Wednesday, February 1, 2012

So sad.

I have this friend who I have known since we were in the second grade. We have been close off and on since that time but really the first "break" in our relationship was when we left for college-which I feel is completely understandable.

When I was a sophomore in college she called me out of the blue and I knew something was up because we hadn't spoken in quite a few months (since maybe summer break when we were both home).

She was in tears and her voice was shaky.

My heart sank because I didn't know what she was about to share with me but I knew it was something not good.

She had told me that her and her now "broken up with boyfriend" had just found out they were pregnant.

She was so broken and confused and unsure of what to do.

She had only spoken to her mother, the ex and a couple close college buddies.

I was feeling like God had really called her to talk to me because I would be the voice of "the other side."

You see, her mother was all for terminating the pregnancy, and in fact had told my friend that she had had 3 aborti.ons when she was younger.

She told me this and I was shocked, I guess I knew they were hard core liberals and "free-spirits" but I had never had such a grasp on people I knew having an abo.rtion.

Then of course there was her ex and other friends. ALL pro-choice and about not messing up a women's life and the path she wanted not the one that she didn't plan for.

I of course told her that she should pray about this and think about this and that I had some really great resources for her and people she could talk to about what was happening.

I talked to her about adoption about how that at this point there was no going back, that this baby was already here...and with a heart beat and fingers and toes.

She sobbed on the phone saying she was so confused and wasn't sure what she was suppose to do.

I begged her to pray long and hard and please talk to someone with more advice as to what she could do after the baby was born.

We got off the phone and I told me bf (now dh), in tears, what had just happened. Him and I stopped and said a prayer for her, the ex, and the baby.

Hearing her cry and acknowledge the fact that she knew she was indeed pregnant with a baby, I just knew in my heart she would choose life.

Not so...

A few weeks later I got a text that her and her ex decided that at this time in their lives it wouldn't work out to have a baby and so they "took care of it."

My heart was devastated and I cried for the loss and I cried knowing that my friend would be in pain dealing with this.

We lost touch for awhile and I knew it was because she was probably worried about what I would say/think/feel.

Fast forward to the next summer break: my usual group of close gf's that got together, when home from college, all decided to go out and grab drinks to welcome the summertime fun.

We all had a blast and enjoyed relaxing and not thinking about school and worrying about homework.

Then at the end of the night I had noticed my one friend had a little too much to drink and so I offered to drive her home seeing as her parent's lived right around the corner from me.

Right before I turned on her street she broke down.

Through her tears she said, "I can't believe I killed my baby. But I just know it wouldn't have worked out. I have so much I want to do with my life. Live in NY. Be on broadway. Get married to someone I love. Live my life. BUT, I can't believe that I killed my baby."

I had tears in my eyes seeing my friend so broken and in pain. All I could muster out was that her baby was now safely in heaven and I told her that I would pray for her healing.

And that was that.

That event was never talked about again.

I couldn't help but think about what it was like for her to get married (now two years) to a new, amazing man and knowingly and willingly discuss the excitement of having children.

She must still think about what happened in college even though she puts on a front.

The thing that breaks my heart the most is that noone else knows of that night between the two of us. If they did, they wouldn't believe it. You see, she is HARD core pro-choice and women's rights.

But I know she aches somewhere deep inside, even if she chooses to not think about it right now.

It's hard for me, because I had that moment with her, the moment where my "pro-choice, women's right" friend broke down and told me she was in pain because she knew she killed her baby.

I've even tried to be careful what I say on FB because I don't want to hurt her. My dh says I need to just be open-for example, during the March for life, I usually just say "a person's a person no matter how small" and even though I love this quote I would love to post a beautiful picture of a 7 week old baby showing their perfect little toes and fingers and well...I always hold back because I don't want her to be in pain.

And she's usually pretty hush hush on the whole pro-choice subject, but then today, I log on and see this:

And I wanted to say something SO badly...but I don't like confrontation and I don't want to hurt her because I KNOW how she felt after her abort.ion.

I guess I just wish there was a "dis-like" button on FB because that way people could tell I just don't like something but am not looking for an argument or fight...which I would surely get if I said something, and most likely not from her but from her very open and very loud liberal friends.

I honestly have no idea of where I am going with this. I most likely will not say something but I am feeling more and more like I should speak up about what I feel is important (a person's a person no matter how small) and just realize that if people get angry (which I have seen with others on fb) then they can simply "un-friend" me.

Another great fear I have with all this...getting the call or text from her saying "we're expecting!!" and not being angry with her for wanting this one and not the other one. I guess we will cross that bridge when it comes. Hopefully I will have a sweet one nestled in my arms when that happens...

Sorry for the long rant...I had to get it off my chest.


Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

That is soooo sad. And what an awful thing to post on FB. Yuck.

Your friend reminds me of my ex-boyfriend from high school (whom I almost married!). He had sex earlier in high school with a girl who got pregnant. He (from what I understand) helped her pay for the abortion. I learned about it years into our relationship and he seemed to be fine with it (he was very 'pro-choice'). One night in college we were both drunk and I asked him about it, crying to him and asking him how he could have killed his own child. He started sobbing!! He was so upset and didn't want to talk about it. By the next day, he was back to normal and it was never spoken of again.

I think this sort of thing really does stick in their souls. So sad.

I will pray for your friend. (And as you know, I am the kind who would have said something on facebook, ha ha!)

Ania said...

Wow, that is so hard! I don't know that I have any advice except to pray and pray hard. I almost wonder if the strong pro-choice attitude is just a mask and/or coping mechanism to deal with the pain. If she can justify it to herself, she can more easily bury the guilt. Deep down she knows what she did was wrong. It's engrained in us as beings created in God's image and likeness. What a tormented place to be. I pray she finds the truth.

Little JoAnn said...

Oh, my....this is the saddest post! Oh, and I can relate--how strange, this same thing is kinda happening to me...someone who I met quickly I connected with on Facebook and she sent the SAME picture that you posted above...and I was left with the feeling to show my point of view without estrangings somehow who I really do not know (but in your case you really do know and you know the FULL TRUTH!!!)

Facebook is really a weird zone...on the one hand who does not want to keep things light but on the other hand...why use it if one has to hide one's truth beliefs.

This reflection should be a part of Rachel's Vineyard ministries....
Abortion effects everyone, even friends and loved ones on the side lines. It is such a dirty secret!

The shame just has to come out.

You were a wonderful friend...

And, your great fear...ugh...this story is tremendously SAD!!!

Rant away! We are here for you.

imusthaveprayedforpatience said...

How sad. You know what, though, even though she posted that stupid e-card, she probably still has those sad feelings buried deep inside. I don't know if you guys have any more contact with each other, other than fb, but if you did, maybe you could somehow mention Rachel's Vineyard to her? That is a group that helps people heal from ab.ortions.

Sometimes, I really hate fb. I hate seeing the super liberal side come out of some people I know, and I get super anxious speaking up sometimes, but I go ahead and do it. I once had a law school classmate "unfriend" me around the anniversary of R v. W a couple of years ago because she had posted something about how she was so happy about this day and that women have a "choice," blah, blah, blah. I simply responded "thou shalt not kill." Then, I get a call from a good friend of mine saying there was a whole fb discussion behind my back about me. Whatevs.

The only other advice I have, besides Rachel's Vineyard, is prayer. I'm sorry you are going through this.

All in His Perfect Timing said...

Wow! I'm glad she does have remorse over killing what she knows is a baby, but I can't believe she did that in the first place. You are not to blame at all, as you counseled and prayed for her and her baby.
I agree with the other ladies about maybe she's hurt and putting on a front with the liberal stuff, but perhaps she should just be silent.
I can't imagine your feelings with her and especially with her discussing a future pregnancy excitedly. Knife to the heart. I'm glad you brought this up to us. I will pray for you and your friend.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

It makes me sad too...that even knowing her own pain, she still supports abortion. And how on earth could her mother tell her she'd had 3 abortions??? I can't imagine ever casually telling my child, "Oh, I killed three of your siblings." It's horrifying.

You are right, it is so hard to know what to say and do in those situations, and on FB too. I wish I were gifted in debate and could take on those confrontations head-on, but the truth is they make me so sad and upset I just can't handle it. I saw that same post and had to hide it, b/c I just couldn't look at it.

Sad. Sad sad sad. :(

Faith makes things possible said...

Thank y'all so much for your sweet comments!! For some reason I was nervous about just going off about all this...unsure off where I was headed!

I never thought about it-in that abortions really do hurt so many people aside from those immediately connected-but it's something I'm realizing more and more and praying that God helps to heal all those effected.

Random note:
Does anyone have a simple lInk where it shows the PP was not giving mammograms?! I would love (well, we'll see if I don't chicken out!!) to maybe post this along with my "yay no more funding to PP!"

Like I said we shall see...I don't really want to hurt/cause a debate-who knows people may ignore me and if not I've got some pretty awesome, cough Leila cough*, people to help me out! ;)

Thanks again for the prayers-they are truly the greatest gift!!!

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

Here is the link to the lie about mammograms:

And, this is a good one to throw out on facebook with the innocent question: "ls this the kind of organization that deserves any support? They routinely covered up and even abetted child sex trafficking."

Anonymous said...

I am so glad I saw your post. I had a similar reaction to many posts of friends on FB last night. I hate creating controversy online.... and I didn't know how to respond but I also feel like I need to respond.

CM said...

This is so sad. I hope and pray that people will be able to face the pain so that they can receive healing. I sometimes think that people who regret an abortion on some deep level have to hold extra hard to their pro choice level because they are not able to deal with the pain otherwise. Before they are ready to face it, there's not much you can do.

Jenny said...

So very sad.

FB has been so tense these last few days. I hardly ever comment on some of my liberal friends posts... but I couldn't take it any longer. I wrote what I felt... and hit the post button. I felt sick because I knew that I had put myself in unwelcome waters.... with a 'good friend' from work. Talk about being uncomfortable the next day at work. Oh well... it had to be said. But I soooo understand how it can be uncomfortable to post stuff! I'm a chicken most of the time!

Thankful said...

This is heartbreaking. Abortion is something that I am once-removed from with a few friends and family members - it makes me sick to my stomach and angry. All of the FB action lately has really made me rethink who I want to associate with... Thanks for this post and prayers for your friend and her baby in heaven.

allyouwhohope said...

So incredibly sad. And I'm guessing your friend's reaction (and Leila's too) is common. I would bet most who have been personally touched by it secretly know what abortion really is. Which makes it even sadder. I'd like to think they know not what they do, but it seems like many do and it's just heartbreaking :( :(

allyouwhohope said...

Oh, and just wanted to add what a good friend you were to her during all that.

Anonymous said...

I had a very good girlfriend all throughout middle school and high school.

She had two abortions. After her first abortion, I remember I was driving and it was nighttime and I remember exactly where I was....I will absolutely never FORGET the sound of her voice when she called me and told me it was over with and she was in so much physical pain. The ache in her voice I will never forget.

She ended up having another abortion after that....The abortions just don't hurt the women and the fathers.

It was devastating to our relationship as well. She never talked about it but she never let me back in. So we never discussed it again and eventually after being kept at arms length I just couldn't continue to go on with our friendship because it was "fake" in a way considering how close we had been before...

We minimally kept in contact and my heart aches still to this day for her. It pains me that she went through it not once but twice. Two babies.

I know her well and I see it in her eyes...You can't be that close with someone and not know. I feel her pain and pray for her often even though we don't talk anymore.

She did text me and tell me she was pregnant while we were in the middle of our infertility. I just prayed for her that the little baby would bring her so much healing.....I can't imagine the depth of destruction abortion must do....Maybe you can look at it that way? Pray that it is healing for her?

I'm sure her adamant support of "women's rights" is her own conscious screaming out....I know that is why this fight is so vicious.......

Ugh, your story is so sad and I totally relate....Abortion affects so many people. :(

Rebecca said...

So much has already been said. I just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you and your friend and that I agree - it's so hard to know when and what to say.

Nicole C said...

So, so sad. I work with a lot of post-abortion women and they all agree, 100%, that no matter what someone says on the outside, they will eventually, if not already, regret what they did. And they KNOW it was a baby.