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Monday, June 27, 2011

Cautiously hopeful.

So, for 2.5 years we went and tried and prayed for my little ol' ovaries to produce some sort of mature follicle.

It happened once.

Just once.

In two and a half years.

Pretty discouraging but I still hoped.

Then last year, I had surgery and my periods are now regular and low and behold...my dinky ovaries are producing some pretty decent follicles.

This is huge for me.

But...

After last cycle-after hearing my follicles might not be rupturing...my heart broke.

Now, here we are three and a half years later with mature follicles but possibly something else wrong.

Which leads me to this cautious hopefulness.

I do not like that I am like this right now.

I love hope.

I cling to hope like there's no tomorrow.

Hope and me are tight.

But, like I mentioned-after last month's not so great results, that hope literally shattered into a million pieces and I've been doing all I humanly can to find those pieces and put that hope back together.

Because hope saves me when I'm down and broken and scared.

But now, I am cautiously hoping because of fear of that pain.

That pain that was so overwhelming and took so much out of me.

You see today's doctor's appointment-the second follicle check this cycle-showed two great, mature follicles.

TWO.

The me a year ago would have danced and sung words of joy leaving that appointment-praising God for this blessing.

But the me today, got the trigger shot...put on my over sized glasses to hide my tears of fear...and would not allow that hope to over flow.

And like I said-I. Hate. That.

I felt terrible because the pain that I felt not that long ago from yet another cycle...still lingered and there I was not rejoicing in this blessing.

I am not that person.
I do not want to become that person that forgets to celebrate the little victories.

So-although this day was not quite how I anticipated-with the hope not overflowing from my core-I am finishing it by thanking God for this blessing.

I'm high-fiving my right ovary for stepping up with not one...but two follicles.

I am thanking God for the hope that is growing and praying that I continue to embrace it.

And I'm asking God for the grace to accept his timing and not lose that hope.

So here I am...hoping and praying and trusting.

I'm not giving up.

I'm not going to let fear overtake hope.

Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken...but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken place.

19 comments:

JellyBelly said...

I am holding you close in my heart!!!!! Praying for you and your TWO follies!

God Alone Suffices said...

You're such a beautiful person! Keeping you in my prayers! :)

Brit said...

Praying for you dear!!!! When you don't have the strength to hope - we are all here still hoping and praying with you and for you! <3

Isaiah 55:8-9 said...

Hoping and praying for you!! :)

CM said...

Who knew that hope could be so hard to hold onto? Prayers!

Rebecca @ The Road Home said...

Oh how your heart is close to mine today. I hate that instead of anticipating my coming {seemingly} fertile days with hope, I am already feeling the disappointment.

I'm digging deep to find the hope - and praying for hope for you too.

Sarah said...

Praying!

Sarah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Grace in my Heart said...

I'll be praying and hoping too!!!

Lauren @ Magnify the Lord with Me said...

We'll hope for you.

Hang in there!!!!!! Please, Lord, PLEASE!!!!

C. said...

Hope is beautiful!

Praying for you. :)

Nicole C said...

Oh man, I totally know the feeling of not wanting to get TOO hopeful. But it does sound like there are good things on the horizon!! Prayers!

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

Go, follies, go!!!!

A Martha trying to be Mary said...

Follies go go!!!!!!!!! we are rooting for you from far away!!! Praying!

Megan said...

Now rupture you beautiful follies!! :) R-U-P-T-U-R-E! What's that spell?! RUPTURE! haha Go follies!!! :)

I thought a pep talk might help them. :) Praying for a successful cycle and that God will pour hope and peace into your heart!

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Hormone Queen said...

Your blog spoke so deeply to my heart.. thank you for sharing <3

"His Perfect Timing" said...

Oh, I'm praying for you! Don't let go of hope - you can do this!!!

Janet said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.