Roller coaster ride...just wish I knew when I could get off!

When you struggle with fertility you feel like you are on a constant roller coaster ride. The slow tedious "up" of the coaster feels like it takes forever and the anticipation of not knowing and feeling left out hurts. The "down" part is the part that is fun, full of hope, your trusting meter is at full compacity and you just know you can handle this.

But then you have another spout of "up" time and it sucks.

And it never ends.

Or at least you don't know when it will end.

And that part is hard.

I know that I am not the first person to compare IF with a roller coaster ride and I'm sure I wont be the last, but it seems the two fit so perfectly together.

You see, as I mentioned in a couple post back-I was having a not great day. I was feeling sad, defeated and bitter. Then yesterday I prayed and hoped and slowly started feeling at peace with everything and my trusting meter was so full and actually had a moment where I was excited for our future.

Then today hits and I read another pregnancy announcement on FB and I get kicked in the gut and realized that yet again, I'm taking that slow trek back up on this roller coaster called IF.

This particular couple was one of two couples that I know IRL that have struggled and they did IUI or IVF and now are expecting a boy in February. To each their own. I know that even though they don't have the same beliefs as us in regards to fertility treatment, it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt that I'm feeling left behind yet again.

I just got that overwhelming feeling that I was being left in the dust by everyone-those that don't have to try, those that do, etc...

I was feeling pretty down and my husband suggested that we both get off FB for awhile...so I think that's what we'll do. I know it'll help. Damn you FB.

Him and I worked out together and that helped tremendously. Gotta love those endorphins-they're real!!

And now I have my hair all curled, fun makeup on and snazzy red shoes on because I'm off to celebrate a girlfriend's birthday with dinner and margaritas (I'm posting a picture because I'm pretty proud of my hair...I just learned how to curl it like this-I have board straight hair):


Life goes on and I just keep reminding myself to not let "comparison steal my joy." and really, when I remind myself of this (umm...think like 50 majillion billion gazillion times a day) it helps. I can't forget the many blessings in my life.

God has great things in store for us.

He's got great things in store for all of us still waiting.

Here's clinging to that hope and not letting go of that trust.

"In all things it is better to hope than to despair." (Van Goethe)

Dinner party success.

Thankfully my funk that was following me around on Saturday slowly started to disappear and I am now feeling a bit better. Still twinges of sadness and bitterness, but I'm offering them up for my prayer buddy in hopes that some good can come from this.

Moving on...

So, what about this dinner party success?! Well, my husband really wanted to have his parents over for dinner especially since it's been quite a few months that we've been in our new home. We planned a few weeks ago for yesterday and my dh wanted the menu to be a surprise. The menu, a German feast. Which I've made one other time about a year or so ago, but that was just for my dh and I so this time I knew it would take a bit more time with the four of us.

Well, the four of us turned into 5 when we realized that his older brother would be leaving for school (he's in the seminary!:)) this week and was still at home so of course we would invite him along as well.

But then we realized that my husband's other sister, husband and nephew usually head over to his parents on Sundays for dinner also, so we decided to invite them as well.

So now our dinner party of 4 was a dinner party of 8.

And I wasn't just making a casserole or throwing some chicken in the oven, I was making this German feast. I thought about changing the menu but my dh was so excited about this and was bragging about how delicious everything was going to be...

All I could think of was, "Wow...no pressure!"

Anyways, they were scheduled to come over at 7 and so I started prepping around 5 thinking I would have more than enough time. I'm working on preparing the spätzle because I knew that would take the longest. Well, one thing led to another and I was just about done with it and getting started on the Pork Schnitzel and the doorbell rang.

It was already 645 and there I was in the kitchen with no bra on, no makeup done and a messy bun piled on the top of my head. I thought surely by then I would have everything started and then had time to get ready.

Oops...I'm cooking for 8 not the usual 2...

Anyways, I rushed off to throw on a bra and a swipe of some mascara. I mean I don't really think it's appropriate for me to be bra-less in a tank in front of my seminarian brother in law, who was the first to arrive!

Thankfully my husband helped me bread the Schnitzel and I had everything else ready to go. All I had to do was cook it-which with two pans and 12 pieces, well...it took longer than expected but we all sat down and enjoyed a nice dinner together and everyone seemed to like it.

My favorite part of all of it-seeing how proud my dh was of me and how proud he was to have his family over at our home for some food and fellowship.

Anyways, this story isn't that grand, but I was mighty proud to have accomplished this so I thought I would share. Besides, I was ready for my last post to not be at the top anymore.

Thanks for the kind words by the way. Also thanks for the reminder that there are times where things just aren't pretty and you have to let it out. Life is most definitely not all lollipops and laughter...there's bee stings and stubbed toes also!

Hope y'all are having a wonderful Monday!

"The best thing to hold onto in life is each other." (Audrey Hepburn)

It's raining and it's dreary...

Which is a good thing because we haven't seen rain here in so long and we are finally not over 100 degrees.

So this is a good thing.

But then again it's not such a good thing for my spirit.

I have been doing great all month. Feeling pretty happy, hopeful and celebrating little victories here and there.

And then yesterday hit.

CD3.

Nothing new to report...except for the fact that aside from being a little emotional my husband told me that his best buddy from work and his wife had their baby yesterday.

A sweet beautiful, healthy baby girl.

This is a blessing.

But for some reason...it hit me like a ton of bricks...like a swift kick in the gut.

It hurt.

Aside from me being on my period and emotional and hearing this news, this was also from the girl who I frankly don't care for. She's not very nice and isn't very sensitive. She's the one that told me that "oh getting pregnant is so easy for us we don't have to try and that's so nice to be able to plan exactly the way I like things to be..." and "you should be pregnant with me so I am not pregnant alone." Of course she mentioned this in October of last year and then found out they were pregnant the next month because "she was planning on it and taking her vitamins and drinking water."

This woman knows we are trying. Granted she doesn't know how long we have been trying but she knows.

So, her lack of sensitiveness + my period = an emotional mess on my end.

Oh joy, what happened to me reminding myself, "Don't let comparison steal your joy"...I'm trying.

It's just not working.

Granted last night when my dh told me the news, I felt pretty terrible inside but I put on a front that I would be fine and whatnot.

Then this morning I woke up feeling in a funk and then the weather was feeling rather dreary and well...I sort of lost it emotionally.

I decided that I would make a nice breakfast for my dh and I because even though I was feeling down I was going to try and move forward and not let this get the best of me.

But then I went to set the table and when everything was out I went to set down the strawberries and dipping sauce and the sauce slipped and knocked over the vase of flowers spilling water everywhere and the sauce spilled onto stuff and my place mats were soaking and I lost it.

I was a big ol' baby and when my husband walked out I tried hard not to show the tears but when he saw the mess and saw my face he thought maybe I had gotten hurt.

Needless to say, I had to go to a room and be alone.

I have to be alone when I have my little emotional breaks.

Bless his heart, he's amazing and supportive all the while I'm crying over spilled milk water.

I hate that emotions can get the best of you at times.

I hate that one day you can be feeling good and hopeful and grand.

And then one day you lose it over stupid stuff.

I've got to get my sh*t together. I'm better than this and my dh deserves better than this.

So prayer buddy, if you read this please pray that my anxious heart calms the heck down and that I'm able to offer up this little funk and not lose focus of the blessings in my life.

Oh life.

Update on the baby making subject

This past month I decided that I wasn't going to take any medications (ie:Clomid or the trigger shot) but would still go in for my day 14 sonogram to see what was happening in this little ol' body of mine.

Well...I went in on day 14 to have my sonogram to see what my ovaries were doing (sans medicine so I wasn't expecting much) and low and behold my right ovary had a great size-20x21.

For me this was huge, I have PCOS and have NEVER produced anything on my own without the help of meds...

The nurse asked if I wanted to do the trigger shot. I of course said no.

I was sort of in shock that my body did something on it's own and the way it was suppose.

Big high five to that right ovary.

Well, needless to say with work schedules and all the craziness that is life, timing might not have been perfect this month (if I had even ovulated that is) and so I wasn't expecting much. Just trying to hold on to the good news that my ovary was doing something right.

Fast forward to today...CD1.

Cramps.

Bloating.

The whole nine yards.

But I wasn't devastated like I normally am.

No, today I felt sort of like you feel when you are outside and it's bright and sunny and there aren't many clouds but for a moment there's rain drops-kinda confusing.

Yeah, so I was feeling kinda confused. I wasn't happy because well...it was CD1.

But, I wasn't sad because my body did something this month that it has never done before.

Baby steps.

So, we've decided that we are going to take a couple months off before looking for a new RE because this current doctor wants me to meet his doctor (ie: IVF or IUI) and that's something that we have personally chosen not to do.

We are praying that during this couple of months off from meds (um, hello my body might not even need them...or was this just a fluke month!?!) and then praying that the God leads us to the right doctor.

It's quite refreshing knowing that I'm not going to have 1.2354345 billion doctor's appointments this month and that I don't have to get hot flashes from clomid (hello, I live in TX...I get hot flashes withOUT the help of meds!) nor pay an arm and a leg for the meds.

Who knows, we may just relax ourselves into pregnancy-hahahaha...we know how well this works, ladies! A girl can hope though, right?! ;) or just use this month to take it easy before pursuing the doctor's appointments again in full force next month or whenever.

One day at a time.

One month at a time.

Baby steps.

We are trusting God fully and leaning on him not only in the bad times but also rejoicing in the good times (and those small baby steps). Our faith has us trusting and hoping beyond what I ever thought I could and for that I am grateful.

"Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do."

Love this.

I thought and thought about what I wanted to write and I was sort of stumped (nothing new nor exciting nor devastating occurring..or maybe too much happening and I don't know where to start!) and thought I would post a picture. This picture is part of a picture I got from Pintre.st. Anyways, so I saw this and fell in love with the quote and wanted to share it with y'all because I think y'all will appreciate it as much as I have!


"Don't let comparison steal your joy."

I'm back: Quick takes

1)I can't believe it's been almost a month since I've posted...I definitely needed the break but missed sharing "too much" with all of you...

2)My husband and I finally have internet so guess what...I'm NOT typing this from my iphone with my fat fingers!

3) Although I haven't been commenting as much, I have been attempting to follow blogs...ALL have been in my prayers and thoughts...

4)Umm...the Texas heat reached (at least) 107 today...gotta love that heat. NOT. I'm a sweater.

5) I haven't mentioned much about IF but all I can say is that my DH has been the best support and the greatest friend I could ask for.

6) Although I had a blogger break, I kept up with FB and to be honest...my favorite part was seeing some of my IF blogger buddies post about their pregnancies...

7)I'm glad to be back! There's been so many times I thought about blogging but made myself stay away because I knew I needed the break. Glad to be back though...

Break time

I recently deleted my facebook app-which is the only way I check fb since ww don't have home internet at this time.

There were just too many preggo announcements/baby updates/cute preggo belly pictures.

It's been almost a week and this little break has been just what I needed.

I've also sort of taken a step back in blogging. I've started a few posts in the past few days but then deleted them.

The whole stepping back-if even for a moment-from blogging has to do with a few things:
-NOT because of any pregnancy announcements or baby talk...quite contrary, I find lots of hope in those!
-I've sorta felt at a stand still in regards to my IF...just waiting to find a new RE in hopes if making our dreams a reality.
-I've read a few blogs recently where people have sort of mocked other bloggers for talking about trusting in God's timing and hoping and whatnot. It's shocking to me-and I most certainly don't want to ever become bitter like that so I'm going to cling to my hope thank you very much.
-And similarly to the above, I've also read comments/blogs where people mock people for talking about their miracles..oh you know the ones they waited for and prayed for. I think that no one should ever feel bad about taking about their pregnancy/babies...never ever!!

I guess it just left a bad taste in my mouth for blogging-really I was just shocked like I mentioned because so far, for me the blogging world has been a place for comfort and support-not bitterness and judging.

Anyways, I really hope that I can jump back into blogging/commenting because I miss it when I'm gone-it's just that I guess I needed to step back, take a deep breath and relax.

Much like life-sometimes you just need to step back and breathe and relax. ;)

And once again THANK YOU SO MUCH for the encouraging comments last post-I'm in awe at the support and encouragement I receive here, sometimes I don't feel worthy.

Just know I'm praying for y'all each day-sometimes by name (real and blogger name!) and hoping that good things are happening for each and everyone of y'all.


"Sometimes we expect more much from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.

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