My (not so much of a mom at all) mom.

I realized that I have never spoken about my mother. I've spoken about my desire to be a mother but never about my actual mom. I really think that my strong desire to be a mother not only lies in the fact that I feel in my heart of hearts that this is the vocation I'm called to be, but also because well...she wasn't such a great one and so I have quite a strong desire to be (hopefully) a great one.

My mom wasn't the average mom. Well, she wasn't a mom at all really...

She made me sleep in the bathroom because I would wet the bed when I was younger.
I never knew what it was liked to be hugged or kissed on from my mom.
She liked to hit and say some not so great things.
She preferred drugs over me and my two brothers.
She liked to have boyfriends, outside of her husband (my father).
She didn't care if her three young children were in compromising situations with these so called boyfriends.
She liked to lie.
She didn't care if we saw fights occur between her and whomever she was upset with.
Basically...she just wasn't the best of persons.

The only somewhat decent memory I have of her is that she curled my hair for my aunt's wedding, in which I had the honor of being the flower girl. But that's basically it.

You see, my father came from an amazing background and family (the family that ended up raising my brothers and I) but for some reason he fell head over heels in love with my mother, who was from a not as great background, and got married.

Shortly after they were married, she had my brother. And then when my brother was 5 months old, she got pregnant with me. Then when I was only 6 months old, she got pregnant with my little brother. Then she tied her tubes.

She was really good at having babies. Just not so great at being a mother to those babies.

That's one thing that hurts me sometimes...looking at my mother and all that she didn't do for us or give us and I see that I didn't even get her fertility. Sure, I know she wasn't responsible for giving that part of her...but still...it's just another thing.

She did give me life, though, and for that I will be forever grateful towards her. I would say that's it but she and my father (who is another story for another blog post-a few more pleasant memories there) did ultimately decide to send us to live with my grandparents (his parents) and that's the other thing that I'm thankful for.

Life and life with my grandparents...two things she did right. I can only imagine where my life would be right now had I (and my brothers) stayed with my parents...

I wouldn't have my faith and trust in the Lord.
I wouldn't have this amazing man by side.
I wouldn't know what it's like to love and be loved.

Looking back, I still hurt over so much of the stuff that I experienced in my early part of life, but know that I am who I am because of everything that has occurred in my life.

My mother, through her lack of being a mom, taught me what kind of mom I want to be. The desire has been there since I was a young child-just ask my grandma and anyone who has known me.

I can't wait to be a mother and love and smother my little ones with kisses and hugs and love out the wazoo. My husband and I joke that when this little one(s) is finally here they will probably get annoyed at all the love! ;)

Moms are very important people and unfortunately my mother wasn't such a great one but one day, I look forward to being the best mom I can be.

The mom I feel I am called to be...

“To overcome difficulties is to experience the full delight of existence.” (Arthur Schopenhauer)