Yup...that was what my progesterone was.
I told the nurse that made me sad because, it was less than last months and this month I had taken more clomid and had gotten the booster shot.
She said that it's just a waiting game and that I shouldn't give up on this month just yet because she has seen women get pregnant with that and even lower.
But those levels are pretty low and so my hope for this month is dwindling...
I am an emotional person.
I am pretty sensitive, also.
So this may not be so shocking to hear.
Yesterday I sort of woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Who am I kidding...I was turned around upside down and pretty much not on the comfy bed at all.
I was in a Funk.
A Funk with a capital F.
I got into a little argument with my dh about how miserable I was that he worked nights and how it was lonely spending holiday night without him.
Then I apologized for being sensitive because I knew if he could be there with me...he would.
While he was in the shower, I was looking on his phone for a picture his buddy sent and I saw something else:
His good buddy from work had texted him that he and his wife were pregnant.
I cried.
A lot.
This was the same couple who after we got our puppy, the wife told me, "puppies are good practice for if you want kids. This will be good for y'all to see if y'all can handle kids." And also, the same wife that, at their Halloween party, informed me that they were going to start trying soon so she started drinking lots of water and taking prenatal vitamins.
Dang...is that what we've been doing wrong these past three years...not enough water?!?
Sorry for the sarcasm, it was just a lot to take in.
So, after I composed myself and i prayed even harder for strength. And I prayed the Funk would go away.
Later, we got ready to head over to my brother and SIL's house for a NYE dinner and get together. I was super bummed that my dh wouldn't be able to stay for too long, but grateful that he was able to have dinner.
Right when we got there another couple was showing up also and after we got inside, she puts a puzzle on the table and says for us all to put it together.
I knew instantly what was about to happen.
I pulled my dh aside and told them they were going to announce that they were pregnant.
He told me not to read into too much.
But, you see...an IF girl has a great "a couple who hasn't been trying to get pregnant but did get pregnant and is now going to announce that they are pregnant" radar.
And of course that's what the puzzle said.
Shortly after, I excused myself to take a [pretend] phone call.
I had to get away and breathe and beg that God would give me strength not to cry or be hurt.
My dh came to check on me and as I turned I hit my head on the chandelier.
He smiled because Im sure I looked like a fool-talking to a pretend person on my phone and then hitting my head on the chandelier that I knew was there.
And.I.lost.it.
I stormed outside in tears because that's what any sane women would do.
And I cried.
I was failing miserably.
My dh came outside to comfort me. We discussed that it was indeed hard to sit back and watch as another couple announces they are pregnant.
I then cried because I was crying.
Crying because I felt like God was punishing us because I handled things so poorly.
My dh then informed me that because I prayed for strength, that most likely God was putting me in situations where I could learn to be strong.
Then I cried more because I was failing.
He told me I was stronger than I thought and that I needed to continue to pray for that strength.
So I wiped my tears and headed back in.
My SIL whispered, "I love you I love you I love you." She understood why I needed to excuse myself.
Then we all sat around the table and listened to the happy discuss how the baby was already making her nauseous. And with the pretty puzzle announcing their news as the center piece...
I had a moment to redeem myself for my epic fail:
Later in the night I ended up sitting right next to the happy preggo and this was our conversation:
HP (happy preggo): "so I hope your SIL wasn't upset that we said we're pregnant. I know they want to be pregnant and they're not." (she obviously had no idea about me and my dh's struggle but I thought maybe she was trying to be sensitive because my brother and SIL had been trying for almost a year now.)
Me:"I'm pretty sure she's ok and is happy for you guys."
HP:"Good because I don't understand why some people who struggle to get pregnant can be so sensitive when others, like us who don't have to try, do!"
Me: Awkward silence because I'm SHOCKED.
This conversation carries on with many more awkward statements and all I could do was sit in silence because i was fairly certain, if I spoke I would have said something I would regret.
Right then I realized that I was having another moment where I could learn to use that strength that I prayed so hard for.
And I was strong and I offered it up.
The rest of the night was great-aside from not getting to kiss my better half at midnight.
2011....I pray that our miracle will come and that our faith, hope and love continue to grow...
"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."
We've been so busy with Christmas fun-family in town, lots of food and plenty of laughter. I haven't blogged since my bummer of a post last week and things have changed since then...
My follicle check number two happened on Monday. And to be honest, I had already checked out this cycle. I had planned NOT to go in and have the same thing happen again and be disappointed. Emotionally I couldn't take it. Spiritually I was overwhelmed.
That's right...so I decided to not go.
Well, then Monday morning came and I shot up-wide awake and feeling that I would be more disappointed for not going than whatever they would (or wouldn't) see.
So I went.
And boy was I SHOCKED.
They found a good, mature follicle...23mm!!!
I wasn't expecting anything. I prayed my rosary on the way there and asked for strength.
Little did I know that my dinky little ovaries would actually be doing their job!
In aaaaaall the months pre-surgery that I had gone in for a follicle check, I never saw anything worth writing home about! Well, except for a year ago...they found one that was decent and I got the shot but, that was when I was on waaay more meds/shots.
This time I was only on clomid and metformin.
So I got the shot and walked to my car, jaw still dropped open in shock, goosebumps up and down my arms, heart racing, bum hurting (from the shot), smiling like a fool...
I called my dh and he was so excited and just as shocked. We're just not quite use to hearing good news in regards to fertility.
So there is hope this cycle.
Oh me oh my.
Hope.
I cling to that because at times, it's all I got. I've actually been told that I have too much hope.
Too much hope?
Is that possible?
According to a couple people I've talked too-yes it is possible. Apparently, I should be more realistic and that way I don't get so hurt or burned.
But you know what? I don't care! I'll take my excessive amount of hope and go with it.
Will I get burned and crash hard when things don't quite go as expected?
Yes.
But...boy oh boy do those shining moments of good news bring pure and utter JOY to my heart.
So I'll take the hope!
Screw being "realistic!" ;)
Ok, I have so much more I want to catch up on, but I'm running out of time so I'll have to post about Christmas later.
But before I go, I wanted to announce who I was praying for!!
GOD ALONE SUFFICES!! :) I was beyond honor to get to pray for her and offer the good and not so good times for her and her husband!! And I sent an email to let her know so hopefully she got it! I'm working on a little something to send her but it's a surprise so enough talk about that! ;)
Also, a HUGE thanks to my prayer buddy, Sunshine at 'Time won't give me time'! Your prayers have brought me SO much comfort and so much (more) hope! THANK YOU!!!!
And lastly, don't forget to offer up a prayer or two for Mary-she's having surgery today.
I hope that everyone is doing well...I'm looking foward to catching up on blogs and staying up to date with commenting and posting.
Merry Christmas! :)
"Hope- choose to see through optimistic eyes"
I'm trying really hard not too feel down or overwhelmed or sad...
But, I'm failing miserably.
Today I went in for my CD12 follicle check full of hope. I just knew there would be some follicles that were mature and I just knew it wouldn't be like the last million times I left a sonogram with NO follicles big enough for ovulation.
And I was wrong.
10 mm was the biggest one they could find. It took literally everything in me not to break down right then and there.
Because this was my first time with THIS nurse and I wasn't going to look like a pathetic, blubbering fool, even though I already felt like one...trousers down...little, not cooperative follicles plastered all over the computer screen...hands shaking...heart racing...
My ovaries need to step it up.
Please?
I want to be able to leave a sonogram appointment with tears of JOY...
Not tears of pain and defeat.
I'll go back Monday, CD16 for another check. I'm still hoping and I'm still praying that my ovaries will kick it in to high gear so as to reaffirm all this hope I [still] feel.
I hate this post being such a downer, but my DH worked last night and so he's sleeping and I needed to vent.
The venting will help me offer it back up and move on until Monday, when I'm back at it again.
"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."
That's right! I'm so excited because plans were just finalized this week for Jan 15-25!!
My SIL, BIL and two nephews are driving from MD this week and spending Christmas here in TX. But then my BIL has to leave early-he's Marine-to get back to work. SOO my MIL and I are driving back with my SIL and two nephews (5&2.5) on the 15th.
The great part is that 1)I've never been there before and 2) we are going to attend the March for Life in DC on the 24th! I've never been to the March for Life before and I hear it's a pretty amazing experience to be with so many others who are fighting the good fight to end abortion.
It'll also be neat because my SIL said that the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception (whew-that's a doozy to type out...wait, who am I kidding, I copied and pasted! ;)) is beautiful and we will definitely take a trip there also. She's so sweet and has lit many candles for my dh and I and our intentions, especially in regards to our fertility.
Actually, right before the trip I will have either gotten my first ever BFP (a girl can hope) or a visit from AF. I was trying really hard NOT to think about the "ooo...I could be pregnant and attending the shrine and the march for life" but obviously I failed miserably and the thoughts are there.
I'm still hoping with every ounce of my being that this is our month. That this month the clomid is at just the right dosage and we will conceive! The hope is merited though, after my body responding so well last month when prior to surgery it had not-well, hope is there and it's stronger than it's been in months and I fully embrace it!
Ok, for those of you who have time to kill or just want to have a good laugh, you HAVE to check out this Website! It's about all the ways the I.phone autocorrects...
"Hope is putting faith to work when doubting would be easier."
Here's part of our Christmas card this year:
