Yeah, I bought this...

Here was my thinking in the store:
"I so cannot buy this pink mace...I'm not a 13 year old girl...but pink just makes me happy and if it's going to make me happy when I start my running up again, the why not? I can't buy this, I need to be practical and just buy the army green kind like an adult would do...but then again, it is the same price...well, actually holding it in my hand the pink will actually blend in more, so really, it's the logical choice."

When I got home my husband just laughed at me and said, "you would." ;)

I bought it because I've been wanting to start running again and thankfully the weather is slowly getting cooler. I say this, although it does call for a 98 as the high on Friday...but whatever.

My dh and I attempted P90.X for a couple weeks but unfortunately got burnt out on that and although I was biking, the heat was just too much.

So in comes the running. I want to start back again because 1)It'll make me healthier 2)I'll lose some of the fluff around my midsection 3) I know losing weight will help increase fertility-at least that's what the doctors say and 4)It just makes me feel better.

I would have started running last week but for some crazy reason, I've been thinking of all that bad (people or crazy dogs) that could get me...even though I would never run at night. It's weird, the older I get the more I am paranoid (sorta kinda) and it's not that much fun.

Part of it could be the since my husband is a police officer is the not so great part of town, I hear some crazy stories.

Yeah, that probably plays into my dramatic crazy thoughts...

Anyways, the cooler weather is calling for me to get off my tush and run so I bought the mace to help me relax a bit.

Speaking of cooler weather, it's still in the 90+ here, but I am so ready for Fall. In fact I still have an awesome scent fall candle burning and today I had my husband pull down the fall decorations from the attic. Tomorrow, with cooler weather or not, I'm transforming our home into a Fall oasis! ;)

Anyways, I can't believe that I've devoted an entire post to weather, mace and running...boring. Moving on...

"Let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us." (Hebrews 12:1)

Finally.

I'm seriously amazed that I am just now-CD15, feeling fine.

I mean, like no more anxiety.
No more feeling left out.
No more feeling that lack of hope.
No more feeling overwhelmed.
No more feeling like I have that heavy heart that has been following me since CD1.

Phew.
It feels so good.

Feelings of blessed, hopeful, happy and trusting have creeped back into my soul and I'm grateful for that.

This weekend was a busy one...lots of family fun mixed with some Ranger fun (they clinched AL west title!).

Being with family and friends throughout this weekend-especially when my husband was working-has probably played into why my soul and heart have mended.

I got a lot of snuggles with my sweet nephew because my brother and SIL came up to visit for the weekend. AWESOME surprise I found out about on Thursday.

You see, with them in town it means that my Gm's house was busting with people-cousins, brothers, aunts, little man...good times.

Then we had a birthday celebration for my dh's side of the family-one niece, a SIL and BIL.

We have had so many birthday parties in September and now coming up on October. We like to say that parents really had a good time around Christmas and New Year's. ;)

Here's hoping that my DH and I can have a really good time this holiday season! ;)

Yeah, that hope is still there like I mentioned above.

I'm so glad it's back.

I will say, that I started the St. Therese novena, along with many other bloggers, and seeing as I have a special connection (I chose her as my confirmation sponsor, her feast day is the day before my birthday, she's helped me in many situations) with St. Therese, it's not that surprising that since starting the novena I have felt so much better. (Thank you JBTC for mentioning this particular novena-it's beautiful!)

I also wanted to say thank you so much for the comments last post. Part of me was nervous to share because well, that's not something a lot of people know about (just the near and dear ones). BUT, I realized it really does play a big part in why I am who I am and why I want what I want and so I am glad that I shared. So, thank you for the feedback!

And now, ending on something completely random (because why not) I laughed out loud when I was typing in the Yah.oo search bar, "how to insert a link..." into blogger and well, the things that Yah.oo predicted I was trying to search for were the following:


Happy Monday y'all!

"Hope is the soul of the dreamer
And heaven is the home of my God
It only takes on true believer
To believe you can still beat the odds..." (Lady Antebellum, "Heart of the World")

My (not so much of a mom at all) mom.

I realized that I have never spoken about my mother. I've spoken about my desire to be a mother but never about my actual mom. I really think that my strong desire to be a mother not only lies in the fact that I feel in my heart of hearts that this is the vocation I'm called to be, but also because well...she wasn't such a great one and so I have quite a strong desire to be (hopefully) a great one.

My mom wasn't the average mom. Well, she wasn't a mom at all really...

She made me sleep in the bathroom because I would wet the bed when I was younger.
I never knew what it was liked to be hugged or kissed on from my mom.
She liked to hit and say some not so great things.
She preferred drugs over me and my two brothers.
She liked to have boyfriends, outside of her husband (my father).
She didn't care if her three young children were in compromising situations with these so called boyfriends.
She liked to lie.
She didn't care if we saw fights occur between her and whomever she was upset with.
Basically...she just wasn't the best of persons.

The only somewhat decent memory I have of her is that she curled my hair for my aunt's wedding, in which I had the honor of being the flower girl. But that's basically it.

You see, my father came from an amazing background and family (the family that ended up raising my brothers and I) but for some reason he fell head over heels in love with my mother, who was from a not as great background, and got married.

Shortly after they were married, she had my brother. And then when my brother was 5 months old, she got pregnant with me. Then when I was only 6 months old, she got pregnant with my little brother. Then she tied her tubes.

She was really good at having babies. Just not so great at being a mother to those babies.

That's one thing that hurts me sometimes...looking at my mother and all that she didn't do for us or give us and I see that I didn't even get her fertility. Sure, I know she wasn't responsible for giving that part of her...but still...it's just another thing.

She did give me life, though, and for that I will be forever grateful towards her. I would say that's it but she and my father (who is another story for another blog post-a few more pleasant memories there) did ultimately decide to send us to live with my grandparents (his parents) and that's the other thing that I'm thankful for.

Life and life with my grandparents...two things she did right. I can only imagine where my life would be right now had I (and my brothers) stayed with my parents...

I wouldn't have my faith and trust in the Lord.
I wouldn't have this amazing man by side.
I wouldn't know what it's like to love and be loved.

Looking back, I still hurt over so much of the stuff that I experienced in my early part of life, but know that I am who I am because of everything that has occurred in my life.

My mother, through her lack of being a mom, taught me what kind of mom I want to be. The desire has been there since I was a young child-just ask my grandma and anyone who has known me.

I can't wait to be a mother and love and smother my little ones with kisses and hugs and love out the wazoo. My husband and I joke that when this little one(s) is finally here they will probably get annoyed at all the love! ;)

Moms are very important people and unfortunately my mother wasn't such a great one but one day, I look forward to being the best mom I can be.

The mom I feel I am called to be...

“To overcome difficulties is to experience the full delight of existence.” (Arthur Schopenhauer)

It helps

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm doing a lot better.

However, there are still times where I feel like I'm still healing from yet another CD1.

So, a little something that helps when I'm feeling down (aside from crafting or one on one time with my dh) is this:

Delicious red wine and a fall scented candle (even though it's still getting up to 90+ here)...


The end. :)

The anniversary of freaking life

I wasn't quite in the mood to write today-but then I realized that I still had the not so happy post still up at the top and I don't like that much.

So, I'm writing.

Things are getting better. I'm starting to feel better although there have been a few moments where I was just sad, BUT...thankfully, they aren't really happening that often!

Phew.

Thank goodness...I don't like being down.

I just wanted to say thank you so much for the prayers-I can say that I truly know that they work because 1)I'm feeling better and 2)prayers a powerful thing!

I'll end by explaining my title for this post (sorry for the randomness-like I said, I wanted to get rid of the downer post at the top and well...this is what happen when I go blindly into posting!). You see, I was visiting my Gm earlier tonight with my dh and I was telling her about upcoming plans.

I told her we were going to hear Dave Ramsey speak on October 1 (he's awesome..teaches people how to get out of debt using a snow ball effect, and he's Christian and well, just awesome) because my BIL bought us tickets. I then told her that he mentioned that since the 2nd is my birthday (wahoo, I LOVE birthdays!!) that we should probably go out and celebrate on the 30th of September because well, after going to the seminar we aren't going to want to spend money...

My Gm then laughed and told me that I was crazy to get excited about birthdays and then mentioned something about not celebrating that much or something about every 5 years or so.

I told her, "Umm...birthdays are the anniversary of freaking life!" Not, my quote, but a quote stolen from Kelle Hampton and I couldn't agree more. :)

So, if you are wondering what I am looking forward to, it's that in 2 weeks from yesterday, it will be my birthday. And even though there are times I look and think about where I thought I would be by now...I'm grateful for all that I do have and I am not going to let some "what could have would have should have beens" ruin my birthday.

I'm truly a blessed woman-even in the middle of the not so great days.

"Birthdays...celebrate them. Plain and simple. Whether you are 2 or 42. It's not a promotion. It's not a graduation. It's the anniversary of freaking life!" (Kelle Hampton-Enjoying the Small Things).

Heavy heart

I don't even know why I've been feeling so blue because honestly this past month I was at such peace and felt so much hope (maybe not ever for that cycle necessarily, but in general) and was just plain happy relaxing and enjoying every single moment of me and my dh's "off month."

Then this cycle hit and my hormones have just gotten the best of me this week. I have had too many melt downs-wet tears, broken heart, sad soul.

A heavy heart.

There have been so many amazing blogger pregnancy announcements and I am beyond thrilled for these wonderful women!!
I have kept each one in my prayers that things go well and smoothly. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of anxiety it can bring on but I'm going to keep praying for them!

Those announcements actually help to peace back my broken heart.

But then, like I mentioned before-CD1 came with 3 other preggo announcements from people that don't have to try. And it was their second one.

And you see, that seemed to shatter everything again. It's so odd to me that any other day of my cycle I am pretty good and can handle it and even possibly be excited for them-but it always seems to coincide with wacky hormones and PMS.

I actually got another announcement the other day-a dear friend who her and and her husband were "going off birth control and going to have a baby!" And of course, a few short months later I get this text:

Me and the hubs are having a baby due in April. It was hard for me to tell you because I know that y'all want a baby and have been trying so hard.

I, already feeling emotionally, broken saw that text and all i could think of was, "thank God that this is a text and she didn't call me" because I never could have faked excitement like I did in my text back to her:

Oh my goodness...that is so wonderful!!! I'm so happy for you guys!

Boo for the timing of this text. Yay for it being a text.

I am hoping and praying that I get out of this funk soon. I'm ready to not be in tears anymore.

I'm ready for this rock weighing on my chest, that I call anxiety, to be lifted.

I'm ready to smile and laugh and mean it and not just doing it because I don't want my husband to see me sad for yet another day.

I am stronger than I think-I think.

I don't give up and sometimes that's all that I can do...through the pain and uneasiness, I don't give up and that's got to count for something, right?

I sure hope so.

I have my "don't let comparison steal your joy" sign in my closet so every morning that I get dressed I see it and it does help. Comparison definitely is a sneaky little brat and loves to steal that joy. But I'm not going to let it...even if that means I have to remind myself this about 5 million times a day.

Praying that this funk blows over sooner than later...

Lastly, I wanted to say THANK YOU THANK YOU for all the prayers and kind words for my friend's who lost their baby. We will never know why God decided to take him when he did but my friend has said that prayers have helped her and her family find peace and strength throughout all of this. The power of prayer is truly amazing. Thank you so much for that.

"When life gets more than you can stand...kneel."

Please pray **Edited

A few posts back I mentioned that my dear friend and her husband had experienced a miracle-the healing of their baby in her womb.

Sadly, yesterday at a sonogram, they found out that the baby had passed away.

They are at the hospital now, being induced.

Please pray for them.

**I found out that their beautiful son was born at 12:07, Sept.14. His umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck.

From going to no hope with intestines outside of the body and all the cysts on this poor baby... to going to full hope with the miracle of not one thing wrong him...to now this...

My heart aches for this family. Please continue to pray.

Oh the timing...

How is it that CD1 (yesterday) happens when there are 3 new announcements, of former classmates of mine, stating that #2 is on the way?

Geez Louise.

And, because I'm still working on "not letting comparison steal my joy" I'm moving on from that and trying to forget all about it.

I will not let comparison steal my joy.
I will not.
No sirree.

Being hormonal shouldn't coincide with periods-it seems cruel to me that the two go hand in hand. Especially if it's mixed with the struggle to conceive.

I mean, this is the time of the month where I need to be my strongest. Where I hold on to hope and trust and faith. Not the time of month where I am susceptible to breaking down into a blubbering idiot at any given time.

Seriously, I mean yesterday we went to the ball game and as we were singing the National Anthem at the beginning of the game I started tearing up and had goosebumps all over.

I didn't really expect to cry at the ball game.

Thankfully my sunglasses hid the tears.

Prayer buddy, if you are reading this-would you mind offering up a prayer or two for me...specifically that I find strength during the start of another cycle?

Thanks in advanced.


Blessed JP, intercede for us.

Remembering

I can't believe that it's been 10 years since those terrible moments occurred. I'll never forgot where I was or what I was doing when we got the news...

I was a senior in high school and had just finished showering after cross country. I was standing in the locker room curling one of the freshman girls hair when an announcement blared over the intercom.

I got chills throughout my entire body and tears instantly filled my eyes.

I will never forgot that day.
Those lives lost.
The way Americans came together that day.

There were so many lives lost not only that day but also in the years following because of all those that sacrificed to fight and defend America.

My dh joined the Marines shortly after day like so many other men.

So today, I remember.
I pray for all those whose lives were forever changed that day.
I pray for the families of those lost that day.
I pray for all our troops, police officers and fire fighters who responded and fought that day-and still today.

I will never forget.

Happy Friday

I'm so creative when it comes to my titles...aren't I?! ;)

I love the feedback about my friend's amazing story about her little miracle baby. It's so beautiful to see things like this happen in life because sometimes we get so caught up in going through the motions of life and thinking all "realistically" and "logically" or even too much with our hearts, that we forget that God is a powerful God and he's capable of miracles. We just need to believe.

Anyways, for this "Happy Friday" post I wanted to dump off the pictures from my phone (I got the idea of the phone dump from Kelle Hampton @ Enjoying the Small things)of the crafts that I have done this past week, and a little of last week also!

So here's some of the crafts I've been working on. Remember, crafting for me is sort of like a drug-but a good one, not a bad one that causes bad things to happen but the good kind that makes you feel good...oh good grief, never mind ;)-it's something I REALLY enjoy doing and it's my one escape from the IF roller coaster!

Here's a few of things:
First off, a couple weekends ago I was heading to a baby shower for a friend and even though I was a little nervous about going, I decided I would make part of her gift and really, that helped me so much because it got my mind off of why I was nervous!

I had an old picture frame that I covered with scrap book paper and modpodge. I had already bought the little accessories a few days earlier (not shown in the picture are the stinkin' cute sunglasses). All in all she loved it!

Next I wanted to make an ornament for a friend who got engaged last month:

Looking back I should have probably used my stamps to stamp out the "our engagement" because that would have looked a bit better, but it's all good...I just wanted to send her a little something and this worked.

Last night, I finally got around to making my own sign:

All in all I really like how it turned out. I just used a cheap-o canvas and painted it, mod podged some scrap book paper on that front (I LOVE scrap book paper!) and then stamped out the quote.
For the "Joy" part I couldn't find scrap book paper that I had on hand, so I dug out an old paint paper sample thing:

:) The "joy" needed to be yellow in my opinion!

And lastly, this little craft was fun and easy and cheap way to make bright canvas shoes. I am showing the steps because I told Grace in my Heart I would show her! :)
First I started with some cheap-0 white canvas shoes I found at the thrift store. I don't worry, they will be washed and even rinsed in the boiling water with the dye:


Next I boiled water, once it started boiling I turned it down and placed the fun color, "sunshine," that I picked out for my new shoes:

But then I freaked out because when I poured the dye in it turned ORANGE...and I did not want orange shoes:

But the second I put the shoes in I saw they were definitely "sunshine" color and not orange. Phew,

I waited for about 45 minutes to soak and then I rinsed them under the faucet with cold water, then washed them in the washing machine with cold water and let air dry. Here's the finished product:

I do love them-they're quite comfortable and so cute! I've gotten quite a few compliments on them and when I say that I go just re-dyed some old shoes, people were impressed, although it's not too hard! ;)

Ok, so that's probably enough crafts to share for one day! :) Hope y'all have a wonderful weekend! I'm heading the the Rangers game on Sunday and it's not going to be over 100...good times! :)

"What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?"

Second post in one day: my sweet friend's story

One of my friends and her husband have 4 beautiful and healthy children. Their youngest is me and my husband's godson-he's 2 and will be 3 in Nov. Her husband has unfortunately gone through some hardships when it comes to jobs and has been let go and laid off quite a bit in the last few years. Each time they financially struggled, somehow, someway God has come through for them (ie: anonymous donors, etc).

Well about a month ago, they received an eviction notice from their landlord because they were late paying rent yet again. A few short days later they found out they were pregnant. They were quite surprised and honestly confused and upset with God's timing.

Some time after that they finally felt at peace with the pregnancy and thanked God for the miracle that she was carrying.

Shortly after being at peace with the pregnancy they went in for the sonogram.

She was 10 weeks.

Almost instantly they could see something wrong with the baby.

There were cyst on both sides of the baby's belly. He had a large cyst growing and applying pressure to his spine. His spine didn't appear to be growing properly. There was a cyst on the baby's head. His intestines were outside of his body.

They were devastated by this, as anyone would be.

Some doctor's recommend people aborting because a lot of the times the cysts will grow so large they can cause a lot of damage not only to the baby but also the mom.

They couldn't understand any of this but trusted God and trusted that good would come from their suffering.

Well, this past weekend I was visiting with her and she showed my the sonogram pictures from that sonogram and my heart broke for them. It was quite obvious there something wrong when I was looking at the pictures, and I am no professional. I had tears in my eyes as she described and showed me all that was wrong with this poor baby.

She was so sweet and had said that the pain and suffering she was experiencing she was offering up for my dh and I, because she knew that we had been trying for so long. I was of course beyond grateful and told her we were praying for her also.

Fast forward to today.

She and her husband were heading to see a specialist for another sonogram and were anticipating the potential of the baby not even being alive. They went to the appointment and when the person doing the sonogram began they were in shock...

There was not one thing wrong with this beautiful baby.

Not one.

All the cyst has disappeared and the organs were growing where they should be-inside of the baby.

They had a few others come in to verify and double check but they first person was correct...this baby was completely healthy.

They said, "you can look at it like there was never anything wrong with this baby or that a miracle has just occurred."

Of course we know it was a miracle.

My heart is leaping for joy for my friend and her sweet family. God is so good and he does work miracles. This is the perfect example of having faith and trusting in Him.

God works miracles each and everyday.

Miracles....you know the things that occur where there is no other human explanation for?! Yeah...miracles.

Miracles!!

So tonight, as I offer up prayers of thanksgiving for my sweet friend and this beautiful baby, I am always continuing to pray for miracles for each and everyone still waiting.

I trust our Lord. I trust that our miracle will come and I will never give up hope and faith while I am waiting.

Blessed John Paul, pray for us!

Where hope grows, miracles blossom. (Elna Rae)

Next steps...starting with charting again.

Like I mentioned in my last blog post I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at where to start on this journey with Dr. H...but from y'all's advice (THANK YOU BY THE WAY!!!!) I'm seeing that I need to start charting again. I haven't charted in at least a year and prior to that I was charting consistently, so I'm sure it will take some get used to again.

First things first, I went and found an NFP doctor since my old NFP doctor moved last year. I found one not too far (yippee!) so would I need to contact them about getting new charts? I guess that's the first thing I want to do is get a few months of charting behind while I wait to hear back from Dr. H...but I can't remember for the life of me where I got them last time aside from my old doctor's office, who like I mentioned moved.

I do like the idea of charting again, it's never a bad thing, and since we still wanted to take a few months off, this would be perfect because it would mean still no doctor's appointments or medicines out the wazoo.

I really do appreciate everyone's advice-that's one thing I do love about this blogging community aside from so many other things. You see, when I have something IF related I go and goo.gle and then about a bajillion million things pop up and basically I drown in all the information. Here, I can ask a question and everyone speaks from personal experience and offers their advice and it's so much easier to follow than doctor goog.le.

I will say on a random note-it's been so weird not going in to get my CD22 blood drawn to check my progesterone. Part of me wishes I was still doing that because I'm curious what my body is doing without meds, but then the other part of me quickly squashes that and remembers that pain of getting poked and then having to wait many days to even get the results (usually after AF has arrived) so I guess I don't miss it too much.

I haven't started yet-this is the part of the month that I dread really. First off, the 2ww takes forever whether you were taking meds or not-because for us we are always trying even if we aren't seeing a doctor/taking meds (one can hope and dream for a "surprise" pregnancy, right?!). Secondly, right before your period arrives you feel emotional, bloated, and crampy yet AF never arrives right when the symptoms do-nope, she wants you to wait more because 2 weeks is never enough.

Anyways, so for now I'm:
-Waiting for AF to arrive
-Doing research on that NFP doctor I found near by.
-Hoping to find out where to get charts so I can start charting again.
-Continuing to pray that God will show me if Dr. H is where He wants me to take this next step in our journey to growing our family.

All in all...I'm doing lots of research right now-but not going too crazy because we are still taking it easy for a few months.

Here's praying that God will show me just what I need to be doing next on this crazy roller coaster ride...

"Having a dream you don't pursue is like buying an ice cream cone and watching it melt all over your hand."

As another cycle inches closer

I started feeling crampy yesterday and my emotions have been going a little bonkers (I mean, I get annoyed watching Todd.lers and Tia.ras yet a couple nights ago when one of the crazy moms started crying because her spraytannedfaketeethfakenailsfakehairredbulldrinking3yearold won...I cried too) so I know that my period is going to be here any day now.

With that in mind, I've decided to start researching Dr. Hilgers because even though we are currently taking a few months off from meds and doctors, I think that when we start back up I want to pursue seeing him.

But like I said, as of now, I'm just researching. I'm not going to lie, it seems a bit overwhelming-any advice?!

Anyways, this post is short and sweet, I really don't have that much to say (shocking, I know!) but will end with saying that OMG...the weather here only got up to 88 yesterday!!! Last week we were never seeing under 100 and this week we are getting a sneak peek of fall...boy am I excited!!

Hope everyone is doing well!! How very exciting that we've had some preggo announcements in our little blogging community!!! Here's hoping and praying for a LOT more!!!

Blessed John Paul, pray for us!!

Happy Sunday, y'all

(Source: http://pinterest.com/pin/164912515/)


"You are loved more than you will ever know by someone who died to know you." Romans 5:8