I don't want to be disappointed...

Today I am CD35.
16DP(alleged)O.

I'm so confused as to why my cycle is this long this month...especially after our "relaxing" month.

I wasn't even suppose to worry because there wasn't even suppose to be any chance this month since I wouldn't be getting home until later in my cycle.

Yet here I am. Another beautiful and gorgeous day out...and no bleeding-I write so eloquently, don't I?!

Confusion out the you know what.

I tested probably last Thursday night (or was it Wednesday?!)-which was negative.

I didn't even cry though because once again, last month wasn't suppose to even really be a trying month. I just threw that [dumb] negative pregnancy test away and counted my blessings and began to anticipate AF's arrival.

I've been honing in on every cramp thinking, "These are definitely period cramps!"

But they go away and I just sit and wait.

Then waking up this morning-still anticipating AF's arrival-she hasn't made her grand entrance.

Here's my predicament:
-although this is my longest cycle in a long time, maybe a year, I have PCOS and so long cycles are expected-heck I use to have them all the time...which means a lot of hopeful POAS incidents where I was left disappointed.
-I wasn't monitored last month nor was I taking any medication and for me no medication equals no ovulation (usually) which means there's no way to know unless I have those sonos.
-I don't want to be disappointed again.

I really don't.

Like really, really, really do not want to be disappointed.

So instead of just taking a test and knowing, I'd rather be confused and anticipate AF's arrival?

Who am I?!

In the past I would jump at the opportunity to be a day "late" so I could joyfully test...

Only to be disappointed because like all IF girls know-a late period does not mean your pregnant.

Bottom line, I have already offered this cycle up to God and continue to trust in him and his timing (no matter how hard that can be at times) and so I am just sitting and waiting for AF to come...

Debating whether or not to even test.

How did I go from blissfully enjoying the month off to, "oh my, was that good CM?! Oh my goodness why am I so late?! Is there a chance?!"

And the cherry on top of all this anticipation? My gf, who's wedding I was in this past October just told me today they're expecting.

Not.
Going.
To.
Cry.

I need to be strong and happy for them.

Strong and happy and anxiously waiting and nervous and confused.

I need prayers girls.
I'm a ball of hot mess over here and it ain't pretty.

Thanks in advanced...