A person.

"A person's a person no matter how small."(Dr. Suess)

Still alive!

I've been in Maryland since Sunday and it's been great.

Busy but so much fun!!

It's been nice NOT thinking about fertility and doctor's appointments.

I'm feeling refreshed!

Im missing my dh and looking forward to seeing him on Tuesday though. This is the longest we've been apart since we've been married! And really since his last deployment in '06!

And boy oh boy does absence make the heart grow fonder!!

I'll update on my trip after I get back. I just wanted to let y'all know I'm still alive! ;)

"Always remember that the future comes one day at a time."(Dean Acheson)

When life hands you lemons...

Drink wine and cut your bangs (that you've been thinking about doing for far too long!) with two of your besties! :)

Yup...with CD1 in full force yesterday I decided I wouldn't let it ruin my day one bit.

So, I called up two of my girlfriends to come over for a impromptu wine night.

And it was filled with candles burning, delicious wine, lots of laughter, a few tears and girl talk out the wazoo!

Good thing my husband was working, I'm not quite sure he would have survived all the girl chatter! ;)

Girl's nights are good for the soul.

Yes indeed.

And now, I'm spoiled even more because my dh took off work tonight and he and I are going to cuddle up with a soft blanket and watch a movie.

Date nights in with your husband are good for the soul.

Yes indeed.

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. (Albert Schweitzer)

(another)CD1

I was 16DPO today and was going to test again.

And we all know what happens when an IF goes to test...AF arrives...instantly.

And that's what happened this month...I POAS and almost instantly AF arrived.

Well not quite like that but pretty much!

I'm actually holding in there also.

No tears, no angry words for God.

I'm just trusting.

And oddly enough on this CD1 and (3 year) anniversary month of TCC...I'm bursting with hope.

My time will come.

Just not this month.

And I'm actually looking foward to NOT driving in to the doctor's office tons this month for checkups, blood work, sonograms, etc..since I'm going to Maryland this Saturday up until the March for Life.

A month to take it easy-free of doctor's appointments and hot flashes.

We'll jump back on the TCC wagon next month-refreshed and full of hope!

I hope.

I'm praying for each one of you ladies and definitely appreciated yalls prayers for me-the help!

Heck...you want proof? Today is proof...I'm still bursting with hope in the middle of tampons and cramping! ;)

Thank you!!

"you gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot." (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Cycle update

Today is cycle day 29.

So of course this morning I tested. And it was negative.

I was sad but not devastated to the core to see the BFN-it's kinda the norm with me..especially since I test more than I should (ie:after I was told I didn't ovulate and my period was late so I thought maybe and tested...or the time my period had started but I wanted to be pregnant so bad that I convinced myself I was only "spotting" and tested...ha, yeah these are just a couple of the many times...).

I honestly don't know what I'll do when I actually see a BFP...cry? Shake? Sit stunned? Jump up and down? Pee myself? Scream?

Who knows?

I really was expecting my period to come yesterday since I'm fairly regular (26-28 days) but of course was more than excited that it didn't come.

Right now is the "ignorance is bliss" stage. The stage right towards the end of the 2ww where it could go either way.

Of course a sane person would say if one tested on CD29 and got a BFN then she's not pregnant BUT I am thinking "you never know..." because my period has yet to arrive.

So as of now, it's a waiting game. I know I talked about checking out this cycle when I got my crummy progesterone results but that hope crept back in and here I sit...cautiously hopeful.

Cautiously hopeful and boo.bs just now starting to get sore and still the slight cramping that I've had since around/after the alleged ovulation time.

Cautiously hopeful and offering it up (for the umpteenth time!!!)...

Hope.
Trust.
Believe.

Don't make fun of me...

But...we got our first snow of the season! You'll have to look really closely to see the glorious snowflakes...but they're there!!

And no...it didn't stick! But still, it was pretty great for North TX!! ;)

It's the simple things in life that we can't forget to celebrate-especially in the midst of difficulty...


"The happiest heart that ever beat Was in some quiet bre.ast That found the common daylight sweet, And left to Heaven the rest."(John V. Cheney)

Feeling better

Girls: this may not really come as a shock to you but....y'all have not disappointed...at...all!!

Every comment touched my heart and brought a few tears to my eyes-who am I kidding I never cry "just a few tears"...like ever! ;)

But seriously, thanks for your kind words and prayers....I was having a bit of an "emotional hangover" after that not so hot day but with lots of prayers and offering the suffering up for other people (y'all!!!), I'm feeling emotional hangover free! ;)

My heart is no longer hurting like a bad headache.

My soul no longer feels deprived of water (ie:hope).

Thank you for helping with that!

And Megan, thank you for commenting to anonymous comment-in the "heart not feeling so great and so my mind was feeling the repercussions making logical/serious talks a bit hard to do"...I was so thankful to see you had responded! Thank you!

You ALL rock and it's been such an honor to get to pray for y'all these last few days while I was in my funk.

I'm happy to report my mind, heart and soul are feeling refreshed and the thing I love more than most other things-hope-is sneaking back in.

And I love it.

Let's go hope!

Let's NOT go throwing in the towel when we're too emotionally weak.

Hope will win every time in my book. It may take me a few days or even longer at times to bounce back...but I'll always come back because I know God has given me it...

And I trust HIM.

And believe in HIM.

And so I hope.

“May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human enough hope to make you happy.”

3 year anniversary of TTC & bitterness

This month marks the 3 year mark of our "tcc journey" although we were never not trying...

At first I thought, "Ugh...anniversaries are suppose to be joyful and fun...not depressing and sad!"

But then I remembered that October 19, 2010 marked the one year anniversary of my grandfather's death and that did not make me feel too joyful nor like having fun.

So not all anniversaries are the good kind.

I know, I could look at the anniversary of my grandpa's death as a joyful occasion because he was such a good man, that I know he's in heaven.

That part I get.

The missing him part, not so much.

And I know I could even stretch the idea that this TTC anniversary is maybe not terrible because we've made so much progress (with getting diagnosed, finding good doctors, surgery, etc...).

But really it's hard to see that clearly when you are sitting amongst the sea of pregnancy announcements and glowing women. Grr.

Which leads me to this bitterness.

I've had issues with being bitter pretty much the whole time of this IF journey. I've prayed to God and begged him to help us to conceive and if that this month wasn't the month, then please don't let bitterness take over my heart and soul.

But from time to time, it creeps in...

Bitterness at the person who got pregnant without trying.

Bitterness at the person who got pregnant while trying.

And I hate that I feel these things.

I want to be truly be happy for my friends and family who get pregnant right when they want.

Because I don't want them to feel the emptiness inside that IF causes.

Is there any way to be truly happy for those around you when you are in a constant struggle?

I pray for there to be a way.

And I know God will continue to give me strength.

But some days are harder than others.

Like today...our "anniversary"...

and another F.book announcement...

and my heart still hurting a bit after the disappointing results yesterday...

Yup, it sucks.

But, I am so beyond grateful that more times than not I am full of hope and joy and eagerness for the future.

I'm glad that I don't always feel the way I feel today.

I'd so much rather be blissfully hopeful.

So tonight, I'm offering up these feelings for all of you girls. I pray that my suffering can help at least one you girlss in your journey-whether it be IF related or not.

"Hurt leads to bitterness, bitterness to anger, travel too far that road and the way is lost."

7.4

Yup...that was what my progesterone was.

I told the nurse that made me sad because, it was less than last months and this month I had taken more clomid and had gotten the booster shot.

She said that it's just a waiting game and that I shouldn't give up on this month just yet because she has seen women get pregnant with that and even lower.

But those levels are pretty low and so my hope for this month is dwindling...

This is what I walk by when I go to my doctor's office

I'm just saying...I like seeing this...an extra bit of encouragement before heading into the doctor's office.

I had blood work done today to check my progesterone and tomorrow I'll get those results.

I would lie if I said I wasn't anxious.

Because I am.

I have no idea how my body has responded to the upped clomid or the trigger shot.

And I'm not quite sure what I feel either way. On one hand my bo.obs are just fine and not sore one bit. On the other hand my lower back hurts and I'm having mild cramping.

Who knows?

Oh yeah...God does.

"Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway." (Mary C. Crowley)

NYE: epic emotional fail!

I am an emotional person.
I am pretty sensitive, also.
So this may not be so shocking to hear.

Yesterday I sort of woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Who am I kidding...I was turned around upside down and pretty much not on the comfy bed at all.

I was in a Funk.
A Funk with a capital F.

I got into a little argument with my dh about how miserable I was that he worked nights and how it was lonely spending holiday night without him.

Then I apologized for being sensitive because I knew if he could be there with me...he would.

While he was in the shower, I was looking on his phone for a picture his buddy sent and I saw something else:

His good buddy from work had texted him that he and his wife were pregnant.

I cried.

A lot.

This was the same couple who after we got our puppy, the wife told me, "puppies are good practice for if you want kids. This will be good for y'all to see if y'all can handle kids." And also, the same wife that, at their Halloween party, informed me that they were going to start trying soon so she started drinking lots of water and taking prenatal vitamins.

Dang...is that what we've been doing wrong these past three years...not enough water?!?

Sorry for the sarcasm, it was just a lot to take in.

So, after I composed myself and i prayed even harder for strength. And I prayed the Funk would go away.

Later, we got ready to head over to my brother and SIL's house for a NYE dinner and get together. I was super bummed that my dh wouldn't be able to stay for too long, but grateful that he was able to have dinner.

Right when we got there another couple was showing up also and after we got inside, she puts a puzzle on the table and says for us all to put it together.

I knew instantly what was about to happen.

I pulled my dh aside and told them they were going to announce that they were pregnant.

He told me not to read into too much.

But, you see...an IF girl has a great "a couple who hasn't been trying to get pregnant but did get pregnant and is now going to announce that they are pregnant" radar.

And of course that's what the puzzle said.

Shortly after, I excused myself to take a [pretend] phone call.

I had to get away and breathe and beg that God would give me strength not to cry or be hurt.

My dh came to check on me and as I turned I hit my head on the chandelier.

He smiled because Im sure I looked like a fool-talking to a pretend person on my phone and then hitting my head on the chandelier that I knew was there.

And.I.lost.it.

I stormed outside in tears because that's what any sane women would do.

And I cried.

I was failing miserably.

My dh came outside to comfort me. We discussed that it was indeed hard to sit back and watch as another couple announces they are pregnant.

I then cried because I was crying.

Crying because I felt like God was punishing us because I handled things so poorly.

My dh then informed me that because I prayed for strength, that most likely God was putting me in situations where I could learn to be strong.

Then I cried more because I was failing.

He told me I was stronger than I thought and that I needed to continue to pray for that strength.

So I wiped my tears and headed back in.

My SIL whispered, "I love you I love you I love you." She understood why I needed to excuse myself.

Then we all sat around the table and listened to the happy discuss how the baby was already making her nauseous. And with the pretty puzzle announcing their news as the center piece...

I had a moment to redeem myself for my epic fail:

Later in the night I ended up sitting right next to the happy preggo and this was our conversation:

HP (happy preggo): "so I hope your SIL wasn't upset that we said we're pregnant. I know they want to be pregnant and they're not." (she obviously had no idea about me and my dh's struggle but I thought maybe she was trying to be sensitive because my brother and SIL had been trying for almost a year now.)

Me:"I'm pretty sure she's ok and is happy for you guys."

HP:"Good because I don't understand why some people who struggle to get pregnant can be so sensitive when others, like us who don't have to try, do!"

Me: Awkward silence because I'm SHOCKED.

This conversation carries on with many more awkward statements and all I could do was sit in silence because i was fairly certain, if I spoke I would have said something I would regret.

Right then I realized that I was having another moment where I could learn to use that strength that I prayed so hard for.

And I was strong and I offered it up.

The rest of the night was great-aside from not getting to kiss my better half at midnight.

2011....I pray that our miracle will come and that our faith, hope and love continue to grow...

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."