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Friday, October 14, 2011

I am not the only woman.

I am not the only woman who feels in her heart of hearts that she is called to be a mommy even though she cannot choose when that moment may be.

I am not the only one whose heart melts with excitement seeing her husband holding a baby and at the same time it breaks because she never imagined the wait and not knowing would hurt this badly.

I am not the only woman who counts every.single.day of her cycle even though she prays of the day that she "suddenly" realizes she is late and pregnant.

I am not the only woman whose chest feels like a massive weight is placed upon it when she reads another pregnancy announcement on facebook...or from a family member...or from a friend...or from anyone really.

I am not the only woman who has to fake it when someone asks "how are you?" or "when are y'all going to have children?"

I am not the only woman whose soul feels crushed when another CD1 rolls around and you have to tell your sweet, supportive husband, "not this month."

I am not the only woman who has had to take medications that give her hot flashes like a menopausal woman, or who has had to take shots and pills to hopefully make things "normal."

I am not the only woman who has had to have a surgery exploring her lady parts and then having to spend weeks recovering.

I am not the only woman who looks at that extra bedroom dubbed, "the one day nursery" and has to try everything in her power to hold back tears because it is not yet the nursery.

I am not the only woman who, upon hearing a pregnancy announcement goes, "were they trying? how long? were they not trying? how old are they? how long have they been married?"

No, I am not the only person who feels she is not living what she knows she is and has been called to be...a mother.

But some days, I certainly feel like it...

Praying for strength in the waiting.

18 comments:

Mrs. Henderson said...

J, this is beautiful.
I am standing right there with you. Prayers for you tonight, my friend.

Love!

Second Chances said...

This is such a painfully beautiful reflection. Yes, you are not alone. And many of us on the "other side" are praying so hard for you :)

imusthaveprayedforpatience said...

So true. Right there with ya.

Emily W said...

Hey, I've been following your blog for awhile now (found it through Alison at Matching Moonheads), and I think now is a good time to introduce myself! I'm Emily, I live in West Texas, am a Christian who loves God and my husband, and I also have PCOS and have been dealing with infertility for awhile now.

I read your blog because it makes me feel less alone. I don't know anybody in real life dealing with PCOS/infertility (I can think of three people with infertility I've known well in my life, all of whom are 10+ years older than me and have children now). It's a lonely road.

I can so relate to every single thing you posted today. Medications, check. Faking it, check. Knowing exactly which cycle day I am on, check. Sadness, pain, impatience, check. Yep, I totally get it. You are not the only one.

Thanks for sharing your heart. *Hugs*

My Heart Exults... said...

This takes me back to what feels like "yesterday" for me. I'm praying for you!

BlessedBeLord said...

Beautiful! I had tears reading this.. I feel so heart broken at times.. And I pray for strength in the waiting for all those who long to hold a little one in their arms..

Hebrews 11:1 said...

These feelings are all still fresh in my heart. I felt everything you described...I think every infertile has. God bless you for sharing...you are in my prayers!

"All in His Perfect Timing" said...

So.VERY.True.
I'm feeling these emotions right along with you. Praying for you.
The tough days are REALLY tough. I'm definitely going to bookmark this and need to reference this ... probably pretty soon.

qlms said...

This post is so spot on, as I went to bed with a weight on my chest and tears in my eyes after reading another "surprise" announcement.

Knowing I'm not the only one is such a bittersweet feeling for me. Although I do find comfort in the thought, it also makes me incredibly sad because it reminds me that others are going through this misery too. And I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Praying for you.

CM said...

I'm praying for strength for your wait, too! For all those who wait to live out their vocation to the fullest.

JellyBelly said...

I'm right there with you!!! Praying for you!!!

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

J. Wow. This is so simple, yet so touching. It broke my heart for you. Thank you for sharing, and please know we're all lifting you in prayer.

matchingmoonheads said...

praying along with you...

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Praying for you! This was beautiful. You are beautiful, your heart is beautiful, we are so blessed to be able to read your reflections. Thank you!

Sarah said...

No, you're not alone even when it feels like it. Praying for you!

Lauren @ Magnify the Lord with Me said...

No, you are not alone. I know it feels like it, but we are storming Heaven's gates for you!!!

Ania said...

Hello,
I"m new to following, but relate to this so perfectly! You're not the only woman...I am one too!

I'm thankful to slowly be finding a good support system on here. Thank you for sharing.

-Ania

Women for All Seasons said...

I just want to add that you're in my thoughts and prayers, too. And you help me feel not alone!
-January