Saying thank you.

This morning I woke up and made cupcakes in between feeding the baby, cleaning and getting ready for the day. Oh but don't be too impressed...I made boxed ones this time...but DO be impressed by the fact that I made the funfetti kind. So good.

Why make cupcakes on this random Tuesday you ask? To say thank you.

As you might remember, when we first found out we were pregnant last June, my old doctor was not going to provide any more progesterone support aside from one oral progesterone pill...and with a lousy level of 6, things didn't look that great. But with the encouragement of many bloggers, I followed up with PPVI and they agreed to monitor me and even over nighted injections!

One predicament that we encountered was that I needed to find a place to draw up my labs and then release it to me to send to Omaha. No place/lab was willing to do it until my MIL mentioned her good church friend's husband...who was a obgyn! And he agreed that they would draw my labs (for free!!!) and release it to me to ship! Praise The Lord!

So every other week from week 6 onwards, I woke up early on Tuesday and would drive 30 mins east to his office. Most times I would pray my rosary asking (more like begging and pleading) The Lord to help my numbers to rise properly and help my sweet little one to continue to grow. My heart was usually anxious.

And today, I got in my car and drove the same way I did all those times, except this time my heart wasn't anxious...I wasn't nervous about getting my blood drawn yet again...and I certainly wasn't begging God to help my numbers rise because I feared miscarriage or early labor.

Nope, today I had tears of joy driving to that office because of a certain someone sitting behind me.

She was here.
She was safe.

And I had no fears that my body would fail and cause her harm.

Cupcakes didn't quite seem like enough to say just how grateful I was but I think her smiles and coos made up for that...she was definitely chipper and extra social during the visit!

And after the visit, instead of the usual waiting around for my lab and then trip to the post office, I headed to my in laws because little miss was hungry. And so I fed her and snuggled with her extra!

The journey to getting to this day, this moment was sure filled with lots of tears and fears...but overall I am still in awe that I'm her mama.

"To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping"

[Side note: I tried to upload pictures but blogger wasn't having it...quite frustrating! Anyone else have this issue?]

Talking IF at a mom's group

One of my SIL's is  part of a mom's group at her church and while I was pregnant she mentioned a few times about me joining.  It always seemed so odd to talk to her about it, I mean come on, ME...join a mom's group?!  Yeah sure I was pregnant but it still hadn't sunk in that I was a mom.  5 years of IF will do that to you!  Well, after F was born she talked with me about coming again.  One would assume that actually having the baby in my arms would make it seem more real, that I was indeed a mom and I could actually join this mom's group.  

So I went to my first meeting and it felt.so.very.odd.

A bunch of moms just sitting in this semi-circle.
Some with little babies.
Others with their older ones in the nursery.
 All talking about the ups and downs of motherhood.

I have now been to about 4 or so meetings and it is finally feeling not so weird.  I am finally feeling like I am not an imposter.

I am actually looking forward to these meetings and not feeling so uncomfortable.

At one of the meetings, the group leader had everyone go around and discuss who they were and say a little something about them.  I kept it light, "my name is J, this is my dh and I's first baby, F, and I've never been to a mom's group before so this feels odd..."

Anyways, as they were going around the circle-which was made up of young moms (like my SIL) and some older ones who had kids in school already, but most moms had at least 2+ kids.  There was this one woman however, K, who was very soft spoken and seemed really sweet.  She said her name and that she had only one child who was 8.  Now, to the average never experienced IF gal, they may have thought nothing of it but the first thing I thought of was, "I bet she is suffering from IF."  I made a mental note to offer up prayers for her, just in case.

Fast forward to today's meeting.  The topic was Faith and we were suppose to have a guest speaker, however last minute they had to cancel.  So instead, the group leader decided that we would go around and if we wanted to share, discuss how faith plays a roll in our lives. 

As she said that, I looked down at the sweet little one nestled in my arms.  All I could think about was how faith was the only thing I had at times to get through those difficult and sometimes dark periods of IF.  I kissed her nose and thanked God for helping me to cling to my faith because it brought us to our sweet little Faith.

The first woman began to describe when faith was prevalent in her life...a difficult pregnancy and child birth.  The next one described how she labored a long time but had faith it would be fine.  Another discussed how she was told she was going to have to have a c-section but had faith God would help her to birth naturally.  A couple other moms talked about their conversion to Catholicism and how their faith led them to the Church.

Then we came to that one lady, K.  I noticed that tears were already filling her eyes before she even spoke.  I myself felt a lump form in my throat and the warmth of my own tears building up also.  She went on to say she was unsure that she wanted to share something so personal but that she felt compelled to.  And then she discussed how she and her dh had always wanted a big family but unfortunately they only had their one child, the 8 year old.  She talked about how hard it was but that she had faith in God.

I hate that I was right in my thinking she was suffering with IF.  I really do.  There's just something about having gone through it that makes you super aware of others that may or may not be going through it (before it's ever discussed even!!!).  Now, I don't know her whole story, she seems rather private, but I'm hoping that by going to these meetings and social gatherings, I'll get to know her and maybe hear more about what she's going through, what they've done, etc...but until then, I'm definitely praying for her.  Seeing her talk about it I noticed that pain in her eyes that only an IFer would recognize.

When the time came for me to talk I was nervous about saying something but then I realized that if that one lady could talk about her struggle, so could I.  And besides, being able to hold up my sweet little Faith for all to see, as a testimony of sorts, seemed too perfect for this discussion of faith.

I am pretty sure my voice was shaky, I had a few tears in my eyes but did a good job of not really crying, and I probably rushed the story and purposely left our many details (too personal and private to share with these women I have only known for a bit) and said something along the lines of: married for almost six years.  were trying immediately after getting married and secretly hoping for honeymoon baby.  sought the help from numerous doctors from 6 months into our marriage until this time last year.  was about to work with PPVI when a month before our 5 year anniversary we got our first ever BFP.  Clung to our faith throughout the struggle and now we have our little Faith here with us. 

Like I said, I kept out many details because I didn't feel it necessary to open up that much, but I am so glad I said something.  If anything, maybe that one mom, K will realize she isn't alone in her struggles, that even in the midst of all these other seemingly fertile, Catholic moms, there was someone else that understood that pain.

It's crazy where the cross of IF will show up.  

I know for me, the last place I expected it was mom's group. 

(Photo courtesy of Pinterest)

Multitasking

[Coffee+curling the hair+holding the babe.]



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The three times I cried today.

1) Pulling up to the doctor's office in anticipation of F's 2 month appointment with shots.
2) When the doctor talked about all of her milestones and about how she will start going longer in between her night time feedings.
3) When she received her shots.

To be honest, I laughed-although awkwardly through my tears-after each time. I know I'm being way emotional.

I know this.

It's just that there's the fact that my little one is already 2 months old and I simply cannot believe it (I don't care if it sounds cliche either!!!). How can it be that with the 4.5 years waiting for her, each month dragged on by and yet here we are...my pregnancy gone and over with and my sweet newborn now 2 months?

That's one of the main things that had me in tears, in front of the doctor today, when he was discussing all her milestones and about how she's sleeping longer through the night, etc...it's going by too fast and I still feel like we just got our BFP not that long ago.

So yes, tears because I realize just how quickly things move along...

...and tears of course seeing her going from our bright eyed smiling beauty to waaaaailing and then moving to "tears streaming with her mouth wide open but no sound coming out" crying because of the shots!

Thankfully the nurse was sweet and I had my dh there.

I was such an emotional mess today.

Things are just going by so quickly.

I've waited so long for this that I hope that through the crazy, stressful and at times down right tough moments I don't forget:
where we've come from...the waiting...the hundreds of sleepless/tearful nights of pain wondering when I would be a mom...what it felt like to feel her kick/move from within...mostly, that I don't forget every single thing that had to happen, that had to come together at the most perfect moment to create that miracle.

That sweet miracle I call my daughter (my daughter!! saying this still makes me heart leap with joy) that's sleeping a few feet away in her bassinet....

Dear Lord,
I thank you for the miracle of life. I thank you for our daughter. Some days are absolutely perfect and as I always envisioned/hoped for and other days are hard, and I feel so overwhelmed and under qualified, but through it all I am beyond grateful that you've entrusted my husband and i with her. Help us to always cherish these moments with her.
Amen.

So in love with him.

When I went to write something on the list for my next grocery trip I saw this...

And this (oh, if only you could hear what's going on in this next picture, like him singing sweetly and telling her stories)...


I am so blessed.

Oh goo.gle

I have a problem.
A problem that involves a little someone by the name of goo.gle.
I use him waaaaay too often and every time he has me second guessing just about everything I do.

During our nearly 5 year struggle, each month during the 2ww I would do searches for all these symptoms and he would tell me either I was pregnant, I wasn't pregnant or I was going to most likely grow an extra ear.

Then, when I was (oh so very surprisingly and gratefully) pregnant I would do searches for my loss of symptoms, possible symptoms, etc and he would tell me I was either pregnant, going to miscarry or that I was going to most likely grow an extra ear.

And now that I'm a mother of a sweet little one I have done searches for all things baby and he (oh, I haven't mentioned to y'all that goo.gle is a he? Well he is! ;)) would tell me that I'm either doing it all wrong, doing it sort of right or that she's going to most likely grow an extra ear.

Oh goo.gle.
I need to sever this so called friendship.

The thing is, when there was about two weeks left in Lent I realized that I had gotten out of control with my searches and I was second guessing everything I was doing as a mother...which resulted in a lot of unnecessary anxiety.

So, with those two weeks left in Lent, I gave up goo.gle.

And life was grand.
I didn't second guess myself and things actually went way smoother.

But now that Lent is over I've found that I'm back to searching here and there and once again, I've found myself second guessing stuff I shouldn't.

Ugh.

And that's why I've decided they I just need to break up with goo.gle, especially when it comes to little things.

The big things I can ask my doctor.
Or other moms that have been there.

But no more unnecessary anxiety caused by me using goo.gle.

No more being told I'm doing it wrong...
Or that I'm going to grow that extra ear! ;)




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To new blog or not to new blog part 2

I've enjoyed reading the comments about whether or not y'all think I should start a new blog  and to be honest with y'all, I still have no clue what I want to do!

Well, I guess if I'm going to be completely honest with y'all I should tell you that I did start a new blog and I have already posted on it a couple times.  BUUUT...I am not sure if I want to keep it.  I'm playing around with it to see if I'm comfortable with having a blog that is not so anonymous and has more pictures (of our faces...ahh!!). 

I do really wish I could just keep this one and slowly transition into being more open with pictures and whatnot, but I have that fear in the back of my head that someone IRL will stumble across my blog and re-read my posts and find one that I had written about their lack of sensitivity or how frustrated I was, etc and take it personally or judge.  I am definitely struggling with worrying about what others will think.  Since this blog is still somewhat anonymous, I do not fear so much what people think (but I would surely hate it if y'all thought poorly of me!!).

Goodness...I really feel as if I am rambling on.  Bottom line, I'm still unsure, so for now I will keep this one going and may continue to post on the other one and if and when I do decide to let people know about the other one, I'll let y'all know (via emails and whatnot).

And now...I'm off to shower since little Miss is napping.  My showers are my saving grace at times.  I must get a shower every single day or else I feel a bit frazzled.

A shower and some mascara actually.
Those two things are a must for this new mama.

I still can't believe...

...that this is my life.

Oh sweet one, you have no idea how a simple act, like reading to you, helps to heal my once-broken-IF-heart.

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19 weeks in the womb...7 weeks outside

It's amazing to see these pictures side by side.

September 2012 and March 2013:

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