Thursday, October 27, 2011

Broken down/lifted up all in one night.

I don't know what it is but this week, I have been on pins and needles and everything seems to make me cry: commercials, songs, people, quotes, happy stuff, sad stuff, scary stuff, the potential of the Rangers winning the World Series for the first time ever, getting hugs, etc...

I'm not PMSing so I'm a bit confused.

Thankfully it's not just sad tears, mostly it's tears of joy or tears or hope or tears of happiness.

I'm a pretty passionate/sensitive person to begin with but this is a little bit much, even for me.

Well, one night this week my husband and I just talking about random non-IF related stuff and laughing and enjoying just hanging out at home with one another.

Then, slowly it started turning into IF related stuff and I just broke down and said, "sometimes I feel like I have to hold back my fears, sadness and hurt from you because you seem so sure and so confident and I don't want to bring you down!"

Of course after this statement was made I broke down into a million tears...out of nowhere.

My poor dh.

He's so amazing.

I went on to tell him that I love his support and confidence but that sometimes, just sometimes it would be nice to hear that he was indeed hurting over this also.

It was a loooong conversation with lots of tears and laughter and understanding.

We are both on the same page.

In the same boat.

I ended our conversation by saying, "I just need you. You are amazing and I need you always to be there. I need your strength to help me when I am feeling scared and not so strong. I just need you."

He hugged and kissed me and we wiped our tears and headed to bed.

Then while we were in bed...seemingly ready to fall asleep after such an emotional ride, he leans over and says that he wanted me to listen to a song, a song that made him think of us. He said he wanted to play it because it expressed just how he feels, even though there are times he has trouble expressing it in words.

So, he played the song.

And I cried.

Shocking! ;)

But the song was so beautiful and such a wonderful reminder that he and I, no matter how we handled the stress and hardship, were in this boat together and that we needed one another.

I need him.

He needs me.

Man oh man am I blessed to have such an incredible, amazing, wonderful blessing...

He's the best.

Here's the lyrics to the song by the way:

Griggs Andy
"She Thinks She Needs Me"

She thinks I walk on water
She thinks I hung the moon
She tells me every morning,
"They just don’t make men like you"

She thinks I’ve got it together
She swears I’m as tough as nails
But I don’t have the heart to tell her
She don’t know me that well

She don’t know how much I need her
She don’t know I’d fall apart
Without her kiss, without her touch
Without her faithful, loving arms
She don’t know that it’s all about her
She don’t know I can’t live without her
She’s my world, she’s my everything
And she thinks she needs me

Sometimes she cries on my shoulder
When she’s lying next to me
But she don’t know that when I hold her
That she’s really holding me, holding me

She don’t know how much I need her
She don’t know I’d fall apart
Without her kiss, without her touch
Without her faithful, loving arms
She don’t know that it’s all about her
She don’t know I can’t live without her
She’s my world, she’s my everything
And she thinks she needs me

Yeah, and the funny thing is
She thinks she’s the lucky one

She don’t know how much I need her
She don’t know I’d fall apart
Without her kiss, without her touch
Without her faithful, loving arms
She don’t know that it’s all about her
She don’t know I can’t live without her
She’s my world, she’s my everything
And she thinks she needs me

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Pumpkin carving fun

Tonight marked the 3rd annual pumpkin carving fun with my brothers and their others.

This year, like the year before last, was with just my younger brother and SIL since we live minutes from one another.

And even though it was technically day 2 of my "get healthy" regiment...I maybe had one too many cookies my SIL brought over...and possibly had some delicious fall beer (yum-o Oktobe.rfest!) but I did walk a couple miles today and well...all in all...

it was a great night!

Here's me and my Dh's pumpkin-anyone know what it means?! ;) If so, you ROCK! :)

I heart good times that consist of: sitting on the back porch with the twinkle white lights on, the old country music playing, the fall weather slowly creeping in, the friends that are actually your amazing family, the yummy seasonal beer flowing, the traditions continuing and the good times happening...

"Let what you love be what you do."

Monday, October 24, 2011

Day one of get healthy.

Yes, today is day one, of my little "get healthy" thing. I have tried many times and failed.

In fact, a couple months ago when I was biking and doing P90X, I thought surely I would continue on and stay on a healthy path because I knew just how important it was for not only my whole self, but for my fertility as well.

But then, I stopped P90x (shocking, I know) and stopped biking and started back up with sodas, energy drinks, coffee, junk food etc.

Whatever sort of benefits I gained from that working out disappeared quickly.

I did attempt to run at one point a couple months ago, but then a dog tried to eat me and it scared me into not wanting to go out again. Okay, maybe he didn't try to eat me, but he did run up to me and bark and growl and scare the heebie jeebies out of me!

So yeah, working out was put on the back burner and I didn't care.

The thing is though, I am not just trying to get healthy physically, no, I am trying to get healthy physically AND spiritually AND mentally.

The spiritual aspect is off and on. I will say, that during prayer buddies this past time I was praying my rosary nearly every single day, and it felt amazing. I had never accomplished this before and was proud.

But then prayer buddies ended, and so did my rosary praying, a lot like my working out had disappeared also.

That was until yesterday.

I was feeling in a sort of a funk and realized it was because 1)I felt fluffy 2) I wasn't feeling confident 3) I felt like my prayer life was lacking 4) I knew I was being lazy.

My husband and I went on a 3+mile walk yesterday after lunch.

And it felt great.

Then, before bedtime, we prayed the rosary together.

And that felt great.

Then, we did something we haven't done in years.

He read his book and I read my book in tv last night.

And that felt great.

So, yes...I'm working on getting healthier because I know that I NEED to be healthier. My emotions and confidence have been going SOO HIGH and then SOO LOW lately that I knew that I needed to change.

And so I am.

Here goes to being physically healthier, spiritually healthier and mentally healthier!

Now...time to go stretch because my whole "walk a mile run a mile" thing I just did is making my legs feel like I ran 5 miles! ;)

"Believe you can and your halfway there."

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Top three chores I dont like

1) Laundry
2) Mopping
3) showers or bathtubs...I'd rather clean a toilet!
And even though I only asked for last one doesn't really count because I never really clean them, but it's still a contender! ;)
-Cleaning the fans

What about you?


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

CD1: But feeling closer to God than ever

This cycle has been SO wonky and unpredictable. First off, my alleged ovulation occurred about a week after it should have ideally (ha, whatever that means) and then I had the loooongest cycle I have had in longer than I can remember, 38 days.

I woke up this morning, rather early, for a restroom trip and realized that I had started. My usual feeling/emotion/reaction is sadness, my soul feeling crushed, my body feeling defeated yet again. I usually fall instantly into a deep shadow of sadness and bitterness.

But today, I was thankful that my period was there and on it's own. I was thankful that my husband and I were able to "start over" and try again with this brand new cycle. I was thankful for my husband and his support.

These feelings are not what I normally feel and as I went to crawl back into bed all I could think about was how close I felt to God at that very moment. How even though I had completed the Saint Gerard Novena without a pregnancy occurring or that even though I pray every day for the intercessory prayers from Blessed John Paul, our former amazing beautiful Pope, and still have yet to experience a BFP, I felt their prayers.

And then, still feeling rather half out of it from the sleep, thoughts of my Grandpa came rushing over me. I felt a sense of peace and comfort from him. I thanked God at that very moment for him, because I know he's in heaven and he is praying for each of the family members. And I especially felt his prayers today, this CD1, oddly enough.

AND then...a flood of tears came rushing through my half opened eyes and foggy mind.

Today, is the 2 year anniversary of my grandpa's death. It was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced in my life. I've mentioned it before but I'll say it again, he wasn't just my Gp, he was the man that raised my brothers and I, because his own son decided not to be a parent when we were very young. It was like losing a Gp and a father that day. I will never forget the emotions and the daze that followed that horrible day. There are some days that it feels like it could have never happened and that we'll see him soon and then again there are days that feel like it has just dragged by.

Of all days for this CD1 to fall on, really late in my cycle, after novenas and falls on this anniversary and I couldn't feel like it was meant to happen that way. I feel so much strength, courage, peace, hope and happiness-something rarely (if ever) felt on the first day of my cycle.

I know that my Gp is up there praying for us and interceding for us and that brings me so much joy.

The feeling that I am feeling in regards to my Gp, the saints and those passed is overwhelming and such a beautiful reminder that the power of prayer is real and is there.

I should be falling apart and feeling depressed at this moment-the moment where I am still reading those pregnancy announcements, that extra room is not a nursery, where my cramps are screaming to me, "NOT pregnant again!" and another cycle has come and gone without our miracle occurring...but instead I am JOYFUL, HOPEFUL and TRUSTING in our Lord.

Timing is everything you guys, and today is another example of that.

I'm so thankful for all the prayers!!

Prayer is POWERFUL.

Speaking of prayers...I wanted to add that we have another person joining us on The Island. I've mentioned her once or so before and she is an amazing and faithful woman. She is married to my baby brother (I'm lucky to call her sister!) and they have been struggling to conceive for awhile now. I have encouraged her to join this amazing community of bloggers because I just know that the power of prayer has a lot to do with 1)the number of those that have been able to leave this crummy IF island and 2)the strength in the waiting for those still on this island. It's a bittersweet feeling that she is joining this community but I just know that good things will come from this for her! So, if y'all wouldn't mind...please go and give One Joyful Day the warm welcome she deserves! You ladies are great!

Prayer is powerful!

It really is, I mean I'm actually smiling and hopeful on this CD1.

And it most certainly has nothing to do with me being that strong of a woman-nope, it has to do with some pretty amazing people praying for me.

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." (Eskimo Proverb quotes)

Monday, October 17, 2011

Hot flashes, long cycles, the game plan and a thanks.

I don't know what it is but it seems that during the second half of my cycle I get hot flashes on and off. It's almost as if I'm taking clomid again even though I am not. Anybody have any clues as to what the heck this may mean?! I was going to but when I went to search I freaked out because I was worried something else may be wrong and I just wasn't so sure I could take it. So, any idea ladies?!

Now not only am I worrying about these hot flashes I am also worrying about loooong cycles. Before my wedge resection surgery last July, my periods were all over the place...sometimes they wouldn't come for months-just another joy of PCOS. Well, thankfully immediately following the surgery my periods were normal...28-30 very predictable. I have noticed in the last couple months they have gone as long as 32 days even. Well, this month I am at CD37 and freaking out because I don't want my body reverting back to pre-surgery crumminess. Does this happen? Does the surgery lose effect after so long? I did test a couple days ago, thinking this would bring on CD1 because that's what usually happens, but no just got a BFN and here I am still waiting. I will say, I did jot down on my phone that I was still seeing some ok mucus on the 3rd, so it's possible that I'm (allegedly-grr PCOS) ovulating later than normal...which would mean I'm right on track to start any day. I just want my period to start already because freaking out that my body is just reverting back to it's old ways...

And seeing as this freaks me out, my dh and I have decided to start back with the doctor's visits and with being a bit more aggressive with this TCC. We are coming up on 4 years and I really want to be doing something proactive before that time rolls around. My first thing, I'm going to call up the local NAPRO doctor in our area and schedule an appointment. I need my regular woman's checkup and also am hoping he knows something about fertility stuff. Either way, I just want to meet with him because we are going to start charting back up SO THAT we can hopefully start working with Doctor H in Omaha. I haven't even "gotten on the waiting list" or whatever it is...I just remember lots of you guys mentioning that I need to three months of charting first and that there's a long wait, so that's why I'm going to start charting now. So yeah, that's our game plan. I feel good about starting (again) and hopes that maybe this time I'll be seeing more than just BFNs.

Okay- and lastly, I just had to say thank you for all of the sweet comments for my last post. It was the craziest thing, I was messing on FB and saw 3 more preggo announcements and my heart just felt so alone. That's what prompted the post because I knew that even though, at that very moment I felt alone, I was not. I am so thankful for each and everyone of y'all and love the new people coming out and commenting. Thank yall!!

So, in a nutshell:
-Why these hot flashes?
-Why this long cycle?
-Charting and Dr. H advice

Hope you all have had a great weekend and an even better week!!

"Just because today is a terrible day doesn't mean tomorrow won't be the best day of your life. You just have to get there."
(Found on my addiction-Pinterest)

Friday, October 14, 2011

I am not the only woman.

I am not the only woman who feels in her heart of hearts that she is called to be a mommy even though she cannot choose when that moment may be.

I am not the only one whose heart melts with excitement seeing her husband holding a baby and at the same time it breaks because she never imagined the wait and not knowing would hurt this badly.

I am not the only woman who counts of her cycle even though she prays of the day that she "suddenly" realizes she is late and pregnant.

I am not the only woman whose chest feels like a massive weight is placed upon it when she reads another pregnancy announcement on facebook...or from a family member...or from a friend...or from anyone really.

I am not the only woman who has to fake it when someone asks "how are you?" or "when are y'all going to have children?"

I am not the only woman whose soul feels crushed when another CD1 rolls around and you have to tell your sweet, supportive husband, "not this month."

I am not the only woman who has had to take medications that give her hot flashes like a menopausal woman, or who has had to take shots and pills to hopefully make things "normal."

I am not the only woman who has had to have a surgery exploring her lady parts and then having to spend weeks recovering.

I am not the only woman who looks at that extra bedroom dubbed, "the one day nursery" and has to try everything in her power to hold back tears because it is not yet the nursery.

I am not the only woman who, upon hearing a pregnancy announcement goes, "were they trying? how long? were they not trying? how old are they? how long have they been married?"

No, I am not the only person who feels she is not living what she knows she is and has been called to be...a mother.

But some days, I certainly feel like it...

Praying for strength in the waiting.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Hair twiddler and not thinking about what cycle day I am on...

Twiddling my hair.
I have done this since I was a little girl.

I do it when I am calm.
I do it while driving.
While talking to friends.
And especially when I'm nervous.

Normally, I don't even realize that I am doing it-that is unless someone points it out. But tonight, during the Rangers' game (oh my goodness...11 innings, Napoli scoring and then Cruz hitting another homer!!!!), well, during a commercial break, I went to use the restroom and laughed at the sight that I saw when I looked in the mirror. My somewhat perfectly placed bun-that had started on the top of my head, looked like this:

Lol-I'm such a mess!! I guess that long string of hair sticking down is what I managed to work out of my bun so that I could twiddle my hair. ;)

Other than the Ranger's leaving me sitting on the edge of my seat during these games, I've been trying to not think about what cycle day I am on. And really, I've been doing a good job and haven't thought about it too much until today. I guess since we're taking a break from docs and meds, the hope isn't as loud as if I were being monitored with sonograms and taking meds to help. But, while not thinking about what cycle day I was on I realized that CD1 should be here any moment. And most of us all know that feeling, right before CD1 appears...the moment where even though it's never gone the other way you are and thinking it could possibly go either way because well...we are always OPEN to trying.

Yeah, so this is me not thinking about what CD I am on. Geez, I just wish my period would happen without me realizing that this is when it is suppose to come.

"Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down." (Charles F. Kettering)

Monday, October 10, 2011

My biggest blessing

Yesterday, we had a joint birthday party for my dh and I at his parents' house. It was awesome having both my family and his family there. We both left feeling very, very blessed.

The quote of the day was when my MIL was talking about how wonderful my dh is and how God put him and I together and nephew goes:

"What if Aunt FMTP never married Uncle Awesome?!" WHAT if she married Dion Sanders?!?!"

We all just laughed! :)

Anyways, today is my DH's actual birthday and he is truly my biggest blessing. I thank God everyday for him and his love and devotion.

So blessed.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

I'm going out with my boots on

Heading to the Tay.lor Swift concert at Cowboy's stadium tonight with my MIL, two of my SILs and my sweet niece...

But not without keeping close tabs on THE RANGERS! Yes, I did paint my nails with this on it:


Friday, October 7, 2011

Picture post: Fall addition

I love Fall so much.
The cooler weather.
The changing of the leaves.
The anticipation of the holidays.

So, in preparation for this new fall weather (ie: NOT 100 degrees out), I finally decorated around the house. I will say, after I decorated around the house the other day, it was still a bit warmer than I would have liked so I pumped the ac down to about 70 and lit my fall candles and snuggled under a blanket as I pretended it was chilly out.

Here's some of the decorations around our home:
I revamped this little section of our bar by adding fall ribbon to the lamp and some other little fall decorations ( many times can I say, "fall" in this post?!):

Here's our mantel:

I love this a lot. I finally was able to use some of those thrift store mason jars that I have been collecting. I replaced the three big pillar candles that normally sit on our coffee table with these:

Somehow, our front door wreath managed to not get damaged while it was packed away...I made this last year:

And here I replaced my "summer" decorations on my homemade coffee filter wreath with some fall stuff I used last year:

And although this has nothing to do with fall and more to do with my love of thrifting and revamping things on a bargain, here's a .99 cent sheet I found at the good ol' thrift store and put up as curtains to replace the old dark ones we had in the living room:

And the final photo...the random one of the bunch, because it wouldn't be a real picture post without at least one random photo! ;) Here's what happens if you get a spray tan but don't pull down the little booties you are suppose to wear:

The end and goodnight! :)

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns." (George Eliot)

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I'm alive...

I've just been busy!

Best birthday weekend and then day and now week! :) My husband has been amazing! I plan on doing a picture post of all the festivities soon.

Also, although I have already emailed her...I wanted to mention to the world (the blogging world that is!) that I had the privilege of praying for Jeremiah...and for the second time! I told her that God must really want me to keep her and her beautiful family in my prayers!

The amazing thing about prayer buddies this time was that I had a strong calling to pray my rosary for Jeremiah and all her intentions. The thing that was different for me was that I do not pray the rosary but once a week but here I was feeling a strong calling to pray the rosary So, not only did I have the honor of praying for her, she also helped me with my prayer life! I did miss a few days, but that's it...I am hoping to keep praying my rosary as much as possible because I really feel like it helped to keep me anchored. So, Jeremiah...thank you! You helped me without even knowing it.

I also wanted to say a big THANK YOU to HE adopted me first for praying for me! Thank you!! I am still in awe that someone who has never met me before is willing to offer up prayers for me. So beautiful. AND, I received my bracelets in the mail are too sweet, thank you!!!

Anyways, this post is going to have to end with this because I'm in the middle of making 50+ invites for my in-laws 40th anniversary celebration, and a list of other things...

I've felt so beyond blessed lately, even in the midst of all the busyness, and am so grateful for each and every blessing in my matter how big or how small.

"Enjoy this moment. For this moment is your life."