Officially closing that chapter.

On Monday I had my 6 week postpartum follow up.

My dh was quite eager for us to be cleared to..how do I put this ever so eloquently...do it. Ha, to say he was counting down would probably be an understatement!

But for me, I hadn't thought too much about it except that I could distinctly remember being in the hospital the day after F was born and hearing the doctor tell me, "Don't forever to schedule your six week follow up...etc, etc...pelvic rest....etc, etc..."

6 weeks seemed like a lifetime away, especially since that last month of pregnancy seemed to last forever.

And yet, there I was, getting ready for my 6 week follow up.

What I wasn't prepared for was the emotional aspect of it.

On Monday, little one was napping and and so I left her with Dh and headed to my appointment.

When I pulled up my heart started racing and I felt a lump gather in my throat.

The last time I had pulled up here I was pregnant.

And now, here I was...all not pregnant...

The smell of the office and signing in and even the familiar face of the receptionist caused that lump to grow even larger.

All these things reminded me of that very thing I had prayed so hard for, that I hard worked so hard for...to be pregnant.

It felt so odd to be back in the place where we saw first saw her at 8 weeks.

Where we first heard her heart beat at 11 weeks.

The place where with each appointment brought anticipation of hearing/knowing she was doing well, all snuggled inside my belly.

It really brought me back to last June and all those emotions I felt when we found out we were actually pregnant!

Thankfully I was able to hold it together through my appointment (healing great, given the go ahead for everything, etc) but the moment I left and got in my car I lost it.

And that's when it hit me, that chapter, pregnancy, labor and delivery, with F, was forever closed.

Sure if God wills us to become pregnant again I'll be back there experiencing those same events, but I couldn't let go that that chapter with HER, our first, our precious miracle, the one who made me a mom and my dh a dad was done and closed.

We are now moving forward into the next chapters...

Parenthood.
Life with a baby.
Sleepless nights.
Being her mom...

And it may sound silly, especially because the joy I get from holding her, smelling her, kissing her is so great, but there's a part of me that misses that chapter.

Even though i miss that chapter at times, we are already moving forward and it's insane how quickly things are happening.

Needless to say, after leaving the office and running the errands I needed to get done, I couldn't wait to get home and hold my baby!!!

For the rest of the day I was all nostalgic and talked to my dh about how blessed we were and how things were going, more or less, amazing.

And then, I made the mistake of eating fresh jalapeños at dinner, my dh left for work and the night went not quite as I envisioned my night to be after my emotionally, nostalgic and beautiful day....

Lots of blowouts...poo on her...on me...on our sheets...tummy aches...tears from her...tears from me...and definitely no sleep from either of us.

...

And so it begins...this new, crazy, exciting, chapter!!!



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