times, right now I am ok with everything. I feel hopeful, happy and excited and well...since these times are far and few when it comes to trying for a baby, I'm going to take these feelings and run with it! I'm trying to keep thinking positive and trying my very best to make these feelings last as long as possible. So far so good.

Well that's all for now, since my DH left for work I've got some of my DVR shows to catch up on (Real Housewives of NY and Jersey, Bachelorette, etc...you know the really educational and intellectually stimulating shows!).

"Enjoy this moment. For this moment is your life."

Just because you're a parent doesn't mean you'll be a good one

I laid out by the pool yesterday with two of my girlfriends. I always enjoy doing this, it's relaxing and a fun way to catch up! We'll usually have a cold beverage and some magazines and people watch by the pool! So fun!!

However, yesterday at the pool I was so annoyed. I am amazed at some people who have children. There were 3 kids playing in the pool, two were about 6 years old and the other was 4. Their parents were drinking beer and playing sand volleyball OUTSIDE of the pool area most of the time. I was sitting there thinking to myself, "I would give anything to be at this pool with my own children." At one point there was a mom drinking her beer and smoking her cigarette by the pool and the little 6 year old girl goes, "Mommy, if I hold your cigarette and beer will you get in the water for a bit?" The mom just laughed and turned to her friends and continued to talk.

I just can't believe this. I definitely struggle with this. Seeing people who don't seem to care or even realize that they are parents. They don't see what a gift their children are. I don't understand how these people who don't really care are able to get pregnant so easily, without even trying!

My husband struggles with this also. He is a police officer and works nights in a not so great part of town. He, for the most part, is able to be the "strong" one emotionally when it comes to our fertility struggles. He is amazing like that and I'm so thankful for this because I can turn into an emotional mess when I hear about another pregnancy announcement, when I attend another baby shower, etc... However, when he goes on calls where there are 3 generations of women, all under the age of 40 living in the same house where the 4 year olds and 3 year olds are outside at 3 am because they have no one watching them because mom and grandma are drinking and getting high in the back, well...it hurts him. He's told me that when he leaves calls like that he finds himself asking God, "why them? They don't even care that they have children! Why them and not us?" It's just so sad to see all the abuse he sees and not ask why.

I'm thankful for the moments where he has an emotional down because well, it's one way I'm able to relate. He's always so strong, logical and trusting it seems so I'm thankful for the moments he lets himself ask those questions, because after all we are only human! He doesn't let it get to him all the time but he how can you not after seeing it so much. He's a much stronger person than I am. If I was in his position I would simply want to take those children home with me! Or say something about their crappy parenting skills! Well, you get the picture!

So this post has turned into one about my amazing husband! :) I realized I haven't really mentioned what he does and so I guess this was a good way to tell a little about him! I'm sure there will be plenty more posts about him where I can brag about how awesome I think he is! ;) But for now, I'm off to shower...

"Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist."