I am an emotional person.
I am pretty sensitive, also.
So this may not be so shocking to hear.
Yesterday I sort of woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Who am I kidding...I was turned around upside down and pretty much not on the comfy bed at all.
I was in a Funk.
A Funk with a capital F.
I got into a little argument with my dh about how miserable I was that he worked nights and how it was lonely spending holiday night without him.
Then I apologized for being sensitive because I knew if he could be there with me...he would.
While he was in the shower, I was looking on his phone for a picture his buddy sent and I saw something else:
His good buddy from work had texted him that he and his wife were pregnant.
This was the same couple who after we got our puppy, the wife told me, "puppies are good practice for if you want kids. This will be good for y'all to see if y'all can handle kids." And also, the same wife that, at their Halloween party, informed me that they were going to start trying soon so she started drinking lots of water and taking prenatal vitamins.
Dang...is that what we've been doing wrong these past three years...not enough water?!?
Sorry for the sarcasm, it was just a lot to take in.
So, after I composed myself and i prayed even harder for strength. And I prayed the Funk would go away.
Later, we got ready to head over to my brother and SIL's house for a NYE dinner and get together. I was super bummed that my dh wouldn't be able to stay for too long, but grateful that he was able to have dinner.
Right when we got there another couple was showing up also and after we got inside, she puts a puzzle on the table and says for us all to put it together.
I knew instantly what was about to happen.
I pulled my dh aside and told them they were going to announce that they were pregnant.
He told me not to read into too much.
But, you see...an IF girl has a great "a couple who hasn't been trying to get pregnant but did get pregnant and is now going to announce that they are pregnant" radar.
And of course that's what the puzzle said.
Shortly after, I excused myself to take a [pretend] phone call.
I had to get away and breathe and beg that God would give me strength not to cry or be hurt.
My dh came to check on me and as I turned I hit my head on the chandelier.
He smiled because Im sure I looked like a fool-talking to a pretend person on my phone and then hitting my head on the chandelier that I knew was there.
I stormed outside in tears because that's what any sane women would do.
And I cried.
I was failing miserably.
My dh came outside to comfort me. We discussed that it was indeed hard to sit back and watch as another couple announces they are pregnant.
I then cried because I was crying.
Crying because I felt like God was punishing us because I handled things so poorly.
My dh then informed me that because I prayed for strength, that most likely God was putting me in situations where I could learn to be strong.
Then I cried more because I was failing.
He told me I was stronger than I thought and that I needed to continue to pray for that strength.
So I wiped my tears and headed back in.
My SIL whispered, "I love you I love you I love you." She understood why I needed to excuse myself.
Then we all sat around the table and listened to the happy discuss how the baby was already making her nauseous. And with the pretty puzzle announcing their news as the center piece...
I had a moment to redeem myself for my epic fail:
Later in the night I ended up sitting right next to the happy preggo and this was our conversation:
HP (happy preggo): "so I hope your SIL wasn't upset that we said we're pregnant. I know they want to be pregnant and they're not." (she obviously had no idea about me and my dh's struggle but I thought maybe she was trying to be sensitive because my brother and SIL had been trying for almost a year now.)
Me:"I'm pretty sure she's ok and is happy for you guys."
HP:"Good because I don't understand why some people who struggle to get pregnant can be so sensitive when others, like us who don't have to try, do!"
Me: Awkward silence because I'm SHOCKED.
This conversation carries on with many more awkward statements and all I could do was sit in silence because i was fairly certain, if I spoke I would have said something I would regret.
Right then I realized that I was having another moment where I could learn to use that strength that I prayed so hard for.
And I was strong and I offered it up.
The rest of the night was great-aside from not getting to kiss my better half at midnight.
2011....I pray that our miracle will come and that our faith, hope and love continue to grow...
"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."
Saturday, January 1, 2011
I am an emotional person.
Posted by Faith makes things possible at 3:26 PM