Picture post

IF has been causing me so much anxiety and sadness lately and so, I decided I would do a picture post of some things that have brought me a little bit of joy in the middle of the hardships...

Christmas lights on our first home!


Decorating the tree and putting up ornaments like this one-my Gp carved and painted it for all the grandchildren one Christmas.


Putting our ornament from our first Christmas on the tree.


Putting up our little Christmas tree and decorating the mantle with garland, white lights and glittery decorations.


See...glittery decorations snuggled amongst the garland! :)


Getting to put out little Christmas trinkets, like this one my dear friend gave me last year!


Wreathes with big, red, sparkly bows on the front door!



I could keep going with the decorations I love, for example, my Willow Tree nativity is beautiful and the little tree I have by my sewing machine is fun, also...but I think y'all get the idea...

Tonight I'm feeling blah, but having a candle lit, movie going and my sweet husband home is helping me feel better! Any anxiety that's lingering in my heart and soul, I'm offering up for my prayer buddy, that tonight the Lord will hear the prayers on her heart!

"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."
 (Jean-Jacques Rousseau)

God likes us to laugh

Although in my last post I talked about how hard this Thanksgiving was, I had to share what happened towards the end of the day, so I'll backtrack a bit...

I had been in charge of making the apple pie and cranberry relish. For fun, I decided to make PW's Hard sauce (lots of butter, powdered sugar and some whiskey!!) because 1) it looked awesome and 2) I could bc I wasn't pregnant. It was as amazing as she said it would be, and on a warm pie....bliss!

I talked it up to my family and they all anticipated it.

My 20 year old, crazy cousin tried a sneak peek and loved it.

My brother said he would totally love it as pudding! ;)

Basically, it's awesome.

Well...fast forward many hours later, after dinner, after the first round of desserts and another round of food...

I go and put a large dollop on some pecan pie (I was too full to eat dessert earlier) and before I go to town, this happens:

My younger cousin: "I really thought it would have been sweet."

Me: "What?"

Her: "That grown-up sauce you made!" (she's only 15)

Then I dip my finger in the sauce and gag...

It was NOT the sauce I had made!!! Apparently someone had put the left over CREAM OF CHICKEN soup out instead of my sauce since they looked similar and were in similar containers.

The catcher is:
Gm, an aunt, an uncle and my cousin (who LOADED his pie up) all put some on their pies earlier. My Gm and cousin were sitting in front of me at the table and ATE.ALL.OF.THEIRS!!! because I was sitting there and they didn't want to hurt my feelings. My aunt and uncle ate a couple bites and quietly dumped it out.

They all thought that was the sauce I made and so as to not hurt my feelings, they said nothing!!!

Gross....cream of chicken soup does NOT go on pies!!

So, even though it was a tough thanksgiving for me, it ended with a pretty good laugh and a reminder that my family loves me and does not try and hurt my feelings, although I wish they would still think before making certain jokes: ie, puppy bag instead of diaper bag.

I'm sure God was tired of my tears of pain and decided that tears of laughter were needed because my family and I were basically all in tears from laughing so hard.

Now we'll always talk about the thanksgiving we ate pie with a dollop of cream of mushroom (mmm chicken chunks) soup.

"The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together." (Erma Bombeck)

Falling is scary

We had both sides of the family over for Thanksgiving. We also had some of our good friends. I was uneasy because for some reason, this Thanksgiving the cross of IF seemed to be weighing down on me harder than ever before. Maybe also, because my younger SIL was pregnant and this was the first time the whole family would be together since the big announcement just weeks after they married.

I hated myself for even feeling bummed because I had so much to be thankful for, so I tried my best to suck it up and not let it get the best of me.

A couple of the family members were standing around "OOOing and Awwing" over the cute baby bump that my SIL wore. I stood in silence. I stood in pain, desiring that so badly.

One family member asked if we would have kids any time soon and I began to describe that we were trying but that we hadn't be able to. I explained that we had been trying, pretty much since we first got married in June '07.

I was even more hurt by the responses I heard from our families:

"Just relax."
"That's a non-issue...don't let that bring you down."
"Cancer is a reason to feel down...not NOT having a baby."

And the comments kept coming. I was overwhelmed and completely broken. I told my DH that we should step outside to get air because I was about to break down.

We went outside but there was no getting away from people because we had such a large family and too many friends around.

We walked over to a little cliff to look over and I began crying and screaming to my husband that I wished that people would understand that my pain is real.

I thought it was odd that when I looked over, my DH was smoking. He hadn't smoked a cigarette in years (his last deployment to Iraq right before we were married).

Then it happened.

I tripped.

I grabbed his arm and we fell.

The cliff was a far way down and we were falling...

I closed my eyes and begged for God to save us.

I then began to imagine a way we could fall and land without our bones being crushed.

Maybe if we land on our sides...or our back...or maybe just our legs...

No, we were doomed.

I opened my eyes and looked at my DH. He had that dern cigarette in one hand and my hand in his other hand. He looked so calm. He trusted. You could see what he was feeling..."what was happening was ALREADY happening and there was nothing we could do but just go with it."

Then I woke up.

Yeah, obviously this did not happen to me but it did in my dream two nights ago. I woke up in tears, my body was shaking and my heart was racing so badly.

It felt SO real and even typing it makes me shake.

IF it taking over my dreams. The place where I usually dream about having kids or being rich or flying high in the sky...a place of no worries.

But not the other night. This dream literally scared me awake. Later that day I goo.gled "dreams" because I was curious if it meant anything.

Then I read this:
"As a symbol, falling highlights a loss of emotional equilibrium or self-control. You may fear "letting go" in real life. Anxiety usually accompanies this dream. It may represent your insecurity, a lack of self-confidence, a fear of failure or an inability to cope with a situation. "

This is exactly how I have been feeling lately. Grr IF, do NOT take over my dreams! I love dreaming...I usually have very vivid dreams that are HAPPY, not like falling. Actually the only other time I had a dream where I woke up because I was so scared was when I was in elementary school and a shark almost bit my Gm...so yeah, it's been quite awhile...

Honestly, I think it was because I was so nervous because this was the first holiday that I was really feeling the heaviness of the IF cross:
1st holidays married: hopeful but not sad.
2nd: A little worried but still full of hope.
3rd: My Gp's death had just occurred and all we could do was try and "get through" the holidays.
4th: This year...emotionally I couldn't do it.

I actually took a couple "bathroom breaks" where I would let myself cry because I was hurting. I had to. I wasn't about to cry in front of my crazy, fun-filled family!

You see, when I got to my GM's on Wed, I had the puppy in tow for my cousins to play with him. The first thing my aunt said was, "Oh, you are a puppy person...you don't have a baby bag but rather a puppy bag!"

NOT what I wanted to hear.

They know we are struggling but don't understand how badly it hurts.

I laughed it off and carried on.

Then on Thanksgiving during our prayer, my Gm mentioned that we had made it a year since GP passed and that we had a lot to be thankful for...especially this new baby that my SIL was carrying. Then my other aunt says, "yeah...FINALLY a new generation...yay!"

I know that people don't mean to hurt me but I wish that people would be more sensitive. I of course will not say anything because I know that don't mean anything by it but like I said, I wish they would TRY and be sensitive.

All in all Thanksgiving was good, although I know i've only talked about the difficulty I was struggling with WITHIN...I have a lot to be grateful for and I know that.

So, instead of ending on a bummer note, I am going to list what I am grateful for:
-My faith and Lord. Without Him, I know I wouldn't be able to survive the hardships.
-My DH. His constant love and support amaze me everyday. My dream portrayed it perfectly...me freaking out and him trusting and going with the flow. I wish I could be more like him.
-My family. Even though there are certain remarks said, I know that they love me and would do anything for me. Their support is amazing also.
-My friends.
-My health.
-My husband's job because of it we have our home and a full fridge.
And the list goes on...

I hope that everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I hope that if you were hurting because your arms were empty, dreaming you had a little one to fill it, that you still remembered to stop and think about the blessings.

Because they are everywhere and if we focus too hard on our crosses, we miss seeing them.

“When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength”

Vib.rators, hot flashes, jalepeno jelly, Christmas gift challenge '10, OH MY!

-My Christmas gift challenge this year is to MAKE everything! I had already planned on it for some friends, but then I got to searching for some ideas and think I can make something for everyone on my list! And thanks to GIMH, I have another fun project I'm going to make! My only concern is for the dudes in my life, ie:husband, brothers, FIL, etc... do y'all have any ideas?!? I have a couple but nothing solid.

-Look at this:

Jalepeno jelly. AMAZING. My MIL bought me some at a craft fair because she knows how much I love it! I'm going to search around for a recipe and if I can get it just right that would be awesome!!

-How can this little pill give me the craziest hot flashes ever?!

I seriously get the worst hot flashes ever on Clomid...I wish it meant it was working, but unfortunately I had them last time and my ovaries weren't effected! But...still hopeful that it will respond this time because of my surgery!

-Lastly, and probably the word, from the title, that drew y'all into even reading this post....about this vibr.ator! Last night my husband and I got back from a looooong day of traveling for our nieces baptism. Well, to say I was tired was an understatement because after I crawled into bed, I rolled over and asked my husband if he had "turned on his vibr.ator?" He shot me a crazy look, I realized what I had asked and we burst into laughter!! What I MEANT to say was if he had "turned his PHONE on vibrate?" NOT what I had originally said.

So folks, we do NOT own one of those things, but the story was too funny not to share!!! :)

Happy Monday, y'all!!

“A laugh is a smile that bursts.”(Mary H. Waldrip)

I gotta question...

...because goo.gle is NOT helping me!

I'm on CD4 and my period is VL...it's so short and I'm worried it means something is not working right!!

So, do any of y'all know what it means to have a short period?

I've had these short periods, this time and the last two times since surgery, which I'm a little unsure of but a plus is that A)I'm having them on my own and B)ever since the surgery I have had no brown spotting/bleeding which was an every month occurrence during my pre-surgery cycles.

Like I said, I tried to goo.gle about this but found nothing...well, one site said I'm pregnant and one said I'm a princess of a foreign land, so that's no help.

Ok, not really on the princess part but yes on the pregnant part.

Ha! You can pretty much find whatever you want to hear on goo.gle and then some!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Also, please take a moment to remember those that were injured and the 12 Aggies (and their family and friends) that lost their life in bonfire on this day in 1999. (Aggie bonfire)

"There's a spirit can ne'er be told...it's the spirit of Aggieland."

CD1

And I am thankful that it came without me having to take medication (I'm making lemonade out of those dern lemons).

And I'm listening to Christmas and don't even care that it's not even Thanksgiving.

The song, "a baby changes everything" is on right now...I love this song.

*Sniffle.

I start Clomid in T-minus 4 days. Here's hoping my body likes it more this time than the last time.

When I called to report CD1 and get my prescription for clomid, they got me mixed up with someone else because they started asking about my vag.inal dryness and the bleeding during inter.course....eek...SO glad that's not me!

Sorry I'm all over the place..my mind is struggling between being thankful that my period started on it's on and being bitter that it started and I am not pregnant....but to be honest, I'm leaning more towards the thankful part.

Thank you Jesus for all the blessings of this day.

I've said it once and I'll say it again...

When I'm stressed I like to craft!

And since last week was up there in the stress meter, I crafted quite a bit! This post will mostly be pictures of my crafts, but before that, I wanted to give an update on my cycle:

-CD31.
-slight cramping and boobs are slooooowly starting to hurt.
-hot flashes! I think my body is already anticipating taking the clomid since last time I had the worst hot flashes ever.
-longest cycle ever...I've been averaging 26-28 days.
-I took a hpt...dumb me. My thought, "it's CD31...I haven't had one this long in forever AND although they said I didn't ovulate...God works miracles, right?!" BFN. Who else does this?
-I start back on my metformin tomorrow and then hopefully my period starts and then clomid!

Now...on to what I've been up to during my high stress days:

My wreath I made out of about a gazillion coffee filters! The accessories are removable, so come Christmas, I'm going to add Christmas themed stuff!!






Matching tie shirts for my new little godson and his big brother!






And this is not a craft, but made me laugh! I found this left in my cart at Walmart!!

Well, I'm off to enjoy the rest of this lazy Sunday with some yummy fall candles lit, a cozy blanket, a good movie, my husband and a glass of wine...

"Everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn."(Elizabeth Lawrence)

6.8

Yup, that's my CD22 progesterone level this cycle. Meaning?

No ovulation.

Whoopty freakin' doooo.

So glad I had the surgery and am still where I was before. No, not really. It made me so mad to hear this.

Ok, all bitterness aside...really I was hurting. I got the call in the midst of dealing with a few other crummy life stresses. I felt like I was living the whole, "when it rains it pours" saying to a tee.

My plate is def full now and yesterday was my breaking point.

I.lost.it.

Tears flowed like there was no tomorrow. I couldn't blow my nose fast enough to keep the snot from dripping down my face. My eyes were puffy. My body hot from crying so hard.

Real grown up and sexy huh?

I had a grown up tantrum full of, "why does God hate me and want to punish me so?" to "don't even say you understand what I feel right now!!"-to my husband.

I was angry. Dealing with IF on top of 3 other stressful issues, well...I couldn't take another piece of bad news.

Well, then my cute, adorable stinky puppy ate my flowers that my Gm gave me.

You see, the world was indeed against me.

I'm not proud of how I handled my little grown up tantrum. Not proud at all. The fact that my husband stood by my side throughout it all, well all I can say is that he is my greatest blessing.

I apologized for my poor reaction and of course, he was his sweet, supportive self and said that it was, ok and that he was there no matter what.

How I got him, God only knows.

But really, yesterday was crummy and today I woke up and said a little prayer that God would help me have strength, courage and confidence to handle the hardships that are inevitable with life.

Without the tough times how could you truly, TRULY, appreciate the beautiful times?

Also, today I'm also reminding myself that moments like yesterday usually occur when I'm not praying enough and trying to handle it all on my own. I def need to pray more. I lose sight of what's really important when I put prayer on the back burner. Why is it so easy to do? Especially when you realize just how much you need prayer to make it in this crazy world, you would think this wouldn't happen as much as it does.

But it does.

So, today I resolve to work harder on my prayer life.

And lastly, I could not have stumbled across this quote at a more perfect time:

"Lack of prayer is the cause for lack of time.(Peter Kreeft)

Priorities people, priorities.

Fun new idea **updated with my Friday Five

I saw this ides somewhere and when I found out that chalkboard paint wasn't expensive...well I jumped all on that!!

I also painted a closet door in our office/craft room but didn't take a picture! I'll post more later, just wanted to show y'all this!

And Megan , I'll do my "Friday Five" post later! :)

*** My Friday Five:
In honor of it being Friday, here are my Friday Five!

1. What is on your night stand?
A bottle of water (I'm weird about this, if I don't have one then I can't really sleep!), my lamp, rosary, progesterone pills, candle, small statue of the Blessed Mother and a few more little things.

2. Do you still own your High School senior yearbook? Where is it?
Yes! It's packed away at my Gm's along with old mums (who else did that for homecoming?!), sports jacket and other misc items from HS and earlier.

3. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?
Not a big breakfast person...but right now the thought of waffles sounds pretty awesome! ;)

4. In what ways does your cup runneth over?
My husband and his support that never ends...it seriously takes my breath away when I think of this. Also my family, in-laws included, are such a blessing.

5. Which of your funny stories have you probably told the greatest number of times?
Hmm...I tend to talk a lot and it seems that I tell, and retell a lot of funny stories that have happened to me. Too vague? Oh well...it's getting late! ;)

And that's that! I'm glad I participated in the "Friday Five"...thanks Megan for tagging me!!

"Goodnight moon..."

Bloggpress!

So, Jenny rocks and recommended that I use an app called bloggpress and at first I wasn't sure if it would work with blogspot but I decided to get it and try...so far so good!!!! And it makes using color quite simple!!!

Tomorrow I'm cleaning and will hopefully be able to take a few pictures of our new house to show everyone.

Today:

Today was a blah day. Maybe I'm anticipating tomorrow's blood work, maybe it was just one of those days. I need to let go and trust.

Why is letting go so hard?

Why do I hold onto things and let them eat at my very core?

It's definitely not because I think that I can handle it better on my own.

That would be crazy! And I do not want to be crazy.

So, on this chilly Texas night, with sugar cookies baking in the oven, a sleepy pup at my feet, and some good music playing in the background....

I offer up this anxiety to you Lord.

"Enjoy this moment, for this moment is your life."

Picture posting question

Does anyone know how to upload pictures you have taken on your iPhone, to your post, directly?

Until we get our computer fixed we will not have Internet so everything is done on the nifty phone! Thankful that our phones have Internet but it's still a pain to upload posts/pictures!

If you have any idea, let me know..please! This way I could show pictures of our new house sooner than later, amongst other things as well!

Thanks in advanced!!

Picture posting question

Short and sweet...

No, I'm not talking about me! ;) I'm 5 foot 7 inches so not really short but I guess sometimes I'm sweet! Like the day after Halloween, when even though I'm too old for trick or treating and don't have my own little miracles to take out, I still manage to eat 5 pounds of sweets!

Hey, calories don't count on Halloween right?!

No, I mean this post will be short and sweet...actually, it was my fb status from earlier but I thought I'd share:

The new Taylor Swift cd makes paying bills not quite so bad! "wasn't it easier in your fire-fly catching days?"