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Saturday, February 19, 2011

Overwhelmed.

My funk has continued to stay around and I can't seem to shake the empty feeling the has consumed my soul since cd1 started.

All I wish was that I could take a true vacation from the worries that come along with IF.

Crafting helps.

But only temporarily.

Hanging out with friends helps.

But only temporarily.

Watching a good movie helps.

But only...

Well, you get the idea!

I just wish I was able to truly relax and enjoy a month where I'm not IF-crazed. Please, God.

On a side note, this month looks like it's another "off" month because my doctor's office was closed by the time I tried call them-before the weekend and Monday will be CD5...too late to start up the clomid challenge and monitoring again.

Hmm...maybe it'll force me not to think about things.

Right...just like last month. The disappointment was still there after "not thinking about fertility and babies and charting and medicine..." and so I doubt this cycle will be any different....

BUT...

I'll still try.

I'll still hope.

I'm ending with a quote from the Former First Lady, Laura Bush, it definitely describes the pain of IF...

"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?".” (Laura Bush)




4 comments:

JellyBelly said...

We should go to infertile island together.

Is there any consolation that you aren't alone?

matchingmoonheads said...

yeah, i second that. you aren't alone. the only month so far (and it truly was a blessing) was when i literally couldn't see my husband so i KNOW i wasn't pregnant. and man, it was glorious. i thought i would be upset at not given the chance that month but i was really just very relieved at the break. i didn't realize how much everything had been affecting me until i was forced to step away.
so what does that mean for us in/subfertile? how can we ever 'permentantly get away'?
i'd like to think i learned a lot about my limits. i don't know how long i can realistically play this game.

Julie said...

I am sorry for what you are going through. I pray that God gives you peace of soul this month!

LOVE the quote by Laura Bush!!

Nicole C said...

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. I pray you're able to find peace!