When we found out we were expecting, my heart was so full of joy and fear all mixed together. After so many years of my body failing me I had such a hard time grasping the fact that we were truly pregnant. However, as the pregnancy progressed the fear started to slip away and the anxiety that had hung around for so many years started to disappear. That heavy bolder that rested on my chest for the years we struggled was gone and I was able to enjoy being pregnant and I was able to joyfully anticipate our little miracle.
Now that Faith is 9 months I will be honest and say I haven't felt the old stings of IF really. Sure, I have fears and anxieties, just that they are different than before.
But then tonight...it happened, like a swift kick to the gut...a lump formed in my throat and I felt that heaviness on my chest...all over a pregnancy announcement.
One stinking pregnancy annoucement and my insides started shaking and I felt as though I was right back to where we were before we found out we were expecting....
Except, I am no where near that.
Not even close.
My heart is full and my days busy with this sweet little one I get to call my daughter. She keeps me on my toes and has brought me to tears from frustration/not knowing what I'm doing and she has brought me to my knees in laughter.
I am her mom...a mom....I am a mother and so hearing of a pregnancy announcement this soon (she's almost 9 months) with those reactions has me startled.
I never anticipated that the those not so pretty sides of waiting would come sneaking back so soon but here I am...trying my very best to shake those not so great feelings.
The crazy thing? I know SO many people who are pregnant right now so this shouldn't sting...but it does.
A little background to why this announcement stung a bit more than normal: my husband works for a specialty unit within the police department and they are a small, close knit group of guys. Of the guys in the unit, all have children and as of today all but 2 are pregnant. Yup, that's what got me....everyone in my husband's unit seem to be getting pregnant and the joke is that there's something in the water causing this! The thing is is that everyone pregnant now is pregnant with #2 or #3 and their first are barely a year old...so these guys move fast it seems! My husband said all the guys joke that we are next and so is "so and so" because well, "there's something in the water."
Umm...that would be great if I could simply have some of that water but I am pretty certain that numerous times I "drank" whatever that person was drinking (ie:lots of water, this type of meds, yoga, this "position", etc...) in those 5 years trying to achieve pregnancy but it didn't quite work like that.
I'm rambling, I know...it's just one of those times where all you need to do is type and not really think about it.
So, that's what I am doing.
I really hope that this makes sense and I really hope that those that are still waiting can understand that I am not complaining that I am not pregnant...it's just so hard that these feelings are back already.
I am not ready to have to fight off these feelings.
I am not ready for the bolder to be back on my chest every time I hear of another pregnancy.
I am not ready for people to ask us when we will have our next and me freak out praying and hoping and begging that we are able to conceive again.
I am not ready but for some reason those feelings are starting to surface again.
Looks like I am going to have a LOT of praying to do.
A LOT of offering up to do.
And a LOT of remembering to live in the now to do.
"You don't always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens." [Mandy Hale]
