So sad.

I have this friend who I have known since we were in the second grade. We have been close off and on since that time but really the first "break" in our relationship was when we left for college-which I feel is completely understandable.

When I was a sophomore in college she called me out of the blue and I knew something was up because we hadn't spoken in quite a few months (since maybe summer break when we were both home).

She was in tears and her voice was shaky.

My heart sank because I didn't know what she was about to share with me but I knew it was something not good.

She had told me that her and her now "broken up with boyfriend" had just found out they were pregnant.

She was so broken and confused and unsure of what to do.

She had only spoken to her mother, the ex and a couple close college buddies.

I was feeling like God had really called her to talk to me because I would be the voice of "the other side."

You see, her mother was all for terminating the pregnancy, and in fact had told my friend that she had had 3 aborti.ons when she was younger.

She told me this and I was shocked, I guess I knew they were hard core liberals and "free-spirits" but I had never had such a grasp on people I knew having an abo.rtion.

Then of course there was her ex and other friends. ALL pro-choice and about not messing up a women's life and the path she wanted not the one that she didn't plan for.

I of course told her that she should pray about this and think about this and that I had some really great resources for her and people she could talk to about what was happening.

I talked to her about adoption about how that at this point there was no going back, that this baby was already here...and with a heart beat and fingers and toes.

She sobbed on the phone saying she was so confused and wasn't sure what she was suppose to do.

I begged her to pray long and hard and please talk to someone with more advice as to what she could do after the baby was born.

We got off the phone and I told me bf (now dh), in tears, what had just happened. Him and I stopped and said a prayer for her, the ex, and the baby.

Hearing her cry and acknowledge the fact that she knew she was indeed pregnant with a baby, I just knew in my heart she would choose life.

Not so...

A few weeks later I got a text that her and her ex decided that at this time in their lives it wouldn't work out to have a baby and so they "took care of it."

My heart was devastated and I cried for the loss and I cried knowing that my friend would be in pain dealing with this.

We lost touch for awhile and I knew it was because she was probably worried about what I would say/think/feel.

Fast forward to the next summer break: my usual group of close gf's that got together, when home from college, all decided to go out and grab drinks to welcome the summertime fun.

We all had a blast and enjoyed relaxing and not thinking about school and worrying about homework.

Then at the end of the night I had noticed my one friend had a little too much to drink and so I offered to drive her home seeing as her parent's lived right around the corner from me.

Right before I turned on her street she broke down.

Through her tears she said, "I can't believe I killed my baby. But I just know it wouldn't have worked out. I have so much I want to do with my life. Live in NY. Be on broadway. Get married to someone I love. Live my life. BUT, I can't believe that I killed my baby."

I had tears in my eyes seeing my friend so broken and in pain. All I could muster out was that her baby was now safely in heaven and I told her that I would pray for her healing.

And that was that.

That event was never talked about again.

I couldn't help but think about what it was like for her to get married (now two years) to a new, amazing man and knowingly and willingly discuss the excitement of having children.

She must still think about what happened in college even though she puts on a front.

The thing that breaks my heart the most is that noone else knows of that night between the two of us. If they did, they wouldn't believe it. You see, she is HARD core pro-choice and women's rights.

But I know she aches somewhere deep inside, even if she chooses to not think about it right now.

It's hard for me, because I had that moment with her, the moment where my "pro-choice, women's right" friend broke down and told me she was in pain because she knew she killed her baby.

I've even tried to be careful what I say on FB because I don't want to hurt her. My dh says I need to just be open-for example, during the March for life, I usually just say "a person's a person no matter how small" and even though I love this quote I would love to post a beautiful picture of a 7 week old baby showing their perfect little toes and fingers and well...I always hold back because I don't want her to be in pain.

And she's usually pretty hush hush on the whole pro-choice subject, but then today, I log on and see this:

And I wanted to say something SO badly...but I don't like confrontation and I don't want to hurt her because I KNOW how she felt after her abort.ion.

I guess I just wish there was a "dis-like" button on FB because that way people could tell I just don't like something but am not looking for an argument or fight...which I would surely get if I said something, and most likely not from her but from her very open and very loud liberal friends.

I honestly have no idea of where I am going with this. I most likely will not say something but I am feeling more and more like I should speak up about what I feel is important (a person's a person no matter how small) and just realize that if people get angry (which I have seen with others on fb) then they can simply "un-friend" me.

Another great fear I have with all this...getting the call or text from her saying "we're expecting!!" and not being angry with her for wanting this one and not the other one. I guess we will cross that bridge when it comes. Hopefully I will have a sweet one nestled in my arms when that happens...

Sorry for the long rant...I had to get it off my chest.