Thursday, September 16, 2010

In a funk

Today wasn't that great.

I went to bed in tears and when I woke up this morning I had that short moment of not realizing anything was bothering me and then,


I remembered last night and the dreaded spotting.

And then the tears started coming back again and I remembered that I wasn't ok, I was feeling rather crummy. Going to bed sad and waking up sad don't really make for an awesome day, usually.

I so badly wanted to not let this effect me. I wanted to be strong and not be upset or down by the fact that AF was arriving. I wanted to only look on the bright side, that I was having yet another period ON MY OWN and not because I took prometrium. I wanted to remember that it was up to God and that I trusted and I was ok.

That's what I wanted, but reality set in, and as hard as I try to keep my head up, sometimes I fall. And I hurt. And I worry and the bright light I like to call hope, seems more like a dim light far away.

But I only allow this for a moment because I KNOW that without hope, without my faith I would be so completely lost and an even bigger mess than I am now! So yeah, today wasn't that great but I still have my faith and I still have my hope and that's pretty amazing if you ask me.

My DH was amazing, which is not shocking, and was such an amazing support and so full of hope and excitement at me, "starting another period on your own...this is so good!" (his words, not mine!). He really is amazing.

There's times that my heart aches for him because I so badly want to bless him with a child, I don't want my body to be broken because I know that he will be such an incredible dad.

Of course, shortly after those moments I offer up a prayer and know that God is in control and He will provide. In His timing. And it will be amazing. I don't think I could ever say this enough. And then things seem ok again after I remember this.

On a side note, my doctor's office called today and they said that my progesterone levels were too low and that I would need to start taking progesterone this new cycle. Also, they will call tomorrow about other protocol for this cycle, ie: clomid, HCG shots, etc...

Hearing all this overwhelmed me because I was so full of hope for our first TCC cycle post surgery. So full of hope and then shot down and left in a funk.

So, what do I do when I am in a funk?

I craft. It relieves so much stress for me and somehow my mind, which NEVER shuts up, is able to sort of veg out and relax. Here's some pictures of the things I created while de-stressing"

The flowers, I sewed onto a safety pin, that way you can pin them to your shirt like I did in the first two pictures, or you can pin them to a purse or bag or even use a bobby pin and add them as a hair accessory. Just something fun and pretty easy too...

I had an extra onesie so I also made this for my godson:

I do love to craft and am sure glad it doesn't cost an arm in a leg to do, other wise I would have to find a new way to get out of my funks! ;)

Also, before I go, I wanted to say yet again, THANK YOU to everyone that has offered prayers, support and kind words. I seriously don't know how I could do this without y'all. My husband is so grateful that I found such an amazing group of women because he knows that even though he's there for me always, having another woman to talk to about what I am going through helps so much. So, THANK YOU. And I know that I am not the only one in this "funk", so just know that I am thinking about y'all and praying for y'all and trusting and knowing in my heart of hearts that our miracles will come [in His perfect and holy timing].

"Keep going. Don't stop. I kept going on the road to Calvary and in spite of such agony, I got there. Look at Me and you will find new courage. And honor Me by calling Me to help you." (He and I)


Hebrews 11:1 said...

Thanks so much for your prayers, they really helped!! When you feel down just remember I am praying for you too, and so are many others.

And someday we WILL be in that other boat together! :)

Julie said...

praying for you!

Megan said...

Beautiful post! I'm sorry that you are going through this. That pesky hope...
But really are so many positive things about this past cycle, and I can't help but have an overwhelming sense of hope for you!
You are a very talented crafter! You should make your own shop on! :)
I'm very impressed!
You are in my prayers!

Ann - Building a Nest said...

I'm so sorry. I had one cycle post m/c that I was filled with hope, I felt utterly devestated when it didn't work out. BTDT. So sorry again.

Sarah said...

I love these flowers! Beautiful. I am sorry you had such a rough day. :( I'll pray. We have just begun the charting journey, and I am starting to understand all these terms a little better.

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

I am so very sorry. :(

You are so talented... the flowers are lovely!

JellyBelly said...

Continuing to pray for you!!

Have you thought of selling those cute flowers on etsy? I'd sure buy one!!

Anonymous said...

I just came across your blog this morning and I wanted to say that I will be praying for you - our stories sounds SO similar. I too have PCOS and took a long time to get officially diagnosed (despite knowing it myself for years with the 2-3 periods I would get in a year) because I was "too slender" for the PCOS body type. We went through all the ups and downs of medications trying to get me to ovulate, and I finally did on a combo of metformin & clomid. Our son was born a year ago, but the years of TTC were so painful that your story rings fresh in my ears. I continue to read many of the Catholic IF blogs b/c I think there is so much that we as a Church need to do to reach out to couples struggling with IF. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that there are so many women who share your pain and I will lift you up in prayer for hope.