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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Anxiety and dreams

It happened again...

I'm laying in bed, dreaming about how thankful I am for the night-thankful because of the rest I will be getting because my emotions have been getting the best of me yet again.

Then...I get this uncomfortable feeling that someone is in the room with dh and I.

I lay perfectly still until it's completely obvious from the heavy breathing and the feeling that someone is definitely standing next to me....someone is there.

I panic.


I panic my self awake with my heart racing like I had just ran really fast, heat shooting up and down my body, and eyes frantically searching the room for a sign that I was only dreaming.

But it feels so real.

I tell my dh that I know someone is in the room and he holds me and comforts me from my bad dream.

I hate it.

My anxiety has once again taken over my dreams.

I really thought I was handling it well and with all the wonderful signs and peace, that I feel are from God, I just knew that when anxiety came creeping back in, I'd be able to handle it hands down.

Fail.

Anxiety: one million trillion.
Me: zero.

For some reason the last couple days I have felt anxious and overwhelmed. I'm trying my best to think of things that I am thankful for (like the dear priest suggested while I was on retreat) but even that isn't helping.

Maybe it's the reality that my brother and SIL are weeks away from celebrating the birth of their first child and that feels like the only thing discussed at all family events.

Maybe it's because my friend from college told me a few weeks ago that she's off birth control (she's not Catholic) and I'm anxiously anticipating a call with their big announcement soon.

Maybe it's because I know that I'm about to have lots of doctor's appointments and 45 minute drives east, since we're jumping back into things full forced again.

Maybe it's because dh and I are meeting two couples for dinner tonight...both of which who have been married less than us and both of which who have two beautiful babies each-I'm already anticipating it'll be only baby talk!

Maybe...maybe...maybe...

Ugh.

I'm sure I sound like I crazy person-dreaming about people in my room and letting anxiety take over.

I assure you I am not.

It's just, this TCC and fertility stuff is a roller coaster ride- emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.

I really hope God doesn't give up on me even though there are moments I give up on him...in a sense that I don't trust what he's doing in my life and I don't feel any peace with the circumstances that surround IF.

But then I remember I am human and I will fail and He will never give up on me.

He must think I'm strong enough to handle all this...even though there are times I don't feel so strong.

Why can't I be cheery, hopeful and trusting ALL the time?

Why must their be moments of panic, lack of trusting and being scared?

Oh yeah...this isn't heaven and I am a work in process.

Jesus, I trust in you.

"I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much."(Blessed Mother Teresa)



11 comments:

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Oh, anxiety, how I know thee. Ugh!!! I don't have any great advice, but know that I will be praying for you. Hang in there, He is right there next to you!!!!

Hebrews 11:1 said...

You aren't crazy!! Dreams like that can be really scary!

Don't feel too defeated by the anxiety...the real victory in life is not measured by whether you can prevent yourself from getting knocked down...it's measured by if you can manage to get back up. And you do! So really YOU win!! :)

Little JoAnn said...

;) Prayers for you. If I had those people in my orbit I would be even crazier. I would not be as kind as you...

Just know, how much we understand...

and, CARE about YOU.

JellyBelly said...

Anxiety and are are THISCLOSE.

Impending pg announcements drive me around the bend! I had a feeling that my fertile bf was trying again for her third and every time I saw her I would brace myself. I must've been so tense when I was around her!

I'm praying for you by name, my friend! You are definitely not alone!

Nicole C said...

I'm so sorry to hear you're suffering! And you're definitely not crazy - or alone.

A Martha trying to be Mary said...

I know the feeling well. I am so very sorry you are going through this. If and anxiety go many times hand in hand. I am also facing this now and will pray for you specifically.

CM said...

I am certainly in the middle of a point in my own life where I'm trying to trust God in this place where I'm stuck, but I have no peace, no nothing. You have my prayers!

Awaiting a Child of God:) said...

I'm with you friend. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. BUT like Hebrews said, it's how we handle it in getting back up! Your quote of Mother T is my fav...I totally agree with that!

Anonymous said...

Reading your blog has brought me strength. IF is a horrible thing and even though they say it is so common I feel so alone. I read your blog and I feel connected. You can't put into words how IF lerks around every corner of your emotions. My DH and I tried for 3 years, told by dr's not going to happen and it did! Soon as daughter was born we ttc, 3 years later, no baby and loosing hope. Trying to stay strong but feeling so defeated. It's horrible looking at my daughter and seeing her doing everything alone. I want her to have a sister/brother so badly it hurts and makes me cry so hard. I'm praying for you and all the women wanting that little "love" in their own womb. God Bless. ~ Angela

Faith makes things possible said...

Every comment has brought me such a strength...such a knowing that I am not alone. I appreciate each and every comment, thank you!

Katie @ Persevere in Prayer said...

Hugs and prayers!

I remember my aunt told me when I was 10 years old that worrying is a sin. I was like, "OHMYGOSH, IT IS?! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO STOP?! AHHH, I'M SINNING!" (from the mind of a 10-year-old) haha

I think all you can do it pray and practice letting go. I still have trouble with it to this day.