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Thursday, August 26, 2010

Blessing and how my brain works sometimes.

My DH found out yesterday, during his in service, that state legislative just passed a bill that will start in January 2011...it allows active duty police officers to pursue their degrees and the state will pay for them to get it! Of course their are some stipulations but how exciting! He's always wanted to get his degree, but the door for that hasn't been opened to us until now. Another amazing thing about it is that since he is also a veteran, he will rate his GI bill...bringing in extra money each month he is in school!

Of course, the tracks in my brain (does that even make sense?!) started going and I thought that if he started next Fall, by then surely [fingerscrossedprayersofferedpleasedearGodifitbeyourwil] we will have a baby or at least pregnant and then he'll be bringing in that extra money around that time. What a blessing this could be.

I've found that this is how my brain works on a lot of stuff. I find out something, let's say a friend's wedding, and I think, "well, if that it's a year, and we get pregnant in the next few months...well, I could be about to either a)pop or 2)have a little one nestled in my arms."

Also, let's say, someone talks about taking a trip, whether it be a road trip or a plane trip I instantly think, "well, if we get pregnant now, then I'll be about to pop and there's no way I could travel then!"

Or, last December when we actually found some pretty looking mature follicles (only an IF would say this, I'd imagine!) and we took the honker of a HCG shot, I instantly thought, "if we do get pregnant, then the baby would around the time GP passed, it would be as if his soul left and another soul is entering the world..."

And lastly, I think about if we do indeed get pregnant in the next couple a months, it would be around the time GP passed, and thus sparking the same thought as the one mentioned above.

Call me crazy.

Blame it on my wild imagination.

I know I play the "what if" game a lot, it's just hard not to.

Part of it's exciting to think about because I know that when it happens, it's going to be truly beautiful and the timing will be something beyond my wildest dreams.

Another part of it's exhausting. I don't want to always think, "what if" but some how it just happens...without me even trying to think about it.

I guess all in all I blame it on (not really blame, but you get the idea) the fact that I still believe in my heart of hearts that this desire to conceive and raise children is from God and therefore, these thoughts are going to happen because that desire is there.

I have prayed that God take the desire if it's not in His will, but like I've mentioned numerous times before, He always seems to lead us in a direction where the path ultimately could lead to conception.

So, I guess I'll take my crazy thoughts of "what if's" and go with it.

I'm going to keep my head held high.

I'm going to keep on trusting.

Oh, what an adventure this so called life has been...

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. (Albert Einstein)

4 comments:

Lauren @ Magnify the Lord with Me said...

Oh friend. I could have written this post. Calculating due-dates, implications of such, how to tell the parents, what holiday it falls around to help figure out how to tell the parents... Month after month. Adoption after adoption. I'm with you.

Keep trusting. Hang in there!

Suzie-Q T-Pie said...

Yeah.. totally could have written this! lol.
Great news for you and your DH though! :)

Ann - Building a Nest said...

Yeah, I used to do it to. Not as bad anymore, but it still happens.

Great news about your state paying for DH's degree.

Faith makes things possible said...

Good to know there are others out there that do the same thing! ;)