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Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Even if I'm not thinking about fertility....

...I still manage to think about fertility!

Grr.

Seriously, this was suppose to be an off month. A month to relax and not think about fertility.at.all.

No medicines.

No shots.

No blood work.

No sonograms.

No charting.

No counting days obsessively.

Just "relaxing."

Not for this chick though.

The girl who over analyzes everything.

The girl who constantly has hope tucked away in her heart.

The girl who can somehow know exactly what day she is in her cycle without checking.

You see, while I was in Maryland for 11 days, I knew I couldn't go to the doctor and "use" this cycle because I wouldn't be getting home until CD16.

So, without the help of medicines and doctor's appointments, we knew this cycle would be a "relaxing, don't think about it-taking time off" cycle because it's been over 3 years of TTC and I need the help of all those things I listed above, that we weren't doing this cycle.

And to be honest. I actually was doing a great job of not thinking about things- although there have definitely been a few days here and there where I thought about it.

Until yesterday, when I woke up to, "Today is CD27 and even though I wasn't checking every time I went to the bathroom, I remembered seeing some pretty decent CM a few days after I got back which would mean it's almost been a week and a half since then and well...".

Oh boy, how my thoughts exhaust me.

I wish they would just, "SHUT IT" at times.

But then my husband shared his dream from that night: his first ever dream about us being at the hospital right after giving birth to our baby girl.

I, too have only ever had one dream about us having a baby (and I dream all the time), which I had a few months ago (best dream, hands down!) and it was with a sweet baby girl who had my Dh's ears!

So, here I am realistically thinking that this month's chances are slim but still somehow thinking, "well...maybe...you never know...God works miracles everyday."

P.S a huge CONGRATULATIONS to Kaitlin on the birth of Hannah Rose!!!

"Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?(Winnie the Pooh)




12 comments:

Julie said...

Gosh, I always dreamed of being surprised like that during our almost 10 years of TTC. Well, it took time, but I actually don't ever hope or think about it. I just dread getting my period becuase of the horrible pain.
Praying for you to have a miracle surprise!

matchingmoonheads said...

ha! i've literally tried to do the same thing and then my thoughts run away from me before i have a shot to yell "nooo!!!"
it will be ok. and if this is not the month, it will hardly be because you thought about it.
and yes, dreams about babies are the best. easily.

The IF Cross said...

I love baby dreams :) When DH has them, it really makes my heart ache!!! I'm trying not to think too much over here too...and it's not working so well for me either.

JellyBelly said...

IF is like that annoying song that you can't stop singing in your head!!!

And yes, baby dreams. Love it that your dh dreamt about your baby!

Nicole C said...

I love your hopefulness! Here's to hoping this is the month!!!

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

Oh, goodness! Here's hoping!

Mary said...

oh my, I over-analyze EVERYTHING. I despise it, but can't help it. I will pray for peace for you...and of course for other things, like a baby girl :)
A friend of mine had a dream that I had a baby girl and that definitely made my hopes increase - I used to have dreams I was pregnant... ah those ARE such good dreams...some day, dear blogger friend, our dreams will come true :) Hugs to you!

Little JoAnn said...

No, no, you will never stop thinking and dreaming until that precious little girl is in your arms. And, then you will never stop thinking: how did this happen?

Oh....I am praying for you right now...

Mrs. Henderson said...

I hear ya! I often ask myself what people who aren't infertile must think about? I feel like that is my constant thought.
Praying this is it for you!

Faith makes things possible said...

Glad to hear I'm not alone because there are times I feel like I'm going crazy thinking about all the "maybes and whatifs" of IF!!

Awaiting a Child of God:) said...

I might as well cut and paste this post on to my wall. I share with you every.single.one of these thoughts. You are not alone friend. I'm a bit crazy too:)

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

I hope your dreams come true-literally!

And thanks for the congrats!