Friday, July 26, 2013

Mommyhood up to now...

I can still remember those last few weeks leading up to F's big arrival.  I wanted to meet her so badly that it seemed that each day was longer than the last, like time was going at a slow crawl.

Then her arrival and what a whirlwind of an experience.  Talk about FLYING by...there are many days I wish I could go back to those weeks leading up to her birth.  I would probably try and soak them in a bit more if I could.  But, I don't seem to have that superhero power and so I will just try to live in the moment now.

For these first 5 and half months of her life there have been so many highs and so many lows.  Many days I joke I feel like I am just as clueless as the day before.  And then I have days where I feel like I am rocking and a rolling at the whole being a mama.

All in all the first months were filled with a lot of moments/times/events that  I hadn't prepared for.  Sure there was the exhaustion, the clueless-ness, etc...but mixed in to that was also: Baby blues.  Oh baby blues...I thought surely many times that I had PPD because there were so many evenings that I would simply cry and cry and cry and look at this beautiful baby and wonder if I truly loved her enough...if I was good enough...If I would ever be ok with loosing my freedom...if she would ever love me...if my husband would love her more...if my struggle with IF was because I wasn't suppose to be a mother.  Thankfully, this only lasted a few weeks and the uncontrollable crying stopped and I realized that my hormones were messing with me oh so  badly. And then the exhaustion hit in and it was something that I had heard about but was much harder than I anticipated-something that as cliche as it sounds, I didn't quite get until I was living it myself. And there were many more things but honestly, I am sure I would sound like any other new mom out I'll just stop at those.

Here I am now, with an almost 6 month old who we waited nearly 5 years for, and I am still in awe that she is my daughter.  There are many mornings where I wake up at "too early" o'clock and drag my feet into her room and pick her up and do our little morning routine all the while thinking about what I would give for just a little bit more sleep.  But then there are mornings where I wake up at the all too familiar "too early" o'clock and tip toe into her room and look at her and nearly break down in tears that she is actually ours.

Something new that has been happening lately?  She recognizes me!  There will be times when others are holding her and she sees me and whimpers...she locks eyes with me and wants only me.  And when I grab her she locks her little dimpled arms around me and kisses (okay, more like sucks but whatever) my neck and I melt...and think about how all those moments where I wasn't so sure...when I was scared...when I felt like I gave so much and got nothing in return...but then, it seems that all of a sudden...I got something back.

That little whimper for me.
That little hug.
That little slobber kiss.
That recognition that I am her mama.

So worth the wait...the wait through the difficult first few months...through the difficult moments even now.

Worth the wait just like she was worth the wait through all those months of BFNs, injections, medicines, crazy hormones, feeling left out...

It's all worth it.
So very worth it.

(Here's a new trick of Faith's...her little ham it up smile! Thank you Aunt E for capturing this one!)

"Make this moment count."


imusthaveprayedforpatience said...

I have gone through all the same feelings and I think sleep deprivation plays a huge part in that baby blues thing. When your brain has no time to recover, everything just seems overwhelming.

I know what you mean, too, about baby recognizing you. Whenever anyone holds my baby, he always has an eye on me, making sure he knows where I am. ;)

All in His Perfect Timing said...

Ohhh, she is TOO adorable! I love her little smile! <3
The recognition that you are her mama and no one but you will do is perhaps some of the best moments of parenting that I have ever experienced. As you said ... SO worth everything to get to her!

Catholic Mutt said...

I love that scrunched nose smile! SO cute!

Megan said...

Isn't it just crazy! I look at my almost 7 month old and there are times I can't even remember before she arrived.

Angela said...

Oh what an adorable pic!!! And I was up at "too early o'clock" today....ugh... Love that phrase though! They are so worth it!

Stephanie said...

What a wonderful blog and precious baby girl! Just found you through the Catholic IF blog circle. Your story gives me hope! I look forward to reading more :)