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Was two days ago and was also the first time I noticed anything worthwhile (yay charting).

Of course I was excited, because even though I have PCOS and need doctors to help regulate my hormones, and we are taking months "off" from seeing anyone, it's still nice to see something.

Unlike last month, in which i saw nothing.at.all. It seems that I'm an every other month kind of gal. Whatever that means! Because we all know with PCOS the odds of you ovulating on your own are slim to nothing.

But still, seeing something and feeling slight twinges in my right ovary (always just the right...come on left ovary, your sister seems to be doing all the work) always brings about a little hope.

And since I've been feeling rather down the last couple months, I rejoice at this moment.

God is a God of miracles and just because we are going on almost 5 years of marriage and no pregnancies, and we are in the process of working with Doctor Hilgers so we aren't seeing anyone right now to help with my wonky ovaries or hormones, well...who's to say its a completely lost cause?!

To some I may sound crazy.
But holding onto that hope and my faith keeps me from going crazy!!

Hope+faith=not going crazy.

It's just so weird though, that if I see anything or notice any signs of alleged ovulation, it's every other month.

Anyone else experience this or know of someone that has?

"Hope... is the companion of power, and the mother of success; for who so hopes has within him the gift of miracles." [Samuel Smiles]

St. Gerard, pray for us.

A reminder.

This was my view yesterday.

Beautiful.

So, I added a little phrase to my photo and now...

I have a great reminder staring me in the face (I set it as my phone background.)


"Faith in God includes faith in His timing." [Neal Maxwell]

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Samuel Gerard

That's the name that we gave our sweet little new born son....

In my dreams, last night.

Oh what a joyful, amazing and wonderful dream.

Samuel isn't even one of the first two boy names that we have discussed.

It sure fit with the sweet, dark haired, little one though.

Oh what a glorious dream.

It was the first time I've ever 1)dreamt of a boy (only two other times I've dreamt of babies, it was girls) 2)so vividly remembered actually naming the sweet one of my dreams.

Apparently, in my dream, I didn't even realize I was pregnant.

But then I found out.

And was over filled with happiness.

And then, some dream time later, I gave birth to him.

Samuel Gerard.

He was handsome.

When I woke up from my dream, I was missing that little, in my dream but still my newborn, baby.

I tried to go back asleep but of course that didn't work and instead I was dreaming of cupcakes.

Oh well.

I'm thankful for that dream because it was a brief moment away from some of the not so wonderful feelings and anxieties that I've been feeling lately.

I do love dreaming.

Especially when it's about something so wonderful and something that rarely makes an appearance in my dreams.

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." [Walt Disney]

Tripping over pebbles

I'm so fragile with my emotions lately.

One minute I'm feeling great and having a blast with family...

The next minute I'm hearing that my brother and SIL are already FB official with their big news, and feeling oh so sad and down.

One minute I'm enjoying and savoring those delicious cupcakes and family dinners around the table...

The next minute I'm in tears because I feel so very alone in this IF journey when it comes to my family. (not talking about my husband here, he's been my rock and is amazing)

One minute I'm cracking up over the silly things my nephews say...

The next minute I'm fighting back tears because my MIL and SIL can't seem to stop taking about babies and mommy hood.

One minute I'm jumping for joy because my old doctor, who did my surgery a year and a half ago and is now retired thus making it hard to obtain old records, finally is mailing those records to me. The LAST piece of my packet to send to Omaha...

The next minute I feel like a bolder is on my chest and there is a pit in my stomach because I still haven't called my brother to congratulate him (I did respond to their text with the big brother picture though). I feel so hurt by their insensitivity and saddened that we are so far from making our own special announcement.

One minute I'm counting my blessings and cherishing these previous moments with loved ones...

The next I'm trying everything in my power to fight off the bitterness, sadness, and hurt that comes along with struggling with fertility.

It's so emotionally exhausting.

I feel like I'm tripping and falling and failing so much lately.

But, in my tears and pain, I still have my faith in Him and His will for my life. As hard as that can be, i have to because I can only imagine the kind of person I would be without it.

"Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain." [Author Unknown]

It helps.

Today we went into D.C. to try out these amazing [alleged] cupcakes from D.C Cupcakes...
And they did NOT disappoint.

Amazing.
Food crack.




Salted caramel.
Fudge peanut butter.
Oh my.




I'm fairly certain they would help with any crummy day.
Now, I just wish we had one in TX....

[Ladies, words cannot express how much your kind words and support helped me out the other day. I was feeling so sad and rather alone and yet again, y'all have helped me out! Thank you!!]

For now, we are off to visit the Basilica, I'll let y'all know how that goes later!

Do y'all remember?

Do y'all remember this post? The one were I talked about how I handled finding out my big brother and SIL were pregnant a month after they got married?

Do y'all remember me taking about how great I handled it? And how I was truly excited for them?

And I was happy?

Well...today, my brother texted me a sweet picture of my nephew.

Who will be one at the end of this month.

Who is so stinkin' adorable it's not even funny.

Oh, and he was wearing a big brother shirt.

...

This time around I'm not handling it as well.

It sucks being on vacation, away from my dh, on my period and hearing this.

I want to so badly to just.be.happy for them.

I want to celebrate.

I want to call and share my well wishes.

But instead, the ugliness that is IF has me hiding in the bathroom in tears and hurting.

I was healing.

I was feeling so much better.

My crappy month was behind me.

And here I am handling this so poorly.

And with so many stupid, stupid tears...

I hate that.

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I'm leaving on a jet plane..

...don't know when I'll be back again.

Well, actually, it's just a regular plane.

And I'll be back next Thursday.

So basically ignore the title! ;)

I'm off with my MIL to head to Baltimore to visit family-it's my nephew/godson's 4th birthday!!

I'm looking forward to getting away for the week and am really hoping we will make it to the Basilica of the Immaculate Conception. We went there last time I was there but since it was during the March for Life, it was way busy and rushed.

Anyways, I may or may not be blogging, we shall see. I just wanted to give a heads up!

(found on pint.erest a few weeks ago)

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