Follicle #2, hope, prayer buddy reveal

We've been so busy with Christmas fun-family in town, lots of food and plenty of laughter. I haven't blogged since my bummer of a post last week and things have changed since then...

My follicle check number two happened on Monday. And to be honest, I had already checked out this cycle. I had planned NOT to go in and have the same thing happen again and be disappointed. Emotionally I couldn't take it. Spiritually I was overwhelmed.

That's right...so I decided to not go.

Well, then Monday morning came and I shot up-wide awake and feeling that I would be more disappointed for not going than whatever they would (or wouldn't) see.

So I went.

And boy was I SHOCKED.

They found a good, mature follicle...23mm!!!

I wasn't expecting anything. I prayed my rosary on the way there and asked for strength.

Little did I know that my dinky little ovaries would actually be doing their job!

In aaaaaall the months pre-surgery that I had gone in for a follicle check, I never saw anything worth writing home about! Well, except for a year ago...they found one that was decent and I got the shot but, that was when I was on waaay more meds/shots.

This time I was only on clomid and metformin.

So I got the shot and walked to my car, jaw still dropped open in shock, goosebumps up and down my arms, heart racing, bum hurting (from the shot), smiling like a fool...

I called my dh and he was so excited and just as shocked. We're just not quite use to hearing good news in regards to fertility.

So there is hope this cycle.

Oh me oh my.

Hope.

I cling to that because at times, it's all I got. I've actually been told that I have too much hope.

Too much hope?

Is that possible?

According to a couple people I've talked too-yes it is possible. Apparently, I should be more realistic and that way I don't get so hurt or burned.

But you know what? I don't care! I'll take my excessive amount of hope and go with it.

Will I get burned and crash hard when things don't quite go as expected?

Yes.

But...boy oh boy do those shining moments of good news bring pure and utter JOY to my heart.

So I'll take the hope!

Screw being "realistic!" ;)

Ok, I have so much more I want to catch up on, but I'm running out of time so I'll have to post about Christmas later.

But before I go, I wanted to announce who I was praying for!!
GOD ALONE SUFFICES!! :) I was beyond honor to get to pray for her and offer the good and not so good times for her and her husband!! And I sent an email to let her know so hopefully she got it! I'm working on a little something to send her but it's a surprise so enough talk about that! ;)

Also, a HUGE thanks to my prayer buddy, Sunshine at 'Time won't give me time'! Your prayers have brought me SO much comfort and so much (more) hope! THANK YOU!!!!

And lastly, don't forget to offer up a prayer or two for Mary-she's having surgery today.

I hope that everyone is doing well...I'm looking foward to catching up on blogs and staying up to date with commenting and posting.

Merry Christmas! :)

"Hope- choose to see through optimistic eyes"

Follicle check

I'm trying really hard not too feel down or overwhelmed or sad...

But, I'm failing miserably.

Today I went in for my CD12 follicle check full of hope. I just knew there would be some follicles that were mature and I just knew it wouldn't be like the last million times I left a sonogram with NO follicles big enough for ovulation.

And I was wrong.

10 mm was the biggest one they could find. It took literally everything in me not to break down right then and there.

Because this was my first time with THIS nurse and I wasn't going to look like a pathetic, blubbering fool, even though I already felt like one...trousers down...little, not cooperative follicles plastered all over the computer screen...hands shaking...heart racing...

My ovaries need to step it up.

Please?

I want to be able to leave a sonogram appointment with tears of JOY...

Not tears of pain and defeat.

I'll go back Monday, CD16 for another check. I'm still hoping and I'm still praying that my ovaries will kick it in to high gear so as to reaffirm all this hope I [still] feel.

I hate this post being such a downer, but my DH worked last night and so he's sleeping and I needed to vent.

The venting will help me offer it back up and move on until Monday, when I'm back at it again.

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

Trip to Ann.apolis

That's right! I'm so excited because plans were just finalized this week for Jan 15-25!!

My SIL, BIL and two nephews are driving from MD this week and spending Christmas here in TX. But then my BIL has to leave early-he's Marine-to get back to work. SOO my MIL and I are driving back with my SIL and two nephews (5&2.5) on the 15th.

The great part is that 1)I've never been there before and 2) we are going to attend the March for Life in DC on the 24th! I've never been to the March for Life before and I hear it's a pretty amazing experience to be with so many others who are fighting the good fight to end abortion.

It'll also be neat because my SIL said that the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception (whew-that's a doozy to type out...wait, who am I kidding, I copied and pasted! ;)) is beautiful and we will definitely take a trip there also. She's so sweet and has lit many candles for my dh and I and our intentions, especially in regards to our fertility.

Actually, right before the trip I will have either gotten my first ever BFP (a girl can hope) or a visit from AF. I was trying really hard NOT to think about the "ooo...I could be pregnant and attending the shrine and the march for life" but obviously I failed miserably and the thoughts are there.

I'm still hoping with every ounce of my being that this is our month. That this month the clomid is at just the right dosage and we will conceive! The hope is merited though, after my body responding so well last month when prior to surgery it had not-well, hope is there and it's stronger than it's been in months and I fully embrace it!

Ok, for those of you who have time to kill or just want to have a good laugh, you HAVE to check out this Website! It's about all the ways the I.phone autocorrects...

"Hope is putting faith to work when doubting would be easier."

Christmas card...

Here's part of our Christmas card this year:

It's a picture of the card so the quality is crap AND since I'm mysterious and don't like to show our faces it's cropped way down BUT y'all get the picture! ;) Here's hoping [and praying] that next year's card has a little bundle(s) of joy...

And on another random note: OUR COMPUTER is fixed!! And from the sound of it they were able to recover everything off the [stupiddumbgrrrr] crashing hard drive!! Yaaay!! Blogging and surfing the Internet and FBing and emailing will be able to be done with TWO hands and not one tired little finger!! :):) We'll pick it up this week!

Hope everyone has a great week! I can't believe it's already almost Christmas...I guess it's time to finish the shopping.

"Tradition: sit with husband in a room lit only by tree lights and remember that our blessings outnumber the lights."(Betsy Cañas Garmon)

CD4

Tomorrow starts round two of clomid. I'm still feeling hopeful and excited but now mixed in with a little anxiety and worry.

All those dern "what-if's" are trying to take over my mind like weeds in grass do...

What if it doesn't work?
What if the side effects are way worst?
What if we enter another year without a baby in site?
What if the doctor thinks I'm a lost cause because it's been three years and counting?
What if I grow another arm?

Just kidding about the arm...just checking if y'all are still paying attention after my silly "what-if" game.

I'm trying my best though, to not get caught up in the what if's...

It's amazing to me how last week I was filled with so much hope and so much joy after finding out about my body responding...and then, here I am now, just a week later and the anxiety is creeping back in.

And really, there's no reason for me to feel different tonight than I did a week ago...the blessing of the medication working is STILL a blessing...

I guess it's the start of a new cycle that wears you down. It's like having ran a marathon and you see the finish line but are told to turn around and run it again...

Exhaustion.

Speaking of marathons, it's on my bucket list of things I want to do before I die. I use to run all the time, starting in elementary where we would run 10k's and then through track and cross country in HS.

But then college happened and I discovered I liked the taste of beer and I really liked those late night study sessions where we would order pizza and drink energy drinks to get through the night.

Ok, I've gotten severely off topic from when I started this post and my mind is still wondering from thought to thought without any sort of uniformity...so, maybe it's time to call it a night!

“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.”

Not this month.

But I am still counting my blessings because my body is finally responding to medication after 3 years of not.

I wish that periods did not mean = even more emotion for me but they do and so even though I'm feeling blessed and so excited about this next cycle...I have tears in my eyes as I type because it's still hard.

Tears? yes.

Fear? not so much.

Hope? Most certainly!

Thanks again for all the prayers...

"the greater the fight the greater the victory..."

Waiting and crafting

I'm on CD27...no cramping, sore boobies and sore lower back.

I'm not saying this as to point one way or the other but just stating where we stand so far.

Those symptoms could me two different things.

One I'm used to, the other not so much!

I will say, normally I've started a little spotting by now but I haven't yet so...that's...good.

I'm not over analyzing and I can say with my heart of hearts I'm prepared either way. Although, if it's pregnancy-still in shock I have a chance-I'm really not prepared! How could I be? I guess God prepares the heart for whatever is suppose to be.

So I'm trusting!

Now...on to the crafting! I'm making some gifts for Christmas and am so excited how they're turning out! Today I worked on three different projects: baby stuff for a special someone ;), coasters that this beautiful lady suggested, and lastly, wine glasses with a little place to write your name on it with chalk (another idea instead of using the little charms so as to keep track of whose glass is whose!).

The first set of coasters I kept for us because they were my test run-but I love them! The second set I'm giving to one of my SILs with a 6 pack of real coke or Dp (the ones in the bottle with real sugar-yum!) here's a picture of some of the finished coasters:

And here's one of the wine glasses...
I'm giving a set of 4 of these to my other SIL with a bottle of wine!

I really have had a lot of fun making stuff...like I've mentioned a number of times, it helps get my mind off things and helps me relax!

Well, I'm off to watch a movie now but ill keep everyone updated one way or the other!

Thank you so much for all the prayers!

"It is the beautiful task of Advent to awaken in all of us memories of goodness and thus to open doors of hope."(Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger)

Immaculate conception feast day miracle...

I OVULATED THIS CYCLE!!!!!!!! :)

Coming from a girl who has been battling pcos for too long and who in over three years of marriage has not really ever had signs of ovulation nor blood work to prove that I have (on the contrary, month after month I got a big stinkin' "no ovulation this time!")...I'm feel overjoyed!!!

I called the nurse right before we left for mass to celebrate the Immaculate conception-hence the post title-and was not expecting to hear that I OVULATED, but I did! :)

I of course got goosebumps and tears filled my eyes.

I ovulated.

And on only 50mg of clomid.

In the past we were trying clomid, estrogen supplement, hcg shots, etc...

It's because of my surgery in July!

My body is actually responding to medicine, whereas the two years before surgery, it had not.

Whatever happens this month-pregnancy (I'm shaking at the thought of this being a possibility) or not....this is HUGE for us.

My body is responding!!!

It's not completely broken!

Thank you blessed Mother for interceding our prayers on such a beautiful feast day!

Ps. The boobs still hurt!!! ;)


"Prayer is powerful beyond limits when we turn to the Immaculata who is queen even of God's heart."
(Saint Maximilian Kolbe)

My "girls" are hurting...again.

I am heading into the doctors office in a couple of hours to get the blood work done (8 dpo-or what I think was ovulation) and I'm really hoping the clomid has helped with my progesterone and ovulation issues.

I will say one thing, I haven't really had any symptoms-possible ovulation OR pregnancy-since September ...a major reason why I felt my body was reverting back to pre surgery days.

Until this cycle with clomid. Yup...you guessed it (or rather I "laid it all out there" in the title again ;)), the girls are hurting again, and a lot worst than last time! I'm saying a prayer of thanksgiving because my body has never shown signs like this in over three years of marriage!! So I definitely think something is happening with my body!

Here we go again, the last few cycles have been duds in the sense i could not notice one thing happening and then this cycle...stuff is def happening!

I am not even bothering goo.gling this time because I'm trying my best to simply trust.

And, I don't think it's a coincidence that this is all happening-the random surge of hope I was feeling (and still am) yesterday and then waking up to the girls hurting today! :) No, I don't know who you are prayer buddy but I have an overwhelming sense of excitement because I can feel the prayers!!

So, prayer buddy, if you're reading this...please, pat yourself on the back and maybe throw in a high five!! Or if I'm so blessed that others are remembering me in prayer, as I do with most all of y'all, go ahead and do the same!! ;)

And even if my progesterone is not where is should be this month, I trust we are on the right path because of our prayers and all the beautiful signs God has shown us.

“Hope is the dream of a soul awake"(French proverb)

Hope

I woke up this beautiful Sunday morning and my heart is over flowing with it.

Thank you Jesus for this hope.

I don't know why either...but I don't care because sometimes hope is far and few in-between these months/years of struggling.

So I'll take it!

Today, as my heart is literally busting with hope, I am grateful to our Lord for blessing me with hope and pray that in moments of darkness I can remember what I'm feeling right now.

"O loving and merciful God, in Blessed Damien you have given us a shining witness of love and care for the poorer, the most abandoned and the forsaken.

Grant that, by his intercession as a faithful witness of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, we too may be a servant of healing and a voice for the voiceless.

We pray, too that through Blessed Damien of Molokai we may be blessed with a miracle in order that he may be numbered with your saints on earth as it is in Heaven.

We ask this in the Holy Name of Jesus, your Son, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God forever and ever.

Amen"

Goosebumps

I get goosebumps rather frequently. I think it's because I'm super sensitive and things really get to me quite easily and I have that moment where chills race up and down my body.

It wasn't that long ago that my little niece told me their not goosebumps, they're Jesus bumps-or something like that! Basically, when you get goosebumps it's because God telling you something and whatnot.

Well, I had one of those moments this morning and I knew instantly that it was God's working!

Today was the BIG ultrasound for my big bro and SIL. I was definitely anticipating the call because this is the first niece/nephew from my side and the idea of my big brother being a dad literally brings so much joy to my heart!

Well, I got the call and they had me on speaker phone and asked what I thought the gender was. I told them I thought boy but thought it would be funny if it was a girl since my SIL had had sooo many dreams it was a boy! ;)

Drum roll....

They're having a BOY!!

I'm beyond excited for them. My brother and I have talked about having our own children and actually making right and being there for them, unlike our parents who abandoned us when we were young-another story for another time.

Now, for my goosebump moment:

They asked if I wanted to know the name and of course I did! They told me his name would be Damian....after St.Damien of Molokai, a Saint recently canonized and who had a special place in my brother's life since he was stationed in Hawaii years ago.

The neat thing, that caused the goosebumps?! This pretty lady, who I just started reading her blog, does a neat thing where she draws patron saints for the upcoming year, for people who ask. Well I thought it would be neat to participate and this is my Saint:

Damien of Molokai!!!!!!

What are the odds?!

I find that to be very neat! This saint must already be praying for me and my little nephew to be, who shares his name sake! I guess, I need to ask for him to intercede for me in regards to us starting our family!

Anyways, I thought it was so neat and had to share!