Doctor's appointment yesterday

Although I did post yesterday about all the craziness that happened...it just didn't feel right to sit and add more about the doctor's visit. No worries, it gives me something to write about today! :) Go me for updating!

Like I mentioned yesterday, I was over an hour late because my dumb iphone led me in the wrong direction. I thought surely that they would cancel or want to reschedule, which I did NOT want them to do because I had to drive an hour to see them in the first place. However, when I called to get better directions and much to my surprise, the secretary actually put the doctor on to give me directions.

This calmed me down a bit. You see, with my old doctor in SA (the awesome doctor one on one but not so much with follow ups), when I would call to talk to her I would wait for 15 minutes and then talk to either the secretary or maybe, if I was lucky, the nurse.

Never, ever, EVER have I spoken to her on the phone.

So anyways, I made it there and then of course couldn't find the suite number. Apparently the one listed online was the old one, leading me to the wrong tower. But thankfully a nice nurse helped me out and I found where I was suppose to be.

I got there and filled out the pile of papers that are expected at the first doctor's appointments.

I waited 20 minutes or so and then I saw the doctor.

In his nice, cushy office. It was a little different to not be sitting on a paper roll on a table in some cold, small room. This was refreshing, indeed!

He said, "So, you want to get pregnant?"

I said, "Yes! My husband and I have been trying for almost 3 years..."

Then the first thing out of his mouth was, "has anyone ever told you about IVF?"

I said that I had indeed heard of it but I would never do it. He asked me why and I explained to him that, without going into the numerous other reasons why my husband I did not agree with it, the main thing was that we believed that life begins at conception. When the egg is fertilized we believe that is a human being, a baby. The idea of discarding the "bad" ones or freezing them in itself was terrible to us.

He just sat there and said he understood. And then proceeded to talk about our plan of action.

You see, I knew that this was a possibility with this doctor. My SIL had told me that he's not opposed to IVF but that he's extremely respectful of everyone's beliefs.

This was way different for me. My first doctor had no clue what she was doing and said to "see a specialist" and then by the grace of God I was lead to an amazing Catholic doctor and THEN to another Catholic doctor, who performed our surgery. It was just strange to be asked about IVF and to be talking to a doctor that isn't Catholic and already on board with all my beliefs.

Anyways, in a nutshell he's having me come in next Friday for some blood work and then is going to start me back on Metformin and the Clomid, etc..

He's really good at what he does, my SIL said, and I am hopeful.

Hopeful but scared shi*less. Not going to lie.

I am trying my very best to be FULL of hope and TRUST. But I am so scared because I feel no closer to our ultimate goal of healing my body so that we can conceive, than I did three years ago.

Also, this cycle I am noticing nothing. CD13 and not a lot of mucous, no sore boobies...

Nothing.

Stupid PCOS.

I am terrified that my body has reverted BACK to the way it was a few short months ago before the surgery. And if this is this case, will the medicine react the same way as it did before then? IE: no reaction at all?

Ok, now that I have vented my, "I'm so scared!" rant, I'm going to RE-offer it up and trust that God has led me to this doctor for a reason.

Lord,
I put my trust in you.
I hurt.
I am scared.
But I trust.
Into Your hands I put all this fear and anxiety.
Nothing is TOO big for you to handle.
I trust.
I believe.
Love,
Little ol' me.


“Fear of failure must never be a reason not to try something.” (Frederick Smith quotes)

Zero calories, walks in the park, PBRs, etc...

After I wrote my "not feeling very hopeful" post early Sunday, I'm happy to report that my day completely turned around for the better.

I was struggling with truly letting go and not hanging onto the fears and anxieties that were overwhelming me. After I wrote my post, I simply kept saying, "I offer it all up to you" over and over throughout the day. Whether I believed I was truly doing it or not, I continued to say it in hopes that I would actually let go. And things looked up. I think it was a combination of three things, 1)God hearing my prayers, 2) My husband absolutely spoiling me with his love and support and 3)The prayers from all those that have offered them up for me.

I am truly blessed.

Later Sunday, feeling a bit better, we headed to a late Mass since my husband worked the night before and needed to sleep. The first thing that I noticed going to mass was that the weather was heaven sent...no hot, humid nasty weather, but rather a cool breeze filled the air. I took one of those deep breaths in and I could smell Fall.

Oh glorious Fall!

Our Texas summers get so hot that the first sign of Fall is such a huge relief and sort of gives me this second wind.

After a beautiful Mass, my DH and I decided it was off to get chocolate dipped cones. And if you have not been educated in the rules of birthday weeks, rule #1 is that calories don't count! ;) So we took our chocolate dipped cones and headed to the beautiful park that we to visit a lot when we were growing up.

We actually would come to that park before we were ever dating in high school. We pulled up and it brought back so many memories. We would go there when we just had crushes on one another, to talk about our feelings and talk about how we really felt that God wanted us in each others' lives. Then of course we would visit the park when we were dating. It was where we spilled our hearts and souls to one another about our hopes and dreams for our future dating adventures.

The last time we were there has been years. It makes me a little sad. Did life really get that busy that we couldn't take time to walk around this park that had been the location of so many heart felt talks?! Well, maybe it had but being back there reminded us of how truly blessed we were.

We've come a long way since we first walked around that park!!

After walking around the park my brother called and ask if we would sub for an hour in front of the abo.rtion clinic for the 40 days for life. So we took the 11-12am time and simply walked in front of the clinic and prayed.

My heart broke being there though, knowing that we so badly desired to conceive and to think that people went in to that building to remove the life they had created. I just prayed that God would help the women thinking of seeking the services of Plan.ned parenthood, to know that life is truly precious.

After we got home I got an amazing PBR. What's a PBR you ask?! Well it's a term I came up with...Platonic Back Rub. My husband has a bit of trouble not getting distracted while giving me a back rub, which don't get me wrong, I LOVE that he loves me and that this is a problem! ;) It's just that there are times I just want a back rub.

I get a PBR everyday of my birthday week! Lucky me!! :)

So, Sunday ended up being so amazing and I felt beyond blessed.

Priorities were back in line and I thankfully am doing way better. The power of prayer is truly amazing.

Another really amazing miracle, my beautiful little niece was born yesterday! We got to go up to the hospital (it was my DH's sister) and hold this beautiful little 6 pound 2 oz miracle for quite awhile and it was awesome. Nothing like holding a beautiful new born to help with those priorities, also!

That's about it as of now. I know that Sunday started off rough because the thought of another year passing, without children, was so completely overwhelming because I, like so many others, didn't think that this would be. I am just trying to not let myself get overwhelmed and not let the feeling of fear take over.


"For me prayer is a surge of the heart, it is a simple look towards Heaven, it is a cry of recognition and of love, embracing both trial and joy." (St. Therese of Lisieux)

Nothing new

It seems that CD1 has crept up on too many of us, IF girls. I so badly wanted THIS to be the month for so many of us.

God had different plans, though.

It's crazy, this cycle I have heard (via my best frenenemy forever, fb) of a few new pregnancy announcements and there also seems to be an abundance of "belly shot" pictures and nursery pictures too.

How does that even happen?! Things are pretty quiet and then CD1 is here and then there's baby stuff galore EVERYWHERE.

Maybe I'm just going to crazy.

The thing is, I totally LOVE to hear when another IF girl announces a pregnancy/adoption OR shows their beautiful belly shots OR fun nursery updates.

This I can handle.

The rest of the non-IF "civilians", well...not so much.

I'm just trying to remind myself to trust. Simply, trust. Nothing more, nothing less.

Somehow, someway, God has given me courage to keep going thus far and for that I am grateful, especially because there's been too many times than not where I have wanted to give up. The thing is though, through my prayer I have found this courage and perseverance and desire to continue to move forward.

I am hopeful.

I believe that my miracle will come...

Well, at least this is how I am feeling today. Yesterday, not so much. I thought I was ready to throw in the towel all while screaming and just being down right angry.

But today, well, the hope is back and crazy woman has left the building.

I blame hormones and how freakin' badly CD1 hurts.

Nonetheless, I am here. I am fighting. And I am hoping.

I'm still holding out that (sooner than later, please God, please) there's going to be an ABUNDANCE of pregnancy announcements to blow this beautiful IF blogger world up.

Not on FB...but in our own little world here. That would be so awesome.

Anyways, you girls have been awesome and giving me that prayers that I needed. I seriously felt them and I am so grateful for that.

Thanks for the feedback on my crafts, I do love to craft! I have thought about etsy before but was overwhelmed by the number of people on there and I felt sort of like a little fish lost in a big ol' sea of big fish! I'll possibly look into that though. I'm also thinking about giving out a few, because I think word of mouth is the best thing! Let me know if you would be interested!

P.S GO AGGIES.

In a funk

Today wasn't that great.

I went to bed in tears and when I woke up this morning I had that short moment of not realizing anything was bothering me and then,

BAM.

I remembered last night and the dreaded spotting.

And then the tears started coming back again and I remembered that I wasn't ok, I was feeling rather crummy. Going to bed sad and waking up sad don't really make for an awesome day, usually.

I so badly wanted to not let this effect me. I wanted to be strong and not be upset or down by the fact that AF was arriving. I wanted to only look on the bright side, that I was having yet another period ON MY OWN and not because I took prometrium. I wanted to remember that it was up to God and that I trusted and I was ok.

That's what I wanted, but reality set in, and as hard as I try to keep my head up, sometimes I fall. And I hurt. And I worry and the bright light I like to call hope, seems more like a dim light far away.

But I only allow this for a moment because I KNOW that without hope, without my faith I would be so completely lost and an even bigger mess than I am now! So yeah, today wasn't that great but I still have my faith and I still have my hope and that's pretty amazing if you ask me.

My DH was amazing, which is not shocking, and was such an amazing support and so full of hope and excitement at me, "starting another period on your own...this is so good!" (his words, not mine!). He really is amazing.

There's times that my heart aches for him because I so badly want to bless him with a child, I don't want my body to be broken because I know that he will be such an incredible dad.

Of course, shortly after those moments I offer up a prayer and know that God is in control and He will provide. In His timing. And it will be amazing. I don't think I could ever say this enough. And then things seem ok again after I remember this.

On a side note, my doctor's office called today and they said that my progesterone levels were too low and that I would need to start taking progesterone this new cycle. Also, they will call tomorrow about other protocol for this cycle, ie: clomid, HCG shots, etc...

Hearing all this overwhelmed me because I was so full of hope for our first TCC cycle post surgery. So full of hope and then shot down and left in a funk.

So, what do I do when I am in a funk?

I craft. It relieves so much stress for me and somehow my mind, which NEVER shuts up, is able to sort of veg out and relax. Here's some pictures of the things I created while de-stressing"





The flowers, I sewed onto a safety pin, that way you can pin them to your shirt like I did in the first two pictures, or you can pin them to a purse or bag or even use a bobby pin and add them as a hair accessory. Just something fun and pretty easy too...

I had an extra onesie so I also made this for my godson:


I do love to craft and am sure glad it doesn't cost an arm in a leg to do, other wise I would have to find a new way to get out of my funks! ;)

Also, before I go, I wanted to say yet again, THANK YOU to everyone that has offered prayers, support and kind words. I seriously don't know how I could do this without y'all. My husband is so grateful that I found such an amazing group of women because he knows that even though he's there for me always, having another woman to talk to about what I am going through helps so much. So, THANK YOU. And I know that I am not the only one in this "funk", so just know that I am thinking about y'all and praying for y'all and trusting and knowing in my heart of hearts that our miracles will come [in His perfect and holy timing].

"Keep going. Don't stop. I kept going on the road to Calvary and in spite of such agony, I got there. Look at Me and you will find new courage. And honor Me by calling Me to help you." (He and I)

12 DPO

Tonight, like most nights when my husband works, I had trouble sleeping, so I stayed up and watched a movie. While watching, thoughts would race about the "possibility of pregnancy" and so forth. It's really hard to concentrate during this dreaded 2WW, but most of you guys already know this. Today, I had pretty much felt the same, ie: sore boobs, emotional, and cramping. Those dreaded could be this or could be that symptoms...

Well, after the movie I thought, "heck it's after midnight, so technically 13 dpo so why not test again!?". Before going, I decide that I would offer up a quick prayer because if I saw another negative I had to remember to trust. Full of hope I go and grab one of my books that I find so many great quotes from (He and I) and asked the Lord to give me some inspiration. I prayed he would lead me to the exact page and phrase that he wanted. Then I opened and read this:

"Repeat this often; 'Father, may your will be done. May Your will be done..."

My heart started racing and I knew that's what He wanted me to see.

I then skip off to POAS, ok, not really skip but I'm not going to lie, I was rather excited.

I POAS and set it aside, wanting to wait the full 2 minutes before peeking.

And as I'm finishing up and waiting, I notice something...

Spotting.

Yeah, my heart dropped.

I cried.

Then saw the big fat negative on my fancy shmancy dollar tree test and really started to cry.

So, AF may be making an entrance sooner than I thought. I know, "it's not over til it's over" ie, AF showing up, but I guess it's just hard to see the spotting right now because I wasn't expecting that at all.

"...Father, may Your will be done. May Your will be done..."

Blessing and how my brain works sometimes.

My DH found out yesterday, during his in service, that state legislative just passed a bill that will start in January 2011...it allows active duty police officers to pursue their degrees and the state will pay for them to get it! Of course their are some stipulations but how exciting! He's always wanted to get his degree, but the door for that hasn't been opened to us until now. Another amazing thing about it is that since he is also a veteran, he will rate his GI bill...bringing in extra money each month he is in school!

Of course, the tracks in my brain (does that even make sense?!) started going and I thought that if he started next Fall, by then surely [fingerscrossedprayersofferedpleasedearGodifitbeyourwil] we will have a baby or at least pregnant and then he'll be bringing in that extra money around that time. What a blessing this could be.

I've found that this is how my brain works on a lot of stuff. I find out something, let's say a friend's wedding, and I think, "well, if that it's a year, and we get pregnant in the next few months...well, I could be about to either a)pop or 2)have a little one nestled in my arms."

Also, let's say, someone talks about taking a trip, whether it be a road trip or a plane trip I instantly think, "well, if we get pregnant now, then I'll be about to pop and there's no way I could travel then!"

Or, last December when we actually found some pretty looking mature follicles (only an IF would say this, I'd imagine!) and we took the honker of a HCG shot, I instantly thought, "if we do get pregnant, then the baby would around the time GP passed, it would be as if his soul left and another soul is entering the world..."

And lastly, I think about if we do indeed get pregnant in the next couple a months, it would be around the time GP passed, and thus sparking the same thought as the one mentioned above.

Call me crazy.

Blame it on my wild imagination.

I know I play the "what if" game a lot, it's just hard not to.

Part of it's exciting to think about because I know that when it happens, it's going to be truly beautiful and the timing will be something beyond my wildest dreams.

Another part of it's exhausting. I don't want to always think, "what if" but some how it just happens...without me even trying to think about it.

I guess all in all I blame it on (not really blame, but you get the idea) the fact that I still believe in my heart of hearts that this desire to conceive and raise children is from God and therefore, these thoughts are going to happen because that desire is there.

I have prayed that God take the desire if it's not in His will, but like I've mentioned numerous times before, He always seems to lead us in a direction where the path ultimately could lead to conception.

So, I guess I'll take my crazy thoughts of "what if's" and go with it.

I'm going to keep my head held high.

I'm going to keep on trusting.

Oh, what an adventure this so called life has been...

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. (Albert Einstein)

Tuesday's thoughts:

I have a bunch of random thoughts running around my head and so I thought I would just list them out, for my own sake really...

-I have read so many posts by others recently that have been almost exactly what I have been feeling. It's so crazy. Really though, it's just a reminder from God that we aren't alone...

-No job yet. And really, I don't mind (well, the really not denting our debt I mind...just not the working part). It's hard to explain to people but all the other jobs that I have ever worked/will work just don't do it for me. It's so hard to explain. I am not wanting to be a pretty princess that stays home while her husband works his butt off to provide, it's just that I desire so badly to be a mom that all the other jobs are simply that...just jobs. For example, my husband is a police officer and he LOVES it. He's been on for over 2 years and still gets excited about going in. He loves what he does, the people he works with and knows that God put him in that job. Now, for me, any job that I have had in the past (don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed some of them at times) there was always something missing and it always felt like something to do "in the mean time". Anyways, I have tried to find one, anyone at this point and it's pretty stinkin' hard. Go economy.

-Yesterday it got up to 107! And no, that wasn't the heat index, that was the actual temperature! Grr...so looking foward to Fall already!!!

-We are meeting with our Realtor next week to look at some houses. Thankfully, there have been quite a few of them that have gone down in the few weeks we have taken off from looking! Fingers crossed we find something we like.

-I have been going to adoration quite a bit lately. I guess there's been so much on my mind that I am trying to give it to God and not let worry consume my heart. I've been rather anxious off and on it seems and I don't want to live like that. I want to just trust and know that His plans and timing are perfect. Always. However, it seems that I will go from excited and hopeful one day to almost a panic and fear (of the unknown) the next. I recently started doing some novenas again (St. Therese and St. Gerard) and asking for peace and it really seems to be working. Prayer is rather powerful and I know that I will probably have to re-offer up my pains, sorrows and fears on more than one occasion. It's definitely not a, "well, I offered it up and am good to go now..." sort of thing.

-My "high" of the week is that my DH has inservice and so his hours are 8-5pm and so we get to have dinner together every night and sleep together! I seriously feel so beyond blessed to have this. Since he usually works 4 nights out of the week, I don't really sleep that well but now, we have been able to pray our rosary together each night before bed and then we get to sleep together! Pure joy.

"The desire of every human heart is love" (Anonymous)

PREGNANT!!!!!

No, not me...well, not that I know of anyways!

Actually, we found out yesterday that my big brother and SIL are expecting. Yeah, the ones that got married July 3rd.

Last month.

They weren't trying.

It just happened.

He called and told me and was so excited. I gave my best "I'm SO excited!!" self on the phone and told him I was so happy, etc...

Then I got off the phone and I broke down.

I am NOT sad that they are pregnant. That is a beautiful blessing and I am overjoyed for them.

I was sad for me. For my husband. We have been trying so hard for over 2.5 years and they weren't trying and got pregnant within the first few weeks of their marriage.

After I talked with my DH, he agreed that it was a joyful occasion, but that it was still a little hard to hear. We both agreed that we would pray for them and that everything would go smoothly with the pregnancy. Then my DH reminded me that our time would come. That we just had to keep on trusting.

We left shortly after that for dinner with his side of the family and as we drove there I asked God to please give my heart peace. I prayed that He would allow me to fully embrace and be happy for my brother and not have any pains or sorrows to muddy those joyful feelings.

Well, later in the night my BIL (he's in the seminary and he's great!) joked that it made sense that the oldest sibling would have the first child.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

My "ah-ha" moment that I had asked for.

The peace.

My brother had watched as I met my DH, fell in love, got engaged and then married. He then watched as our youngest brother met his now wife, fell in love, got engaged and then married. All before meeting his love.

We had many a talks during these times about how he desired so badly to meet his future wife. To fall in love, as both me and our younger brother had.

He had waited and trusted in God's will for his life. And a couple years ago, he met his now wife. Fell in love. And got married.

It's truly amazing when one's vocation is fulfilled.

So you know what...last night just a few short hours after my initial "why us, why is it so hard for us, poor us, etc..." my heart was OVER filled with JOY for my big brother. He deserves this so much. He waited and trusted in God's will for his life and now he's blessed with a little soul that will call him Dad.

I love the sound of that. My big brother being a Dad. He's going to rock it!

And you know what, I know that our time will come and it will be amazing.

So for now, I'm just sitting here and trusting God's will and hoping for some rain in this STINKIN' hot Texas weather...


"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies." (Mother Teresa)

Ignorance is bliss

I don't even know where to start typing right now...my mind is sort of all over the place. I guess I'll start with the day of the surgery...

We had to be at the hospital at 5am and I was cool as a cucumber. We checked in and the nurse was so sweet and answered all our questions, ok, really she answered all my husband's questions because I was, like I mentioned, cool as a cucumber. It still didn't feel real that I was about to have this infamous surgery that we had thought about, dreamt about, prayed about and thought about for so long now. It started to feel a little more real when I was asked to slip in the gown and socks and lay in the bed though.

Then it felt even more real when they gave me my IV...I was surprised when they didn't want to do it in my right arm where I always got blood drown from (I suggested this because this was where my best veins were located!)...but rather they needed to put it in my hand. Nerves definitely started sinking in at this point.

Then the anesthesiologist came by and discussed what he would be doing. The one thing I will say about the nursing staff and all those that worked with me on Tuesday is that they were so sweet and compassionate. They seriously made me feel like the most important person and like I was their only patients. I loved that.

My doctor came by and we talked about what she was doing and then she grabbed my hand and my husband's hand and led us in prayer.

At this point I was just about in tears. And not because I was scared of what would happen or what they may or may not find...but I had a sense of peace rush over me and I knew that that was exactly where God wanted me to be. I kissed my husband and was given some "margarita" through my IV and off we went...

Ignorance is bliss.

I woke up in so much pain. And I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I had no idea I would be aching so badly nor did I realize how groggy and out of it I would feel. In all my go.ogling days leading up to surgery, not once did I search for what to expect AFTER surgery. Oh boy, is ignorance is bliss. If I had known, my anxiety level would have been a bit higher.

The surgery took about 2 hours, I was in recovery for about an hour and then my husband came back and it took another (almost) 2 hours before I was "well enough" to make it to the car to go to the hotel. I slept 18+ hours after we got back to the hotel. My husband was so amazing, helping me get up and getting me food to eat so that I could take my medicine. I seriously fall more and more in love with him each day...

I'm switching between pain meds and extra strength tyl.anol and am healing. Each day gets a bit better. I will say this though, when I try and do too much at one time my body goes from feeling pretty damn good to feeling like it was hit by a ton of bricks. My DH told me not to be too stubborn and just relax! My GM told me the same thing today after I was trying to organize some things here at her house. Oh yeah, and when a nurse called and checked up on me she said the same thing...I guess I need to just take it easy!

I don't think that I thought too long or too hard about the fact that I was having actual surgery because I thought I would be back to normal by now. Call me crazy, but I usually bounce back from sickness and other things pretty quickly, so I just assumed this would be no different. My doctor told me that for everyone, it's different and although some may be fine in a few days, others take up to two weeks or so. I hope that I fall somewhere in the middle! Thankfully my DH, Gm and family have been incredible with showering us with prayers and support during all this.

Ok, after typing all this out I realized that I haven't mentioned specifics about the actual surgery...so here goes: The wedge resection and drilling went great. She said that my ovaries looked great and my uterus looked great also. She found mild endometriosis and removed it and afterwards my tubes looked wonderful (she did the dye test and it flowed WONDERFULLY she said). She said that she was impressed that everything looked so beautifully (her words, not mine...never thought I would hear those words!) and that she was glad she found and removed the endometriosis. I have stitches in my belly button and over my left ovary and down by my uterus which I'll go back in two weeks to get removed.

Oh yeah, my old Dr. that referred us to this new doctor actually showed up to the hospital to assist during the surgery and to talk with my husband. He said he has worked with us for so long he was eager to help. It was so sweet to know that he didn't have to be there but stopped by to show his support.

Sorry this post is all over the place...I blame it on exhaustion, pain meds and excitement that everything is over...

Recent happenings: Surgery Scheduled

I'm at my apartment's computer lab so it's WAY easier to blog! YAY! I wanted to start by posting a picture that I took, on my phone, earlier this week:

I saw it and HAD to take a picture...too neat not to! [It's a heart in case you couldn't tell! ;)

Ok, now on to what's been going on...
I got the call this morning. Yes, the call about this much talked about surgery. It is scheduled for Tuesday morning, July 27th. Oh my. I guess it's really happening. We will head down to San Antonio on Monday and stay til Wednesday. I know that I shouldn't be worried or nervous or anxious...but I would be lying if I said that I wasn't. I haven't really slept well at all these last few nights because I can't stop thinking about packing, moving, storage units, house hunting, cleaning, surgery...etc. I just keep telling myself that next Friday it will all be something of the past.

For now though, OHMYGOODNESS. I'm just trying to stay calm. Having so much going on has meant that I haven't thought too much about the surgery, which to me is a good thing and a bad thing. Good because I can't over analyze or worry [too much] but bad because I (pity party alert) haven't been able to really think about it! I wish that I could stop...breathe...and really cherish this time because we have looked forward to it for so long now. But, HIS timing in all of this is perfect and although it's still hard for me to understand, I am continuing to trust.

Some people may think I have nothing to worry about with this surgery, or that it'll be easy or whatnot. But for me, it's something that we have prayed about and thought about for so long. With this surgery comes so many possibilities and hopes. The anxiousness that God has led us here for a reason. The real possiblity that this MAY help me to actually ovulate which may help us to get pregnant. Something that hasn't really been able to happen the whole three years that we have been married.

I'm just trying to hang on to hope right now. That's the beauty in the beginning of this, the beauty in stepping into the unknown and trusting God...there's so many high hopes and that gives us so much excitement and so much joy. Of course, there's the flip side...the scary side that creeps in and all I hear is "what if it doesn't work, what if NOTHING happens as result, what if, what if, what if..." It's time like that that I try and remember that God is in control here and He will provide and take care of us and then I go back to thinking about the wonderful possibilities that may take place.

I just continue to pray for comfort, confidence and calmness with all that is about to occur with the move, house hunting and the surgery and anything else God might decide to throw our way.

Restlessness and impatience change nothing except our peace and joy. Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on Him who has all things safely in His hands. (Elisabeth Elliot)

Short cycle

This cycle, I was told to take prometrium to jump start my period and after my period ends, to call and schedule my surgery. Well, I started on Wed and yesterday was the last day! This is the shortest cycle I've had but surprisingly, I was s bit more crampy. I don't know what to think besides the fact that tomorrow I'm going to call and set up this appointment....

These next two weeks are certainly going to be crazy and filled with so much. Between the house hunting, the packing, finding a storage unit and moving in with my Gm until we find a house (our rent would go up $300 if we did month to month...no way, no how!) and surgery...well, I'm not quite sure how it's possible to do it all, but somehow God thinks we can and so we trust.


"Faith isn't the ability to believe long and far into the misty future. It's  simply taking God at His Word and taking the next step. (Joni Erikson Tada)

Blood work done...

I did it. I completed the bloodwork that was necessary to do before I can schedule the surgery! Go me! (In my head here I am hearing a roaring of applause!) ;)

I was suppose to do it last Friday before leaving to CS for the wedding (which was BEAUTIFUL and I will explain more about that later) but somehow "ran out of time" and didn't do it. Then I promised myself that Monday (yesterday), I would definitely do it. But of course I failed to realize that it was a holiday so the lab was closed.

Not going to lie...I didn't mind. I know that I should have, because this lab work was the last thing keeping me from setting the date of the infamous surgery. However, I realized after the weekend and putting it off, that I was terrified.

Scared because THIS LAB WORK WAS THE LAST THING KEEPING ME FROM SETTING THE DATE OF THE INFAMOUS SURGERY. Makes it more real I suppose. I know noone in real life (ha,ha...sounds like I have "imaginary" friends) that has had this surgery or has struggled with IF and well for some reason scheduling this dang surgery has been more difficult than I ever thought possible.

But, last night I set an appointment online to go in this morning bright and early to do the blood work.

So...here I am:

Arm a little sore.

Heart rather anxious.

Waiting for the phone call from my doctor to say "Let's do this."

And I can do this. I know that God has led me here (I say this a lot and I feel it but I think it makes me feel better to reaffirm it, so I type it out) and I know that we are in good hands with my doctor. Fear of the unknown and fear of what may or may not happen has consumed me more than I would like to admit, but nonetheless, I am here and I am trusting.

I seriously NEVER thought I would be this anxious about simply SCHEDULING the surgery but I guess I never let myself think about it that much.

Well, that's all I have to say for now. I am in the middle of preparing dinner but realized that I needed to get this off my chest and so I did....

And I feel good.


There are always uncertainties ahead, but there is always one certainty--God's will is good. (Vernon Paterson)