God gave us our time at the beginning...

My dh and I were lying in bed the other day chatting about nothing in particular. I guess my mind was wondering because he asked me what was up.

I told him about how I could not stop thinking about how we are so close to meeting our daughter, so close to meeting this little one who we have prayed for and missed for all these years.

We talked about our journey and how difficult and scary it was at times-not knowing when/how our family would grow.

The one thing we knew of was that we trusted that it would grow somehow-whether adoption or conception.

But that waiting and the not knowing...that was hard.

So unbelievably hard.

So hard that words could never do justice what it was like.

But then, my dh started describing how God gives couples time alone...just the two of them, and how most couples seem to get that time later in life, after their little ones are grown and moving out.

Then he said, "God gave us our time at the beginning of our marriage. And I know that our marriage is 100% stronger for that."

Hearing him say those words, of course, brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't agree more with what he said and the most amazing part about it is that, in the midst of talking about the pain of waiting and not knowing, he was seeing something beautiful...a gift from God...alone time that allowed him and I to grow and learn from.

He's always had such a great outlook on our IF struggle (which he said he'll blog about here at one point!!!)...sure he hurt and got mad, but his faith never wavered and he trusted.

He was definitely my anchor during months when I felt so lost or so down.

So, sure we didn't get a surprise honeymoon baby, or a BFP 6 months later after our first doctor's appointment, over 5 years ago...but what God has given to me, an amazing, faith-filled husband, is something I will always feel beyond grateful for.

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." [Mignon McLaughlin]

For all those still waiting...

We wanted to offer up a spiritual bouquet for all those still waiting...

Waiting on their precious families to grow, waiting on meeting their spouses or waiting on God to reveal his Will.

Like I mentioned in my last post, y'all have not been far from my mind this advent season and there are many other women feeling the same...

So, we come together in prayer, offering up spiritual sacrifices, for each and every person still waiting.

My prayers will most definitely continue beyond the advent season! Praying everyone has a safe, happy and joyful Christmas season!!!

Tears at Church today.

It was at Mass today, right after communion, right after I got back to my pew and moments after my little one gave me one big kick to my right rib, that I started to cry.

I cried tears of joy because of that kick I was feeling.
Tears of joy thinking that my daughter was nestled safe and sound within my womb.
Tears of joy thinking about how we are getting so very close to meeting that little one with the swift kicks.

Then, just as suddenly as the tears of joy came on, tears of sadness began to fill my eyes as I thought back to last Christmas when we found out that our first ever potential adoption turned out so very horribly.  I remember doing a lot of "faking it until I make it" around this time last year and the many many holidays before.

Oh the holidays mixed with IF...

Sure, I wasn't there anymore, thankfully, but I couldn't help but sit in that pew today, thinking about all those women, all over the world, that were still there. 

And that's when I really lost it.
The tears started flowing and all I could think of was that I knew of far too many women that would be sitting through the holidays, choking back tears because of IF.

That pain that I felt for so many years was the very pain that others were still experiencing.

Some, the pain is a new thing.

For others, the pain is something that they've experienced for far too long.

All I know is that as I sat in Church today, I prayed for all those that I knew were still waiting.

I prayed for y'all.

It's not lost on me that there are many of y'all still waiting.

There's honestly not a day that goes by that I don't offer up prayers for those still waiting.

After Mass, my dh and I stayed back for a moment and prayed some more for all those still waiting.  We talked about how we want this next year to be filled with MANY announcements of growing families...whether through conception or adoptions. 

I really am hoping that 2013 proves to be a good year...especially among all of you wonderful blogger buddies.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
[Elisabeth Kübler-Ross]  

Fingers crossed...

But, not holding my breath!

I'll believe when I see it!

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Blogging question!

I feel so silly that I can't figure this out...because obviously at one point I knew what I was doing, buuuut, can someone please tell me how to subscribe to other blogs?!

At one point there was a link to click at the top left that said "follow this blog" but not now!

I'm having troubles keeping up with new blogs that I want to follow because I go down my blog list and well, since I have subscribed to any new ones in forever, I keep forgetting to check!

Anyways, thanks in advanced for your help.

Now...off to clean up the disaster of a kitchen-I made sugar cookies with icing for dh to bring to work! Needless to say, there's quite a bit of flower every.where!!! Want the amazing recipe?! Here's the links for the Icing and the cookies! Enjoy! :)


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Low progesterone...

Ain't got nothing on my 33 week bump! ;)

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Progesterone.

I've been wanting to write a post about my progesterone in hopes that it will give hope to someone-because my progesterone has been less than stellar from the get go.

To begin, I was always told that they wanted to see a progesterone level of at least 11 to even consider the idea that I ovulated.  My numbers from the 4.5 years of being prodded and pricked have ranged anywhere from 4-12, usually around 5-7 though.

So, my monthly routine would often consist of me taking whatever meds the doctor prescribed (clomid, femera, hcg shots, prometrium, metformin, etc...) and then come in for an ultrasound series to see if I had a dominate follicle.  Prior to my surgery (ovarian wedge) in July of 2010, I had never seen a dominate follicle.  After my surgery, the medicine seemed to help and there were numerous times that a dominate follicle popped up during the sono.

Then, I would wait and go get my blood drawn however many days later to "see if I ovulated" and just about every.single.time I was told that my progesterone was too low and that there was no way I ovulated.  After hearing this, AF would show up not long after to reaffirm my not ovulating and we would put yet another cycle behind us.

But the thing is, I am realizing that even with a low progesterone read, it IS possible to get pregnant.  That's what happened to us.  My low progesterone number of 6.2 was a number that wasn't far from other readings that I had had in the past-you know, the times where I was told I hadn't ovulated-but it was my first lab draw at around 4 or so weeks pregnant.

Like I mentioned back in June, my old doctor was just going to "let us see what would happen" because surely with a low number like that I would miscarry (not his exact words but a close to it as you can get without saying it out front).

The point in all this?  My body does not produce progesterone worth a flip!  Even when pregnant!  I remember so many times reading other bloggers' lab results with their progesterone numbers being well over 20+ and yet still being told that it was low.

And yet, my low progesterone number of 6.2 did not keep me from being/staying pregnant.

Here we are, almost 33 weeks pregnant, and by the grace of God, the PPVI institute was willing to work with me and monitor my numbers throughout our pregnancy.

And just to give a better understanding of my progesterone numbers, here's where I've been throughout our pregnancy (if I'm missing a week it's because I forgot to write it down...eek!  I tried to be good about this though!!):

6/5 (4-5 weeks pregnant): 6.2
6/7: 8.6
6/12: 10.2
6/26: 14.7
7/10: 17.1
7/24: 21.1
8/6: 26.1
8/24: 33.2
9/10: 48.4
9/24: 57.3
****I have no clue where any of my October numbers are...all I do remember is that for some reason, that month, each reading was lower than the week before...and I freaked out of course.
11/8: 61.3
12/3: 69.4

And like I said, I'm missing some because when they would call with the results I would forget to write it down.  Overall though, my numbers aren't that great-even with 2 200mg progesterone suppositories daily and 200mg PIO injections 2X a week...my body just doesn't like to produce progesterone! 

I'm not just writing this out for me , so that one day I can look back and remember, but also, like I said, to hopefully give another PCOSer gal with stinky progesterone numbers a little bit of hope.

Because sometimes hope is all you've got when the going gets really tough.

I'm pretty sure most all of us know this by now.

I apologize if this post is all over the place and that overall it doesn't make the most sense, I just sort of word vomited out everything in regards to my progesterone.

I tried.

Now, off to organize bills (wahoo) and old mail that has been collecting on the desk...

“Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged men who kept on working.”
 

Prayers for Connecticut

I cannot not believe that this has happened...a school shooting...at an elementary school.

At least 27 dead.

Most of which are children.

Innocent children.

My heart breaks for all those lives lost today.

I'm in tears wondering how something so horrible could happen.

Today, let's all take time to say prayers for all those lives lost and their families.

"For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and all the whole word."

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My non-IFer friend's post about our wait.

I'm in beautiful tears after reading the post one of my non-IFer friends wrote.

You see, we've shared our story about our struggle and although there are quite a few that know a little of what we have gone through, I definitely wonder just how much my non-IF friends understand.

Until tonight, when a friend who has three sweet babies, all under three, who has been married nearly as long as we have, wrote a post about me.

And our wait.

And I cried.
Because even though she may not understand the pain fully-the way you could only ever understand if you had walked the road of IF-she sees that through our struggle, all these moments leading up to meeting our sweet little one has us seeing things from a different perspective than say, someone who hasn't had to wait .

Now, instead of trying to explain, I'll simply post what she wrote...

I have a friend named J. I went to her baby shower today.

J has long blonde hair like Repunzel and big blue eyes. She received lots of gifts today at her shower: pacifiers, handmade bibs, diapers.

But she also has a very special gift -- an uncommon gift -- one that took a long time to create.

It's the gift of perspective.

You see, J and her husband have been trying to get pregnant for four and a half years -- since they were but newlyweds. They visited many doctors, said many prayers, shed many tears -- week after week, month after month.

And then one night, to her surprise, she saw for the first time in a half-decade, a pregnancy test that said: pregnant.

Pregnant.

For many of us who conceive babies fairly quickly, it's easy to take this miracle for granted. Sure, we think babies are a gift -- but J. She knows.

She knows how many little miraculous things have to come together just perfect at just the right time to make the miracle of life. She knows what it's like to wait. And wait. And wait some more. And she knows that really, it's not up to us anyway.

And so she delights. Unlike any pregnant woman I've ever met, she delights in every movement, every pound, every morning sickness, every milestone. And her baby girl who is soon to be here is named after the very thing that kept J and her husband going strong these past five years: Faith.

As her faith grew, her Faith now grows — and what a reminder to us all.

Every child is a miracle.

Packages in the mail

This time of the year there's always a good chance that you'll receive at least one package in the mail.

Packages in the mail=always exciting.

Packages in the mail with things like this:

=So completely incredible.

I cried when I saw it and it was even more special coming from a sweet friend of mine IRL that had struggled to conceive their sweet little boy.

I cannot wait to see Faith in this because throughout all our years of struggle, she has totally been worth the wait!

Now, excuse me as I go wipe my tears from my eyes...


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Praise The Lord!!!!

At 28 weeks I had my one hour glucose test.

And I failed.

I was so worried I'd fail the three hour one also, especially because PCOSers are more susceptible to getting gestational diabetes.

I was so nervous and quite honestly, beating myself up pretty hard about it because I felt like my body was failing me yet again.

Through prayer and an amazing husband, I realized this was something I had zero control over and that we would cross that bridge when/if we got there,

Fast forward to today, almost 31 weeks....

I found out I passed with flying colors!!!!! I don't have gestational diabetes!!!!

Failed the first but aced the three hour! Praise The Lord!!!!

I'm quite relieved...in case you couldn't tell!

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