Anxiety and dreams

It happened again...

I'm laying in bed, dreaming about how thankful I am for the night-thankful because of the rest I will be getting because my emotions have been getting the best of me yet again.

Then...I get this uncomfortable feeling that someone is in the room with dh and I.

I lay perfectly still until it's completely obvious from the heavy breathing and the feeling that someone is definitely standing next to me....someone is there.

I panic.

I panic my self awake with my heart racing like I had just ran really fast, heat shooting up and down my body, and eyes frantically searching the room for a sign that I was only dreaming.

But it feels so real.

I tell my dh that I know someone is in the room and he holds me and comforts me from my bad dream.

I hate it.

My anxiety has once again taken over my dreams.

I really thought I was handling it well and with all the wonderful signs and peace, that I feel are from God, I just knew that when anxiety came creeping back in, I'd be able to handle it hands down.

Fail.

Anxiety: one million trillion.
Me: zero.

For some reason the last couple days I have felt anxious and overwhelmed. I'm trying my best to think of things that I am thankful for (like the dear priest suggested while I was on retreat) but even that isn't helping.

Maybe it's the reality that my brother and SIL are weeks away from celebrating the birth of their first child and that feels like the only thing discussed at all family events.

Maybe it's because my friend from college told me a few weeks ago that she's off birth control (she's not Catholic) and I'm anxiously anticipating a call with their big announcement soon.

Maybe it's because I know that I'm about to have lots of doctor's appointments and 45 minute drives east, since we're jumping back into things full forced again.

Maybe it's because dh and I are meeting two couples for dinner tonight...both of which who have been married less than us and both of which who have two beautiful babies each-I'm already anticipating it'll be only baby talk!

Maybe...maybe...maybe...

Ugh.

I'm sure I sound like I crazy person-dreaming about people in my room and letting anxiety take over.

I assure you I am not.

It's just, this TCC and fertility stuff is a roller coaster ride- emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.

I really hope God doesn't give up on me even though there are moments I give up on him...in a sense that I don't trust what he's doing in my life and I don't feel any peace with the circumstances that surround IF.

But then I remember I am human and I will fail and He will never give up on me.

He must think I'm strong enough to handle all this...even though there are times I don't feel so strong.

Why can't I be cheery, hopeful and trusting ALL the time?

Why must their be moments of panic, lack of trusting and being scared?

Oh yeah...this isn't heaven and I am a work in process.

Jesus, I trust in you.

"I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much."(Blessed Mother Teresa)

My newest obsession...

Crocheting!

It's so wonderful not only because is gives me a chance to create, but also because my mind is seriously relaxed, carefree and stress free while I'm doing it!

It was great, earlier this week I was looking around online for some new crafting ideas and I saw some things people had crocheted but was bummed because I had no clue what to do or how to start. But then yesterday, I had some family visiting from out of town and coincidently, my Gm was going through old yarn and needles, etc...and she showed me and two of my cousins how to do it!!

She is great at it. She's made some beautiful afghans and blankets...which is my next project! :) She was also showing us some shawls and other things that she made when she was younger and newly married. The thing we all agreed on is that it's quite a bummer that sewing, quilting, crocheting, etc..aren't really taught anymore. Thankfully my Gm is a great instructor.

Here's what I've done so far:

Ear warmers with little flower on them. I have a button on the back so you can wear it wrapped around your cold ears....which I know here in Texas it'll be a long while, however that's just what I happen to make (because of the length and whatnot) for my first try.







Little baby hat...I'm not done yet and thankfully y'all can't see too close cause it's kind of a mess. But I'm ok with that because it's actually looking like a hat! ;)







My new yarn for my new afghan I'm going to make. I plan on doing a little here and there. I just think it's going to feel pretty great to accomplish a crocheted blanket to snuggle under on those cold nights when the ac is especially cold!

This crafting spell I've been on has helped me not think about my wonky body so much. TCC is hard and since we can't get away on a nice vacation anytime soon...crafting will be my go to de-stresser.

Praying for you all...

"If you only do what you know you can do- you never do very much."(Tom Krause)

Here we go again...

Yeah, so yesterday I woke to CD1. And I didn't burst immediately into tears and hit the ground sobbing about how I couldn't go through another cycle.

Nope.

I was excited.

Excited.

Yup. You heard me right. You see, since surgery we've had two medicated cycles (with little progresses each time!) and now, I've been off for two months because of traveling and whatnot.

I am actually looking forward to going driving that 45 minute drive 4+ times a month to monitor things. I want to see if they up the clomid or if they add shots in.

I'm excited because, through prayer (and my new amazing saint, Marthe Robin) I have an over abundance of hope, trust and perseverance.

Oh how I wish I could bottle up this hope for a rainy day. You know, the days where you feel little to no hope?! Well, I'd happily break up this excessive amount of hope to last all month so as to not have those rainy days at all. But that's not how things work.

I am thinking of buying an old jar from the thrift store and filling it with bible verses and quotes that inspire, uplift and encourage, so that way when I am down I can reach into my jar of hope for a little pick me up. It's on my "to-do" crafting list.

Speaking of crafting, with a CD1 falling on a night that my husband works and me wanting to keep my emotions in line, I made three new headbands:

With this gold and white one, I'm thinking of adding two more circles filled with the beads-just to give it a little something more because it's looking a little plain!


Gluing those little turquoise beads on was quite fun...I'm sure I'll be finding the ones, that made their getaway, for awhile!

And speaking of thrift stores, we have a new one that opened up not to far from my house! I'm thinking of heading there later today to see what treasures I can find!

"One craft project, like one cookie,
is never enough!"

I'm a sucker for advertisements

And it smells good!

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine. (Anthony J. D'Angelo)

"Be patient with me...

...God's not done with me yet!"

That was one of the quotes that Father said on retreat this past weekend and it resonated deep inside me!

I am a work in progress! From little things I struggle with to big things like having to re offer up the struggles of IF more times than not because I let myself get so easily down.

The quote is already stamped out and placed where everyone can see it in our home! :)

As for the silence...

So peaceful. I was so completely at peace there. My mind focused on hearing what God wanted to tell me which more times than not it was, "enjoy this moment, your moment will come." That brought such a huge sense if peace for my weary soul. I just wanted to be able to enjoy the quiet and the one on one time with God. My anxiety of IF wasn't there. Heck the mere thought of it was missing.

Except for the healing mass where I broke down in tears realizing I had never asked for healing in regards to my IF.

So I prayed, "Heal me from my IF, fill my empty womb" over and over with all the faith in my heart, body and mind.

One other big thing that stood out and that the priest told me one on one in a spiritual direction meeting was that I need to go to our Blessed Mother. This women knows the all the feelings, emotions and desires that come from being a mother, after all she was the mother of Jesus. And that by revealing to the Blessed Mother my intention of motherhood, I can ask her to go to her Son with these intentions.

Needless to say, the Blessed Mother and I have been even closer since the retreat! ;)

All in all the retreat was peaceful, restful, informational and healing. It revamped my hope and trust in a way I probably couldn't even begin to express to y'all properly. As the days go by I'm sure I'll blog more specifically about the retreat but for now, I just wanted to say it was amazing.

And on another random note that left me in aww, I just had to share what happened with my MIL yesterday. She had been on a different retreat with two of her girlfriends this past weekend. We both offered to pray for one another throughout each of our retreats. Well one things that happened at her retreat was that they had a basket that you could reach in and grab a saint-a patron saint for the year (very similar to what this wonderful lady does). She pulled one for her and my FIL, along with one for every child...meaning Dh and I received one. And I'll begin by saying that each one was dead on for each person. They not only said a saint, but said a quote by them also.

My husband received Padre Pio and his quote said, "The heart of the Divine Master has no more amiable law than that of sweetness, humility, charity. Often place your confidence in Divine Providence and be assured that sooner heaven and earth shall pass away than that the Lord neglect to protect you."

Amazing. I've been so worried about my husband at work and pray constantly for his protection (he's a police officer in a rough area)...I loved hearing that God is hearing our prayers and protecting him.

As for mine, I got a saint I've never heard of, Marthe Robin and here's the quote, "It seems to me that the heart that is full of trust is the one, fascinated by the infinite power of divine love, that does not allow human impossibilities to limit its hope, but nourishes its trust with the immensity of love, with infinity, and expects from God with peaceful assurance, infinitely more than what we can hope or imagine."

I was in tears when my MIL read this. She too was in aww at just how perfect it was for me.

Upon further research into who this Saint was, the really neat thing I read first was that she lived similarly to Padre Pio and that in fact she is known as France's Padre Pio!! The saint my husband received! How neat!! In a nut shell, she lived paralyzed, with the Mystical stigmata and along with Padre Pio, she had a way of seeing into people souls and was able to share with them what they needed to hear...

And that quote couldn't have been any more beautiful and further in line with my hearts fullness to trusting, hope and having faith...our time will come.

God is good.

"Be patient with me...God's not done with me yet!

Silent.

I leave for my silent retreat tomorrow.

The key ingredient being silent.

Silent moments to sit outside and marvel in the beauty that God has created...the sunset, the stars, the moon, the waves splashing on the lake shore.

Silent moments to ask for healing for my (somewhat, but getting better) bitter heart over fertility struggles.

Silent moments to ask for strength and courage on this oh so difficult journey because I still feel in my heart of hearts we are on the right path and will conceive one day.

Silent moments to thank God for the ample amount of blessings that He has bestowed on little ol'-emotional me (and my amazing dh).

Silent moments to focus on growth.

Silent moments to truly listen to what He has to tell me.

My soul is yearning for this retreat more and more-and I only found out I would be going two days ago!

God knows what we need before we even know...right?

Most definitely right!!

Like I commented earlier...THANK you so much for the book suggestions, I'm hoping to go tomorrow before I leave. Thank you!

I will be thinking of you girls and praying for each of y'all during my retreat.

Signing off for now! "See" y'all Sunday!

"True silence is the rest of the mind; it is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment." (William Penn)

I NEED YOUR ADVICE PLEASE!!

I'm hoping the all caps got your attention because what I'm about to say is pretty important....

Well maybe not important per say...but I'm in a time crunch so that definitely merited that all caps [inmyhumbledopinion].

I am leaving for retreat Thursday and really want some good reads, things that can carry into Lent and beyond. It doesn't have to be specifically Catholic nor does it have to be strictly spiritual, but I do want something that inspires me to do better/be better and it doesn't matter if it's a non-fictional or a fictional story.

One of my favorite books is Matthew Kelly, Rhythm of Life and I've also enjoyed reading books filled with simple, yet thought provoking quotes. Also in adoration I'm reading, Reason to Believe which is pretty amazing. And, I'm also wanting to buy Pioneer Woman's High Heels to Tractor Wheels at one point (I'm a sucker for love stories...) but that's not at all what I want to read during retreat/Lent!!

And yes, the examples I gave are mostly religious/spiritual, but I'm open to anything!

I'll admit I'm not a huge reader. More times than not you'll see my reading a slight obsession of mine and highly entertaining, trashy celebrity magazine like, PEOPLE, or a home improvement/recipe filled magazine like Taste of Home or Better Homes and Garden. But that's not to say I won't read, I just don't have a lot of good book ideas, hence the begging for help!! ;)

Thanks in advanced!

Ps...I'm a nerd and am actually going to have to delete the Fa.cebo.ok app from my phone because I realize that I get on it without even thinking about it. Good grief...

Silent Retreat *updated with corrected email!

Yup...this "loves to talk" lady is heading on a silent retreat this Thursday evening until Sunday!

And I'm SO excited!!

I've been twice before-once when I was in HS and once as a sophomore in college.

It's been too long!

My Gm called me this morning, and since she helps set up registration for the retreat, said she talked to the other coordinators and since there was space, wanted me and my SIL (the one I spoke about last post)-and my heart leaped for excitement because this retreat is such an amazing time to step away from the busy, loud life we live in at times.

And to go at the beginning of this Lent season?! Amazing way to start it off.

Honestly, growing up, when I was in Jr.high and high school, I went on plenty of retreats with the youth-guitar playing, small group sharing, retreats.

Then my senior year when my Gm asked me to the silent retreat I'd seen her (and my Gp-different times, for a men's and women's retreat) go on for as far back as I could remember...I was excited!

However it was unlike any retreat I'd ever attended and it was even better than any retreat I'd ever attended.

The idea is that things are scheduled-morning mass, morning prayer, the rosary, confession, short talks, etc,... But you choose what you want to do. Well, besides the talks-those you want to go to because their pretty awesome.

The best parts in my opinion:
-the talks are short (but powerful) so as to give you time to go off and reflect silently on your own.
-it's out by a lake where the sunsets/sun rises are gorgeous.
-there's a healing mass and you watch as women of all ages go up...some in tears, asking the Lord for healing.
-and of course....it's SILENT!

For a girl who loves to talk, this simple retreat has done so much for my soul.

Why have I only been 2 times?

Honestly...laziness. If my Gm didn't coordinate with me then I'd forget about and it not phase me until after the fact.

I'm glad she asked me to come this year! I need to make a bigger effort in the future though.

So from Thursday until Sunday I'll me MIA from the world-no phones, no talking, no TV, no radio, no blogging and most certainly no Facebooking (which I'm giving up for Lent, by the way).

Please comment and leave your prayer intentions for me as I will have so much time to think and pray about you pretty ladies. If you'd feel more comfortable emailing your intentions-you can do that also ( jak 1083 at yahoo dot com). Please let me know by Thursday-I really want to be able to pray for each of y'all!!

As of any other sort of update here: I may or may not have ovulated sans medicine. I'm still praying that bitterness can stay at bay. And I'm still working on handling things that come my way with grace and hopefulness.

I hope this Monday finds y'all in hopeful spirits and grateful hearts, for all the blessings we've been given...no matter how big or how small.

"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls."(Mother Teresa)

She knows the pain too.

There is a unique pain that comes along with the waiting ...the hoping....the longing that accompanies IF.

A pain that some will never fully understand unless they have experienced this pain themselves. And most of us IF strugglers, wouldn't wish the pain on anyone-not even our worst enemies.

Although the pain can make you feel isolated and alone at times, the desire to have a friend that "gets it" and understands you is always there. However, that would mean that dear friend was experiencing/has experienced this gut wrenching pain of waiting...

And well, I've already mentioned that I wouldn't want to wish this pain on an enemy, so most definitely not a friend.

And most MOST definitely not a family member.

Like my SIL and little brother, to be specific.

Yeah, I've mentioned a few times here on my blog that they were trying and having some issues-meaning, they aren't pregnant already! A little background refresher:
-they married in August '09
-from what I know, they waited a couple months before entering the "not, not trying" stage.
-a few months ago she went to her obgyn and he prescribed progesterone supplements. (I have an issue with this because he didn't run any labs or tests. Really my main issue is that I see it as time lost and laziness-on the doctor's part.)
-they told me if after this cycle they weren't pregnant then they would have tests run and check out what could be the problem.
-she's been charting since before they were married.

All in all, I really felt that they were going to be pregnant within a few months of marriage and to be completely honest, this devastated me because I didn't want to be left behind again.

But then as the months went by with no announcement, I started asking my little brother (not to be confused with my Big brother) and he said they were trying but that it hadn't happened. He expressed some concern but wasn't too worried just yet. I then started asking my SIL, who's a bit more reserved and not as open as my little brother was about it. She told me they were trying and that they were hoping that no later than Feb '11 they would be pregnant and if not they would go to the doctors.

When the doctor prescribed the progesterone, I saw how excited they were and how hopeful they were that this would do the trick. Part of me prayed it would and the other part prayed for strength to accept when their big announcement came.

I knew my SIL was starting to experience some of the pains that accompany IF struggles, like when my older brother and SIL announced they were pregnant, I could see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice, "We are trying. They were not."

But then this morning, I realized that she really, truly felt the pain when I got this text:

"Well, nothing like the news that your 2-month married friend is expecting twins to make the first day of your period that much more exciting...ohh life."

My heart broke for her. All I could respond back with was:
"Oh E!!! :/ I hate that you know the painful feeling that comes along with all this waiting. It appears we both got announcements of some sort on day 1 of our cycles this month. Bottom line: bittersweet. LOVE YOU oh so much!!"

I don't know if that's what she wanted to hear or if that helped at all-all I do know is that I've been very open to them about our struggles and so I'm glad she knows she can talk to me.

I don't want my baby brother and her to know this pain-yet here we are-them a year or so in and the pain seems to be there in full swing.

Please just say a prayer for them-especially my SIL, E, because we all know how fun CD1 is, let alone mixed with a pregnancy announcement!

On a side note, I just had to write a little something in regards to this Pretty lady. Her post literally brought me to tears. Tears because she tried to be so sensitive and compassionate with "spilling the beans" about their pregnancy and tears because I'm truly happy for this new little miracle! I wish that my fertile friends could understand how such an announcement is bittersweet, but most don't take the time to really think about how someone who is struggling to get pregnant could feel. Megan, you are a sweet and wonderful lady and I'm so glad to have "met" you in this blogger world! Congratulations again! :)

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."(Dr.Seuss)