Friday, June 25, 2010

Cute movie

If you haven't already seen T.oy St.ory 3....go see it!

It's so cute.

And yes, you may get a little misty eyed during it! But don't worry there will be plenty of laughter too!

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." (E.E. Cummings)

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

"I wuv you foreva"

Today I spent it with my amazing MIL, SIL, BIL and 3 year old nephew and 10 year old niece (they have another little girl due in Sept!) at their new home about 2.5 hours East of here.

My MIL was going to pick up my niece and nephew to bring them back to her place for some "GM camp" and where my other nephew met up also. She didn't mind driving out there alone but I offered because I am the "cool aunt". And no...I'm not quoting myself here!

A little bit about being the cool/fun's great when I am IN the moment with these beautiful souls. I spoil these kiddos with laughter, hugs and kisses and some serious playtime when I am with them. My beautiful MIL (yes, I love her to pieces and am beyond blessed to have joined such an amazing family that i feel like I've been apart of from the beginning!) says this a lot...about me and my DH being the fun aunt and uncle and it's is.

However, it's the leaving and coming home alone that hits the pit of my stomach in ways that's impossible to describe to people. I have explained this to my DH and he understands but like I've mentioned before, he's very optimistic about most things/most of the time and so he loves being the fun aunt and uncle and knows that we will one day hold our own children AND be the fun ones...

I feel this too, I really do. But sometimes it's hard because as much as I love this and as much as I love these little ones, I desire so much to hold my own children that when I leave, there's a part of me that can't help but hurt. The reality of my IF comes flooding in, even though the day was spent with SO much laughter and so much fun.

The sadness is only temporary for now though, because I know that when I meet tomorrow for day two of "GM camp" that sadness will disappear and my heart will swell with love for these little ones. And my face will hurt because most of our time will be spent laughing at what the 3 year old and 5 year old boys are talking about!

So in the's worth it and I will embrace, whole heartily, the title of "cool/fun aunt" because I know that one day we will hold our own and still work to own that title! ;)

Lastly, about my blog post title...this was the conversation with my little 3 year old nephew (he'll be 4 in August):

Him: "Aunt Awesome (he didn't really say that but I don't use real names so I can say whatever I want!!), I wuv you!"

Me: "Really?! How much do you love me?"
(Right here I was expecting the typical "from here to here" with his little hands outstretched...)

Him: "I wuv you foreva, dat's how much!"

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A few simple things that made me smile today...

This stuff smells amazing! It's my favorite home fragrance at B&Bworks. The oils really leave the place smelling great and super fast!

I don't know if anyone else likes to vacuum as much as I do...but I really like to! It's because of these beautiful lines in the carpet! I'm a weirdo but I really do enjoy seeing those lines...

I got my screen fixed today by my friend and I am soooo thankful that he was able to do it free of charge! Then I went with my brother to get one of these nifty cases, since I have a tendency to drop my phone more than the average Joe. Another great thing, my bro gets a 50% off discount at A.T&T stores...wahoo! :)

These things are awesome! What are they you ask? They are a new sort of bobby pin! You twist you hair into a bun and then twist these little suckers in! I have long and thick hair and they actually work. Plus it's nice because they don't really leave a line in you hair. (I sound like a commercial with all these "things" that I love...oh well, might as well because I'm a sucker for them!)

And last but most certainly not least: spending the entire day with my hubby before he had to go into work.

Okay, I know this post is sort of boring, kinda like my other posts have been recently but it's sort of part of my "cherish the simple things and love the simple moments" in life sort of mindset I have been having. I think because I know that my surgery is going to be next month I am trying to calm down, be at peace and trust God. Who knows, tomorrow I may be a hot mess...but for now, I'm relaxed and looking forward to what God has in store for us.

"A smile is the beginning of peace." (Mother Teresa)

Monday, June 21, 2010

Monday Monday Monday

I definitely didn't get very creative with the blog title...maybe because it's Monday or maybe I'm just not that creative! Who cares?!

Well, I wasn't able to read blogs this weekend because it was a fun filled weekend with celebrations out the wazoo (BF bday fun on Friday night and then another bday celebration Saturday and then of course Father's day on Sunday)!!! I just finished getting caught up and all I have to say is WOW. I was so busy celebrating this weekend and to be quite honest, I am so exhausted today but get online and read so many ON FIRE posts about the Church and what we believe, etc...and right now I feel so proud to be Catholic and so proud to be apart of such an amazing support group of IF, (and the non-IF that offer great prayers and support also!) Catholic/Christian women who are not afraid to speak out against some of societies wrong-doings. I never EVER would have thought that by googling "infertility, Catholic, blogs, support, etc.." that I would not only come across a place where these women feel my pains and struggles, but also a place that is sort of making me want to hold myself more accountable and not just be Catholic but live the faith each and everyday.

I'm so not saying that I am only Catholic by name and am really this crazy sinful woman but rather what I am attempting to say is that it's so easy to get caught up in the world. It's so easy to hear a friend talk about BCPs and IVF and simply say I don't agree but what I am finding here is that I want to learn to be able to speak intelligently, non confrontational and openly about why I feel the way I do. After reading a lot of these posts today, I sort of have this "on fire" feeling, you know the one you get after either hearing an amazing talk or when you get back from an amazing retreat (which sadly it's been far too long for both of these)?!

Bottom line: I love the support I get with my IF and I absolutely love the passionate-faith filled support I get here also.

It's so funny, when I woke up this morning (pre-reading other's blogs) I knew I wanted to post but I wasn't sure what to post. I guess one can say I was inspired by the other blogs! What a beautiful little community we got here! :)

And on a completely different note, because I like pictures, I thought I would post an AWESOME picture of my AWESOME phone.

Yeah, I was at Target (my second home) and somehow it managed to fall. Fear not, I didn't drop the card I was holding, nope, that walked away without a scratch or smudge, but the phone's seen better days! I have it in the plastic baggy because little pieces of the screen keep falling off! Thankfully we have a friend that works for App.le and he can fix it for free! Such a relief, I hear it can be quite expensive to get fixed.

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move." (Matthew 17:20)

Friday, June 18, 2010

Quick Takes

I'm not exactly sure if there's some sort of rules to follow with this "quick takes" thing, all I've seen is that 1)people tend to do it on Fridays and 2)you simply write 7 "quick takes" if you are suppose to link it to something or do something more with this, well I don't quite know so let me know!

1) I just watch the Desperate Housewives of NY final reunion and it was CRAZY. Kelly is so hard to follow that I was literally laughing out loud at half the stuff she said because was too loopy not to!

2) I just ate an avocado and it was so delicious. I like to think that I am eating SUPER healthy when I eat them but unfortunately I know that they are rather high in fat content. Okay, I lied. I had two. But that was all I had for lunch so it's all good. Right?!

3) I'm stressing a bit because we are suppose to be out of our apartment at the end of next month and we need to either find a courtesy officer gig (free rent for us since my husband is a cop) which isn't easy or find a house because we are done throwing money into apartments. The house thing would be great, we have been looking but it's rather a lot to take in. Obviously if we are able to find a courtesy officer gig we would take that because we need to pay off some debt and to be able to throw all our money, that would be normally used for rent, to pay that off and save up before getting a house...well, that would rock. We shall see!!!

4) My older brother is getting married in 2 weeks and I'm soooooo excited!!!

5) I need to find a healthy alternative to my diet coke drinking. I know it's not good for me but it's hard not to drink them because 1)they are tasty 2) they give me that caffeine jump that I need at times and 3) When I think I wanna snack extra, usually a diet coke with do the trick!

6) I'm going to do my best and post my faith story this week. I've been meaning to do it but I'm worried that once I start, I'll keep going and going! Who knows, maybe I wont and will be able to finish it in one sitting. Maybe not. Once again, we shall see!

7) I've found so much inspiration in reading the blogs that I read. I love that God has opened this door for me. I really feel like I am a better person because instead of holding things in or desperately trying to explain to someone who just doesn't get it, I'm able to vent my feelings on here knowing that I have some amazing people who know the pain/anxiety/hope/desire I feel and are able to give advice or a simple prayer. Also, this week especially there have been quite a few posts of others that I have read and literally been taken aback because it feels like something that I have emotionally been trying to express for so long now and there it was...typed out on someone's blog. Truly amazing and truly God-sent.

That's it for my first "Quick Takes!!"

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Oh the anticipation....

Did she?

Didn't she?

Did she finally call and set up that appointment for the surgery next month?!?!

Ok, I don't want to leave you hanging anymore! I did call.

I was still nervous about doing it but I said a prayer, sucked it up and simply called. So yeah, I was nervous and called...was put on hold and then when I was finally connected they said they were sending me blood work that I needed to complete (no earlier than a month before the surgery) and send back in and then she would call me and set up the actual date for the surgery. So, I will do the blood work sometimes after the 1st of July and then go from there.

Wow. That wasn't a big deal AT all. I got off the phone and my hands were clammy, (yes one of those lucky women who get really sweaty when nervous, well who am I kidding, I get sweaty really easily anyways!) my heart was still racing a bit and the surgery wasn't even scheduled!

I'm glad that we are one step closer to it though. These last couple of days are just another reminder that I'm so done doing the medications each month just to be let down. This surgery will be a good thing. We have spoken to our doctor about it, we've done research and looked up testimonials online and have prayed a lot about it. It's definitely the next thing.

It's been so odd NOT taking medications these last couple of months. It had literally been over 2 years on medications and each month it seemed like all I was doing was counting and thinking about what cycle day I was on so that I would know what medication/shots to take. It's been really weird actually...sort of just "living" like a normal non-IFer... Part of me likes the idea that I am not taking all the meds because it feels sort of refreshing but then of course the other part of me thinks that these last couple months have been wasted. It's a bittersweet sort of thing. I will say this, being intimate with my husband has been better though because there's no pressure or timing consuming our minds thinking about not "wasting" days. It's been really nice...once again, just sort of "living" in the moments with him! Ok, I swear I wont go on and on about me and my husband's (amazing, awesome, sexy, fun, steamy...) time together! ;)

So that's it for now. I'm trying really hard to appreciate these moments though. As hard as it can be at times, right now I am ok with everything. I feel hopeful, happy and excited and well...since these times are far and few when it comes to trying for a baby, I'm going to take these feelings and run with it! I'm trying to keep thinking positive and trying my very best to make these feelings last as long as possible. So far so good.

Well that's all for now, since my DH left for work I've got some of my DVR shows to catch up on (Real Housewives of NY and Jersey, Bachelorette, know the really educational and intellectually stimulating shows!).

"Enjoy this moment. For this moment is your life."

Monday, June 14, 2010

Phone call

Ok, so I told myself that today I would call and set up the infamous appointment for the surgery next month. And.I.Did.Not.

I don't know why even simply making the phone call makes me nervous. It's crazy really. It's like I am secretly deep down thinking she is going to say, "Nope. Not going to happen. You are a lost cause..."


Am I going crazy? I just need to do it already! I guess part of it is knowing that this surgery was one of our "and if nothing else works..." sort of things and well, calling and making the appointment makes is more real. So much hope and anxiousness and excitement all rolled into one for this surgery and the freaking phone call makes me nervous!

I don't need to worry about this though because I know that God has led both my husband and I here and we know that this is where we are suppose to be.

I will do it tomorrow.

I hope.

Goodness, I'm a mess and should stop typing while I'm ahead (I'm ahead right?! ;))

"By the anxieties and worry of this life, Satan tries to dull man's heart and make a dwelling for himself there." -St. Francis of Assisi

Saturday, June 12, 2010

2nd post in one day! What?!

Ok, so I don't tend to write two post in one day, however, I had to post a picture update.

A few short weeks ago, I posted a picture of some eggs I found in my hanging ivy outside on my balcony. This is what I had been seeing; same picture I originally posted, just a little reminder!:

Well, I have been checking in quite often to see if/when they will hatch. And today, I go out and this is what I found:

I think God wanted me to smile...and it worked because I smiled instantly when I saw them! :)

In the middle

Today I'm feeling sort of "in the middle" with my feelings.

Not super sad that things are the way they are in our [attempt at the] baby making world.

Not super happy nor do I feel overwhelmingly hopeful, either.

Just in the middle.

Next week I'm calling my doctor's office to set up the appointment for the ovarian wedge/ovarian drilling surgery. It feels a little crazy that I am even typing this. Oh nerves, please stay away! I want to be calm and trusting and NOT nervous at all.

We shall see how that goes...

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

3 years ago today....

We met for the big day (the same place we had met at when we were in 7th grade) at our Church with all of our close family and friends...

I carried these flowers:

I wore this dress:

I had some of my favorite girlies around to help me get ready:

I was walked down the aisle by the man that had raised me and taught me so much, my grandfather...

He was my groom:

I was his bride:

We ate some delicious food and danced almost the entire reception...

We enjoyed these delicious cakes:

And became husband and wife that day; two separate souls forever joined together in the sacrament of matrimony...

I wanted to share just a few pictures from our big day. I am a visual person and I love to see things and not just "hear" things. :)

3 years.

3 whole years.

It feels like yesterday.

God has blessed us both so much. Although there are times where we struggle because we aren't quite where we thought we would be (no house, no babies, etc...) we rejoice in knowing that our plans don't compare to His plan. God has truly blessed us so much that although we aren't where we hoped, we are far better off because our love for one another continues to grow more and more each day.

And, although I have no idea how it's possible, I love that man more than the day I married him...

Monday, June 7, 2010

TTC History: Part 2

I really thought I would have been able to sit down and write our entire TTC history in one sitting...but that obviously didn't work.

Carrying on:

-September '08: Dr. P immediately discovers that I have PCOS. A SIMPLE sonogram of my ovaries shows this right away. Why my other doctor didn't do this...well, God only knows. He decides he wants to try a couple medicines and is hopeful, that by taking them at a very specific time each month, that we will get pregnant sooner than later. I like the sound of this and feel very confident. Here's the list of medicines that he had me begin with:
B6 every day
Mucinex and Ampicillin (because I had little to no CM).
Prometrium to jump start my periods
He also had us do a SA for the dh...once again, the other doctor never even mentioned the importance of testing my dh which blows my mind because what good would it be to do all these medicines just to find out your husband's semen is no good?! I am a little bitter about the time wasted with my old doctor, as you can tell, but I am trying my best to forget about it, which usually I do but sitting here and typing it out...well, it's bringing back some of that bitterness! Anyways, he has me come in on day 14 to do a sonogram to measure follicles. My body does not respond to the clomid the first month.

-October '08: Meet with a Creighton instructor and learn to chart. My chart shows that I do not ovulate. I have little CM and each day I'm looking I'm searching and hoping for this so called EWCM. I got nothing. I have brown spotting each month so he adds another medicine to help with that, Dexametha(something) I don't remember and I don't have the list in front of me, sorry! We continue with the same medicines.

-November '08: He ups the dosage of Clomid since my body didn't respond the first two months on it. All the other medicines stay the same.

-December '08 through February '09: We continue the same medicine (but taken at different days and at different doses) and continue to go in on day 14 for a sonogram to measure the follicles. We have yet to have a follicle(s) that are even big enough to measure. I'm getting very discouraged and the driving 45 minutes each month to get let down is starting to weigh on my heart/body/soul/mind, etc... My dh and I try and remember that even though we are doing these medicines that the doctor thinks will help, ultimately it is up to God when we conceive. Trying to stay hopeful even though I'm feeling rather defeated...

-March '09: He decides to do the same things but now introduce Femera instead of Clomid.

-April through July '09: Continue taking the medicines, upping the dosage of Femera each month in hopes that my body will respond. Still nothing! At this point I am convinced that my body will never respond to the medicines. I talk to my doctor about this and he says that I have to be patient and that he is starting us out on the smallest dosages of each medicines and working our way up and that time will tell whether or not it will work. Yeah...about that whole time thing, another anniversary is celebrated in June and I am really saddened by the fact that my body has not ovulated AT ALL since we have been married. The idea that the first two years of our marriage we have never even been in a position to create a little miracle breaks me heart. At this point I am thinking over and over again about how when I grew up I knew that you fall in love, get married, and with that love you create a little soul...that simple. This whole IF world is something that I never even knew existed. I am sad because I feel like I am the only one who is going through this.

-August '09: He decides to up the Femera once again and continue the other medicines and also introduce HCG shots. I don't remember the exact dosage, but I knew that it was a shot a day from day 8 until day 14 when they would do the sonograms to test the size of follicles. I am hopeful that this will certainly do something! I mean, how can you take shots and medicines and have timed intercourse and NOT get pregnant?! Oh, little naive me...

-September through November '09: Continuing the same thing. Medicines, shots, sonograms, etc.. And I am still not seeing anything worth measuring. I have my 26th birthday in October and have a melt down. I thought for certain that I would have a least one if not two kids by now! I mean, come on...I met my DH when we were in middle school and we dated off and on throughout HS until becoming serious in college. It was all too perfect... I'm trying to hold my head up even though I am scared to death at this point that maybe God just doesn't want me to have children.

-December '09: Go in for the routine "slap in the face there's going to be nothing" sonogram and low and behold there's three dominant follicles! I start to cry as if I have seen my own baby in there or something! My husband and I (bless his heart, he would drive each month with me to my appointments) are overjoyed that God has done this for us. We had both felt so defeated and had been let so much that we needed this little boost. We take the massive HCG shot and my butt hurts like heck but I gracefully take that pain and skip out of the office hand in hand with my husband knowing that "this was the month"!

-January '10: I was beyond thrilled this would be my first month throughout our 2.5 years of marriage that I got to POAS and we could maybe be pregnant. Those two weeks were the most crazy weeks ever. I seriously googled everything that happened to my body: pregnancy symptoms and 'headaches, frequent bathroom trips, thirstiness, hurt big toe (ok, not really but you get the picture)' because I was convinced that maybe just maybe I was carrying our little soul that we had created. NOT...AF comes on a dreary rainy day (actually blogged about this) and I am My doctor said we would continue the same thing and hope for some more dominant follicles. But after talking a week later after AF, his nurse calls and says that he thinks it's best for us to see an actual RE. He recommends my newest doctor down in San Antonio because she is great at what she does, is a strong Catholic/Christian and has done this so called "wedge resection" surgery which people tend to go to next when the medicines alone don't work. Well, I say people usually go to next but really I mean the ones who don't do IVF.

And so here we are now...looking like we will have the surgery next month. Part of me is hopeful that this will help and this will be our year. Another part of me is terrified out of my mind about the possibility of this not working. Either way, we are trusting that God put us in this exact place with the exact doctor where we will have this exact surgery FOR A REASON. We have always prayed for HIS will to be done and we are trusting that we are exactly where we are suppose to be.

I have my "high" days and I have my "low" days. I still feel that God has put this desire to conceive and have children on my heart and because of this I remain hopeful. I knew getting married what I thought would be the perfect timing for all of this to happen and we have learned the hard way, that if you pray for His will to be done expect it to be in His perfect (and holy) timing.


-July '10: Drove down to San Antonio and had a laproscopic surgery done. My doctor performed the ovarian wedge on one ovary and ovarian drilling on the other. She found some mild endometriosis on my tubes and removed that. After that the dye shot through wonderfully and she said everything looked great.

-August '10: After my surgery the a huge improvement happened...I started my period ON MY OWN and from this point on, I wouldn't need anything to "jump start" it.  We thought surely if I'm getting my period on my own then we'll be pregnant by the end of the year.

-October '10: My SIL tells us about her OBGYN and how he does such a "thorough job" with checking follicles and progesterone and whatnot.  We decide we don't want to "waste" any time just hoping my body is working properly after surgery, so we decide to set up an appointment with him.  He is shocked to hear that we have been open to life since we got married and that we had been actively seeking medical help for almost 3 years.  Of course his first question is about IVF.  :/ I explain our stance and he says he respects that.

Oct. '10-Aug. '11: Many months, blood work, doctor's visits, sonograms and pills later, we realize that our current doctor may not be the one for us.  1)he's not really a RE 2)he seems to only stick with prescribing clomid and checking follicles and giving a booster shot (which, thankfully because of the surgery, we saw quite a few dominate follicles...something we had never seen before).  But since because of my crummy progesterone readings and whatnot, he suspected I had LUFS and then wanted us to see his specialist (ie: IVF doctor.).

Aug. '11-Dec. '12: We decide to take another much needed break as we discern whether or not our next step will be with the Gianna institute in Austin or with PPVI in Omaha.

Dec. '11: We get a call from my MIL that changes our focus.  We are told there is a young teenage mom who is looking for a couple to adopt her unborn baby.  She is about 3 months along and wants it to be a closed adoption.  My DH and I's hearts race at the thought that maybe, just maybe we are already parents and we didn't even know about it.  Our hearts were always open to the idea of adoption, but because of costs, we were never able to fully pursue, and besides, since we had always been smack dab in the middle of IF treatments, our focus was not on it.  We get excited about the idea of being parents and discuss how this is the closest we have ever gotten to a BFP.  Just as quickly as the news came to us, we received word that this young mom aborted her child.  I felt as though I had miscarried this precious, innocent baby.  My heart was shattered as was my DH's.  Words do not even begin to describe the pain that we encountered with this.  All that kept us going was our faith in God and all that he brought to us.

Jan. '12: Excitedly begin to gather all our paper work to send off to Omaha.  We decided that we wanted to go to the "head honcho" of Catholic IF, Doctor Hilgers!

Feb. '12: In the midst of gathering stuff for PPVI, my heart is heavy and I feel so lonely and sad.  2012 was not a good start to a year.  I seemed to cry more than smile and I felt as though I was barely clinging to the hope and faith that had given me strength for so long.

March '12: Finally have everything ready to go and send off our packet and just wait for word back.

April '12: In the midst of waiting to hear back from PPVI, we are presented with another adoption possibility.  My dh is immediately apprehensive, since the last adoption opportunity turned out so very horribly.  Were our hearts healed from the last time?  Could we handle it if things turned out the same way?  In the end we decided to pray about it and that if it was God's will for us to be the parents of this little one, due in August, then the doors would open.  We unfortunately never heard from this young mom or her mom again, but word was that she decided to parent-which I would take ANY day over abortion.  My heart was sad that yet another opportunity was passing us, but so grateful that this young mom chose life.

May '12: We hear back from PPVI!!!  We are going to start working with them and the next thing on the list is to schedule a laproscopic surgery and trip up to Omaha!  After so many months of feeling defeated, this month we were both full of HOPE and full of FAITH that God had us right were he wanted us.  This month, I also come down with strep throat and the little care clinic prescribes ammoxicillan.  I get excited because I notice a LOT of CM-which I attribute to the meds.

June '12: Miracle of Miracles!  Right before our 5 year anniversary...I see what I thought I'd never see...DOUBLE LINES on a pregnancy test!!!!  It seems the meds were not the only things causing the abundance of CM for this PCOS gal, it seems I had actually ovulated and potentially for the first time in over 5 years!  My progesterone was horrible 6.4 and the doctors thought surely I would miscarry, but thankfully since we had just heard back from the PPVI they agreed to monitor my progesterone throughout the pregnancy.

Lots of shots, blood draws and pills put up you know where and here we are....January '13 and less than a month away from meeting our sweet daughter, a miracle that we had only ever dreamt about and hoped for....

"Everyday holds the possibility of a miracle..."

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much."
(Mother Teresa of Calcutta)

Saturday, June 5, 2010

TTC History part 1: *edit: had my years wrong!

When I discover a new IF blogger my first thing I love to do is read their TTC history. The second is when they have (and I truly pray for those that I read, will indeed) get pregnant and what they were doing at that point. So, I decided that although I have my history in different posts, I want to do what I love to see, it all listed out together in one place! Here we go:

-From the age of 13-18: I had a small amount of periods...sooooo spread out and soooo irregular! My regular OBGYN said it was because I was so active with my running that it was normal and puts me on the pill (makes me sad to look back and see that I could have been working with helping my PCOS as opposed to masking it...but I was naive and didn't know any better, besides I wasn't on the pill to prevent pregnancy so I figured there was nothing wrong).

-June '07: We get married. I immediately STOP the pill because I knew what it would do if we were to conceive on it. I think about how neat it would be to have a honeymoon baby and get to work on that! ;)

-August '07: Haven't had a period since before my wedding and although I know it's because there is something wrong with me, I still put myself through the torture of POAS because, once again, I think how neat it would be to be pregnant this early into our marriage! I go back to my old OBGYN, yes the one that prescribed the pill, and ask what's going on with me?! They say there's nothing wrong, I should have stayed on the pill to regulate my periods but that they will try this stuff called prometrium to help me "jump start" my periods each month.

-January '08: This month we go back to them and say there's got to be something wrong and would like them to run some tests to see what's going on with my body. I wasn't a snooty little newly wed upset that I wasn't pregnant by then (I knew we had just gotten married!) but I knew there was something wrong. Call it woman's intuition I guess (oh yeah, and the lack of periods without medicine!). He checks my uterus and tubes (ouch..dye test is SO not fun!). However, he simply rules out PCOS because I'm "too thin, my boobs are too big" and decides that Clomid helps some people to get pregnant so we try this for a few months.

-February, March and April '08: I am blindly given this so called magical drug that helps people to get pregnant. And don't worry, I definitely made sure that it was OK with the Church's teachings first. They say to take it so many days after I start my period and then come in for a blood test a week or so later. I knew NOTHING about what was going on or why they were doing what they were doing. They didn't explain the importance of timing of anything. Looking back it makes me mad that time was wasted on this because they didn't follow up thoroughly enough. Yeah, I suppose I should have asked but I was in denial that there was something wrong. I wanted so badly for it to be easy where all I would have to do is take this medicine and bam...pregnant.

-May '08: Not pregnant and feeling rather defeated. Especially since my doctor tells me that I have "issues" and that they can't help me and that I needed to see a RE. My world is broken and nothing seems to be as devastating as hearing this. Oh wait, the day after I am told that I'm broken, the nice (ha, yeah right) doctor calls and tells me, " me when you are pregnant and I'll deliver!" Yeah right like I was going to call them...they had done nothing for me! They hadn't run more tests to see what could be wrong. There was no way I was ever going back to them.

-June '08: One year anniversary. We are literally taken to dinner by two different sets of friends because they had bet that we would totally be pregnant before our one year anniversary. We were just "that" couple who would be popping kids out left and right! I wish. Both friends said if not,(we figured we would win either way: free food if not, baby is so!) then they had to treat us to any dinner we chose. On our wedding day this little bet seemed cute and innocent enough. This time, going to dinner with them wasn't quite the fun I had expected. I really wanted a baby.

-July '08: Discuss with my friend about how we were struggling but don't go into details. (I've mentioned this next part in my first post but thought I would repeat so it's all together now). She refers us to an amazing OBYGN who is Catholic and helps women that deal with fertility issues. We feel SOOO excited and hopeful about this!

-August '08: We finally are able to meet with this amazing Catholic doctor. He tells us he is going to run some tests and wants us to start charting. I had heard about charting but had never really thought about it. The first thing he says from simply hearing my history so far, "I think it's PCOS but I want to run tests first."

-So the testing and charting begins immediately following that first appointment...

I would totally continue to write out the entire history, but writing it out in a sort of (detailed, sorry sometimes I ramble on and on and on...) time line is taking way more time than I intended and I have stuff to do. So this is part 1 and I'll write out part 2 another time.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow."