5 point stinkin' 5

5.5 was my progesterone this month.

MAJOR grr.

There were lots of tears shed today.

And I felt like someone punched me in the gut and i couldn't breathe.

My goodness...last month I was higher without meds and this month with meds I am lower!

(On a side note, is it possible to be an every other month kinda gal? I mean in the past since my surgery I am noticing that every other month my progesterone is higher, with or without meds. It never seems to fail that if my progesterone was highish one month, the next month it's lower. I am going to ask my doctor about this but I thought I would get yalls opionion in the mean time. Thanks.)

Still though, I just don't get it.

When the nurse told me the number I said, "That's not good."

She said, "Don't give up just yet on this cycle, I've seen quite a few women get pregnant with 5 and below."

I wanted to respond with, "Yeah right...you're just saying this because you want me to not feel like crap and cry right here on the phone.

But instead I said, "Ok."

I immediately got off the phone and cried.

A whole stinkin' lot.

My heart hurt.

My head hurt.

My body hurt.

Then I went to the living room to regain my composure and offer up a prayer for strength and courage.

I looked out the window in to our backyard and saw them.

Two beautiful blue jays.

I've associated blue jays with my grandfather since the night before his accident that ultimately took him from us here on earth, I had him and my grandmother over for dinner and there was a blue jay SIIIINGING and cherping outside the dinner room window.

My Gm loved blue jays.

He was like my father and so many times I pray that he intercede for me because he cannot be here on earth to offer his wisdom and courage.

And when I saw those blue jays sitting outside my window I cried and thanked him.

I've got some pretty amazing people praying for me.

And I trust...

In God's timing.

In God's timing.

In God's timing.

NOT mine.

His.

I keep telling myself this today and am feeling a bit better.

When my husband woke up I told him the news and he just held me while I cried some more. I told him that I was so sorry that my body had failed us again and that he would be yet another month fatherless on my account. And then he said one thing that touched me to my core,

Do not apologize. I am most definitely not sorry for this month. It was one more month of us growing closer to one another. Learning more about one another. Another month I got to spend with you. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

He really is amazing and there's times I wonder how he got stuck with such a mess of a gal.

My heart melts just thinking about how good that man is to me.

Incredible.

Amazing.

...

Well...I'm off to relax and get ready for bed.

Trying to pick up the pieces from todays not so great news and remind myself that tomorrow is another day.

I'm still not giving up...

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.”