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Saturday, January 1, 2011

NYE: epic emotional fail!

I am an emotional person.
I am pretty sensitive, also.
So this may not be so shocking to hear.

Yesterday I sort of woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Who am I kidding...I was turned around upside down and pretty much not on the comfy bed at all.

I was in a Funk.
A Funk with a capital F.

I got into a little argument with my dh about how miserable I was that he worked nights and how it was lonely spending holiday night without him.

Then I apologized for being sensitive because I knew if he could be there with me...he would.

While he was in the shower, I was looking on his phone for a picture his buddy sent and I saw something else:

His good buddy from work had texted him that he and his wife were pregnant.

I cried.

A lot.

This was the same couple who after we got our puppy, the wife told me, "puppies are good practice for if you want kids. This will be good for y'all to see if y'all can handle kids." And also, the same wife that, at their Halloween party, informed me that they were going to start trying soon so she started drinking lots of water and taking prenatal vitamins.

Dang...is that what we've been doing wrong these past three years...not enough water?!?

Sorry for the sarcasm, it was just a lot to take in.

So, after I composed myself and i prayed even harder for strength. And I prayed the Funk would go away.

Later, we got ready to head over to my brother and SIL's house for a NYE dinner and get together. I was super bummed that my dh wouldn't be able to stay for too long, but grateful that he was able to have dinner.

Right when we got there another couple was showing up also and after we got inside, she puts a puzzle on the table and says for us all to put it together.

I knew instantly what was about to happen.

I pulled my dh aside and told them they were going to announce that they were pregnant.

He told me not to read into too much.

But, you see...an IF girl has a great "a couple who hasn't been trying to get pregnant but did get pregnant and is now going to announce that they are pregnant" radar.

And of course that's what the puzzle said.

Shortly after, I excused myself to take a [pretend] phone call.

I had to get away and breathe and beg that God would give me strength not to cry or be hurt.

My dh came to check on me and as I turned I hit my head on the chandelier.

He smiled because Im sure I looked like a fool-talking to a pretend person on my phone and then hitting my head on the chandelier that I knew was there.

And.I.lost.it.

I stormed outside in tears because that's what any sane women would do.

And I cried.

I was failing miserably.

My dh came outside to comfort me. We discussed that it was indeed hard to sit back and watch as another couple announces they are pregnant.

I then cried because I was crying.

Crying because I felt like God was punishing us because I handled things so poorly.

My dh then informed me that because I prayed for strength, that most likely God was putting me in situations where I could learn to be strong.

Then I cried more because I was failing.

He told me I was stronger than I thought and that I needed to continue to pray for that strength.

So I wiped my tears and headed back in.

My SIL whispered, "I love you I love you I love you." She understood why I needed to excuse myself.

Then we all sat around the table and listened to the happy discuss how the baby was already making her nauseous. And with the pretty puzzle announcing their news as the center piece...

I had a moment to redeem myself for my epic fail:

Later in the night I ended up sitting right next to the happy preggo and this was our conversation:

HP (happy preggo): "so I hope your SIL wasn't upset that we said we're pregnant. I know they want to be pregnant and they're not." (she obviously had no idea about me and my dh's struggle but I thought maybe she was trying to be sensitive because my brother and SIL had been trying for almost a year now.)

Me:"I'm pretty sure she's ok and is happy for you guys."

HP:"Good because I don't understand why some people who struggle to get pregnant can be so sensitive when others, like us who don't have to try, do!"

Me: Awkward silence because I'm SHOCKED.

This conversation carries on with many more awkward statements and all I could do was sit in silence because i was fairly certain, if I spoke I would have said something I would regret.

Right then I realized that I was having another moment where I could learn to use that strength that I prayed so hard for.

And I was strong and I offered it up.

The rest of the night was great-aside from not getting to kiss my better half at midnight.

2011....I pray that our miracle will come and that our faith, hope and love continue to grow...

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."

23 comments:

Perfect Power in Weakness said...

Oh my gosh. I don't know why people can be so insensitive without even realizing it. I'm so sorry you had such a terrible evening. What an incredible amount of courage you had though to walk back inside and spend the rest of the night with them. And what an amazing amount of self-discipline and inner strength you had to keep your mouth shut because you knew of the evil words that might come out. Those are amazing traits that will bless your child/children when you are a mother. Hugs to you.

JellyBelly said...

Oh Sweetie, I wish I could give you a big hug!!!

Last night at my fertile bf's house we were the only ones without kids AND we found out that my bf's cousin's partner (read: a same sex couple who already have two crazy kids) are pg for the third time. These TWO WOMEN are having their third and I can't have one with my husband. Let's just say there was wine and lots of hockey for me since there was too much pg talk.

Come on 2011 bring us our babies!!!!

The IF Cross said...

I have the same radar :) I didn't have a good NYE either. We got together with our neighbors. One couple is expecting their first and while the ladies talked about pg stuff in the kitchen, I sat in the living room and pretended to watch football with the guys...but I listened to every stinken word they said and I just wanted to bawl. I can not even bring myself to tell her congratulations and I know I need to work on that, I'm not being a very nice person to her. But I just feel like I'm guarding myself incase she asks when DH and I want to have kids. I too need to keep praying for strength.

Jen said...

Thank you for sharing! What beautiful grace you exhibited last night. Truly inspirational.

matchingmoonheads said...

"Crying because I felt like God was punishing us because I handled things so poorly."

Ack, I totally get that feeling too. Its so hard having a cross that no one understands and that there is no acceptable outlet for your pain because "it isn't really that bad" and you should just be thankful.

I was just happy my period came yesterday and not today so that I didn't spend my new years eve hoping I was pregnant!

Mrs. Henderson said...

I am so sorry! I know that those comments are exactly what break your heart over and over.
I am praying that 2011 is filled with more blessings (and babies!) then you ever could have dreamed of!

Awaiting a Child of God:) said...

Awe, hugs. I am really impressed with your strength. I can imagine being in your same situation that night yet not being able to hold it together and walk back in.

I, too, am in the same situation. I am so grateful that 2010 is behind me and am just HOPING for a pregnancy in 2011. Amen to what JellyBelly said.

Thank you for your strength...it reminds me to continue to work on my own:)

Megan said...

Ugh. Sounds awful. :( I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I think you were very strong, and I pray that more women gain an appreciation for the pain of infertility.
You are in my prayers! And I pray that 2011 is your year!

Ann - Building a Nest said...

I would not call that a fail at all. You dealt with the "comment" far better than I would have. A few tears are to be expected, but when you handle a situation with such grace . . . well, nothing about that is a failure.

May 2011 surprise and may God bless you a million times over.

Sarah said...

I am so sorry you had to go through this. :( I am amazed at your strength during that conversation... you are hardly a failure. People can be so horribly insensitive. I am thankful you and other bloggers do write about this though as it at least has helped me think more carefully before I speak, especially in social situations. I pray your miracle comes in 2011!!

Bobbi said...

I just came across your blog and I couldn't help but leave a comment. I truly felt your pain. Hearing those announcements are sooooooo hard. Every time I talk to some friends who I know are trying to conceive, I get so nervous and brace myself for the news to come. So many friends have announced pregnancies and had babies since I've started TTC, so I know your pain. I love that quote you posted at the end of your post. You are courageous and strong and I pray 2011 is a blessed year for you. :)

~Bobbi

airing the chapel said...

Girlfriend, I've been there. Almost the exact same friggin' situation. Hang in there; it has to get better. :)

Faith makes things possible said...

It's encouraging to hear some of yalls stories because there are times I feel like I attract allt 1)the "not trying to get pregnant but did" ladies and 2)the super insensitive conversationist...so hearing that y'all have been in the same boat (and wanting to scream and run away) helps me feel not so alone. However, I wish more than anything that none of us had any idea just how miserable it feels.

Just know I'm praying for each and every one of you guys...lets hope that we all get our miracles this year...please, God, please!

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

I agree with Ann: That was not a fail, that was a triumph of virtue on your part!!! Hugs!!

Julie said...

Your cross is the way to salvation!

I have actually heard those comments before and you responded with grace! I can't say the same thing for myself.

I was blindsided a few weeks ago with a preggo announcement and I am still frusterated. This person is very close to me and is pregnant with their second. She said she had to tell me early because she just can't hide how horrible her preg symptoms are (sick and tired)...meaning that she wants to be able to complain about them to me! Also, she complained about it taking 3 MONTHS to get pregnant and now she has to deal with having an August Baby, and that is so aweful because she will be pregnant ALL SUMMER. Her words, not mine!

Seriously...what the heck do these fertile people think?

3 MONTHS???????????

PREGNANT IN THE SUMMER????????


What about 10 years and counting???

What about NEVER PREGNANT??????

mrsblondies said...

Wow, what a night. I agree with Leila and Ann that you handled that with a lot of grace. I hope 2011 improves! Hugs!

Alena said...

Wow...

New reader, here, just wanted to give you *hugs* and say that I am incredibly impressed that you didn't give her a piece of your mind! What a difficult evening...

Prayers for you and your hubby this year *hugs*

A Martha trying to be Mary said...

Everything you felt and did is perfectly understandable.

I agree with others here that I think you handled it much better than you realize. Its such a hard thing to do and people just realize how hard it is.

Suzie-Q T-Pie said...

I'm glad your dh was there to comfort you the way he did, and sounds like you were strong at the end with that rediculous girl! I hate when people announce their pregnancy's in these super cheesy ways, ( but secretly I probably will do something cheesy if I ever get pg)
I hope 2011 is a good one for you, and keep praying for strength! God is good and will bring you out of the darkness. ~hugs~

surpriseofunfolding said...

Un - be - lievable. I cannot grasp that whole chain of events, followed by the comment that IF people are insensitive to the ridiculously fertile. (of course I wouldn't mind being ridiculously fertile myself, but you know).

Ithink you got through it amazingly well (far better than me, I'd have left!)

I hope 2011 will bring you your miracle.

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate. The mother in law complained to us ... Out loud at Christmas in fromt of the whole family ... saying how she is tired of waiting to be a Grandma and she will be "too old" to enjoy her grandkids. ARGHHH!!!! Hello!?! Does she think *I* want to not have kids? She knows we are trying. She even went to the hospital for my laparotomy surgery. I just don't know why people that aren't infertile don't get it. BTW ... She was one of the fertile-myrtle types who "had" to have her tubes tied b/c every time the hubby looked at her, she got PG. Sooooooo frustrating! I'm right there with ya - you handled it well ... Good job!!!!
- Amanda

Faith makes things possible said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Faith makes things possible said...

Amanda-how awful! I literally was cringing as I read whst happened! I don't get it either...I guess all we can do is to pray for strength to handle moments like yours-and mine-gracefully! Although....it's so...very, very, veryX1million hard!! Praying for you!!