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Monday, September 10, 2012

She will never know what that feels like...

Today, while I was napping, my dh came in and asked if I wanted to be up by a certain time, since we had things to do. I said, "30 more mins..." and then he sweetly tucked me back in, kissed me and walked out.

At that exact moment my mind raced back to me being a child. I've mentioned a few times on here about how we weren't raised by our parents because of a lot of unimaginable things that would occur.

Some things that I still think about to this day, although I'm definitely in a good place of healing.

There are things were pretty awful and others were smaller things, although still having a huge impact on me.

I've said it before, I have always wanted to be a mom...and especially be the mom I never had.

And now that I know we're having a daughter my mind races in excitement that this little one will always, always know she's loved by her mama and dad.

Going back to earlier today, right after my dh tucked me in it had me thinking back to being a little 3-4 year old. I always yearned for affection and love from my parents, even through abuse and neglect.

And something so simple i desired with my whole heart was to be tucked in.

I can distinctly remember on numerous occasions crying myself to sleep because all I wanted was to be tucked in and my parents wouldn't.

Then fast forward to the summer before second grade and the best thing that could have ever happen to us, happened....my grandparents took us in.

I knew that each night before they went to bed my Gm would come up and check on all of us. I would purposely, no matter how cold I was or tired i was, make sure to not have my covers on and I would also pretend to be asleep because i knew my Gm would, without fail, come in and tuck me in.

I felt so loved in those precious moments, that probably were simple to my Gm.

And I love knowing that our daughter will never know what it feels like to just want to be loved, to yearn for affection or have to fight for it.

Yes, my childhood, in those early years was rough, and we went through things that most children never even know about, but the beauty in all this is that my daughter will never experience any of that.

And something as simple as being tucked in will be something that just happens for her and she will not know what it feels like to fall asleep feeling unloved or unwanted.

That's one thing I can guarantee...hugs, kisses, lots of love and snuggly tuck-ins at night.

And how my heart fills with utter joy thinking about tucking her in.


Sweet little one, we love you so much...


"Always kiss your children goodnight - even if they're already asleep." [H. Jackson Brown, Jr.]

13 comments:

A Martha trying to be Mary said...

My eyes are filled with tears from this post for many reasons.

For amazing grandparents, I also had some of those and will forever miss them, for all children experiencing abuse and pain which never should happen, and from joy that you have such an amazing DH and your baby will get to experience him and you as her parents.

A Martha trying to be Mary said...

My eyes are filled with tears from this post for many reasons.

For amazing grandparents, I also had some of those and will forever miss them, for all children experiencing abuse and pain which never should happen, and from joy that you have such an amazing DH and your baby will get to experience him and you as her parents.

Ania said...

I feel the same way, not for the same reason, but I can relate. My grandparents played a monumental role for me too and I'm so excited to share the love they had for me with this little one. You grandparents sound just as special as mine :)

More Than Anything said...

You have me in tears. I cannot imagine a childhood like that. Your daughter is very lucky to have you. She will be loved beyond reason...and most importantly know it. :)

Rebecca said...

TCIE has said it before, but I will say it again - your joy about becoming a mommy is beautiful! Thank-you for sharing it with us. Thank-you for reminding me of "why"!

Grace in my Heart said...

You have me tearing up too! So beautiful. Your little girl will be so loved. :)

JellyBelly said...

God bless your grandparents!!!

Lea said...

I don't think I've ever commented on your blog although I'm a lurker. I can't help but comment this time. What a beautiful post truly written by your heart. How blessed both you and your precious daughter are to have each other. I rock my sweet baby girl to sleep each night and after giving her a blessing and a kiss. I make sure she is covered nicely with her comfy blanket. I've never thought twice of doing this as it's the only thing I know to do from my own upbringing, but your post has given it new meaning and I will be reminded of how such a simple act of love can truly mean so much. May God continue to bless you.

Em said...

Your story is so beautiful and so full of redemption!

All in His Perfect Timing said...

I love *so much* of this post. I am so sorry that you had to face such abuse, especially from your parents, but am so thankful for the tradition that your Grandma has passed on to you, that you can now share with your little girl.

My Heart Exults said...

From such atrocity comes such beauty. You are going to be a great mom!

Julie said...

Bedtime moments are so special. I am so glad your daughter will have those moments with you and that you. I hope you find even more healing from your past through your new role of motherhood!

Faith makes things possible said...

Thanks for the sweet comments and comments from new people. Y'all are the best!

And yes, praise the Lord for my sweet grandparents...God only knows where I would be without them...