Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Part of the pregnant crowd.

This past Saturday I attended a baby shower for a friend.

My FIRST shower as a pregnant woman.

It didn't even dawn on me the significance the shower was until I was getting ready to leave for it.  As I was putting on my last swap of mascara, I started to get all teary eyed and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I was actually enjoying getting ready for this shower because two things were missing: bitterness and sadness.

You see, in my 5 years of marriage and being open to life, and then of course struggling, I had told myself that no matter what, if it was a good friend, I would go to their shower because they deserved that much.  Sure there were times where I would be getting ready and tears would stream down my face from the sadness and the unknowing if I would ever attend a shower of my own.  Then there were times where I would be getting ready and just be down right mad...filled with bitterness.

There were times that during the smiles and nods of the baby talk ever flowing, I would excuse myself to use the restroom and as I would shut the door, I would breathe a heavy sigh, tears filling my eyes, doubting my own strength.

Somehow though, God always gave me the strength to smile through the pain and support my friend's during those precious moments of their lives...the joyful anticipation of their new little ones.

God gave me that strength because I know for a fact I couldn't have done it on my own.

So, getting ready for the shower this past Saturday was quite different,  as tears were filling my eyes I realized they were tears of joy and excitement because for once, I would not feel quite so left out.

Or so I thought.

At the shower, the baby talk was in full force and as I have experienced in the past with other showers, just about everyone there was either 1)with a young one or 2)pregnant.  In fact, the number of preggers at this shower was astonishing!  The reason I know this was that one woman asked just how many, and for those of us to raise our hands if we were pregnant.

Like a fish out of water (does that saying even work?!  Oh well, in my mind it does! ;)), I nervously raised my hand among all the other pregnant women.

In my mind I felt like an impostor, like I was doing some wishful thinking and just wanting to be part of that "preggo crowd."

But I wasn't an impostor.

I was pregnant.

And a couple of the ladies around asked me questions about how far along, what do I think we're having, etc...and I answered them, and at first I was nervous but then I relaxed and was actually smiling and laughing and enjoying it.

What a difference from just about every other baby shower I have ever attended in the last 5 years.

Now, I know that there are some that can't attend baby showers because the pain is too much, and I don't judge that at all...there were many times that I thought, "there is NO way." but for me, it was a personal challenge, and something I really wanted to do.

Sure, I felt like an impostor and a bit like an outsider at first but then slowly, but surely I warmed up to the conversations and questions and it felt

Still in awe that we are pregnant, 15 weeks at that, and that I am actually able to attend baby showers or functions with lots of little ones and feel emotionally stable and happy to be there.

Although it's taken 5 years, it feels like it's happening so very fast.

Which sounds odd to write, but it does feel like that at times.

Wow...15 weeks, and in a couple more weeks we will find out if this precious miracle is a little lad or a little lady!

See, it's happening very fast.

Now, if only Fall would get here fast...I'm so ready for leggings, cardigans, tall boots, fall decorations, spiced candles, and cooler weather...

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do." [Eleanor Roosevelt]


Ania said...

I have yet to attend a baby shower pg, but did visit a friend and newborn last week. As I walked through the baby aisles at target I felt like an imposter too, but was so thankful to finally not be crying.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

:) It's sort of "culture shock" isn't it! Soon enough it'll be your own shower!

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog for a long time, and I just have to say I am so happy for you :) You have been such a witness to true faith, and this sweet baby is lucky to have you for a mama! God bless!

Isaiah 55:8-9 said...

It is kind of weird - I wasn't pregnant, but having 2 baby showers for me was totally surreal. And like Ania said, I used to just stare past the kid sections in stores, it was so painful. Now I'm like, "oh look at this cute thing!" So happy you were filled with joy during this shower!

And yes, hurry up fall!! I'm ready for pumpkin EVERYTHING. :)

alison said...

culture shock is right! you are pregnant...and super good for you for sucking it up at all those showers. you're right, that is a challenge and something that you won't regret. i'm sure all your friends appreciate it too and if they didn't, well, the souls in purgatory did, ha!

imusthaveprayedforpatience said...

Oh my gosh, I'm so ready for fall, too! That reminds me I need to take my preggo 7 jeans that I found on ebay to the seamstress to have them shortened.

I can't tell you how many baby showers I soldiered through during the last 4 years. They were all so hard. I haven't been to one since being pregnant, but I have been to the hospital to welcome new ones since being pregnant, and cooked meals for families with new babies since being pregnant, and it is so much easier now. All those showers, hospital visits, meals were like tiny deaths for me every time during the last 4 years. What a difference a pregnancy of your own makes. :) Praise God!

All in His Perfect Timing said...

SO VERY HAPPY for the joy you experienced going to this baby shower!!! It is a fun celebration when it is not tinged with bitterness or sadness from IF.
You did such a great job going to the baby showers before this one! I couldn't have handled it as gracefully.

Suzie-Q T-Pie said...

I know exactly how you feel . It still hasn't gone away for me that feeling of being an imposter. Even though it's been 4 months since Gemma was born I still feel like I belong in the if world. I'm glad you had a good time at the shower:) and I can't wait for the fall too ! Mmmmm pumpkin pie!

Faith makes things possible said...

So glad in not the only one who feels like this. I def agree with the whole "culture shock" statement. Seriously, each day it seems like there's more and more adjusting and realizing that this is really happening.