Wednesday, October 19, 2011

CD1: But feeling closer to God than ever

This cycle has been SO wonky and unpredictable. First off, my alleged ovulation occurred about a week after it should have ideally (ha, whatever that means) and then I had the loooongest cycle I have had in longer than I can remember, 38 days.

I woke up this morning, rather early, for a restroom trip and realized that I had started. My usual feeling/emotion/reaction is sadness, my soul feeling crushed, my body feeling defeated yet again. I usually fall instantly into a deep shadow of sadness and bitterness.

But today, I was thankful that my period was there and on it's own. I was thankful that my husband and I were able to "start over" and try again with this brand new cycle. I was thankful for my husband and his support.

These feelings are not what I normally feel and as I went to crawl back into bed all I could think about was how close I felt to God at that very moment. How even though I had completed the Saint Gerard Novena without a pregnancy occurring or that even though I pray every day for the intercessory prayers from Blessed John Paul, our former amazing beautiful Pope, and still have yet to experience a BFP, I felt their prayers.

And then, still feeling rather half out of it from the sleep, thoughts of my Grandpa came rushing over me. I felt a sense of peace and comfort from him. I thanked God at that very moment for him, because I know he's in heaven and he is praying for each of the family members. And I especially felt his prayers today, this CD1, oddly enough.

AND then...a flood of tears came rushing through my half opened eyes and foggy mind.

Today, is the 2 year anniversary of my grandpa's death. It was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced in my life. I've mentioned it before but I'll say it again, he wasn't just my Gp, he was the man that raised my brothers and I, because his own son decided not to be a parent when we were very young. It was like losing a Gp and a father that day. I will never forget the emotions and the daze that followed that horrible day. There are some days that it feels like it could have never happened and that we'll see him soon and then again there are days that feel like it has just dragged by.

Of all days for this CD1 to fall on, really late in my cycle, after novenas and falls on this anniversary and I couldn't feel like it was meant to happen that way. I feel so much strength, courage, peace, hope and happiness-something rarely (if ever) felt on the first day of my cycle.

I know that my Gp is up there praying for us and interceding for us and that brings me so much joy.

The feeling that I am feeling in regards to my Gp, the saints and those passed is overwhelming and such a beautiful reminder that the power of prayer is real and is there.

I should be falling apart and feeling depressed at this moment-the moment where I am still reading those pregnancy announcements, that extra room is not a nursery, where my cramps are screaming to me, "NOT pregnant again!" and another cycle has come and gone without our miracle occurring...but instead I am JOYFUL, HOPEFUL and TRUSTING in our Lord.

Timing is everything you guys, and today is another example of that.

I'm so thankful for all the prayers!!

Prayer is POWERFUL.

Speaking of prayers...I wanted to add that we have another person joining us on The Island. I've mentioned her once or so before and she is an amazing and faithful woman. She is married to my baby brother (I'm lucky to call her sister!) and they have been struggling to conceive for awhile now. I have encouraged her to join this amazing community of bloggers because I just know that the power of prayer has a lot to do with 1)the number of those that have been able to leave this crummy IF island and 2)the strength in the waiting for those still on this island. It's a bittersweet feeling that she is joining this community but I just know that good things will come from this for her! So, if y'all wouldn't mind...please go and give One Joyful Day the warm welcome she deserves! You ladies are great!

Prayer is powerful!

It really is, I mean I'm actually smiling and hopeful on this CD1.

And it most certainly has nothing to do with me being that strong of a woman-nope, it has to do with some pretty amazing people praying for me.

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." (Eskimo Proverb quotes)


Ania said...

I was hopeful and actually glad on my CD1 a week ago. It's my first normal one since surgery over 2 months ago. I definitely think it's the prayers. Glad you're feeling happy too!

Grace in my Heart said...

Glad you're doing okay...Today I started the novena to St. Jude so please know you'll be in my prayers.

Rebecca said...

That quote is amazing! Thank-you for sharing it :).

And isn't it amazing what and where we find hope while on this island. I was almost bouncing as I walked into the Lab for my blood draw today. The Man, I think, is more worried about my mental state now than he has been, he just doesn't quite 'get' how I can be so happy to have blood drawn. Maybe it's more his total fear of needles than my bouncing? Oh well.

Prayers of gratitude for your peace and joy. May it continue.

JellyBelly said...

Your hopefulness is such an inspiration!

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Wow, what a gift to feel so close to the Saints (your gp included) on this day.
I'll be praying for you as well.

"All in His Perfect Timing" said...

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandpa two years ago.
I am very glad that you are feeling the prayers that he, the saints and all of us are sending your way. You are right! Prayer is powerful!!!

Isaiah 55:8-9 said...

So glad you're doing so well! :) I'm echoing everyone else - yes - prayer is very powerful! As much as we miss loved ones, isn't it great to know they are interceding for us? Our faith is so beautiful!