Looking back...**edit

Im glad I tried.

What exactly do I mean by this?

I mean that in the middle of carrying the oh so heavy cross of IF, I still tried.

There were many times I had to "fake" it...but none the less I tried.

I texted my SILs that were pregnant, asking them how they were and to remind them that my precious niece/nephew was in my prayers.

Sure, sometimes the bitterness and pain followed shortly after the conversation, but I still tried.

I had lunch with my girlfriends, who would never know the pains of IF and whose pregnant bellies grew and grew from the little ones growing within.

Did I have to give myself a massive pep talk before these lunches and ask for prayers of strength?

Most always. But I still tried.

I attended most all baby showers to show my support.

Were there there were times I'd excuse myself to cry in the bathroom because it was quite painful?

Heck to the yes. But I still tried.

My point in all this is that looking back now, I'm so beyond grateful that I tried. That even though there were so many times that I struggled and hurt and felt absolutely defeated, to those that were important to me I tried.

Why did I try so hard-Besides the obvious that I wanted to show support to those that were important?

Because in the midst of my pain, I knew deep down, one way or anther (conception or adoption) our family would grow. I did not know when and I did not know how, but I knew that someday it would be. And when that day would come I wanted the support from my close family and friends, just as I did for them.

I didn't want to be a person who yes, although at times very bitter/jealous/sad/angry, let those emotions run my life...and allow me to not celebrate with those I love.

I know we each have our own journeys, some have been battling this cross for far too long, while others are new to the game but almost instantly know the pain.

Some people are good at faking it, others can't because it's too much.

The thing is, for me, I'm glad that I did-because all those times of celebrating with friends and families over their growing families made me put my desires aside and be there for them.

And now, being only weeks away from meeting our daughter, I am beyond grateful for those that have shown support and celebrated with us during this pregnancy-especially those closest to us that knew of our struggle.

So, as hard as it was at times (so so so very hard and uncomfortable), looking back I am so glad I tried.

**edit:
I'm in no way saying that people always have to try or that if you don't do what I did then it means you're weak or whatnot. I'm just saying what I did and what worked for me. It was definitely something I had to do-because if not i would have been in a perpetual state of bitterness/sadness/anger. Aaaaaand, end of rant! ;)

Sweet baby, before you were even conceived I was forcing myself to grow, to do things that made me uncomfortable, to put myself aside so that I could be there for others. You already have taught me so much. I can't wait to meet you-anytime you're ready, we're ready!