Thursday, September 22, 2011

My (not so much of a mom at all) mom.

I realized that I have never spoken about my mother. I've spoken about my desire to be a mother but never about my actual mom. I really think that my strong desire to be a mother not only lies in the fact that I feel in my heart of hearts that this is the vocation I'm called to be, but also because well...she wasn't such a great one and so I have quite a strong desire to be (hopefully) a great one.

My mom wasn't the average mom. Well, she wasn't a mom at all really...

She made me sleep in the bathroom because I would wet the bed when I was younger.
I never knew what it was liked to be hugged or kissed on from my mom.
She liked to hit and say some not so great things.
She preferred drugs over me and my two brothers.
She liked to have boyfriends, outside of her husband (my father).
She didn't care if her three young children were in compromising situations with these so called boyfriends.
She liked to lie.
She didn't care if we saw fights occur between her and whomever she was upset with.
Basically...she just wasn't the best of persons.

The only somewhat decent memory I have of her is that she curled my hair for my aunt's wedding, in which I had the honor of being the flower girl. But that's basically it.

You see, my father came from an amazing background and family (the family that ended up raising my brothers and I) but for some reason he fell head over heels in love with my mother, who was from a not as great background, and got married.

Shortly after they were married, she had my brother. And then when my brother was 5 months old, she got pregnant with me. Then when I was only 6 months old, she got pregnant with my little brother. Then she tied her tubes.

She was really good at having babies. Just not so great at being a mother to those babies.

That's one thing that hurts me sometimes...looking at my mother and all that she didn't do for us or give us and I see that I didn't even get her fertility. Sure, I know she wasn't responsible for giving that part of her...but's just another thing.

She did give me life, though, and for that I will be forever grateful towards her. I would say that's it but she and my father (who is another story for another blog post-a few more pleasant memories there) did ultimately decide to send us to live with my grandparents (his parents) and that's the other thing that I'm thankful for.

Life and life with my grandparents...two things she did right. I can only imagine where my life would be right now had I (and my brothers) stayed with my parents...

I wouldn't have my faith and trust in the Lord.
I wouldn't have this amazing man by side.
I wouldn't know what it's like to love and be loved.

Looking back, I still hurt over so much of the stuff that I experienced in my early part of life, but know that I am who I am because of everything that has occurred in my life.

My mother, through her lack of being a mom, taught me what kind of mom I want to be. The desire has been there since I was a young child-just ask my grandma and anyone who has known me.

I can't wait to be a mother and love and smother my little ones with kisses and hugs and love out the wazoo. My husband and I joke that when this little one(s) is finally here they will probably get annoyed at all the love! ;)

Moms are very important people and unfortunately my mother wasn't such a great one but one day, I look forward to being the best mom I can be.

The mom I feel I am called to be...

“To overcome difficulties is to experience the full delight of existence.” (Arthur Schopenhauer)


JellyBelly said...

I don't always have an easy relationship with my mother, although she wasn't neglectful like yours, there are many things that she has done that boggle my mind.

I totally understand the desire to be the best mother possible. We will be able to correct the wrongs from our childhoods (and adulthood), I am sure. :)

Faith makes things possible said...

I haven't seen my mother in over 20's amazing, the impact parents have over there children. I agree with you though, we will so be able to correct the wrongs! We are stronger than we think.

Grace in my Heart said...

I'm so sorry for all you went through. :(

You are going to be an amazing mother!!!

Sarah said...

Sometimes God uses what we don't have to teach us the most. I am so sorry you had to go through this but I am sure you will be an amazing mother.

My parents are wonderful but their divorce has had a huge impact on what I hope for my own marriage. Ever since I was little, I longed to have that in tact family. I am so thankful God gives each generation a fresh chance.

imusthaveprayedforpatience said...

Sending you hugs. Thank the Lord that we have our heavenly mother Mary and our loving heavenly Father. Sometimes our earthly parents can do some real damage. My father told me several years ago that when he and my mom got divorced he told her he would just make some new kids. What kind of a person says that, and then says it to their child?

I think living through that kind of abuse, maybe the good that comes from it is developing such a strong sense of what not to do and a strong desire to love.

Perfect Power in Weakness said...

Wow! I was just thinking today that maybe it's time to post about my mother. While I didn't experience neglect like you did, my mother was verbally abusive (still is) and I think she has a mental problem. I'll work on my post and let you read it.

I sometimes wonder how I turned out so "normal" growing up in the dysfunctional household I did. I longed for a relationship with my mother, and realized I would never have one to my longing. I pray someday I will have the relationship I dreamed of with a little girl of my own.

I'm thankful you grew up in faith, met an amazing husband, and will make such an amazing mom. God can do amazing things with every day, ordinary people. I know He will with you!

Lauren @ Magnify the Lord with Me said...

Oh this really hurt my heart to read. I am SO sorry for the pain and that you weren't mothered in the way the Lord desired. My Mom told me once you have two chances at a family- the one you're born into and the one you make for yourself. Sounds like you are going to create a WONDERFUL family for your children!!!!!

Danya @ He Adopted Me First said...

I'm with Lauren. This was hard to read and my heart aches for your loss. Honestly, I don't know how a mother could forsake her children that way. I am so happy that your grandparents were such a gift to you and that you turned out to be such a wonderful person in spite of tough beginnings. You're going to be an amazing mama someday. More pregger prayers comin' your way!

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

You are a living testament to how God brings good out of evil. You came through and look at you! You are a shining light to this world! I will pray for your mother, and I will keep praying for the day that you become a mother and a wonderful one at that!

Little JoAnn said...

You are a great Soul!

Rebecca said...

As Sarah said, I'm so thankful God gives each generation a fresh chance.

And what a beautiful realization, that while your mom wasn't a good mother, she did at least realize this and you were blessed with your grandparents (and from the sounds of it, they were amazing). While a grandma can't replace a mom, you're determination to be a great mom to your children some day is a beautiful example of the love you did have.

Thank-you for sharing this part of your life. It's not easy to let the 'stuff' like this out.

BlessedBeLord said...

My heart ached reading this. I am so sorry for all the pain you went through :(
God is so good. He made you an amazing person and I am sure he will make you an amazing mother to your children.
Our Perfect Mother in heaven, our Blessed Virgin Lady loves us beyond any motherly love. Her tender motherly love will heal our hearts.
I am so thankful that you shared this part of your life. Hugs!!!

Mary said...

You are so amazing and inspiring. I can't believe you went through so much and turned out so, so great. I'm blessed to "know" you :) and can't wait to see what God has in store for you.

"All in His Perfect Timing" said...

Like the other ladies said above, it hurt to read this. Obviously not "knowing" you IRL, in reading all of your previous posts, I would have never guessed this was a part of your life. Your grandparents did a wonderful job in raising you!!! You are going to be such a great mother - you know everything not to do and everything TO do!

allyouwhohope said...

Wow, I am so sorry. That is so much to go through, and is just unfair for a child to have to endure. You already have a family with your husband, but I can't wait to see your babies added to it. What a wonderful way to turn the bad into something beautiful.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I am so sorry for the pain you have had to go through! You have become such a wonderful person in spite of all these trials. God bless your grandparents! You are such an inspiration. AND you are going to be one terrific mama.

mrsblondies said...

I'm so sorry that your mother wasn't a good mother, but it's great that you realize what good decision she made for you to live with your grandparents and how great they were.

I'm sure you are going to be a great mother, especially because you what it's like on both sides.

Sew said...

You will right the wrong....It is coming. I believe it!