It happened again...
I'm laying in bed, dreaming about how thankful I am for the night-thankful because of the rest I will be getting because my emotions have been getting the best of me yet again.
Then...I get this uncomfortable feeling that someone is in the room with dh and I.
I lay perfectly still until it's completely obvious from the heavy breathing and the feeling that someone is definitely standing next to me....someone is there.
I panic my self awake with my heart racing like I had just ran really fast, heat shooting up and down my body, and eyes frantically searching the room for a sign that I was only dreaming.
But it feels so real.
I tell my dh that I know someone is in the room and he holds me and comforts me from my bad dream.
I hate it.
My anxiety has once again taken over my dreams.
I really thought I was handling it well and with all the wonderful signs and peace, that I feel are from God, I just knew that when anxiety came creeping back in, I'd be able to handle it hands down.
Anxiety: one million trillion.
For some reason the last couple days I have felt anxious and overwhelmed. I'm trying my best to think of things that I am thankful for (like the dear priest suggested while I was on retreat) but even that isn't helping.
Maybe it's the reality that my brother and SIL are weeks away from celebrating the birth of their first child and that feels like the only thing discussed at all family events.
Maybe it's because my friend from college told me a few weeks ago that she's off birth control (she's not Catholic) and I'm anxiously anticipating a call with their big announcement soon.
Maybe it's because I know that I'm about to have lots of doctor's appointments and 45 minute drives east, since we're jumping back into things full forced again.
Maybe it's because dh and I are meeting two couples for dinner tonight...both of which who have been married less than us and both of which who have two beautiful babies each-I'm already anticipating it'll be only baby talk!
I'm sure I sound like I crazy person-dreaming about people in my room and letting anxiety take over.
I assure you I am not.
It's just, this TCC and fertility stuff is a roller coaster ride- emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.
I really hope God doesn't give up on me even though there are moments I give up on him...in a sense that I don't trust what he's doing in my life and I don't feel any peace with the circumstances that surround IF.
But then I remember I am human and I will fail and He will never give up on me.
He must think I'm strong enough to handle all this...even though there are times I don't feel so strong.
Why can't I be cheery, hopeful and trusting ALL the time?
Why must their be moments of panic, lack of trusting and being scared?
Oh yeah...this isn't heaven and I am a work in process.
Jesus, I trust in you.
"I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much."(Blessed Mother Teresa)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
It happened again...
Posted by Faith makes things possible at 11:20 AM