New house, new doctor, new dog... ***update:Pictures added at the bottom

I cannot believe it has been so long since I've blogged! I've just been so busy, and we don't have our computer fixed yet, that I've not been able to stop and write.

This is not good for me. I miss being able to vent and I miss the support that is unique to the blogging world and with with other bloggers.

However, with packing, unpacking, weddings galore, and getting organized along with all the other boring stuff, I could not! However, today, after seeing just how long it had been I thought to myself, "if it makes you feel better...then do it!" :) So, here I am typing with one finger on my iPhone because I am having blogger withdrawals! ;)

Ok, so onto the updates:

The house. Wow. We are homeowners and it feels great! I have all the boxes unpacked but still need to organize the guest room and the office/craftroom! I will certainly post pictures once eveything is organized!

We actually had our annual pumpkin carving party (with my brothers/their wives) here last night! It was great! We grilled out and sat outside on our awesome covered patio! Of course, we carved pumpkins and here's the finished product....scratch that, I was going to upload pictures but it's not letting me (or maybe I just don't know!) on my phone. Once I'm at a computer I'll do a picture post! Anyways, all three families went with the Rangers theme, without even discussing it before! I mean, the Rangers are making history here, we have never made it past the first round of playoffs, let alone make it to the World Series!!! We were all proud of our Ranger themed pumpkins! :)

Next on the list of "new," a doctor. My old doctor who performed the surgery is just not working out anymore. One on one she is great! Following up...not so much. For example, after surgery she said we would go one round "all natural" without meds and then jump into clomid on cd3, etc, because the months right after surgery are the prime "baby making" times and that we shouldn't waste time. Well, once my second cycle post surgery started, I called and asked them to call back.

Cd5 I get a call back saying it was too late this cycle but we would do clomid next cycle. Grr.

Cd1 of this cycle (the 15th) I called bright and early to let them know. I hadn't heard back and I knew their office would be closing so I called again around 2:30 and all I got was, "she's already left for the day but said she'll call back Monday!"

Great, call me back on Cd4...just to be informed it was too late! Needless to say I was very angry! And to top it off, I didn't hear back until cd6 anyways! So it was waaaay too late this cycle!

Big grr to that.

Anyways, so I called my SIL's doctor who was working with her, since she spoke very highly of him, and have an appointment to meet with him tomorrow. He's a fertility specialist and is extremely thorough with what he does. I've got mixed feelings about seeing ANOTHER doctor, this is the fourth since I've been married (three years this past June). So, if you happen to think of me tomorrow, offer up a prayer that this appointment goes well. It's a little heart breaking at times because I was so filled with hope immediately following surgery, and then to feel the same/no closer, well...it's hard.

Onto the last new...he's 2 months old, has four legs, big paws and a little bit of separation anxiety...our new puppy, Calvin! We always said we would get a fog once we bought a house, and well, that's what we did! He's a black lab we rescued from the shelter and he reminded my husband of his childhood dog growing up, Hobbs, so it was only natural that his name would be Calvin! This is all new to me since I never had a dog growing up (umm, hello GROSS that he liked to eat his old poop and occasionally hump his toy monkey!!) but I'm learning and my husband is a great teacher, so I'm sure I'll not be quite so freaked out by these crazy puppy things, sooner than later! He is sweet though and already understands the word, "no!" so that's good! Also, he'd very affectionate...he loves to walk right with you and kiss you like you are the greatest thing ever to walk planet earth!! ;)

Anyways, sorry it's been so long since my update! I promise that much time will not go between updates again! You'll just have to bare with me when it comes to typos and whatnot because of the whole typing on my phone!

And now that my hand is falling asleep, I think I'll shut up now! You are all in my prayers daily, even if my commenting has been pretty dead (but that'll change!)!!


***Update: Here's a few pictures of recent happenings:

Pumpkin fun...GO RANGERS! The one my husband and I did was the "Rangers" one! :) My older brother and his wife did the Rangers "T" and my younger brother and his wife did "the claw!" Go family time!!


Calvin!


Calvin and his toy monkey...he loves this thing! Thankfully he's only humped it twice and hadn't done it in a couple days. Thank goodness...I could not handle this if it was something that was a regular occurrence!!


And just for fun, I added this one...one of my newest crafts! My Gm had an old fence and I really wanted to make these, although it was harder than I thought!

"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith."  (Mary Manin Morrissey)

In a funk

Today wasn't that great.

I went to bed in tears and when I woke up this morning I had that short moment of not realizing anything was bothering me and then,

BAM.

I remembered last night and the dreaded spotting.

And then the tears started coming back again and I remembered that I wasn't ok, I was feeling rather crummy. Going to bed sad and waking up sad don't really make for an awesome day, usually.

I so badly wanted to not let this effect me. I wanted to be strong and not be upset or down by the fact that AF was arriving. I wanted to only look on the bright side, that I was having yet another period ON MY OWN and not because I took prometrium. I wanted to remember that it was up to God and that I trusted and I was ok.

That's what I wanted, but reality set in, and as hard as I try to keep my head up, sometimes I fall. And I hurt. And I worry and the bright light I like to call hope, seems more like a dim light far away.

But I only allow this for a moment because I KNOW that without hope, without my faith I would be so completely lost and an even bigger mess than I am now! So yeah, today wasn't that great but I still have my faith and I still have my hope and that's pretty amazing if you ask me.

My DH was amazing, which is not shocking, and was such an amazing support and so full of hope and excitement at me, "starting another period on your own...this is so good!" (his words, not mine!). He really is amazing.

There's times that my heart aches for him because I so badly want to bless him with a child, I don't want my body to be broken because I know that he will be such an incredible dad.

Of course, shortly after those moments I offer up a prayer and know that God is in control and He will provide. In His timing. And it will be amazing. I don't think I could ever say this enough. And then things seem ok again after I remember this.

On a side note, my doctor's office called today and they said that my progesterone levels were too low and that I would need to start taking progesterone this new cycle. Also, they will call tomorrow about other protocol for this cycle, ie: clomid, HCG shots, etc...

Hearing all this overwhelmed me because I was so full of hope for our first TCC cycle post surgery. So full of hope and then shot down and left in a funk.

So, what do I do when I am in a funk?

I craft. It relieves so much stress for me and somehow my mind, which NEVER shuts up, is able to sort of veg out and relax. Here's some pictures of the things I created while de-stressing"





The flowers, I sewed onto a safety pin, that way you can pin them to your shirt like I did in the first two pictures, or you can pin them to a purse or bag or even use a bobby pin and add them as a hair accessory. Just something fun and pretty easy too...

I had an extra onesie so I also made this for my godson:


I do love to craft and am sure glad it doesn't cost an arm in a leg to do, other wise I would have to find a new way to get out of my funks! ;)

Also, before I go, I wanted to say yet again, THANK YOU to everyone that has offered prayers, support and kind words. I seriously don't know how I could do this without y'all. My husband is so grateful that I found such an amazing group of women because he knows that even though he's there for me always, having another woman to talk to about what I am going through helps so much. So, THANK YOU. And I know that I am not the only one in this "funk", so just know that I am thinking about y'all and praying for y'all and trusting and knowing in my heart of hearts that our miracles will come [in His perfect and holy timing].

"Keep going. Don't stop. I kept going on the road to Calvary and in spite of such agony, I got there. Look at Me and you will find new courage. And honor Me by calling Me to help you." (He and I)

12 DPO

Tonight, like most nights when my husband works, I had trouble sleeping, so I stayed up and watched a movie. While watching, thoughts would race about the "possibility of pregnancy" and so forth. It's really hard to concentrate during this dreaded 2WW, but most of you guys already know this. Today, I had pretty much felt the same, ie: sore boobs, emotional, and cramping. Those dreaded could be this or could be that symptoms...

Well, after the movie I thought, "heck it's after midnight, so technically 13 dpo so why not test again!?". Before going, I decide that I would offer up a quick prayer because if I saw another negative I had to remember to trust. Full of hope I go and grab one of my books that I find so many great quotes from (He and I) and asked the Lord to give me some inspiration. I prayed he would lead me to the exact page and phrase that he wanted. Then I opened and read this:

"Repeat this often; 'Father, may your will be done. May Your will be done..."

My heart started racing and I knew that's what He wanted me to see.

I then skip off to POAS, ok, not really skip but I'm not going to lie, I was rather excited.

I POAS and set it aside, wanting to wait the full 2 minutes before peeking.

And as I'm finishing up and waiting, I notice something...

Spotting.

Yeah, my heart dropped.

I cried.

Then saw the big fat negative on my fancy shmancy dollar tree test and really started to cry.

So, AF may be making an entrance sooner than I thought. I know, "it's not over til it's over" ie, AF showing up, but I guess it's just hard to see the spotting right now because I wasn't expecting that at all.

"...Father, may Your will be done. May Your will be done..."

Tears

I quickly skimmed my blog list moments ago, and I saw "spiritual bouquet" listed on several blog titles. I opened them and read them.

I was literally brought to tears.

So beautiful and so sweet!

THANK YOU TO ALL THAT WERE A PART OF THIS BEAUTIFUL GIFT.

Tuesday's thoughts:

I have a bunch of random thoughts running around my head and so I thought I would just list them out, for my own sake really...

-I have read so many posts by others recently that have been almost exactly what I have been feeling. It's so crazy. Really though, it's just a reminder from God that we aren't alone...

-No job yet. And really, I don't mind (well, the really not denting our debt I mind...just not the working part). It's hard to explain to people but all the other jobs that I have ever worked/will work just don't do it for me. It's so hard to explain. I am not wanting to be a pretty princess that stays home while her husband works his butt off to provide, it's just that I desire so badly to be a mom that all the other jobs are simply that...just jobs. For example, my husband is a police officer and he LOVES it. He's been on for over 2 years and still gets excited about going in. He loves what he does, the people he works with and knows that God put him in that job. Now, for me, any job that I have had in the past (don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed some of them at times) there was always something missing and it always felt like something to do "in the mean time". Anyways, I have tried to find one, anyone at this point and it's pretty stinkin' hard. Go economy.

-Yesterday it got up to 107! And no, that wasn't the heat index, that was the actual temperature! Grr...so looking foward to Fall already!!!

-We are meeting with our Realtor next week to look at some houses. Thankfully, there have been quite a few of them that have gone down in the few weeks we have taken off from looking! Fingers crossed we find something we like.

-I have been going to adoration quite a bit lately. I guess there's been so much on my mind that I am trying to give it to God and not let worry consume my heart. I've been rather anxious off and on it seems and I don't want to live like that. I want to just trust and know that His plans and timing are perfect. Always. However, it seems that I will go from excited and hopeful one day to almost a panic and fear (of the unknown) the next. I recently started doing some novenas again (St. Therese and St. Gerard) and asking for peace and it really seems to be working. Prayer is rather powerful and I know that I will probably have to re-offer up my pains, sorrows and fears on more than one occasion. It's definitely not a, "well, I offered it up and am good to go now..." sort of thing.

-My "high" of the week is that my DH has inservice and so his hours are 8-5pm and so we get to have dinner together every night and sleep together! I seriously feel so beyond blessed to have this. Since he usually works 4 nights out of the week, I don't really sleep that well but now, we have been able to pray our rosary together each night before bed and then we get to sleep together! Pure joy.

"The desire of every human heart is love" (Anonymous)

PREGNANT!!!!!

No, not me...well, not that I know of anyways!

Actually, we found out yesterday that my big brother and SIL are expecting. Yeah, the ones that got married July 3rd.

Last month.

They weren't trying.

It just happened.

He called and told me and was so excited. I gave my best "I'm SO excited!!" self on the phone and told him I was so happy, etc...

Then I got off the phone and I broke down.

I am NOT sad that they are pregnant. That is a beautiful blessing and I am overjoyed for them.

I was sad for me. For my husband. We have been trying so hard for over 2.5 years and they weren't trying and got pregnant within the first few weeks of their marriage.

After I talked with my DH, he agreed that it was a joyful occasion, but that it was still a little hard to hear. We both agreed that we would pray for them and that everything would go smoothly with the pregnancy. Then my DH reminded me that our time would come. That we just had to keep on trusting.

We left shortly after that for dinner with his side of the family and as we drove there I asked God to please give my heart peace. I prayed that He would allow me to fully embrace and be happy for my brother and not have any pains or sorrows to muddy those joyful feelings.

Well, later in the night my BIL (he's in the seminary and he's great!) joked that it made sense that the oldest sibling would have the first child.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

My "ah-ha" moment that I had asked for.

The peace.

My brother had watched as I met my DH, fell in love, got engaged and then married. He then watched as our youngest brother met his now wife, fell in love, got engaged and then married. All before meeting his love.

We had many a talks during these times about how he desired so badly to meet his future wife. To fall in love, as both me and our younger brother had.

He had waited and trusted in God's will for his life. And a couple years ago, he met his now wife. Fell in love. And got married.

It's truly amazing when one's vocation is fulfilled.

So you know what...last night just a few short hours after my initial "why us, why is it so hard for us, poor us, etc..." my heart was OVER filled with JOY for my big brother. He deserves this so much. He waited and trusted in God's will for his life and now he's blessed with a little soul that will call him Dad.

I love the sound of that. My big brother being a Dad. He's going to rock it!

And you know what, I know that our time will come and it will be amazing.

So for now, I'm just sitting here and trusting God's will and hoping for some rain in this STINKIN' hot Texas weather...


"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies." (Mother Teresa)

Monday Monday Monday

I definitely didn't get very creative with the blog title...maybe because it's Monday or maybe I'm just not that creative! Who cares?!

Well, I wasn't able to read blogs this weekend because it was a fun filled weekend with celebrations out the wazoo (BF bday fun on Friday night and then another bday celebration Saturday and then of course Father's day on Sunday)!!! I just finished getting caught up and all I have to say is WOW. I was so busy celebrating this weekend and to be quite honest, I am so exhausted today but get online and read so many ON FIRE posts about the Church and what we believe, etc...and right now I feel so proud to be Catholic and so proud to be apart of such an amazing support group of IF, (and the non-IF that offer great prayers and support also!) Catholic/Christian women who are not afraid to speak out against some of societies wrong-doings. I never EVER would have thought that by googling "infertility, Catholic, blogs, support, etc.." that I would not only come across a place where these women feel my pains and struggles, but also a place that is sort of making me want to hold myself more accountable and not just be Catholic but live the faith each and everyday.

I'm so not saying that I am only Catholic by name and am really this crazy sinful woman but rather what I am attempting to say is that it's so easy to get caught up in the world. It's so easy to hear a friend talk about BCPs and IVF and simply say I don't agree but what I am finding here is that I want to learn to be able to speak intelligently, non confrontational and openly about why I feel the way I do. After reading a lot of these posts today, I sort of have this "on fire" feeling, you know the one you get after either hearing an amazing talk or when you get back from an amazing retreat (which sadly it's been far too long for both of these)?!

Bottom line: I love the support I get with my IF and I absolutely love the passionate-faith filled support I get here also.

It's so funny, when I woke up this morning (pre-reading other's blogs) I knew I wanted to post but I wasn't sure what to post. I guess one can say I was inspired by the other blogs! What a beautiful little community we got here! :)

And on a completely different note, because I like pictures, I thought I would post an AWESOME picture of my AWESOME phone.



Yeah, I was at Target (my second home) and somehow it managed to fall. Fear not, I didn't drop the card I was holding, nope, that walked away without a scratch or smudge, but the phone well...it's seen better days! I have it in the plastic baggy because little pieces of the screen keep falling off! Thankfully we have a friend that works for App.le and he can fix it for free! Such a relief, I hear it can be quite expensive to get fixed.



"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move." (Matthew 17:20)