When we found out we were expecting, my heart was so full of joy and fear all mixed together. After so many years of my body failing me I had such a hard time grasping the fact that we were truly pregnant. However, as the pregnancy progressed the fear started to slip away and the anxiety that had hung around for so many years started to disappear. That heavy bolder that rested on my chest for the years we struggled was gone and I was able to enjoy being pregnant and I was able to joyfully anticipate our little miracle.
Now that Faith is 9 months I will be honest and say I haven't felt the old stings of IF really. Sure, I have fears and anxieties, just that they are different than before.
But then tonight...it happened, like a swift kick to the gut...a lump formed in my throat and I felt that heaviness on my chest...all over a pregnancy announcement.
One stinking pregnancy annoucement and my insides started shaking and I felt as though I was right back to where we were before we found out we were expecting....
Except, I am no where near that.
Not even close.
My heart is full and my days busy with this sweet little one I get to call my daughter. She keeps me on my toes and has brought me to tears from frustration/not knowing what I'm doing and she has brought me to my knees in laughter.
I am her mom...a mom....I am a mother and so hearing of a pregnancy announcement this soon (she's almost 9 months) with those reactions has me startled.
I never anticipated that the those not so pretty sides of waiting would come sneaking back so soon but here I am...trying my very best to shake those not so great feelings.
The crazy thing? I know SO many people who are pregnant right now so this shouldn't sting...but it does.
A little background to why this announcement stung a bit more than normal: my husband works for a specialty unit within the police department and they are a small, close knit group of guys. Of the guys in the unit, all have children and as of today all but 2 are pregnant. Yup, that's what got me....everyone in my husband's unit seem to be getting pregnant and the joke is that there's something in the water causing this! The thing is is that everyone pregnant now is pregnant with #2 or #3 and their first are barely a year old...so these guys move fast it seems! My husband said all the guys joke that we are next and so is "so and so" because well, "there's something in the water."
Umm...that would be great if I could simply have some of that water but I am pretty certain that numerous times I "drank" whatever that person was drinking (ie:lots of water, this type of meds, yoga, this "position", etc...) in those 5 years trying to achieve pregnancy but it didn't quite work like that.
I'm rambling, I know...it's just one of those times where all you need to do is type and not really think about it.
So, that's what I am doing.
I really hope that this makes sense and I really hope that those that are still waiting can understand that I am not complaining that I am not pregnant...it's just so hard that these feelings are back already.
I am not ready to have to fight off these feelings.
I am not ready for the bolder to be back on my chest every time I hear of another pregnancy.
I am not ready for people to ask us when we will have our next and me freak out praying and hoping and begging that we are able to conceive again.
I am not ready but for some reason those feelings are starting to surface again.
Looks like I am going to have a LOT of praying to do.
A LOT of offering up to do.
And a LOT of remembering to live in the now to do.
"You don't always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens." [Mandy Hale]
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16 comments:
I really do think that IF causes post traumatic stress whether you are still waiting or not. Obviously it's very different from soldiers who have been in a war zone but IF is still a traumatic experience. It pulls you away from reality at times and makes you feel so isolated. I pray the bolder stays far away from you and that you will have peace.
I have thought about this before. I'm still waiting for #1 but I have realized that even when that happens I will likely start worrying about #2 within months. I think it's natural. I really think IF is something we will all always deal with in some way no matter how happy we are. It's such a huge cross to bear. I can't imagine it just disappears. Praying for you!
I have these feelings sometimes too especially when someone who has a child close to Reagan's age announces a pregnancy. What has been really hard for me is when someone asks me when I'm going to have another. Right now I can laugh it off but I'm sure I won't always be able too.
I totally get it! I do not think it really ever goes away. thinking of you!
Isn't it interesting how some pregnancy announcements can be okay, but other ones hit like a punch in the gut? Sometimes it's just something about the timing, and other times it's the circumstances when you find out and other times it's how the relationship with those people fits in your life. I agree with those who say it probably never goes away completely.
I just want to give you some encouragement. I had secondary infertility and right now am mourning a late miscarriage. I'm learning that for myself that feeling I get isn't "jealousy" or a sign I don't appreciate the healthy babies inside my home--it's grief. The grief hits at unexpected times. The grief that I'm feeling--it's holy. It sounds like you're missing your babies--the ones that didn't come easily before Faith or after Faith. I haven't found much help managing grief on infertility or miscarriage blogs, but I have learned a lot by attending by attending a parental bereavement group called "Compassionate Friends." Hang in there on the bad days!
I think pregnancy announcements will always sting a little for me, because conceiving will never be something I can just decide to do. And even as all my once-infertile friends go on to conceive #2 or #3, it's a reminder that my one pregnancy was such a fluke. But - and this is the most important part - it's just a little sting, as opposed to feeling completely kicked in the gut and sent into a downward cycle of despair, which is what it used to feel like pre-kids. It's not even comparable. And I'm incredibly grateful for every step of this journey.. I wouldn't trade anything since it has led us to adoption. But I think it's normal to mourn that loss of control.
I just want to say that the first time I got that lump back in my throat over a pregnancy announcement after Sam I was SO MAD at myself. I had the dream, my baby, motherhood, and like you said, there were MANY other announcements I didn't get it over, I thought I was healed/past this, etc. but MAN. It was still there. I think it was because we had had this couple over for dinner and been talkin about how "we are always open to life" and KNEW that they were contracepting, didn't think it was a great time, and then had started trying to get pregnant all within the time that were "open to life". And I realized that I was more jealous than I had been before. Jealous of the "we'd like a baby? well lets just have one!" I cried for happiness when I DIDN'T have one over my sister's third announcement because I had been so torn up when I heard her announce her second. It felt so good to just be HAPPY, like I should be. But, yeah. I am leaving a novel here but I have really been understanding that its not "Post-traumatic stress", for me at least, because, its just my life. It is difficult for us to get pregnant. I made myself offer to do something nice for that friend I felt a lump in the throat over because I knew I needed to squash that jealousy feelings ASAP. That's been my tactic lately as well I guess. Offering to babysit, bring food, etc. I'm finding its the only way for me to combat what I can now (for myself) identify as jealousy and makes me feel useful. My own personal penance? Praying for you!
Kat-I guess I've never thought of it that way but you are right, suffering through IF can be rather traumatic! I guess I just never thought about "life on the other side" with pregnancy announcements and what not. I'm just grateful it's only been once really ...
Little Moments:I agree, especially now, that it will most likely be something that lingers around even if a little one is in your arms. Praying for you!
Megan: YES! That is also so hard! I always just say, "well it took us so long for F so we are not sure when (or if) the next one will be...so we are always open!"
st.Rita: thank you!
CM: exactly! That's what threw me for a loop...I had heard of many more announcements prior to this one! :/ Anyways, praying for you!!!
Abigail: I read your comment and have tears in my eyes...tears for your traumatic loss and also just because of how you put it with the grief thing. Thank you for your encouragement and please know I will be praying for you.
Karey: you are right...the sting is there but it is most definitely not the same as before...not even remotely. It just threw me for a loop, not anticipating some of those feelings so soon! "Mourning the loss of control..." BEAUTIFULLY put!
Moon heads: oh my goodness...you are so right, the flip side with hearing an announcement and for once being able to celebrate with them-actually same way for me...SIL's 3rd announcement I was genuinely thrilled vs the 2nd were I broke down and felt miserable! That was an amazing feeling To get to be happy and talk about all the details without having to choke back tears!!g! Also, I definitely felt tons of guilt feeling those pains so soon...but I'm just going to keep on praying and hope that they stay at bay more often than not!!!
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