Memorial Day

Being that my husband was in the Marines and fought in Iraq twice, 2 brothers fought in Iraq and another in the Army, I know what it's like to sit and wait for them to come home. Thankfully all those that I love came home.

This is not the case for everyone.

Let's take this time today to remember all those that have fought for our country. They will not be forgotten.

So on this day, I ask that we remember. That we try and offer up something that has been difficult for us (IF, lose, etc...) for those family's who have lost a serviceman. God bless those lost and their families.

"I thank God for my life
For the stars and stripes
May freedom forever fly, let it ring.
Salute the ones who died
And the ones that gave their lives
So we don’t have to sacrifice
All the things we love..."

Non IF friends

I wanted to see what others thought about this topic.

I have some pretty amazing best friends. A couple of which we have been that way since we were in the 2nd grade! They are my go to girls for a good time, a good cry and anything really.

They are great! But it's so hard because one of the biggest things in my life that is going on I can't really talk to them about. Or rather, I should say I talk to but they definitely don't get it. I get the whole, "it's going to happen why do you worry!?" And, "just relax I just know God wants y'all to have lots of babies!" These statements usually come when I am having an especially hard day and they ask me about it. I am not like this always, but there are definitely days were hope is not as bright and fear takes over. So usually when this is happening I've tried to tell them that really, I'm not looking for advice but a person to listen to me.

It doesn't work though and I get to where I don't really open up that much to them and simply say it's hard because hearing their advice doesn't really help.

Do I try and open up to them in hopes that maybe one day they will just "get it?!" Or do I just leave it be and let them know it's hard without exposing the deep hurts of my heart for fear that they will not get it? Because really life goes on either way and even if I'm hurting they don't quite get the extinct of my hurt sometimes.

I have no clue if I am even expressing this right. It's just something that I have been struggling with for some time now and I wanted to see how other IFers are with their non IF friends.

I will say, although I am still new to this blogging world, I am beyond grateful for the blogs I have come across. And although I have just recently worked up the courage to comment and post, I have read many of these blogs for quite sometime now and there have been many a day that I was down and out, read a blog and have literally been in somewhat of awe at how it seemed that they were saying exactly what I was feeling!

Well, I'm about to head out to meet my brother and SIL for some pool time! YAY for summertime. Oh and I absolutely love these:

Visitor

On my balcony I noticed a bird sitting in my hanging ivy and when I opened the door, she flew off and I saw why she was sitting there...



Then later, I came back to snap a picture of the mama bird! Look closely and you can see her little head in the middle! I was too freaked out of her "attacking" me for getting close to her eggs so this was as close as I would get! ;)



Needless to say, moments after taking this picture she flew off and I threw my iPhone in the air (somehow managing to catch it before it hit the ground) and ran inside (heart racing of course)! I felt stupid but once again, I didn't want to get attacked! Besides, for the first picture of the eggs I made my husband stand outside with me in case she came back for me!! ;)

My love/hate relationship with FB

Another pregnancy announcement on facebook today. I went to H.S with her, she was a year under me...really I only knew her through my younger brother so it.should.not.matter.

But it does. Sometimes I see announcements and I'm over joyed and sometimes not so much.

Today is a not so much kinda day.

Ugh.

Just because you're a parent doesn't mean you'll be a good one

I laid out by the pool yesterday with two of my girlfriends. I always enjoy doing this, it's relaxing and a fun way to catch up! We'll usually have a cold beverage and some magazines and people watch by the pool! So fun!!

However, yesterday at the pool I was so annoyed. I am amazed at some people who have children. There were 3 kids playing in the pool, two were about 6 years old and the other was 4. Their parents were drinking beer and playing sand volleyball OUTSIDE of the pool area most of the time. I was sitting there thinking to myself, "I would give anything to be at this pool with my own children." At one point there was a mom drinking her beer and smoking her cigarette by the pool and the little 6 year old girl goes, "Mommy, if I hold your cigarette and beer will you get in the water for a bit?" The mom just laughed and turned to her friends and continued to talk.

I just can't believe this. I definitely struggle with this. Seeing people who don't seem to care or even realize that they are parents. They don't see what a gift their children are. I don't understand how these people who don't really care are able to get pregnant so easily, without even trying!

My husband struggles with this also. He is a police officer and works nights in a not so great part of town. He, for the most part, is able to be the "strong" one emotionally when it comes to our fertility struggles. He is amazing like that and I'm so thankful for this because I can turn into an emotional mess when I hear about another pregnancy announcement, when I attend another baby shower, etc... However, when he goes on calls where there are 3 generations of women, all under the age of 40 living in the same house where the 4 year olds and 3 year olds are outside at 3 am because they have no one watching them because mom and grandma are drinking and getting high in the back, well...it hurts him. He's told me that when he leaves calls like that he finds himself asking God, "why them? They don't even care that they have children! Why them and not us?" It's just so sad to see all the abuse he sees and not ask why.

I'm thankful for the moments where he has an emotional down because well, it's one way I'm able to relate. He's always so strong, logical and trusting it seems so I'm thankful for the moments he lets himself ask those questions, because after all we are only human! He doesn't let it get to him all the time but he how can you not after seeing it so much. He's a much stronger person than I am. If I was in his position I would simply want to take those children home with me! Or say something about their crappy parenting skills! Well, you get the picture!

So this post has turned into one about my amazing husband! :) I realized I haven't really mentioned what he does and so I guess this was a good way to tell a little about him! I'm sure there will be plenty more posts about him where I can brag about how awesome I think he is! ;) But for now, I'm off to shower...

"Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist."

I made it!

I survived last week's crazy driving! I added up all the hours I spent on the road and it was around 23 hours from Tue-Sunday...exhausting but so worth every moment of it!

Now, back to the appointment (wow...I can't believe it was over a week ago!):
I have to start by saying that having a pro-life, amazing Catholic doctor is so amazing. We left bright and early in the morning and head down south. Southbound 35 is such a beautiful drive. It's hard to see the beautiful flowers lining the road and the sun peaking from the fields without thinking of God; sometimes I think I take this for granted...the beautiful scenes that God literally paints out right in front of me, I'm trying not to though. Anyways, along the way we pray our rosary and offer up that God will give us the courage to accept whatever it is that Dr. G wants to tell us and know that HE put us there for a reason and to trust in Him whole heartily. I was feeling anxious because I was worried that maybe she would want to try Clomid again or this medicine at another time and whatnot. I didn't want this because I have been on medicine for so long and the thought of trying it again was discouraging. Also, I wanted to pray that if she was definite about planning the surgery, I really wanted it to be sooner rather than later. But again, I offered it up and trusted that the timing would be perfect whether it be next month or in 6 months.

We get there a little before our appointment and thankfully only had to wait about 30 minutes. My husband goes and sits in the little room while I go and get weighed...woot, woot...I lost 10 pounds since my last appointment in February! Hello not eating everything my DH does (he eats a lot and at many hours of the day!)...it's amazing how that works! ;) Dr. G comes in and starts to go over the blood work that was done last month. She says that everything is looking really good and she thinks that, based off of everything that we have done so far, that surgery would be our next best option. She discussed the difference between the wedge resection and the ovarian drilling and then decides that maybe we should do both, one on each. I told her, "heck why not...let's live on the edge and try it all!" ;) She thought it would be good to do one of each and then later go in and look and see which one heals better, etc...

She was so sweet and after mentioning about the surgery to us she told us to remember to pray about this and ask God for guidance. We told her that we have indeed been praying about this since we left last time. She said that since this cycle was literally the first without medicine in years and my body was doing crazy things (well, I say crazy but things like actually seeing some good EWCM after not seeing it ever really) she wanted to wait one more month and see how things go. Let my body sort of adjust to not being on medicine and see how it goes. Then if we aren't pregnant by July then we will do the surgery. We both feel so at peace about it all and are anxious for the surgery. I'm continuing to watch what I eat and am trying to be as healthy as possible. Before we left she grabbed both our hands and she led prayer (see, Catholic doctors are the best!)!

One amazing thing that she said also was that we need to remember to always find a way to praise and thank God. She said that if for some reason my period didn't start on my own that week (but it did!) and if I had to take prometrium to jump start it then I should THANK GOD to live in a country where I am able to get the medicine. She said to always find a way in the midst of happy time and more importantly, in the midst of struggles. I was proud to get to tell her that my DH does this already and that during our rosary the other day he offered it up saying that even though this time has been so difficult and hard, he was thankful for the time it gave for just the two of us to grow. I agree and am trying to remember this when I am feeling especially down. So, for whoever reads this I encourage you to try really hard to remember to thank God in the struggles. I actually did it the other day when we were stuck in traffic and late to getting to where we were getting, I said "God, thank you for allowing me to here safe and sound with my DH. Help me to not take a single moment for granted." And surprisingly I my nerves were calmed! I know this wont work quite as easily every time but I'm going to work on thanking HIM anyways.

Now, before I finish up my novel of an entry I have a couple of blogging world questions:
1) How do I show on my page the blogs I follow?
2) How the heck do I know when I get comments? Today I came to write an entry and just for fun was looking at my blog and saw some comments (which literally brought a huge smile to my face!)...I had no clue people had commented!
3)If I am referencing another blogger, how do I do the thing where the name that I type out is actually a link to their website?

Well, ladies...I am off to make a birthday card for my beautiful soon to be SIL's birthday, which we will be celebrating tonight! I hope that everyone is doing well.


"So we were southbound 35, we were headed down the road...let Texas fill my soul,
yeah let Texas fill my soul."

Quick Update

This week has been crazy busy since Tuesday. Here's the lowdown:

Tuesday: leave by 6 am to head to San Antonio for doctor's visit. Stop off in Austin to visit family on the way back. Crawl into bed around 1 am...

Wednesday: my day to catch up at home: laundry, cleaning, etc...

Thursday: an older, distant family member passes away and my brother, SIL and I drive with my GM to the rosary...4.5 hours south! We then leave and drive an hour and campout in a fancy shmancy hotel where the rooms vibrate! Well, the train would drive by and the rooms moved...quite fancy, like I said!

Friday: wake up at 5 am to head to my SIL's graduation...then head home after the lunch. Get home right before my husband leaves for work (he's a police officer and works nights). CRASH hard around 10 and just wake up about 45 minutes ago...it feels good to be home!

But now today I'm about to head out to run some errands because tomorrow my SIL, gf and I are heading back down south 3 hours to my soon to be SIL's bridal shower.

LOTS of driving this week!! I want to update about my appointment, which I will, but I really need to go and i have a lot I want to say. So for now I will leave saying this bit of exciting news (well, exciting for a PCOSer):

On Thursday I woke up to spotting...on my own...no prometrium needed to jumpstart my now period! It's quite exciting. You see, when I was 18 I had a about 5 periods or so, due to my PCOS (but I didn't know that at the time) and like most doctors, he puts me on the pill. I'm on it til right before I get married, you know...because I was not wanting to not get pregnant because of this pill it was only for regulating me, I was 23. Then after that I had about 4 or 5 months of no periods and then went to my doctor who prescribed the prometrium to jump start my period and have been doing that pretty much since then, I'm 26 now!

So, I pretty much haven't seen a period on my own since I was 16 or 17...almost 10 freaking years and so have one start on it's own without medicine was pretty exciting. It sounds odd but I'm happily embracing this period. Who knows what next month will be, I have my prometrium on hand just incase, but for now I am thankful that my body was somewhat normal this month. Thank you God.

Ok, I really have to go...I've taken too much time and will be late to my friend's graduation party and then what would I say? "Sorry, I was blogging to strangers about my period!"

I think not...

"Were there no God, we would be in this world with grateful hearts and no one to thank."

Off on another adventure

I'm heading down for a 4 hour drive tomorrow morning with my husband to have a consult about the surgery we will hopefully be able to schedule soon! I know the idea of driving 4 hours for a CONSULT sounds crazy, but I'm beyond excited for this next step. We will be discussing either the wedge resection surgery or the ovarian drilling, I've heard she does both laproscopically (thankfully) but am not sure which she will recommend.

I thought I was cool, calm and collected when I scheduled this consult (since last meeting her in Feb) but last night proved me wrong...I was up and down all night...anxious I suppose. But the good kind of anxious. I'm so at peace and excited that God has led us to this amazing Catholic doctor and I know that whatever we find out tomorrow will be in line with HIS will.

I just need to hold my head up, remain calm and confident, and remember that HIS will is far more amazing than what we try to plan ourselves! We have done a much better job a praying our daily rosary these past couple months...not just here and there but really trying to do it everyday. And I can say, with this has brought such peace and trusting in God's will. I know that I will be a mother in HIS perfect timing that is!

I look forward to this adventure...a day dedicated to just me and my hubby driving Southbound 35!

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." -T.Eddison

Grrr PCOS

In between leaving Dr. P and seeing the fertility specialist my prescription ran out for prometrium. I need prometrium to jump start my periods because of my PCOS. One would think it would be a simple call my old doctor and ask for a prescription however, he has moved offices due to some issues. Well, I called my new doctor's office to see about getting a new prescription, it's so weird not starting my period since I've always more or less been on some sort of medicine to help me start, but I still haven't heard back from them. I should have started about two weeks ago and here I am, no period, seventy bagillion pregnancy tests taken (just cause you never know...) and I got nothing!

I wish my body was like the average woman's body. No period=pregnancy! Or at least that's the way things are suppose to work. I get so frustrated with my body! I tell my husband all the time that I wish it wasn't broken. He reassures me it is not and it's exactly the way God made me. He's awesome. I guess it's just frustrating to be a woman and know that things aren't ticking right.

I am really hoping that we are able to schedule the surgery sooner than later. I don't like the idea of the surgery but I love thinking about possible outcomes. This particular doctor does the ovarian drilling laprascopically so that's nice. When we met with her in February she said that with my height (5'7") I should lose a few pounds, at least 10. I was (gasp, I can't believe I'm saying this here) 167 which is the largest I've been due to my eating whenever and whatever when my husband, whose metabolism is threw the roof, does. So I started eating healthier and not as much and often and I'm around 158. I am hoping 10 or so more pounds...but we shall see. When it's late and I want to eat something I remind myself that the surgery has a better chance of a positive outcome if I am at a healthy weight.

Ok, so quick question for anyone that actually reads this. If not, I don't mind maybe at some point someone will and then they can answer...I'm in no hurry! I've been charting since probably January '08 and I have always had dumb green stickers...pretty much dry days always! Well, in the last couple of weels since going off the metformin, prometrium, estradiol, HCG shots, amaoxcillin (sp?!), etc..I have had some pretty great CM...like where I can actually feel it and when I went to the bathroom and checked I about peed myself! ;) It was the CM that I prayed for each month yet NEVER saw it. I actually noticed it for the first time 2 weeks ago, around the time that had a taken the prometrium, I would have started. I am baffled/excited by this and was wondering what the heck it means? Could it be possible that I ovulated really late? Either way, I love seeing it there...makes my body feel a little less broken.

That's all for now...it's a long post but I guess I had a lot to get off my chest.

New out here

I've decided that this isn't going to be a blog that I tell friends and family, I want it to be my own place where I can meet other woman struggling to conceive and not worry about offending anyone when I talk about how: jealous I can be that "they" are pregnant and not me, how down I can get, how I sometimes avoid situations because emotionally I cannot handle it, etc...

I will say, changing my background for my blog was a PAIN IN THE BUTT...all the websites say "It's easy as 1..2..3!" Unless you are me and HTML confuses me and everything I tried didn't work! I actually figured it out by lots of trial and errors...nothing to do with the simply directions I was given! ;) Oh well, I'll learn with time. I just learned how to follow blogs also, by accident of course...no instructions seem to help me!

Quick question regarding "following" bloggers...do you need to ask for permission to follow them or simply click "follow" since I stalk read their blogs anyways?

Thanks!

I've been a stalker...

A bad one at that! I literally wake up and grab my I.phone and check blog updates on people that I am good friends with, sorta good friends with and people that I have never met! I love the blog world!

I will say, the amazing Catholic woman that I have found completely out of the blue awhile back, have been such an inspiration to me. It's just such a relief to be able to "hear" these women speak about their struggles with conception and how it does affect your everyday life so much more than you could ever even try to explain to other people who don't get it.

Well, I guess a fertility update for now:
Nothing has happened since January except that we were referred to a new doctor who's main purpose is treating woman with infertility issues...and guess what?! SHE'S CATHOLIC...PRO-LIFE...and not afraid to tell you that PRAYER daily is a necessity in this journey! We met with her at the end of February and are in the works of scheduling the ovarian drilling surgery at some point since the meds don't really work. I have been off of pretty much everything for a couple of months (no femera, HCG shots, metformin, etc...) and the biggest change I've noticed is that since not being on the femera, I actually get cold when a normal person gets cold! ;) I had the worst hot flashes EVER. Funny story, one night last month I rolled over in bed and put my feet on my husbands feet and he was like "what the heck is that?!" He hadn't felt my cold feet in forever because well, I had been on the meds since a few months after we got married! So for now we are just waiting and praying and seeing where God leads us...
I realize that in all my (2..oh wait, now 3!!) posts I haven't given any sort of background on me or my DH...that will come soon because I really want to continue to blog, I think it can be good for me and help me to feel more connected and not quite so alone (because like a lot of you, everyone around me is pregnant it seems).

Signing off for now...

"The greater the fight, the greater the victory"