Thursday, September 15, 2011

Heavy heart

I don't even know why I've been feeling so blue because honestly this past month I was at such peace and felt so much hope (maybe not ever for that cycle necessarily, but in general) and was just plain happy relaxing and enjoying every single moment of me and my dh's "off month."

Then this cycle hit and my hormones have just gotten the best of me this week. I have had too many melt downs-wet tears, broken heart, sad soul.

A heavy heart.

There have been so many amazing blogger pregnancy announcements and I am beyond thrilled for these wonderful women!!
I have kept each one in my prayers that things go well and smoothly. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of anxiety it can bring on but I'm going to keep praying for them!

Those announcements actually help to peace back my broken heart.

But then, like I mentioned before-CD1 came with 3 other preggo announcements from people that don't have to try. And it was their second one.

And you see, that seemed to shatter everything again. It's so odd to me that any other day of my cycle I am pretty good and can handle it and even possibly be excited for them-but it always seems to coincide with wacky hormones and PMS.

I actually got another announcement the other day-a dear friend who her and and her husband were "going off birth control and going to have a baby!" And of course, a few short months later I get this text:

Me and the hubs are having a baby due in April. It was hard for me to tell you because I know that y'all want a baby and have been trying so hard.

I, already feeling emotionally, broken saw that text and all i could think of was, "thank God that this is a text and she didn't call me" because I never could have faked excitement like I did in my text back to her:

Oh my goodness...that is so wonderful!!! I'm so happy for you guys!

Boo for the timing of this text. Yay for it being a text.

I am hoping and praying that I get out of this funk soon. I'm ready to not be in tears anymore.

I'm ready for this rock weighing on my chest, that I call anxiety, to be lifted.

I'm ready to smile and laugh and mean it and not just doing it because I don't want my husband to see me sad for yet another day.

I am stronger than I think-I think.

I don't give up and sometimes that's all that I can do...through the pain and uneasiness, I don't give up and that's got to count for something, right?

I sure hope so.

I have my "don't let comparison steal your joy" sign in my closet so every morning that I get dressed I see it and it does help. Comparison definitely is a sneaky little brat and loves to steal that joy. But I'm not going to let it...even if that means I have to remind myself this about 5 million times a day.

Praying that this funk blows over sooner than later...

Lastly, I wanted to say THANK YOU THANK YOU for all the prayers and kind words for my friend's who lost their baby. We will never know why God decided to take him when he did but my friend has said that prayers have helped her and her family find peace and strength throughout all of this. The power of prayer is truly amazing. Thank you so much for that.

"When life gets more than you can stand...kneel."


Isaiah 55:8-9 said...

I've had a heavy heart too the past couple of days... and I know it's PMS. UGH! Praying for you... and I definitely think not giving up counts for something!!! :) Hugs.

"All in His Perfect Timing" said...

No matter how pregnancy announcements come, to me, they still hurt a little, even blogger ones (although I'm SO much happier for them). Its hard to watch others enjoy something you desire so badly. I'm with you on being in a funk lately.
You ARE strong ... you've gotten this far, you can keep going. Thanks for this post. I'm "glad" to know I'm not the only one feeling a little down.

Rebecca said...

I feel like I've been hit from both sides lately too - the fellow IFer announcements that bring so much joy and hope with them coupled with the 'oh, you mean you can get pregnant if you have sex' and 'I can't keep a job, but I'm going to have a baby' announcements. I know I sound bitter there at the end, it's just been that kind of week - breaking down saying to The Man, how is it that those women (not the IFers!) get to have a baby and I can't?

Not giving up is a huge thing some days. Some days that is all the grace that there is, the will to keep going and moving forward.

Praying that you are feeling joyful again soon. Praying that a BIG HUGE boat comes and takes all of us off of this IF island - and soon.

Patiently Waiting...... said...

You ARE stronger than you think! God would not have given you this cross if he didn't think you could handle it....although that doesn't make it any easier to bear.

Your statement, "...because I don't want my husband to see me sad for yet another day." hit me so close to home. I have thought the exact same thing so many times. We love our husbands so much and we don't want to hurt them anymore by showing our sadness. But, it is okay to be sad with them, because they love us just as much!

Many prayers for you!

C. said...

I'm so sorry that your heart is feeling heavy. I pray that it lifts soon!

Danya @ He Adopted Me First said...

Oh hon...our prayers ARE with you!!! I'm so sorry you're hurting and I DO know how it feels to have tear soaked pillows over an empty womb. You are strong and CAN do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens you. 'Hang in there! Blessings.

Lisa said...

I wish I were up in your town now to hug you. I'm so sorry that you're hurting now.

imusthaveprayedforpatience said...

Big sigh, . . . I know just how you feel. The only thing I know to do is to realize that in a couple of days (around CD3 or so), I will begin to buck up and get ready for another trip on the roller coaster. I wish that all of us here in this blogging bubble could all just get pregnant and all be jumping for joy. But, seeing others have success keeps my hope alive.

I know how hard that was to get that text from your friend. I had a bawling fit last year when right after we had our second miscarriage, my sister in law e-mailed me to let me know they were expecting and were due in September, when we were supposed to have been due. It felt like such a slap in the face.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I'm so sorry for your funk. I'm praying for you! I know good things are ahead for you.

CM said...

I think it counts for a lot to keep going when that's all you can do. Hope things lighten soon!

JellyBelly said...

Continuing to pray for you!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry all these announcements are bombarding you at once. I'd have liked to think that other people's pregnancies had nothing to do with my lack of pregnancy, because they didn't really, but the awful thing about them is that it made my lack so so much lonelier and sadder. I wish it wasn't so isolating and I have tears on my cheeks for you and the other women that still have to wait and feel passed by. But please know that you are not being passed by. One day, this will seem like distant past. Until them, please know that you are not forgotten, you are not alone and finally....that you are lucky you're in Texas (ok, only trying to stop my own tears with that last one...). I pray you get out of this funk and realize that it really is CD1 that brings it. Hope your hubby holds you tight tonight, hun.

Made For Another World said...

Praying for you to have peace! He will carry you through and give you strength. Take it a day at a time. Cyber hugs to you.